


7 pieces of a home (on hiatus)

by Follow (Scheska)



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Angst, Other, Post-apocalyptic AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-04 14:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 128,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3071423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scheska/pseuds/Follow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even if the world falls apart, there's that pull at the heart that urges you to go back home; a home that's scattered across miles around, broken into 7 parts that I'm willing to piece back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

> \- This is in fact the very first fanfic I wrote for the fandom, but it's still ongoing. It's a little monster.
> 
> \- I apologize for the possible existence of geographical inaccuracies, though the locations are kept vague for a reason.
> 
> \- English is not my first language.
> 
> \- I hope you like it :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I didn't know what to do with this note, if I should leave it out, put it exactly where it was in the original updating timeline, make it optional, put the link to some of the other versions... I really didn't know, but I do know that I don't want it to mess the flow of the story like it did at the time it was posted originally, so I'll just put it as the very first chapter.   
> It is just a clarification of a couple of details that I never mentioned during the story (at the moment it was important for me to make it clear and I hadn't done it so I had to take drastic meassures, a.k.a. spell it down in an anticlimatic AN). At this point in the game, I'm not even sure if it's necessary, maybe what I explained here is already implied somewhere in later chapters, I really didn't pay attention, sorry. It doesn't have any spoilers of the sorts, though, so you can totally read it anyway. I just kind of hate to explain story facts like this, but I messed up at the time and had to fix it somehow.   
> So, that is it, here's an AN with some details you may want to know. I'll simply copy-paste it the way it was posted, no editing of any kind.

"Hi, to anyone that is reading this :)

First of all I'm sorry for putting this here instead of a chapter, but I felt the need to make this clear before you keep reading. I'll post the chapter right after this so I'm not teasing you, there is an update!

So, I guess you know what acidic rain is, right? In short and (really) simplified (and maybe mistaken) terms, is the result of excess of residual gas mostly from cities and industries accumulating "in the clouds", and then precipitating with the rain. It can cause damage to plants, the soil (your hair) and structures with time, you might have seen the images of stone statues that look like burnt and melted? Well, that's the doing of this rain, but it takes time to happen.

In this AU, and as you may know, there was an explosion of "natural disasters", and, among those, the activation and eruption on most of the existing volcanoes. As a result of this, the amount of sulfuric emanations and toxic clouds made the sky a sick and acidic roof of condensated substances, sort of like with the theory of the extinction of dinosaurs by volcanoes? Well, pretty similar. Now, and here comes the clarification I want to make, it's not like this rain would melt your flesh to the bone if it touched you, it might cause ugly burns if exposed to much to it, and in normal circumstances it would irritate the skin a lot and it would be pretty nasty if it came in contact with your eyes or if you swallowed some. The damage it does to building is now worse and considerably faster (therefore the weakness of a lot of things that keep falling over people's heads), and the waters from the rivers are not advised to be used on people and definately not drinkable (and not to mention that there are no fish). The water from the ocean though, is still in rather good condition, why is that? Because, even now in our time, the ocean acts like a "purifier". I won't explain why (mainly because it's not like I'm an expert so I'd rather not mess it up), but I hope you believe me when I say that the ocean water can neutralize the acidity of the rain (to a certain degree, it's not like magic).

Is it possible that I said something wrong and maybe not the 100% of this is accurate?... Yes, I'm no chemical engineer or nothing of the sorts, just trying to keep things as real as I can (without killing all my characters at chapter one) with the little I know OTL

So, sorry for the long and boring note! I've been writing with all this in my head from the beginning but I didn't realize that I never actually explained anything... So I just wanted to make this postap. world a little clearer... Hope I succeded?

I hope it's clear enough, if not please ask me! :)"


	2. Intro

I could still remember when a volcano eruption was huge news; when an earthquake was a big commotion; when a tsunami was a tragedy; when the whole world would turn their eyes to the country in disgrace and rush to their aid; when these things happened rarely, a few times a year.

Not like _this_. But then, in the blink of an eye, as if the earth had given up on us, it _all_ happened...

It was like hell had emerged from the earth’s core, like the skies had fallen from its heights. Everything happened together, and nothing could be done. People tried, at first, to rationalize what was happening. But soon after, time was just not enough to try to understand the why’s and how’s, it was barely enough to run and hide. What could be done was done, as little as it was. Shelters were not enough to take in the amount of people in need of refuge; the transportation soon became useless as the roads collapsed, the waters were in utter chaos, the skies in constant revolt. It still wasn’t clear for me what happened exactly, I just knew it was a disaster and probably half of the earth’s population had disappeared from the map. And who knows how much more of it perished through the following weeks. How many people were left in the earth? How many would there be a in a month?

 _Who_... were left?


	3. Rain and metal pipes

I pressed my back flush against the burnt wall. I was surely going to find the back of my jacket and hair covered in ashes and pieces of thin rubble, but at the moment, that was the least of my concerns. My eyes were trained to the floor, and the little droplets that splashed towards me in a halfhearted attempt to reach my boots. The rain was starting to stop, and I thanked the heavens… Or not, since it was because of that same heaven that I was plastered against some rundown building, trying to shrink myself the best I could to disappear under the fragile remaining of roof, and praying that it wouldn’t fall over my head. 

I could see another person in the same situation as me across the shattered street, desperately trying to remain on a block of concrete, the remainings of an electricity tower, and away from the forming puddles of water under their feet. Over their heads, a piece of roof was dangerously hanging from the bent beams. There were little pieces of it starting to fall from it, and I thought I saw a slight movement. I narrowed my eyes in an attempt to see better, but I wasn’t imagining things, the piece of stone _was_ moving. I tried to catch the attention of the person under it. I waved my hands but to no avail. I tried to call them, but my voice cracked painfully, rusted from the disuse, and a coughing fit overtook my lungs. I still tried to warn them, kept waving my arms in the little space my own little refuge allowed me. But the person was too interested on keeping their feet away from the falling rain. I finally stopped convulsing in coughs and shouted at them. But by the time they looked up at me, the piece of ceiling fell down of its useless, rotten supports. I just closed my eyes tight; there was a strangled scream, and nothing else. I thanked that the noise of stone falling was louder that any sickening crack of bones.

I only opened my eyes because I couldn’t lose sight of the water pouring down. I could catch a glimpse of the new mountain of rubble across the street, but I kept my eyes trained on my boots, not wanting to take in any detail. The rain was slowing down. I took a deep breath, and started coughing again. I cursed the air, and the clouds, and the whole sky.

I had lost count of how many people I watched die already. I didn’t want to keep count of it. I wanted to forget how many were them. But there was some part of my sadistic brain that kept a list behind my back. Something threw a number at me, and I hoped it was a random guess, because it felt like too much for me.

I couldn’t help to throw a glance to the concrete hanging over me, but it looked decently firm. I really hoped for the rain to stop soon, because I was starting to feel my nose itch and my eyes sting. I knew from experience that if it didn't stop in the next minutes I was gonna have an unpleasant time. I could already smell it, but when it reaches the mouth, then is when the real thing starts.

Luckly for me, the fenomenom didn't last more than half a minue more. The water stoped falling and splashing, but I still had to wait a little more, just to be sure. I tried to keep my breathing at a minimum, as always, and my eyes narrowed and continuosly blinking, my mouth tigthly closed and every part of my body still. I counted the seconds in my head, then the minutes, and then I stepped out. Avoiding any puddle of dirty water and determined not to look at anything but the ground ahead of me, I walked away.

It was a good three blocks away, when I finally dared to raise my head a little. I sighed in relief when nothing but shattered buildings, burnt structures and ruins in general greeted my sight. Yes, relief, for there were no corpses. 

It had been almost a year since it happened. A year since people on the street was a rare sight.  A year since the rain was to be feared. A year since stealing was a common necessity. A year since diseases like a flue were as terrifying as a pneumonia. A whole year since I saw them for the last time.

I had already lost many people, but mourning couldn’t last much… Not since a year ago. You lost someone, you hurt, you cried, you grieved, you moved on. You did that, or you died too. There was a constant need to keep moving, to keep going forward, to keep trying. The moment you stopped, you died. Just like that. There was no time for depression, no time for doubting your chances, no time for anything but to keep on going. And that’s was I was trying to do.

It was hard at first, the first months were horrible, a constant fight with fear, uncertainty, denial and reality. No one wanted to accept what was happening, it took time to get things moving, to push habits and expectations aside and let new instincts kick in. The brain had to start working in a different way, a faster one, a colder one. There were people who could, and quickly started moving. There were others that got it harder, needed help, like me, but with a little effort got in the right tracks and slowly began to work things out. But, there were some that just couldn’t get past reality, they were stuck. And so they faded away. That’s how it worked.

I saw lots of people lose their minds in dark corners, others losing it on the run, another lot letting themselves rot away, some others simply ending their lives. Then there were the ones that got past reality and put things on the move. There were the leading ones, who actually knew what to do and tried to get the rest organized and instructed. There were the useful ones, who took in the information and helped out the best they could, learning and spreading the knowledge further away. There were also the useless ones, who kept complaining over everything and anything, not really helping but wanting the rewards.  And there also were the dangerous ones, the ones that didn’t believe in team work, that didn’t think there was gain or time for helping each other, and those were the ones you should stay away from. You never knew what was going through their minds. They were called the ‘outlaws’, it wasn’t really for the strict meaning of the word, as laws and their regulation were mostly forgotten except for the more primal, primitive ones, but the word conveyed enough significance for people to understand.   

Finally, there were the lonely ones, the ones that threw themselves to chance, in pursuit of something more, of something beyond survival. They got what they needed and left, helping with anything that could help them back, avoiding anything that could waste time. They had a purpose to chase, something to achieve, someone to find. I was one of those.

For the first months after it started (or ended, however you like it better), we were all locked up in where we could get in and running with no particular destination but survival, because everything and everywhere was dangerous. It was all about running away from the closest danger, only to run into another, and run away from it again. When you found a safe place you stayed there until it was no longer safe, then you ran again. After it calmed down, people got desperate, and that frequently meant also dangerous, so the moment you could find a place to lock yourself up or hide, you did, and you waited as long as you could before finding another hideout. With time, it got a little calmer and groups could start to get organized, forming settlements here and there, as long as there were a steady building that could give shelter and enough provisions to start working. I stayed a few more months in a group, settled in a rather little building but that looked safe enough. I watched people come and go, die and go nuts, kill and get killed. I tried to catch as much as I could from the travelers, to learn the most from the heads of the group. It was a simple need to know, to feel able to survive by myself. But it was after a certain man arrived to our packed bunker that I made the decision.

The guy was around 40’s… Or maybe 30’s, it wasn’t weird for people to look a good ten years older if they were exposed too much to the outside. He was looking for his family. It seemed he was on a business trip when it all happened, and he was trying to find his way back to his home, or what it was left of it. I didn’t know what I felt then, it was a mixture between admiration, sadness, encouragement and pity. I had found part of my own family on the first week after I started looking for them, after things got calm enough to start wandering around. They weren’t unharmed, but they were alive. Or, well, at least _she_ was. My sister was in the most firmly established settlements I had seen until then, with a good organization and capable people working it out. But it was completely packed. There was no place for a single needle to get in. People arrived desperately trying to find refuge, but the answer would always be no, at least until someone died and left a vacant place. I wasn’t going to wait sitting on the streets for some unlucky person to die from a flu and get their bed. There were enough people waiting already, improvising camps on the outsides of the huge building, completely unprotected from the weather and the outlaws. So I moved on and ended up in another group by myself. I didn’t even know how far from her I was, but at least I knew she was in the best place she could be.

But there was something else that kept poking the back of my head, pulling at the corner of my heart… Or actually, it was eating my conscience, night after night. There were times when I couldn’t even close my eyes for the whole night. I didn’t know anything about them, nothing.

It was funny how we were always practically glued by the hip, but the one time we went separated ways, in this _one time_ when we were allowed to go back home to see our families, the whole world goes to shit. Yes, I was worried sick. Maybe it was for nothing, maybe I was letting it rot my brain when they were all safe and healthy in some settlement, making themselves useful. But what if some of them weren’t? What if they were trying to keep up an overcrowded rundown shed? What if they were dealing with fights among the group? What if they were having problems with the food, or the vandals near them? What if any of them was sick? What if they never found a shelter in the first place? What if..?

There were too many ‘what if’s’ for me to stay put. So I talked to this guy, I talked and talked for the whole night, I told them what was worrying me, what I wanted to do. He looked at me with sympathy for a moment, and there was some patronizing mixed up too. He told me I should trust they were ok, that the risk was too big for me to take. I wasn’t going to take any of that, and I made it clear to him. I was never a submissive one, and the months after the disaster only hardened my stubbornness and determination. So it didn’t take much to make the man understand that I was going to do it with or without his help. He finally gave in.

We started gathering what we (mostly he) thought necessary. I had already been saving some things, just in case, out of everyone’s eyes, as if somewhere deep in my mind I knew I was going to take this path. So that’s how it was, I put on a pair of heavy boots instead of the destroyed shoes I used to wear. I got myself a pair of hiking gloves, a thick jacket (the guy said it would have been better if I got a long coat too, but I couldn’t find any), and the most resistant looking pants I could find. We packed all the food and water we could in the backpacks, along with a pair of goggles, a scarf, a lantern, a pocket knife, and stuff of the likes. Yes, we’d been sneaking all around taking stuff from everywhere.

We took off after a month or so.

The first week was pretty damn hard for me. The air was so stale and irritating sometimes that I had to completely stop and hang from some wall to cough my lungs out while going blind from the rivers that came from my eyes. My nose was constantly itching and got me sneezing every two minutes. With some time I ended up getting accustomed to it, as the air itself wasn’t extremely harmful, but more like irritating. It got more dangerous in certain areas that I had to learn to notice, and when it rained heavily. Then you could see the vapors floating passively, innocently, almost mockingly. And it was frightening.

Then there was the getting-used-to-the-nomad-life issue. As precarious and uncomfortable as the life at the bunker was, I still had a roof over my head every day, a decently steady ration of food and water, a trustworthy protection from the cold, the night and any possible danger coming from the outside, a mattress and a blanket, even the possibility of having half an hour to do nothing but sit and watch a stained wall. Now I had to look for cover every time the rain surprised us and beg for it to stay over my head, to limit our food rations and always keep looking for more, to keep an open eye at all times in search of possible danger, to sleep on the floor, and only for a few hours or even nothing if we couldn’t find a safe little corner to hide. And, of course, to keep walking.

We were moving at a low pace, mostly because we didn’t want to step on something we shouldn’t, like a lose piece of ruble, a slippery patch of mud, a deceiving floor that would open up under you weight, a piece of broken glass or sharp metal, or even a deep hole. When you were tired, sometimes you just didn’t see them. So it took some time to finally arrive to the point where he would leave me by myself and follow his own route.

I won’t lie; I started panicking when we reached our splitting point. Until then I had been relying on this man’s indications and guidance to travel the cities. I know my way decently well as long as we stay near my town, but once outside its limits, I’m pretty much lost. And it’s not as if the city’s state itself helps my case, the majority of the signs being destroyed or simply vanished. So I had us going over the big, worn out map I got my hands on for the nth time. I couldn’t have myself lost the moment I parted ways with my guide, or end up wandering around fucking Russia. I had to be well prepared for this little search-and-rescue mission of mine.

So when we reached the south limits of the province, we bide our farewell and sincere best wishes, and turned to our respective routes. He had to go east from there, I had to keep going south. The first destination of my journey was Gwangju, and therefore, Sungjong.

\--

So that’s how I got here, walking a desolated street, avoiding recently formed puddles of brown looking water, keeping all of my senses alert to any movement or sound. People wandering alone wasn’t a common sight, it was unsettling and suspicious. You couldn’t trust wanderers. They could be crazy, they could be dangerous. It wasn’t paranoid to think they might be part of some gang, scouting for victims. I was a wanderer, but I was completely alone, and that made me an easy victim for the dangerous ones and a suspicious individual for the ones that weren’t. So I had to be very careful, in more than a way.

I looked up the sky, and saw the ever present blanket of dark clouds. It looked as thick as a roof of concrete; only this particular concrete would eventually flash here and there, powerful lightings exploding inside its dense, sulfuric turmoil. It was all you could see when you looked up. The same heavy cover over your head. Not even a single ray of sunlight could break though the toxic layer of condensed gas. I could barely tell when it was day or night, the slightest change in the sky’s color, from a sickly, brownish grey, to a dark iron bulky mass.

I could still remember when I could see the blue sky, the clouds were white, the sun shined brightly. Who would have thought then, that we wouldn’t be able to see it ever again? That we would be caged under brown and grey, locked in a perpetual winter. There were no rays of sunlight and there was no warmth. It was always cold, always dim and always dull. The plants that survived the disaster started to fade away soon after. There was barely any green over the soiled ground. The last, most resistant trees were exposing its branches naked, waiting for the spring that wouldn’t come. There were no birds on the sky, no fishes in the rivers, I saw only a lost pitiful dog aimlessly wobbling around in all the months that passed. I think I saw a few cats, but I couldn’t be too sure, maybe those were rats?    

I knew that there were regions were life had resisted a little better, regions were the events didn’t hit as hard. For starters I knew that deep inside the oceans the water wasn’t as acid as in the rivers, so we had to use the water brought from the shores as long as we wanted to use it on ourselves. For drinking we had to roughly rationalize bottled water, all we could find was stocked and guarded like if it were a treasure, maybe because it was. It was all a matter of perseverance, we had to resist until the little technology left standing was put on march again; there were some water plants that survived the chaos, but not undamaged. The very few capable ones that were able to put these kind of facilities to function again were trying their best given the situation, but time kept on running, and so did the supplies. In short, we were keeping our belts tight to avoid feeling the hunger.

I put my attention back to the road ahead of me, and resumed my slow march. I could only hear my own feet on the wet ground and I hated how noisy they were. I kept my eyes darting to the sides every two steps or so, and myself as silent as I could. My own breathing started to sound loud in my ears. I didn’t know how I made it when walking with my short term companion back then; we talked, barely whispers, but still. We weren’t as self-conscious as I was being right now, was I being paranoid or were we just lucky then? I didn’t know, but I preferred not to risk it. I stayed on the street, at a safe distance from the ruins of former shops and houses and remains of cars, but close enough in case I needed to hide.

I kept on walking, passing by rundown stores, desolated homes, a crushed truck, a few fallen lamp posts. What I hated the most were the windows, the empty, dark windows that let me see into the building when I didn’t want to watch. I could always glimpse an unfitting shape, the shifting of a shadow, the suspicion of something that, I hoped, wasn’t there. Sometimes, a shattered curtain would shift with the slightest breeze, making my heart jump and my back tense, my eyes widen and my brain freeze. Then just let the air out of my lungs, cursed under my breath and put the knife back into my pocket.  How many times I had drawn the knife out of my jacket in the past two or three days? I had even cut myself and the fabric of the pocket in the process. I was terribly paranoid, I couldn’t help it, and I really preferred being jumpy than have, lets say, a pipe smashing my head before I could even gasp.

I could make the silhouette of some kind of mall a couple of blocks ahead, so I stopped. That kind of places were never good to explore or be around on your own, it was the favorite spot for trashy gangs to gather. I didn’t want to break the route I had planned to follow, I didn’t know the area and I didn’t want to risk getting lost, but running into dangerous people was a little bit worse I supposed, seeing that I was on my own and a little pocket knife wouldn’t be much of a help against one of those gangs. You never knew how many of them could there be or what were they armed with; it could go from bare fists to a fucking machinegun, as far as I had heard. Suddenly, walking away didn’t sound so bad. It would be just a few blocks to the side to avoid the huge building, then back on my way.

So that’s what I did. I took out the map and tried to locate my position, which took me a good 15 minutes fighting with the huge, old, worn piece of paper. Once found, I checked the streets around the area, no diagonals, no weird intersections, just straight roads; great. I folded the map again into the heavy backpack and started off to my right. I was going to walk two blocks; maybe three for good measure. At the first intersection, I slowed down and approached the sidewalk, because, even if there weren’t any cars to run over me, there might be someone who could see me. An intersection meant a lot of exposure from everywhere. So I peeked from behind the rests of a container, nothing to my right, nothing to my left… And I walked. Just as I passed to the next block, a crunching noise reached my attentive ears. My neck popped loudly at my tension and a hot wave ran through my spine. I threw myself to a side, crouching behind the twisted skeleton of a once imposing pick-up truck and searched frantically for the source of the sound. There was nothing moving. I waited still, the best I could; I might as well have stopped breathing, I just wanted to make myself disappear behind the crunched metal. I couldn’t even tell where it had come from. From behind me? From some building? from ahead? Had it been me? I just stood in my place, not moving an inch, the handle of the knife held so tight my knuckles were white as chalk. My search was starting to get dangerously lazy, when I noticed something on the ground, not far from my spot behind the destroyed vehicle. It looked like shattered glass, sprawled on the ground in tiny pieces, probably from some windshield. I eyed it dubiously, was that it? Had it really been me? Did I step on it without realizing? I slowly heaved a sigh, looking one more time to my surroundings before stepping out of my hideout and approaching the broken crystal on the pavement. I tentatively stepped on it to hear the crunching noise it made. Well, maybe it had been me after all. I felt really stupid.

It was in a second, maybe two. A soft, almost imperceptible wave of air brushed the back of my neck, giving me goose bumps. A shiver ran down my spine as a strange feeling pulled my attention to my back. It was all those little signs that told you something just wasn’t right. Maybe it was a false alarm, just me being paranoid, but in my situation I couldn’t afford to ignore it. So I turned… Or I was planning to when I felt a rush of air against my back. This time a very perceptible one; the result of something moving quickly upwards, making that little hollow sound that bumped against your eardrums. I tried to jump to the side, or forward, just out of the way of whatever it was, but something heavy and solid crashed itself against my right shoulder, making me fall to the ground. I turned up immediately, ignoring the numbing pain that was pulsing though my whole arm, only to be faced with a very tall figure hovering above me. I scrambled away the best I could, and something clashed loudly besides my leg against the pavement. I stood up and stumbled backwards until I was behind a burnt container on the side of the street.

The tall figure was nothing more and nothing less than a man, a big one if I must add, with dark, heavy clothing and a very messy look over all. The clothes were ragged and stained everywhere, with patches and layers of different kinds. I noticed the boots, the leather gloves, the chains, and, of course, the huge metal pole in his hands. I had just ran into a dangerous one, an outlaw, probably part of some gang. The guy moved towards me with a look that promised nothing good. He was holding onto the metal pipe tightly with both hands and making it bounce in the air, as if he was preparing to give a good swing. And I’m certain he was, but I was sure as hell going to try to avoid it.    

The guy circled my little protection, and I did the same, only in the opposite direction. The knife was firm in my hand, but hidden on my side. _Try to keep the element of surprise on your side,_ I could hear the voice of my former guide in my head. So I was trying, but I couldn’t make my brain process much information at the time, practically all of my attention was on the big dude and his shiny stick, so I didn’t notice the footsteps behind me until it was too late. A grunt warned me of the second man behind me, but by the time I tried to step to the side, I felt a choking arm around my neck and saw the first guy rush towards me.

I pushed, pulled, kicked and trashed around as much as I could but the man holding me was damn strong. In a matter of milliseconds, I had the first guy in front of me and his hard fist buried in my stomach. The air left my lungs and I wobbled in the other vandal’s hold, then I felt myself being dragged backwards. It took me a second to understand the situation. I had been ambushed, I had no longer the knife in my hand, my backpack had already been removed from me, but still they were dragging me _somewhere_. Back. In the direction of the mall that I was trying to avoid. Where surely was the rest of the gang. A sudden wave of pure panic struck me at this realization and a new explosion of adrenaline had me trashing with renewed determination against my captor as I started looking for my lost knife on the ground. I found it on the mud besides the container I was hiding behind, and then a fist crashed against my face. Feeling dizzy and with half my face in pain, I put all the strength I could on my neck as I threw my head forward, and then back. I wasn’t sure if it was going to work, but was greatly satisfied when I felt something hard hit the back of my head. For a second, the hold loosened and I took my chance, throwing myself forward and to the ground, scrambling to the knife. I reached out, grazing the blade with my fingers when a pair of hands held my ankles.

There was a struggle, I was desperately trying to crawl and the hands were pulling me back. I reached out again and felt the hard object against my palm. Suddenly, my hair was pulled roughly, rising my head to see the very same metal pipe from before aiming straight to my face. The guy swung it towards me and I instinctively pulled my arms up to stop it. I felt the smash of pain in my forearms, then pulls and tugs from different sides, a couple more hits, more pain, and then a chocked gasp and something keeping my fisted hand in place, like it was stuck with something. There was a minimal instant of quiet and stillness, a movement under my hand and something warm dripping over my clamped fingers, and then I understood what I had done. I immediately pulled the knife out and in again, pushing the guy to the floor using all my weight while feeling the second one trying to grab me by the head and eventually grabbing the hood that came from under my jacket. It all became a mess of strengths. I stabbed and cut, kicked and punched, bit and pushed. I attacked anything and everything that came close to me, be it a hand, an arm, a leg, a face. For me it was all a mass of danger and I wanted it away. In the end, I found myself kneeling on the pavement, panting and sweating, my hands and face burning and two figures on the ground in front of me. I didn’t know if they were dead, I didn’t care.

I took my backpack and ran.

 


	4. The first piece

I honestly don’t know how much I ran; a couple of blocks, a kilometer, two, more. I only stopped when my legs gave out and I fell loudly crashing against a lamp post and then hit the floor. I couldn’t pick myself up. I just lay there, my body burning in exhaustion, my breath raged and raw, my throat feeling like sand paper and my lungs hurting. I could feel my nose itching to the point that it started to leak, and my eyes were watering so much everything I saw was a blur. Then I started to cough, and I couldn’t stop. I started spitting saliva between coughs; I felt bile rising up, my nose running and tears rolling down my face. I was trembling violently, but I just couldn’t control it anymore, I didn’t even try wiping my face or being quieter, it would be useless and the only thing I was trying to do was to _keep breathing_ , which was hard enough. I suddenly felt my throat close up and my stomach contract itself painfully. I just kept coughing while throwing up the absolute nothing I had in my stomach. I felt I was going to actually choke, I couldn’t breathe through the gagging and coughing, the bile burned and tasted like hell… After a few more seconds of believing I’d die chocking in my own spit, it stopped, and I could feel some air filling my lungs.

One last, violent cough took all the strength I had left in me and I collapsed on the ground. I took all the air I could in, as slowly as possible, trying not to start convulsing again. I could smell the bile next to me, I could feel all the different fluids still running down my face, I was still shaking and my heart was hitting my ribcage like mad. But outside my disastrous self, there was nothing but quietness.

A couple of minutes passed, and I could feel my limbs again behind the numbing pain. I tried to move but failed, only managing to rock myself a little. I waited a little more and tried again. I pulled myself up from the ground and on my knees and hands. Then I sat back, and finally I stood on my feet, almost falling in the process. A loud, annoying buzz filled my ears as I felt the air itching again. I exhaled loudly and turned to the side.

There was a man.

I almost started hyperventilating. I could feel my eyes going wide, and my hand reaching for the knife in my pockets. I couldn’t believe this was happening again, I thought I had lost them, how far had I run? Hadn’t it been enough? I was so tired, I wouldn’t be able to put another fight.

As if he could read my mind, the man pulled his hands up, showing his palms to me. He had a cautious look on his face, and wasn’t moving from his place. I let my brain work a little bit, and took in his appearance. He was slimmer than the other two. He had rather normal clothing, no metal pipe, no chains, no menacing aura… And he was talking to me. Or he had. I didn’t hear him, so I didn’t say anything. The guy stood on his place, a flash of worry crossing his features. He raised his hands higher and took a tentative step towards me. He didn’t look scared or nervous even. He was firm and assertive, like he knew perfectly what he was doing, and I didn’t feel any safety on that. I stepped backwards rather clumsily, my breathing speeding up and my hand shaking a little. But I wasn’t going to let this guy think he had the upper hand. So I slipped the bag from my shoulders placing in on the floor next to me. I trained my eyes on him and did my best to keep my body from trembling. I knew I couldn’t run, I was way too tired to even try, so my best choice was to try to take the guy down as quick as possible and be on my way. ‘ _Try’_ being the key word. 

The moment I raised the knife firm on my hand though, the man’s eyes grew wide and he took a step back.

“Wow, no, hey!” -he hurried while waving his hands “I’m not… I’m not armed, I won’t harm you” -he kept his eyes on my hand, then lifted his gaze to me, his face calm and his hands still up “I… I can help you out, ok? No need to fight, no violence… I come from a little group not far from here… we can help you, ok?” –he repeated.

I didn’t move, just eyed him suspiciously. I saw his eyes running up and down my figure. I was pretty sure my image was simply tragic, and my strength was starting to falter again, having lost the sense of imminent danger. I wanted to believe in the guy, I wanted to trust him so much, I clearly needed help, but was it really safe to do so?

“Hey”- he started again, taking a step forward, “I know you might be wary, but just come with me and you’ll see there’s nothing to be wary of.  Just follow me… You can keep the knife”- he added motioning to my hand with his head.

I slowly lowered my hand. I knew it was too soon to be giving up, to be throwing myself to chance, but I was so tired, and everything just hurt so much. I took in a shaky breath and my whole body wobbled. I held my legs firm to look at the guy with the hardest look I could manage. He was watching me with wide attentive eyes, his hands reaching out, as if ready to catch me. I wanted to warn him, to make him understand that I wouldn’t trust him so easily, that I wouldn’t be fooled, that he should be careful of what he was going to do, but honestly, I could barely stand. As if trying to prove my point, my legs gave in again, this time sending my knees straight to the pavement.

I saw him lounging towards me, hands ahead. The look on his face had changed, not worried or careful anymore, but determined and hard as a stone. Maybe I should have been worried, or should have tried to move aside, to protect myself, run even? But I just stayed there on my knees and let him come to me.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and said something I couldn’t understand. The buzz in my ears became louder; I couldn’t feel my legs beyond the layer of numbness and my sight started to blur, then darken. I wasn’t sure if my eyes were open or not, I just couldn’t see anymore. I still felt a pair of hands shaking my shoulders, giving soft slaps to my cheek, holding my face, moving to my back and over my arms. I felt a sudden jerk just before everything stopped.

\--

I woke up with a major headache. I felt cold and stiff, dizzy and weak. All I could do was groan and shift in my place, my eyes tightly shut. I tried to find a more comfortable position, but I had to stop when a sharp pain invaded by back. My eyes flew open as I hissed in pain and light smashed my retinas.   

I kept still, groaning and kind of whimpering though clenched teeth, until I felt some rustling noise nearing me. There were steps approaching, ushered voices, and things being moved. Metal things, I could hear the clangs and then something splashing. I opened my eyes the tiniest bit and attempted to stand up ignoring the throbbing in my head, but the whole place started spinning as soon as I raised my head.

“Easy boy, not so fast”- I heard someone say near me.

I tried to focus my sight, and saw a face above me. I knew him… Yeah, it was the same guy from before. I eyed him unsure, while holding onto the edge of the whatever-thing I was lying on, ready to jump down. But it was not necessary, for he just handed me a battered metal cup of water with a tentative smile. I took a second to look at him, to look at the gray, cold room we were at, to slowly sit up, and then took the cup, smelled it, and gulped down the water.

I sighed contentedly as I felt the liquid sliding down my throat, who knows how long had it been since I had some?

“Yeah, I could tell you needed that”- the guy smiled a little wider, “and you definitely needed the nap too, a whole day of it!”

He laughed. I just watched him until he stopped, probably feeling awkward. He fidgeted in his seat and stood up to retrieve something from a corner. I sat in my place, wondering how long had it been since I last laughed, or even smiled for the matter. I couldn’t remember.

“Here are your things”- he said while dropping my backpack next to me, “but I think you should stay a day or two to recover before moving on. You were in a really poor condition… you still are.”

I looked down to myself and saw a couple of bandages on my arms and hands. I felt the throbbing pain in my face, legs and back… Specially my back. I sighed loudly, knowing that he was right. I had pushed it far enough, I should be really thankful that he found me at that time, or who knows what could have happened?

“Thanks”- I croaked out, still looking at my dry hands. I hear him hum in answer, “Are you on your own?” I could practically hear the ash in my voice.

“No, as I told you before, we’re a little group, just nine of us, but we manage fine as it is. Actually I think we’re doing better than some of the big groups around”- he took the cup from my hands and refilled it before handing it back to me. I gulped the water down again. “I was out looking for one of us because it was going to rain soon when I saw you running like mad out there and then suddenly crashed against a post and straight to the ground. I wasn’t sure of what to do at first, but when I saw your state I knew that if I left you there then you were done for. So I tried to approach you. Up close you were in even worse condition that what I thought, but you still held your ground. You must be pretty strong willed… or stubborn… or prideful”- he chuckled. I kept silent, looking at him straight in the eyes “Or not, I guess, I’m sorry-“

“Actually I’m all of that”- I deadpanned.

The guy just laughed.

\--

I spent two days with them. I refilled the only water-container I had emptied and accepted only a few packages of food and other things (like a bottle of mouthwash, which I found _necessary_ after waking up the first day). I had some time to think calmly, staring at grey walls, at a stained ceiling and through a dusty window, and so I thought. I thought about my sister back at what had been home, I thought about these guys and how they were progressing by themselves, I thought of my proven inability to stay alive for more than half a week on my own… And I thought about those two guys lying on the pavement, perhaps they still were, their corpses still were. The idea of having probably killed someone was upsetting, it would haunt me for who knows how long, and I almost hoped they were still alive so guilt wouldn’t eat me away… That’s what I should have been thinking maybe, but the truth is I wasn’t. I wasn’t preoccupied at all; I actually hoped I had killed them both. Somewhere deep inside my conscience something told me that that wasn’t the normal reaction to a possible double murder, but normal had changed long ago and so many times already, it didn’t matter to me anymore. I had something to achieve and I wasn’t going to be stopped if I could help it.

I didn’t think about _them_ , I tried not to.

I also talked with the guy who picked me up, not much of anything in particular, just small talk to break some awkward silence, him asking how my injuries were doing or some random doubts popping in my head. There was some usable information generally, like knowing what I had bumped into when those guys jumped me.

“Yeah, there’s a pretty big group of outlaws not that far from here,” he said when the topic came up (though I didn’t mention the possibility of having killed someone) “that’s why we’re planning on moving away from here, they keep growing.” At my raised eyebrow he explained further, “They were just a bunch of scruffy guys first, but then another group arrived and they somehow agreed in staying together. Then another few joined here and another couple there. In no time they were a damn big gang occupying the mall at the north. We suspect they might be armed with a little more than pipes and knives, you know, we think they got their hands into some heavier stuff. Luckily, they don’t bother too much around here _yet_ , but if you’re gonna keep wandering you should be careful.”  He concluded before we dropped the chat in favor of some food.

I never saw the others though, only heard them through the thin walls. I could hear them talking, moving, organizing, working, discussing, bickering, fighting… laughing. They laughed so much. I found it annoying.

The second night I found myself against the wall, catching their conversations, listening to their unimportant chatting, _trying_ to hear them laughing. I didn’t know but I was waiting for that. And when they did I felt warm tears roll down my face. My throat got congested and my chest heavy. I wanted to laugh too... Then I thought of them. I sat there for an hour, listening. In the next ten minutes I got all my stuff ready to leave the next morning.

Next morning came. The moment the sky got its firsts light brown patches, the moment the tiniest change in light made everything visible, I walked out the door. My talkative rescuer insisted I stayed with them. I refused. He asked me to wait a couple of days more. I refused yet again. He asked me to be careful. I bowed slightly, thanked him again, and left.

\--

I had been able to get a little information from him. I had a vague idea of where I was and where I could find more non-hostile people. Luckily for me, it wasn’t too far away. But it was too soon to call that good luck yet. First of all, the roads could hold any kind of surprises around any corner, be it a ten minute walk or a year-long journey. Second, non-hostile people didn’t necessarily mean cooperative people. And third and not less important, if _he_ wasn’t there, then it would have been as good as nothing.

I let my feet keep me on the move. The hidden sun followed my every step, while the cold wind kept the fog and dust out of my view. I could hear the nothingness around me, I could smell the recent rain, I could see the desolation ahead, and I could most definitely feel that tiny tug inside, that little push that made me go faster with each passing street. The musky clouds were at its brightest when my ears caught a soft rumor, something that wasn’t the city silently rotting away.

I walked faster. It took all of my self-control not to run, but in few minutes I was peeking behind a corner to a tired looking group of people lifting a battered dozen of bags and boxes and carrying them into a rundown storage. I leaned forward and could make some more people at the entrance of the storage and some more inside. Among all of them, there was someone who caught my attention. A tall, broad man was giving directions to a couple of youngsters carrying a wooden box. That was the one I had to approach then.

I took a step out of my hiding spot, keeping my hands visible and a slow pace I walked towards the group. I stayed as far away from anything that could hide me as I could. In no time, one of them saw me and told the one with him. It took a total of 7 seconds for all of the people to be looking at me. But I kept my eyes trained on the tall guy. When he realized this, he started walking towards me, and I stopped.

\--

I pushed through the people at the entrance, grunting some _excuse me_ ’s here and there. These people really…

I managed to take a look outside and strained my sight to see better but I only gained a slight headache. A year ago I would have freaked out if someone told me I had to use glasses, but right now, there was nothing I wished more than being able to do so. I sighed in exasperation as I couldn’t really distinguish anything. A woman moved to the side and I took my chance.

For a moment there was nothing but people. Well no, a couple of men I recognized… I focused my eyes and then there was a couple of men I knew and one that I didn’t recognize talking with the head of the group. I took a step forward, trying to see better… Then there was one man that I knew… That a freaking _knew_ and was there standing almost unrecognizable talking with some random dude I suddenly didn’t give a crap about.

I waited for a minute, to see if I was hallucinating, if I was dreaming, if I just got the wrong person. But he was still there, in all his grumpy stubbornness. I couldn’t be wrong; it was him, even with his hair black and messy, with his face scary and beaten, with his clothes dark and dirty. Even when he looked so worn out, so different... How long? How much…? I felt a little pang of hurt, or maybe melancholy… Could it be longing? It kinda hurt, right in the middle of the chest.

Then, for some reason, a flashback materialized itself on his features for me, and I could see his annoyed face. The eyebrows frowning upwards, his eyes wider and his mouth pushed into a scowl. That face I knew. That face I recognized. That face I remembered so well.

I simply smiled and sprinted towards him, the only word I could think of suddenly felt so warm and familiar that I yelled.

“Hyung!!”

\--

Things were going to take long apparently. I was trying to make this guy understand that I was looking for someone, that all I needed was for him to check among the people here for a name or even a face. Or let me fucking do it! But he had no list of no one, he didn’t have time to ask anyone, he didn’t have space to let me in, he didn’t have any intention to help me out. It was the third time or so I was trying to convince him that I wasn’t going to steal anything.

“Please, just let me walk around at least, I won’t do anything, I’m just trying to find someone-“

“There’s no place for new people and you can’t guarantee that you won’t steal anything” -the man, a head over me, insisted while moving to block my view. I was in no mood for this shit.

“Do you want me to wait until you’re done with moving all this stuff so you’re sure I won’t take anything?! Ok, I’ll wait! I’ll go sit _right there_ where you can perfectly see me and wait until you are done! It’s not like I can lift a fucking box over my head and run, now can I?! I don’t even know what the fu-!”

“Hyung!!”

The big guy turned around, but I still couldn’t see anything behind him. I was about to go sit when I heard another _Hyung!!_ , this time closer, like right beside me. I turned and all I could see was a pair of big, huge teary eyes just before a bone-crushing (not so bone-crashing) embrace threw me a couple of steps backwards.

I stood frozen for a second, watching as the big guy looked at me in shock. Then I took the pair of shoulders that were pressing against mine and pushed them away. Maybe a little too harshly. I could see at least half a dozen of emotions flicker through those big eyes; surprise, happiness, excitement, shock, uncertainty, doubt… He opened his mouth a couple of times, no more than some broken syllables coming out, his eyes stuck earnestly onto mine and bright with trembling tears.

I just held him away, focusing on his face, on the fact that I had actually found him. I did. I succeeded, didn’t I? It wasn’t so impossible, right? I could actually do this… Could I? Then I realized he was talking, or rather mumbling, something to me.

“-yung? It’s me, Sungjong”- his voice was trembling a little bit, and there was no longer excitement or happiness in his eyes, but there was a lot of doubt, “Hyung!” He practically whined.

Then was when it clicked in my head that this young man in front of me was the same boy that I used to tease so much, that could give me a death glare while looking ridiculously childish, that would whine his way out of problems, that would throw witty unexpected remarks, that would suddenly comfort you in a rather strange but effective way… This was Sungjong, _our_ Sungjong, the same I saw that last December waving enthusiastically and promising to bring a present back from his hometown to his childish hyungs. The very same Sungjongie whose last words to me had been _‘You whinny grandpa! ’._

I pulled him back into my arms and squished him, _hard_.

“Hyung!” - I heard him protest again against my shoulder, kicking the ground even, but hugging back nonetheless. I couldn’t help but let out a shaky breath, one that sounded suspiciously similar to a laugh.

 


	5. Stepping twice on the same twig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just letting you know that I finally remembered to unlock my other fics :)

It was almost funny. Not an hour after finding Sungjong, we were already fighting. It would have been nostalgic, even familiar and relieving in a twisted way, if I just wasn’t so desperate to make him see reason. It surged in the most natural way, him asking me what I was doing around there. I said I was trying to find them, to locate them, and he immediately jumped forward, nodding enthusiastically even before I finished the sentence. I knew what was coming, so before he could say a word, I said he wasn’t coming with me. That’s how it started. We argued for a long time until we got tired. There was no room for him to go slam the door shut, no other hyung to step in and meddle in the situation, and no whimpering or harsh comment that would make me falter in my decision. So he gave up in favor of spending the little time we had in a better way. Of course I knew it was only momentarily, but I took the offer anyway.

We talked of silly things at first, like what was the place he was staying, or if that big tall guy was always so stupid, how on earth did he manage to keep his hair so decently styled, how he looked more like a man now. That got me a punch on the arm. When our talk started approaching the more sore subjects, our voices lowered a little. He asked about my family, then I asked about his. I asked how he was managing here, how was he being treated, how were their supplies, how was it with the gangs, how were they fighting the weather. He stopped me at a point, saying I was letting the old hyung out too much. I asked if that was a bad thing, he smiled and shook his head.

“I just got unaccustomed to it”- he said, a sad tone dragging behind his words.

But I couldn’t help to be worried though. His answers to my questions had worried me seriously. The place was a disaster, they were getting low on supplies, the rain was starting to leak into the shelter and they kept patching things up with nothing. Some people had left already, some others were whispering about it when they thought nobody listened. They were practically defenseless against any possible ransack and the fights among them were getting more frequent day after day. By the end, he was slumped against the wall, a blank look on his face, his words a mumble.

“I don’t know what to do anymore Hyung”- he said, “why would I stay here? This is not gonna last much longer, but I can’t-” He sighed loud and bitterly, his eyes trained on the dusty pavement under his worn shoes.

I knew what he meant, what he wasn’t saying. He wanted to leave, but didn’t dare doing it on his own and hadn’t gotten the courage enough to join the people that left. Suddenly, the idea of taking him with me wasn’t so crazy. I looked over at the storage and saw the dark faces of the people, the state of the walls, the half assed patches… Then I thought about my hurting back, I thought of metal pipes and chains and huge, hard fists against my face, of crumbling masses of concrete falling over someone’s head, of sleepless nights and restless days, of sudden rain and dangerous shelters, of constant uncertainty. I looked back at him; he was fidgeting with a loose strand on his sweater, his thin fingers barely visible under the too long sleeves. I had said he looked more like a man now, and yes, on the first impression he had. But now that I was there, sitting with him, he looked exactly the same as that boy I left in Seoul. What if I took him with me and something happened to him? What if we got lost? Or attacked? And what if… What if I didn’t take him with me, if I left him here alone, and something happened to him anyway? Anything? Would there be anyone to help him out?

I groaned in frustration (and was about to pinch the bridge of my nose when I remembered the nasty bruise on it). I wasn’t sure what I was trying to convince myself of. If I wanted to believe he was safer here without me or out there with me. It would be better to have someone with me, four eyes saw more than two, and maybe I could have some actual sleep. But I had no idea how prepared was Sungjong for a trip like this. I was barely managing, starting to get the hold of it, not to mention that I almost died in the process, so wouldn’t it be even worse to bring with me the inexperienced boy? But now I couldn’t bring myself to leave him here and hope for the best either, because I knew the best wasn’t going to happen, so I could only hope he could manage on his own, but I didn’t know if he could. So there we were at the starting point again. At the end it all came down to whether he was or wasn’t capable of survive alone, and the options were, let him doing it alone in hopes he wouldn’t have to, or be with him while he does.

I looked up and saw him staring at me. Maybe I should let him chose what he wanted to do, but I had to make clear to him what he was going to be confronted with if he did came with me. I needed him to know what he was choosing.

“Do you _really_ want to come with me?”- I asked looking straight to his eyes, trying to make my every word sink in. He looked back a little surprised, “Are you _completely sure_ you want to come with me?”

“Of course!”- he started nodding again, “I told you I want-“

“Sungjong”- I held his face in place with both my hands, “we are going to be walking nonstop, day and night, with only a map as guide. I can’t guarantee you food or water, safety or success, not even being able to sleep. We could find anything on the way, anything could happen, from a sudden rain to an earthquake, or finding dangerous people or getting lost and we would be out in the street, _alone_. You get it?”

I held his face firmly; his eyes were wide and his mouth a thin line. I could almost see his thoughts running around in his head. He kept quiet for a while, and I almost believed he was going to recoil, until he spoke again, his voice cautious and his eyes firm.

“Is that what you have been doing, hyung?”- I could only blink at him. He took my hands off his face and squeezed them, “On your own?”

I sighed and nodded. He squeezed harder and I saw a thread of determination tangling in his brown gaze. There was the childish stubbornness I knew, and a sharp edge of something new.

“Were you out in the streets when it rained?”

“Sungj-“

“Hyung please! Were you?”

“… Yes”

“How long have you been out there alone?”

“Less than a week”

“How long?”

“I don’t know, four or five days”- if you didn’t count the days I traveled with that man, he said _alone_ after all.

“Have you ever slept more than, I don’t know, 4 hours in that time?”

“Of course not, I couldn’t… I can’t”

“Did you run out of food or water?

“No, Sungjong, I had enough, I still have”

“Did you find a gang on the way?”

“Yeah, more like they found me…” –I saw his eyes go straight to my nose, my forehead, below my left eye, my mouth, my neck, my hands. I knew he was taking in all of my visible injuries.

“Are all those…?”

“Yes”

“What-“

“Enough, you got the idea already” – I cut him off sharply, standing up “You can see this is dangerous, right?”

But I knew for the look in his eyes that he had taken it differently. He also stood up, sight locked with mine. He nodded, not with the childlike, indulgent enthusiasm of the Sungjong I knew, but with the stillness and determination of a Sungjong I had yet to discover.  

\--

 There wasn’t much time for us to get ready; people in charge didn’t want me around, so I had to leave as soon as possible, before things got ugly. Luckily, Sungjong seemed to be planning some sort of escape, or he was getting ready for the inevitable collapse of his group, for he had a little cardboard box under his bunk with an emergency pack of the sorts. It wasn’t much, but it was going to be all we could gather in so little time. There was a lantern, an empty but rather big canteen, a few packages of dry unsalted crackers, some cereal bars, a can of something seemingly edible, a pair of scissors and a little box of matches. He also pulled a big green military-like jacket from under the blanket, it wasn’t too thick but it would do just fine. We had to get him a pair of decent boots to wear, because I was not going to let him walk a single block away with the torn pair of soft sneakers he was wearing. Those would _disintegrate_ at the first kilometer.

By sometime around four or so, we were at the entrance of the shed, two bags on our backs, jackets on and minds set. We took off without a glance back.

As expected, the first day was spent rather quietly. I didn’t want to risk anything, and Sungjong was so tense that I could probably snap him in half with a slight push. He kept looking everywhere, holding onto the stripes of his bag as if it were his life, he walked practically glued to my side and mumbling alarmed ‘ _hyung_ ’s every time he _thought_ something moved. After a dozen of these little perks, I stopped reaching for my pocket knife and started taking it easy. So we mainly walked. He knew the way pretty well, but I had to get his attention once in a while to ask him where to go, or if we were still in the right track, because he just spaced out in his own worries. It wasn’t bad that he kept an eye always attentive, the thing is he got so worried and frightened over everything, he ended up really spacing out, overthinking his surrounding’s very existence.

By the time night started to creep behind us, we had managed to advance a considerable distance, but he was so stressed out that I could _see_ his pupils shaking. I pulled him towards the sidewalk and carefully entered a void little store; not too big, not too small, nothing useful to lure anyone in, some furniture to hide behind, it was ok.

I couldn’t sleep anyway. I saw Sungjong trying _not_ to sleep, shaking his head and opening his eyes wide, but the day caught up to him and his head fell forward once and for all. The hours passed, I felt myself going in and out, the little imitation of sleep I was tricking my head with during the last days wasn’t as successful as before, because I kept jumping at every move from Sungjong besides me.

In no time we were huddled in the corner like a pair of little lab rats trying to get the most of human heat we could. It’s not that I hadn’t suffered the cold before, but now there was something (someone) I could lay close to and get warmer, and he leaned in out of reflex. So I passed the hours of the night not asleep but not fully awake, with Sungjong’s head on my shoulder and my back cold and hurting. I kept my eyes trained on the open door, or what I could see of it, trying to catch the change of lights the morning brought along. That’s why the moment I could distinguish the silhouette of the lamp post right outside our little hideout, I shook my shoulder and, therefore, Sungjong’s heavy head. He woke up slowly, groaning and blinking the night away. He looked at me drowsily for a while, then around, and then he seemed to remember what was going on, attempting to push the sleepiness out of his system as soon as possible.

As we moved on he started to relax a little more. He started walking more naturally, not jumping so much, not clenching my arm into numbness, he even started to talk a little, then a little more, and in no time I was having to shut him up. It’s not like I didn’t appreciate the company, on the contrary, I couldn’t be more glad that I had found him, safe, healthy, and willing to come with me, to brighten the dull days I had to walk through. It’s just that I couldn’t indulge myself in the luxury of forgetting the circumstances that had us trapped into this half dead city.

So I tried to be as quiet as possible, but from time to time, we were pulled back in time, years back, and we raised our voices to the level of a stupid quarrel over the last piece of meat, or who showers first, or ‘why do you keep getting that move wrong?’. It was like the mutual company tricked us back into a life that wasn’t there anymore; it drowned our senses in a comforting lull of familiarity that numbed the sharp and broken scenery around us. We didn’t notice the void windows, we didn’t look enough at the intersections, we didn’t listen over the hollow sound of the wind, we definitely didn’t see the shadows moving around us. At least not until it was too late.

I saw the figure coming towards us from the corner of my eye and felt the air tangle in my lungs. My heart exploded in a crazy succession of thumps that numbed my now trembling hands. I turned sharply and the man froze in his place, eyes wide from the slight surprise, but the moment I reached for my pocket, a second person surged from the remains of the city. Something trapped my arm in a deadly lock, nails almost digging into my skin through the layers of my clothes, and a breathless plea brought me back to Sungjong, who was hanging onto my arm and panicking over a third person to my side. I could feel him trembling, I could see him shrinking, I could hear him nearly hyperventilating and I regretted having brought him with me. I shouldn’t have, what had I done? I had thrown him into this. I ran away last time, but now…

My face hit the dirty ground and I heard Sungjong’s panicked scream. I tried to look up only to be met with the dark, insane features of a bulky man hovering over me. I could hardly breathe as his weight pushed me against the ground, but I could still hear Sungjong calling my name over and over again. I started growing desperate as I couldn’t see him, the man over me kept trying to hold me in place and I started calling my dongsaeng back, squirming furiously under him. The moment I heard his frail voice crack and stop abruptly was the moment my mind shut down.

I felt a rough, hot wave of tension run all over my body and my chest getting heavy. I could feel a sharp numbness wrapping my muscles. I felt somehow lightheaded, my heart thumping loudly in my ears and echoing all over my body. But at the moment it was all a mess of tension, trembling, fear, desperation and raged breathing. I flailed, unconsciously putting all of my strength in every single move, I grabbed the man’s neck with all the brutality my arms and hands could muster, my fingers sinking into the soft flesh right below his jaw. I could feel his pulse pushing madly against my digits, so I pressed tighter, nails breaking the skin and drawing blood. One of his hands flew to my wrist and the other to my own neck, and I almost gagged for the sudden constriction in my throat. But the moment he occupied his hands on me, I plunged with my other hand the little knife in his side once, twice until he jumped back elbowing my face. He stumbled though, and I took the chance to lounge forward and over him, stabbing him right in the neck without a single thought. I somehow ignored the pain in my hand, the jerky pulls, the sickening warm wetness that stained my hands and the gurgling, all mingled in a knot of signals I took in as a sign of partial success, dead or not, the damage was enough. Before I could take in anything else, I jumped away from the guy under me, trying to avoid the growl that came from behind me. Good thing, because when I looked back, there was another man in the spot I was a millisecond ago.

I looked to the side and found the third man holding a terrified Sungjong by the neck, twisting one of his fucking fragile arms behind his back. Before anyone could catch my intentions I ran towards them, not stopping and tackling them both to the ground, trying to pry the man’s hand from the boy’s arm in the process. I don’t know if I managed to do so, all I know is that we all fell to the ground, hard and messy, elbows and knees hitting here and there, heavy huffs and groans and everyone trying to disentangle from one another. The moment I could focus my eyes and move my arm, I fisted the knife tight and plunged it in at the first opening I saw, pushing with all my body against the resistance of both the guy and his clothing. I felt Sungjong crawling on my side, so I kicked him away, at the same time propelling myself towards the man.

“Get away!!” was all I managed to yell, barely looking at him, before a heavy arm fell on my back. I rolled away the best I could just in time to see a fucking _machete_ hit the asphalt with a loud shrieking sound.

I stood up as fast as I could and retreated a good few meters. The other two guys scrambled on his feet too, both of them, sadly. I could see that the one I attacked was panting heavily, hunched over and cradling his side with a bloody hand, but he was _still standing_.

I could feel shots of pain burning in random places, but I wasn’t sure if it were the injuries of my previous encounter awakening in the struggle or if it were new bruises. I was trying to catch my breath, with little results honestly, when I spotted Sungjong behind the two guys, wide eyed and swaying a little, as if he wasn’t sure of were to go. I fixed my glare on him, trying to send the message as clear as possible: ‘ _Get the fuck away_ ’. He seemed to get it, for he gave a few steps back, but still stayed too close for my liking, and with that unnerving indecision of his jerking at his limbs. The last thing I wanted was for him to jump in in a stupid attempt to do _something_ , when he clearly _couldn’t_.

One thing was clear; I had to get rid of the armed one, the healthy one, as fast as I could, preferably before he butchered his way to my insides.

My thoughts were cut clean as the guys suddenly lunged at me.

I tried to avoid the blade the best I could, and succeeded the first and second time the guy tried to cut me in half. By the third time I was so dizzy that I almost didn’t realize that the sharp pain in my thigh was the knife slashing through the muscles of my leg. All I knew was that now it hurt like hell and I had little to no strength on my left leg, so I had to do something. I could see from the peripheral that the injured dude was trying to fetch something from the lump that was the third guy and panicked a little more, guessing that he was retrieving another weapon. The armed man lunged forward again, thinking I was distracted, so he was pretty open and unguarded and I took the chance to drop to my knees and to the side, and tackled him from his flank, trying to grab a hold of his arm at the same time. I clearly couldn’t do it properly, as the guy was damn strong, but it was enough for me to sink my own knife above his collarbone. I felt his arm slackening and took the opportunity to take the machete from him. A few messy, loud and hard stabs later I was scrambling to my feet to block the incoming attack of the last one… Only, it never came.

I looked around, but only saw Sungjong, hunched against a dirty wall, covering his mouth with both hands and trembling as messy tears rolled down his face. Once my ears stopped humming, I could hear his hushed sobs. I looked around once more, to make sure the fucking guy had indeed ran off, and then turned to the body slumped behind me. Three deep breaths and I kneeled besides it, promptly remembering my injured leg with a somewhat strangled scream. I waited a few seconds until the pain was bearable again, and started rummaging through the man’s clothing. I found the machete holder and a little plastic bottle hanging from his belt. I uncapped it and smelled its contents, immediately pulling back as the strong scent of alcohol hit my nose. Would this work as antiseptic? I doubted so, but just in case… I wasn’t sure we had any alcohol with us.

“Do we-“ I tried, but had to stop as the words got stuck with my broken voice. I cleared my throat and tried again “Do we have any alcohol or bandages?” I sounded weak and raspy, but it was enough.

I didn’t get an answer though.

 


	6. Take it as it comes

 

* * *

 

I heard his voice, rough and worn out, but I didn’t understand what he said. I was still in shock. I could feel the pain in my face, my arm and on my side too. It was all a little numbed, all of it, the pain, the sounds, the city. All I could see was the two dead bodies and him, looming over one of them and indifferently rummaging into his clothes. I was shaken, I felt like vomiting, like crying, like screaming, like running, but I did none, I just sat there, unable to move or stop sobbing. Unable to pull my eyes from his back.

Who was this person? Who was this man, stealing from a dead man, from a dead man killed by his own hands not a minute ago, as if he was doing grocery shopping? He turned to look at me, and I felt a shiver run down my spine. His eyes were dark and thin; his brow heavy, his look was the hardest I ever saw him wearing. His face, his pale skin was stained in red on his cheeks, a little on his forehead and from his mouth to his chin. He stood up, wincing notoriously, and started limping towards me. I couldn’t help but cower against the wall. The image was too much to take in. This man, this foreign person, with a hard look, face and hands stained in blood, a huge bloodied knife in his hand, was walking slowly towards me… I trained my sight on his approaching boots and sobbed harder. All I wanted was my hyung back.

“I shouldn’t have taken you with me”

His raspy voice pulled me out of my trance, because he sounded so very broken. I looked up to see his face sad and remorseful. He swallowed and sighed before putting a dark belt around his hips and sheathing the huge knife in there. Then he folded in a smaller one and handed it to me. I eyed it horrified, for it was completely covered in blood, wet and bright. He just sighed again and put it in his pocket.

“Come on, we need to leave before that guy returns with someone else…” he reached his hand to me… And again, I could only look in horror as it was as crimson as the knife before… He seemed to notice this, as he retracted it and wiped it against his pants… “Hurry, stand up, we need to go” I watched the two dead men behind him.

The was some rustling, a loud wince and a heavy breathing close to me, before I felt his hands at the sides of my head. My insides twisted as I tensed up and pulled back remembering the blood on those hands, but he didn’t let go. He looked straight into my eyes and I couldn’t help but try to look away.

“Jongie…” My eyes snapped towards him “ _Please_ , we _have_ to go” This time he didn’t sound commanding, but pleading. His sight was set on my face, and I felt his fingers run near my eye, where I knew I had been hit. His eyes hardened again and his voice dropped an octave “Now.”

The moment his eyes were on mine again, I saw my worried hyung- the cold murderer vanished into thin air- and I felt like holding onto him for dear life, so I did. I dug my hands on his arms as he picked the bags and led us, still limping, away from the dead bodies and the shocking realizations.

\----

We walked a whole lot before he considered we were far enough to take a little break. I was still a little out of it, tense and, as much as I hate to admit, kind of trembling a bit. My face hurt, and so did my side where, I remembered on the way, Sunggyu had kicked me. Pretty hard if I had to say. But I understood the reason why he did it, so I wouldn’t hold it against him. Especially when I saw him walking a meter ahead of me, his limp more evident with each step he took. I wanted to ask him to stop many times, but I couldn’t find my voice to do so. I didn’t want to think about it, but I was pretty much scared of him… And I felt guilty about it. After all, all he did was to protect me, in a violent, scary and unexpected way, but he did nonetheless, and here I was, not able to speak to him. It’s not like I thought he would suddenly turn around and break my neck, but he wasn’t the same person I knew, and I wasn’t sure how much I knew this hyung. I didn’t know what to expect of him.

So when we finally stopped, I gathered all my determination and mentally kicked myself in the butt to go and tug lightly at his sleeve. He looked at me questioningly and I tried to speak twice before I could force my voice out.

“Let me help you with your leg” I signaled to his thigh, dried blood and dirt sticking to it over a messily tied bandage “We didn’t clean it properly, it could get infected or something…” I started searching for some things in my backpack. I looked up and found him looking at me blankly; I felt a little unsettled “W-what is it?”

“I’m just glad you’re talking to me again” he deadpanned, and I felt a tug of guilt inside. I gulped nervously and sighed, slowly reaching for the dusted fabric of his jeans.

I started peeling off the old bandages carefully, but still earning a few bitten curses and restrained winces. When I took the little bottle of antiseptic from my bag he spoke up again, startling me.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me you had that?” He bit out harshly. I looked up surprised but guessed the tone and curse weren’t really for me. He was sweating a little on the forehead and his breathing was a little agitated. He had his jaw firmly set and I could see the muscles in his neck tense. _He must be hurting more than I thought_.

“Why should I?” I tried to keep my tone conversational and light.

“I asked you if we ha-ad any…” his voice hitched as I pulled the last piece of old fabric from his bloodied wound. My eyes widened and I winced a little when I saw that the slash was wider and deeper than I thought.

“I didn’t hear you then” I said as I stared applying the antiseptic on a piece of cloth.

“Yes, I could tell” He said in what sounded like half a whisper.

I tried not to notice the bitter tone as I continued working on the injury.

After having his thigh re-bandaged and cleaned up, we set on moving again. Things weren’t as tense before, but we still kept rather quiet, part because of my insecurity and part because of what happened last time we got carried on.

We walked and walked at a fairly fast pace. I saw him staggering from time to time, giving little jumps to avoid stepping on his left leg, and even whimpering and cursing. But still he kept walking as if the ground burned his soles. I tried to make him slow down, even stop again, but to no avail. He barely even answered me. After what seemed to be hours of moving forward, his leg gave out and he collapsed on the asphalt. I hurried to his side, but before I could even touch him, he was already up and going. And that was it.

“Hyung, stop”- I said pulling from his sleeve, but he shook me off curtly. So I tried again, stepping in front of him- “That’s enough, you need to take a break-“

“No, I don’t”- he deadpanned as he walked past me.

“This is not the time for stubbornness hyung, you _need_ to stop!” I raised my voice and feeling a shudder as my voice lightly echoed against the wasted walls around us. He turned around sharply and leaned towards me, mouth thin and eyes hard, and I felt the air stop in my throat.

“This is not the time for resting Sungjong, we _can’t_ stop” he hissed between his clenched teeth “What we need is to keep walking, and we are going to keep walking”- he turned and walked away.

I stood there, watching him limp away, too angry to follow him, but too shaken to answer back. What was wrong with him? Why was he acting so rash? He hadn’t been like that before… Well, before the incident with those outlaws. But they were done for, no one followed us and we were pretty far ahead anyway. He was being paranoid… Was he?

The sudden realization of a possibility hit me then. How did I know that he wasn’t actually and _literally_ paranoid? I didn’t know how he had been managing all this time before we met, maybe he was always like this; maybe it was normal for him to have violent outbursts like the one before. After all, he didn’t seem too faced when murdering those men, and now he was running away blindly… What if he was suffering some kind of mental instability? I could remember the sudden transitions between the calm hyung to the violent murderer, then back to my hyung, and now this paranoid man-

“Sungjong!” I almost jumped out of my skin. He was limping back to me, his face set in an angry scowl. I felt like running away. I didn’t know what to do now. I couldn’t back down, I didn’t know how to fend for myself, but I couldn’t be completely safe if I stayed around- “Sungjong, what’s wrong with you?” he shook me out of my thoughts.

“What’s wrong with _you_?” I shot back without thinking, and pulling my arm out of his grasp.

He looked at me blankly for a second, and then started talking in a low, calm voice that made me more uneasy than before.

“What’s wrong with me? What do you think it may be?" he narrowed his eyes and cocked his head to the side “The fact that we’ve been ambushed by a group of outlaws? The fact that I killed two of them and a third run away? Or maybe the possibility that he alerted the rest of his gang and they are out to hunt us down? What do you think it is?"

I stood in silence for a while, letting the words sink in place. But before I could muster anything he was already pulling me by the arm. I was still grasping the implications of the situation when my mouth started blabbering on its own.

“Wai-There was… there were three of them?” I mumbled as I was being dragged behind him. My recollection of the episode was so fuzzy that I honestly couldn’t place a number on the group that attacked us, but I did remember there were _two_ dead bodies “How… But I didn’t see-“

“Yeah, well, you were too preoccupied with being scared of me to notice a huge guy running away right in front of your eyes”

Now the bitterness was so noticeable in his voice that I could almost _taste_ it in my own tongue. I was still feeling kind of guilty over it and I knew that he was probably a little hurt, but there was no denying my reasons and I didn’t want it to keep pushing us apart. So I pulled my thoughts together and started walking on my own, matching his pace, but letting him keep a hold of my arm.

“Hyung, I’m _sorry_ about that, ok?” I said trying to convey all my honesty into my words“I _mean_ it. I was shocked and scared and just reacted that way, I wasn’t expecting any of what happened to happen but it all did and so fast that I could barely understand what was going on…” his jaw was still tense and his hand on my arm firm as a handcuff, but he let out a sharp sigh that I took as a mildly good sign.

\--

After a short stop to try to recognize where we were, Sungjong concluded that my frantic walk had actually pushed us outside Gwangju without us realizing. We were walking along one of the now deserted roads that crossed the country. This one was supposed to lead us to Busan, where I hoped we would find the next of the seven. I wished Howon was as easy to find as Sungjong had been.

To say the prospect of the trip we had ahead worried me would be an understatement. We had to practically cross the entire country from west to east to reach the eastern shore, and the fact that the lane we were following diverted way too much to the south for our liking was not helpful. And that’s not mentioning that the chances of another ambush were higher, as big roads were tempting for travelers and, therefore, a good hunting spot for outlaws. We were going to have to cut through the countryside and hope for the best; the best being that some town would have more to offer than to take from us, and that we wouldn’t get lost in the attempt. One way or another, we would have to move from the straight line, be it to the south on the main road, or to the north following the smaller routes, but we thought going north would be the less diverted option. If we did it right, it wouldn’t be that much of a detour, as long as the paths were friendly enough. I didn’t even want to think how long it would take us to even find the original road again, more than half of the trip after, and that, again, _if_ we managed to find it at all.

I took a deep breath and let the air go slowly. We were now at the border of the city, technically outside Gwangju, but the last remains of the town still watched us from behind. We could see the long road reaching as far as we could see ahead of us, only bits and pieces of what once were lonely buildings peaking around. I looked to my side, were Sungjong was lost in the sight. Was he worried? Scared? Anxious? Unsure? Sleepy? I couldn’t tell. We had checked and double checked our belongings in hopes to get whatever we might need further into the journey, taking in consideration that we didn’t know if the smaller towns were in better or worse condition that the ones from where we came from. What if we didn’t find anything until far ahead into the trip? Or even Busan itself? No, that’d be really one of the worst outcomes; we wouldn’t be able to make it if there wasn’t anything in between. We had some food, yes, and bottled water too, but what if it took us weeks to reach the other side? What if there was a storm or an earthquake while we were in the middle of nowhere?

I sighed again and shook my head lightly. We couldn’t keep delaying the trip, the sooner we started, the sooner we finished, or so I wanted to believe. So I adjusted my backpack and patted Sungjong on the shoulder. He looked up with big eyes, as if questioning if we were really going to do this. I could only nod and squeeze his arm a little, hoping it would be of some reassurance. He nodded back, face set in a determined frown, and so we walked away.

\--

It hadn’t been a day and I was starting to get seriously worried. We were almost at the diverting point, where the road would dive south and we were going to keep going forward. We had to stop a couple of times to regain our breath. No matter how in shape you were, the air wasn’t as cooperative as it was before, so we got tired more easily, but we were getting better. I remember the first time I got out I had to stop every kilometer or so to cough and spit my insides, now I lasted about six before feeling like I had sand in my throat, though my thigh would thank me for a break a little sooner. Sungjong was still struggling a little, but he was managing. We were trying not to use anything from our backpacks, to save it for the most uncertain part. The one I could see approaching ahead. The curve of the road wasn’t evident, but I knew the breaking point was coming closer with each step, and so my hands fisted the straps of my bag tighter.

We finally got there, our feet on the asphalt, looking straight into the browns, grays and greens that were waiting for us. The sky, as sick as ever, seemed so much vaster from there. A huge, mushy roof of brownish dirt that kept moving lazily with in no particular direction.

With a swirl of doubts and second thoughts dancing in my head, I took the first step, feeling the dirt and dead grass cracking under my boots. I glanced back and saw my dongaseng looking back, unsure in his eyes, but firm in his stance. He looked at me, and after a deep air intake, he followed me.

“We can do this” he said with a firm voice, but I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me at all.

\--

The hours kept passing by, nothing more than vast land surrounding us. I kept looking back and forth, to the sky and all around us. I hoped it wouldn’t rain soon, because there wasn’t really anything to cover our heads. It didn’t look like it would, but I kept watching, just in case.

We didn’t talk much, it wasn’t as dangerous as before, but we still kept rather quiet. I didn’t know if it was because we didn’t want to waste our breath, if there was nothing to say, or if we were still tense from the incident in the city. I hoped it wasn’t the last, but I couldn’t do much about it. He had to learn to trust me the way I was, for I was not going to let him go back on his own and I couldn’t go back with him. We were stuck together now and we were going to get through it. 

By the time the sky was getting darker, I spotted buildings ahead of us. That had to be the next town we saw in our map, we couldn’t have messed up so much in so little distance, so it had to be. We tried to be as quiet and invisible as possible. We didn’t look too friendly and the last thing we needed was to be chased after. We spent the night inside a firm-looking gas station.

Under the light of a torch, Sungjong helped me check my bandages and injuries. None looked bad, but they still hurt like hell. I touched my nose lightly, and sighed in relief when I didn’t find any strange lump or twist.

“Don’t worry hyung, it’s still as pretty as always”- I heard Sungjong say in an amused voice “The black eye, tough…” he shook his head, clicking his tongue in mock worry “Your eyes are small enough without any help, this doesn’t do any good to your image“

I stared at him for a couple of seconds and then scoffed. He was busy rummaging through his bag, so he didn’t see the incoming slap to his head. 

 

* * *

 

 


	7. The rotten town

“Your hair is a mess” he deadpanned with the most serious face.

I looked up to him, an eyebrow raised “So…?”

“I could tame it a little” he shrugged.

“How? And why?”

“I can, and because I can”

We stared at each other for a while. Then he took his bag, opened it, searched into it and pulled a pair of scissors from it, waving them to me with a little smile on his face “I can’t make it look like back then, but it’ll be definitely better than… _that_ ” he pointed to my head with the scissors “I bet we’ll be the best looking guys in miles around” he added almost jumping with enthusiasm.

I gave a humorous scoff to that, but I couldn’t help the smile on my face “Are you sure you can do it? I do appreciate my hair”

“Oh, please, a monkey with a knife could make it look better than how it looks now” he rolled his eyes.

“Alright, whatever, just keep your witty comments to yourself”

“Is that a green light?” his eyes suddenly seemed to shine, which gave me a little insecurity.

“Yeah, just try not to behead me” I said as I pulled my attention back to cleaning the huge blade on my lap.

“Don’t worry!” he chirped placing himself behind me and softly running his fingers through my hair to try to untangle the knots “I had a noona back at Gwanju that used to be a hairstylist and took care of the hair of a few there, including me” I hummed “She kinda taught me the basics and some tricks to do some magic with scissors and messy hair. After a while I was helping her out and people trusted me enough with it, so you just relax” I felt him starting to work with the scissors, his hand carefully pulling at my hair. “You’ll see it’ll be much more comfortable and it’ll definitely look way better, I can even let some bangs on the front, your hair is actually pretty tame, so it could work” I hummed softly again, a pleasant shiver running down my spine as his slender hands kept massaging my scalp. I blinked slowly “Yes, it’ll probably work, look how these locks just fall in place. I could make it straight then, or maybe a little longer…”

\--

“… So you can pull it to the side, and then it won’t bother you when it starts to grow again-” I could feel his weight softly pushing against me “… Hyung?” he hummed a little “Did you fall asleep?” I asked softly. He only hummed again, and I had to hold in the chuckles.

I finished dealing with his dark locks, now a lot more neat and soft looking, but kept running my fingers through his hair, enjoying the way he practically mewed in comfort. It was a pleasant surprise, really. The thing is, it shouldn’t have been. I had _forgotten_ this little detail, the fact that Sunggyu would melt into a puddle of goo if you played with his hair the right way. I could feel a thick mixture of affection and melancholy nudging at my chest as I watched him dozing off against me. I could remember a scene very much similar to this one, back then, at the dorm, on the couch, in front of the TV… Only it wasn’t me the one stroking the once colored locks. I watched from the side, wondering what was so amazing in playing whit the leader’s hair, why would you actually offer to do it, and have such an idiotic smile plastered on your face while your hyung drifted to dreamland on your lap.

Well, I could sort of relate now.

I tried to sit back a little, moving as little as possible so I wouldn’t wake Sunggyu up, but it didn’t seem to be a problem, because when I shifted, he simply made himself comfortable against me and sighed contently. It surprised me how much he reminded me of the old him, when he would fall asleep on someone’s lap or shoulder, or even on their chests, like now, while watching some annoying variety show. You could move or try to push him off, but as long as you did it gently, he would simple mumble something and nuzzle further into his human bed. And sometimes we didn’t feel like trying harder. _I’m not sleepy_ ; he would say, _I’m not tired_ ; _I’m fine, lets watch some TV now that we can._ But the grandpa would always drift off in no time. Was it because sleep was his weakness? Because he was the old guy he claimed not to be? Because he was damn tired but still tried to stay a little with us? I don’t know.

I heard him mumble something similar to my name and then something that sounded suspiciously akin to _laundry_. I chuckled on my palm and looked outside. It was really dark; I couldn’t see anything past the first gas pump and, I won’t lie, it was extremely unsettling, not to say _frightening_. The silence was only broken by our breathing and shifting. The air moved slightly through the windows, a soft current of wind sweeping the dry dust of the ground besides my boots. I could smell the faint scent of the city, heavy and sickly, a little nasty if you ask me, and something like a distant smoke. Sometimes, when the air was behaving and there was no rain nearby, you could smell smoke from a fire not too close and not too far. There were lots of things with no place and no use that could be perfectly set in fire for the warmth of a shelter. And there were times when the earth was not behaving or the sky would snap and crack and you could still smell or see the glow of a fire, this time maybe a little closer, but in this case you would hope it was not coming from a shelter.

I soft nasal sound from the sleeping man with me cut my mental ramblings and a little whiny _Howon_ sounded in the silence. I sighed loudly and resumed my task of playing with dark locks.

“We’ll find them hyung, don’t worry” I whispered, hoping it would reach and sink into his dreaming mind, and maybe into mine too.

 I sighed again. I had a long time of fighting slumber ahead.

\--

I realized that there was something gently shaking my shoulder, and a soft whispering voice near my ear. The clouds of the dream still fogged my mind a little, with cheerful voices and innocent excitement nudging the corner of my lips upwards. But when the voices drowned in the silence, and the excitement precipitated to the bottom of my stomach, I realized that it was not real, reality was waiting for me, cold and quiet at the other side of my eyelids. And after the fleeting moment of realization and heartache, it downed on me that I had fallen asleep. I wasn’t sure when or how, but there I was, waking up in all my groggy confusion.

“Come on hyung, it’s your turn” the soft voice of my dongsaeng caught my attention to my side.

“What? My turn for what?” I mumbled still sleepy.

“To watch over. I took the first shift” he said, a hint of pride enveloping his hushed voice.

“What? When did I fell asleep? How long was I out?”

“You drifted off while I was cutting your hair hyung. And I don’t know, it’s around 2 now, so I guess around 4 hours or so” he shrugged “Now I’m really sleepy, so it’s your turn.”

With that he turned to the side and nuzzled into the blanket. Soon after, the only thing I could hear was his soft breathing.

I wasn’t sure what to feel at the moment. I was surprised, because I didn’t realize the moment I fell asleep; a little annoyed because Sungjong didn’t wake me up, but extremely relieved for this was the first time in many days that I actually had a good sleep.

So, stretching my arms above my head, I settled myself beside Sungjong and trained my eyes to the door, sweeping my attention through the windows to both sides, then back to the door.

I was still a little sleepy and definitely cold, but I still felt much better after a few hours of good rest. Images of the dream kept coming back, comforting and painful at the same time. Images of us gathered at the kitchen, yelling at each other in a playful manner; images of us reflected in the mirrored wall, sweating and exhausted, but still motivated; images of them sitting around the table, eating like pigs and laughing like children; images of each and every one of them running through my mind.  

\--

We were trying to keep a rather quick pace. The town didn’t show any signs of life, even the buildings that looked safe enough to provide shelter were void of human presence. The buildings didn’t seem to have suffered much more than the ones back at the cities we had already visited, so it’s not like there was some exceptional damage to this place that had it emptied of people. If not mother nature, then maybe it was the people. Maybe they left the place voluntarily… As to why, I wouldn’t know, there were safe places and even some supplies left at a few stores. A gang? Maybe they were wiped out by a big group of outlaws, but then again, if it were to be the case then the place would be infested with them, not desolated like-

“Hyung, what is it?” Sungjong’s voice snatched me out of my thoughts.

He was a few steps ahead of me, so I must have slowed down or stopped altogether. I shook my head and caught up to him so we could move on.

“Nothing, just thinking”

“Thinking about what?”

“Nothing much”

I could see him eyeing me from the side suspiciously.

“Thinking about nothing made you stop and stare at that wall for a minute?”

“It was nothing Jong, I was thinking that we need to leave this town quickly so we can reach the next one before nightfall”

“Yeah, ok” He said dubiously, clicking his tongue “This place stinks anyway”

Well, that was true. Somehow, the heavy air of the town had grown to be downright pestilent.

“Hmm”

“I mean, honestly, is there a dumpster nearby or something? Or maybe a cemetery and an earthquake brought the corpses back up-“

“Jong, please”

“What? It could be. You know better than me even that anything could have happened, right?”

“Yeah, I just don’t need you to go into details about it” I mumbled as I urged him to go faster. I really wanted to get out of there.

“Ok, ok” he said waving his hands “And stop pushing me, it was you who stopped in front of that wall a while ago”

“Yeah, just…” I trailed off as I could see a somewhat outstanding silhouette two blocks ahead “… Walk faster, ok?”

“Aish, I’m walking fast enough;” he complained, as I tried to understand the thing that we were approaching “you were the one that told me to walk cautiously and not to rush, weren’t you?”

“Yes, but the street is in good shape, there’s no danger in hurrying up a little” it was like a big pile of something, or different things, as I could distinguish some irregularities. The fog wouldn’t let me see clearly though “You just keep your eyes on the floor and we’ll be good”

“What, do I have to watch _your_ steps too hyung?” he said with a bit of humor “Some things really don’t change, your laziness is definitely everlasting- Oh shit, that smell” he covered his nose “Stupid wind! I’m not throwing up only because I have nothing to throw up, honestly…”

I couldn’t really get what he was saying, as my attention was on something else. The wind had shifted the fog and through the thin cover left I could see what was piled on the street. Twisted, grey and some greenish, some browns and others pale as bone. Or simply bones. Sunken faces, rotten skin, broken limbs and exposed flesh. Empty sockets where eyes should be, thin hair hanging from balding heads. And all slumped in a big heap in the middle of the street.

Corpses, lots of them.

“…-yung. Hyung, what is that thing?” Sungjong sounded puzzled. I immediately covered his eyes and turned him around. “Wha-? Hyung, what are you doing?!”

“Shut up!” I hushed him, having a hard time with keeping my stomach at ease.

“What’s going on?” now he sounded nervous.

“Just move” I said as I pushed him to the side, but stopped when I noticed something else.

The corpses were brownish, surely because of the exposure to the rain, but not all of them. The ones at the top and the sides were pale, and even looked better… Well, less rotten would be more accurate. But that could only mean that those were newer, more recent…

“Hyhng-“ Sungjong was trying to pry my fingers off his face.

“Come on, we need to get out of here” I ushered him.

“But-“

“ _Now_ ”

I grabbed his arm and pulled him along; a few blocks to the side and then back to our original direction. But the moment we turned the corner, we were ambushed by yet another pile of death. This time it was black, ashes floating in the wind as it swept past the corpses, thin shapes melted into a big mass of carbonized bodies, the twisted faces exposing their jaws and teeth, the blackened bones protruding sharply from the paper thin, burnt flesh that was left. It was so close to us that the smell of burnt flesh and bones hit my nostrils like a punch in the stomach and I could _count_ the five remaining teeth in the mouth of the closest corpse. This time I wasn’t quick enough to save my dongsaeng from the view, I could hear his gasp and the strangled scream slipping between his slender fingers. 

I moved away in a second, this time just running, with Sungjong by the arm and stumbling behind me like a puppet. The next street was clear, so I turned. We couldn’t be far from the town’s edge, but I couldn’t have the kid running like mad in his state (my previous experience taught me the consequences) and the burning in my thigh and the pain in my back were catching up to me from our little sprint so I slowed down to a hurried walk. I tried to find my way back to the main street, checking a re-checking around us for any unpleasant surprise, I could feel Sungjong’s nails clawing at my arm through the layers of clothes, his breathing hard and uneven, a throaty sound here and gagging sound there.

We were walking past a big heavy door of what probably had been the back door of a store, when a muffled bang sounded from the other side. We froze in place for half a second, but when the handle moved downwards we sprinted back and into a narrow alley a few meters away. We crouched behind a dumpster and tried to be quiet as the dead. There was some rustling, some grunting, and the sound of the door being closed. Then it sounded as if something rather heavy was being dragged against the floor. In a few seconds, a figure surged from behind the wall. It was a man or a woman, I couldn’t really tell, dressed in thick clothes, head draped in a rustic turban that also covered the majority of their face and they were walking slowly backwards, pulling at something rather big. I hear Sungjong shift a bit, and I did the same, trying to see better what was it that they were carrying… Well, it was a dead body.

My eyes widened, and I knew the boy besides me saw the same I did, for he let out a tiny gasp. I covered his mouth with my palm immediately. What was going on here? Why were there so many dead people all around the town? I knew that now death was something more common that one would like to think, but even in these times, those piles of corpses were _not_ normal.

The citizen seemed to have trouble with the weight of the corpse, so they stopped a little to readjust the load in their arms. And then I could take a better look. The time I saw the first pile of death, it was too far for me to notice anything, and the second, it was all burnt to the bone (quite literally), but now I saw it. Something in this body wasn’t right. The skin was yellowish and the veins were alarmingly dark and visible in several parts. The most noticeable though, were the red, raw-looking spots that plagued all the visible flesh. A wave of rotten air hit my nostrils and I had to make a huge effort not to throw up right there.

The person finally walked past the alley and I looked back at Sungjong, who was pale and holding his mouth with both hands. I tried to convey through my eyes a clear _keep quiet_ and when he nodded, I took his arm in an attempt to stand up and leave, but just in time to hear the heavy door open and close again. We remained still. This time two people, in the same fashion as the first one, walked past us; each with a big bottle of something and a little box. They were in silence, not a word muttered, the whole place was dead quiet, even with these people around, the only sounds were the door and the corpse against the ground.

After a while of waiting to be sure no one else would come out from that door, I gathered my thoughts and made a move, which seemed to startle my dongsaeng a little. ‘ _We need to go’_ , I mouthed. He nodded and stood up. We didn’t even manage 5 meters when a clearing throat made us jump in place. I looked back and saw one of the people standing right at the entrance of the alley, looking back to the direction where they had gone before. They made a sign with their hands, like hurrying someone up, and the rustling of steps could be heard not too far away.

They didn’t seem to notice us, but they’d turn around at some point, and we were right in the middle of the tiny street, at plain sight, so we _had_ to move.

I slowly turned, and gave a tentative step. It made practically no sound, so I started my silent retreat, trying to get closer to the walls to hide in the shadows. Sungjong caught the idea and followed suit. When we reached the other side, we kind of hurried up a bit, and I ended up kicking a piece of a mudded bottle that clinked and rolled away until it hit the wall. I didn’t even look back when I started running, tugging my companion along. I did hear a voice behind us, but we lost it at the first turn we made. I ran almost blindly, hoping with all my might that my legs would led us out of this damn place, and, for once, luck seemed to favor us as we bumped into an opening a few minutes into the run, less houses and more ground visible after each block, so we continued our crazy run out the sick place.

We stopped when we couldn’t see more than the foggy outline of the town behind us. We were pretty far away, if the fact that we couldn’t see a single building around was any sign, but not extremely so, because our bodies couldn’t stand a longer sprint. We succumbed to a fit of coughs, of course, we had run more than what was safe in so little time, but we recovered with only leaking noses, dripping eyes and sore throats.

“We-“ a cough, a few breaths and a sigh, “We didn’t take anything… from that city… did we?” I asked in a breathless tone.

It took a while for Sungjong to gather the oxygen to speak.

“No” he finally breathed.

“Good”

Then I fell to the ground grunting, not able to ignore the pain anymore.

\--

It was going to rain soon, the clouds were moving too much, the air was heavier than usual, the wind carried that sulfuric scent that itched deep in your nose… Well, I did feel the almost painful itch at the back of my nostrils, but for the rest, it’s what hyung said. I trusted his sense though, and even if I didn’t I wouldn’t risk it. The thing is we were still at the same place, we had to move and find shelter before the sky started pouring over us, and there was practically nothing around us. We moved to the sides a little and tried to stretch our sight the further we could, but the sharp rise and fall of the soil surrounding us wasn’t of any help, and neither was the fact that the road was in terrible shape too, huge chunks of it gone or crumbled because of the new inclination of the land, holes and cracks here and there and blocks of rock and earth as big as ourselves lying in the way. Broken surfaces and dead trees pulled from the ground, surely result of the catastrophic push and pull of the earth and the wind, besides the far ghost of the town we left was all I could see for a good while, until a weird silhouette against the grey surface of the vast extensions of nothing caught my attention. I thought it was a formation of rocks, but I could see some funny shapes for a rock. Maybe it was a house? Perhaps a little shed property of some poor farmer that struggled with life on his own… Or the contrary, like, one of those lonely houses in the country side, with farms and several parcels of green land worked by poor farmers that struggled with life. Maybe the original occupant owned all we were watching at the moment, who knows?

“Hyung” I called, earning a hum in response “I think that thing over there could be a house of the sorts”

He limped towards me and stood by my side, narrowing his eyes in the direction I was pointing. He watched for a moment, probably trying to find the shape I was talking about.

“Yeah, it might be. It’s pretty far though”

“It’s the closest thing we have excluding that damned town back there” I reasoned.

“I know, I know. Let’s just hope it is an actual house… And that it’s steady enough to keep us safe”

“Well, we need to get closer to tell anyway” I said nodding.

I heard him sigh and then he started to walk away from the road.

We moved rather slowly, we had to be at least careful of where we stepped, and he was still limping noticeably, sighing frequently and groaning every now and then. He looked a little pale and even with our slow pace he started to fall back. I offered to help him and he accepted. Now, if _that_ wasn’t a sign that something was dead wrong with him, I don’t know what it was.

So we were walking like that, with him limping and panting and me with his arm over my shoulder and my own around his waist, when a low, heavy rumble sounded above our heads. We both looked up. The sky was dark and restless, and lazy flashes would light up randomly. I looked at him and he looked back.

“Hurry Jong, come on!” he said while pushing me forward “We are almost there”

We were. I could see the place not too far ahead, maybe what would have been two blocks or three. Now it was clear that it was a house, probably had been a family house, it seemed pretty big, a half smashed, half rotten fence still visible surrounding it at a good distance. So we fastened our steps, and I was practically dragging him behind me, because his strides were becoming more and more unsteady.

I could almost see the hinges of the fence when the first droplet reached my head. Then two, three, and I didn’t count the rest.

“Head down and keep going” I heard him say.

It wasn’t raining heavily at least, but the weather could be extremely unpredictable and violently sudden, so I couldn’t know for how long it would let us be. We walked past the rotten wood that circled the house and I subconsciously sped up, still gripping at Sunggyu’s arm. But he didn’t expect my sudden pull and stumbled to the ground. I tried to lift him up, but his leg gave out and fell again.     

“Fucking dammit!” I could hear him sputtering to the slowly soaking soil.

Before I could try to help him again, he jumped up and pushed me to keep walking. He fell again in front of the steps of the house and ended up crawling to the door. I pushed it open and helped him in.

We laid on the dusty floor for a couple of minutes, recovering from the little fright we had out there. We were still reasonably dry, so it was ok. I closed the battered door and turned to my hyung. He was still panting hard on his back, an arm thrown over his eyes and his other hand gripping tightly at the fabric of his pants.

“Hyung-“ I coughed a little “Are… Are you ok?”

He didn’t answer, the only thing I heard from him were his harsh breaths. I rushed to his side.

“What is it? What’s wrong hyung?”

He said nothing, but his hand tightened on the clothes, so I quickly pulled the torch out of mi bag and illuminated his leg. It was all bloodied and dirty, his fingers red and trembling. 

“Oh shit! Oh shit! Wait hyung, I got this!” I frantically searched though the bags for the bandages and antiseptic “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it!” I started peeling the dirty cloth off the bleeding injury, earning whimpers, grunts and a death grip on my arm in response “It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok. It’ll be quick, I’ll clean this up and you’ll sleep it better, you’ll see…“ I whipped the blood off and cleaned the wound with a copious amount of antiseptic, hearing the whimpers get louder until his voice cracked a little “No, hyung! Don’t worry, I’m almost done”

By the time I finished, I was more tired than from the race to the house, my hands were shaking and my back was tense. Sunggyu’s breathing was normalizing slowly and his body was relaxing against the wooden flood. I peeled his arm from his face and saw his pale skin, his eyes tightly shut and his nose leaking a little. I pushed his sweaty bangs out of his forehead and he opened his eyes slowly, blinking a few tears away. His face was scrunched into a scowl and his jaw still tense, but he let a long, tired sigh and turned his gaze towards me. He looked exhausted, and half dead, and the sight made my breath shake a little.

“Jong-“ his voice cracked, rough and congested. He cleared his throat and sniffled “The house… we need to check the house” He breathed out.

“Yes” I agreed. The noise we made would have alerted any possible occupant by now, and the fact that we were still alone was strong evidence that we _were_ alone, but I nodded nonetheless.

After a halfhearted search through the house I returned to his side. I saw him trying to sit up, a grimace plastered on his features. I sat behind him and pulled him down again, so he could rest his head on my lap.

“None of that now hyung” I half scolded “You’ll sleep now, and recover later, and keep recovering after that”

We had a little staring contest, until he slowly blinked and gave me a small smile that I returned.

 

 

 


	8. A pause and a long walk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Careful, this was a double post, chapter 7 and 8 were uploaded together.

 

The next morning found us in the exact same position. I could see the dense fog floating lazily outside the tarnished windows, the last droplets of acidic rain sliding down and leaving thin trails of clear glass. I knew it smelled like humidity and irritating sulfur outside, the air heavy and sticky, but we were rather comfortable inside the abandoned house, lying on the floor of the living room, and slowly waking up from a pretty decent sleep. Well, at least decent for me.

I looked down to my lap and met a pale yet relaxed face; the tired, sharp gaze was still hiding behind the dark eyelids. I reached down and brushed my fingers against the purple skin besides one of those fox-like eyes, making dark eyelashes flutter lightly. His nose scrunched minimally when I barely touched the ugly bruise on its bridge, and finally, his lips twisted half annoyed when I let my thumb press softly on its corner, where a cut was surrounded by a dark contusion. I refrained myself from laughing at his little reactions and the newly formed scowl on his forehead, he was still as grumpy as ever, even in his sleep.

With a last sigh I shook his shoulder, effectively bringing him back to reality, though faster and easier that I could have ever managed in better times. In a matter of seconds he was blinking up at me, still drowsy but alert enough.

“My legs are numb hyung, you’re damn heavy”

“Wha-“ he scowled “Well excuse me but you put me on your lap, you know”

“Yeah, ok, but it was hours ago and you seem to have made yourself pretty comfortable. The lazy side of you never left, did it hyung?”

“Hey! I was tired, ok? And it’s not my fault your legs are so skinny and weak”

“I’m not weak, you’re heavy!”

“Oh right, I can see your muscles alright” he clicked his tongue “Seriously Sungjong you need to exercise those excuses of legs you have there, they’re bony” he said as he patted my calf beside his head.

“Well, if they’re so uncomfortable you can get up now” I retorted pushing his head lightly “And I _am_ exercising for your information. What do you think all this traveling is?”

“We’re just walking, and to be honest, you’re pretty damn slow if you ask me”

“Good thing I didn’t ask then”

We kept bickering for a good while, his head never leaving my numbed lap. Maybe back in time I would be fuming by now, annoyed to no end by his unnecessary remarks, but not right now. He still teased me out of the blue sometimes, or bossed me around for no apparent reason, and we would start one of these stupid little quarrels, but I would not complain in the end. I needed these little reminders of our past lives and I think he did too, so we kept the play until we felt satisfied.

After a few minutes of useless bickering and a couple of sighs later we found ourselves watching ahead of us in complete silence. What could he be thinking about? Was he planning what to do now? Thinking back to the town we left? I was. I still didn’t understand entirely what had happened; one minute we were walking distended through the empty streets, and the next we were running away from corpses and shady people covered up to their noses. What could have happened if they saw us? What would they do? What was happening to them? To the place? Well, I couldn’t know now, and I’d rather keep the questions unsolved. Something _was_ wrong with that place, that much I could tell. So I better occupied my mind with something else, maybe trying to be useful for the lazy hyung lying comfortably on my numb legs. He didn’t get up after all, and didn’t seem to be planning to do so any time soon. Was he that tired or was it just to annoy me…?

“We are a pair of idiots, aren’t we?” I blurted out looking at him.

“Huh” He looked towards me with a raised eyebrow.

“This is a house, and in good shape too. We are tired and haven’t had a good time of rest in a while, not to mention a bed… Which I’m sure we could find in some of the rooms in this house, and still here we are, sprawled on the floor.”

“Hmm…” He seemed to ponder the situation calmly “Well, it’s kind of your fault more than mine, isn’t it? I mean I didn’t see anything more than this ceiling until now. You were the one who checked the place-“

“You’re right, you can stay here then, I’m going to put those beds in good use” I said as I stood up abruptly and left my hyung on the floor while I disappeared from his sight into a corridor.

“Hey, wait! Sungjong!” I heard him from the living room as I opened the doors in the hall “Come one, are you going to leave me here? I’m tired too, you know?”

“Yes, hyung” I answered absentmindedly as the second door finally opened to a big room with a double bed and heavy curtains covering a rather large window. I smiled to myself as I entered the room to inspect it a little, ignoring the offended complaints that kept flooding the house. I _was_ going to help him up and to the bed anyway; I just wanted to annoy him a little.

The covers of the bed looked rigid and old, and a considerable amount of dust jumped towards me when I patted it. After coughing a little and peeling off the outer cover of the big bed, I returned to the living room to fetch my abandoned hyung, but he wasn’t there anymore.

“Sunggyu-hyung?” I asked, trying not to sound too alarmed. “Hyung?”

“Jong!” I heard his voice from the hall and I hurried after the sound, only to find his head popping out from a door to the left, the pleasant surprise of a dorky smile on his face and his eyes curved in excitement “I found the bathroom!”

\--

So, it looked like the house (and its inhabitants) had been getting the water from its own water-pump, therefore it didn’t come from the acidified rivers but from the deep underground currents. We weren’t sure how affected those were by the current situation, so we tried it on our hands and checked the color and smell. And, for our joy, it looked we could actually use it on ourselves.

After a while looking for, finding and checking said pump, then fighting and losing a few marches in the quest of turning on the water-heating system and making sure it wouldn't explode on us anytime soon, and then re-checking that the water was indeed harmless, we took the chance to rinse our clothing and wash ourselves thoroughly, the old way, enjoying long times submerged into the bathtub.

It was the most relaxing thing I did in the past year or so; the complete quietness of the house, the security of the bleak countryside, the soft touch of the lukewarm water. I felt my muscles melting into the stained surface of the bathtub, my thoughts not reaching beyond my own body and my head emptying from anything else. I could only hear the sounds of my own breathing, feel the burning yet numbed pain pulsating from the slash in my thigh, see nothing but the darkness behind my eyelids-

“Hyung, you’re going to turn into a raisin”     

I gasped and slipped a little, hitting my elbow against the ceramic border and hissing from a tug in my leg. I sent a glare to Sungjong, but nothing else. It was true that I had been way too long into the water; my fingers were already wrinkled as an old man’s.  I let out a long sigh and leaned backwards again.

“I’m just trying to make the best of it while I can” I mumbled as he sat beside the bathtub, knees pulled up to hold his chin.

“Yeah, I think I lost a pound worth of dirt in the bath” he sighed contentedly and I snorted.

“Same for our clothes, the water was coming out black”

“Oh, God, don’t remind me, I spent like half an hour scrubbing that damn jacket”

“Yeah, well, what about mine?”

“Or your pants for that matter”

“Yeah, I need to find something to fix those”

“Or a new pair”

“That would do too”

We patched ourselves the best we could during our stay at the lonely house. We waited a couple of days for my leg to at least start healing properly and to be sure it wouldn’t get infected any time soon. The clothes took long in drying off, the weather was dry enough, but without sun, by the third day we still felt them kind of humid. So we indulged ourselves in solitude and safety, in a solid roof over our heads and a soft bed under our backs, in clear water and clean t-shirts and underwear, in closed windows and warm blankets.

We took the time to calm our nerves, to distend our minds and clear our thoughts. We were lying awake on the bed, covered by a couple of blankets and resting our heavy heads on a not-so-soft-but-soft-enough pillow, watching the ceiling intently, as if trying to see the hidden meaning of life among its cracks and humidity stains. I could feel the body heat coming from Sungjong beside me, his soft, tranquil breathing and the continuous rustling of his feet rubbing against the sheets.

“Hyung” His voice tangled and disentangled my musings and pulled my attention towards him.

“Hm?” I was feeling lazy even to speak.

“What do you think happened to the people that lived here?”

“Hmm…”

“I mean, the house is in pretty good shape”

“Hmhm”

“And it doesn’t seem to had gone through much, no crumbled walls, almost no shattered windows, even the pipes and the water-heating system are in one piece”

“Hm”

“And there’re no signs of a ransacking or anything like human violence… So, what happened to the people?”

I watched the dirty ceiling for a little while before answering.

“Maybe there’s was no people in the first place”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it is pretty isolated from the rest of the civilization, and it doesn’t seem to have held anyone for a long time, and I mean before all this… You know. It doesn’t look like anyone left in a rush nor moved a thing…”

“So? You think it was abandoned before all happened? Because it looked pretty well kept for being a deserted house”

“No, not abandoned, but maybe it was a vacation house of some family… Or an old couple if we take into account that it is in the middle of nowhere. It could have been a nice place even, with lots of trees and green grass, maybe animals roaming around.”

“Yeah, it makes sense I guess, maybe they were from that town back there.”

“Hmhm”

A little more silence, and then his soft voice again.

“Hyung…”

“Yeah?”

“Where are we going after this?”

I sighed. That was a little problem. When we exited the last town, we did it in such a blind hurry that I didn’t take notice from where we had come out. I was pretty sure it wasn’t the road we should have taken, but I didn’t know where exactly we were right now. I guessed we had taken a path a little to the south, but I wasn’t completely sure. The problem was that we couldn’t risk trying to go back to the planned route, because we weren’t sure where it was regarding our position. One way or another we would reach another piece of civilization further ahead that what was previously planned. I just hoped that this alternative path was passable.

“Well, we don’t have much choice, do we? We’ll have to follow this route and hope it won’t take us too far away from our plan…” I ruffled my hair angrily and hid my face into my palms “We should have taken the main road instead of this stupid deviation” I mumbled into my hands.

“Well, we found this house” I felt Sungjong tugging at my hand to uncover my face “And who knows, maybe we’re heading to the main road now and we just don’t know it yet”

I sighed again.

“Yeah, I just hope I won’t get us lost and dead”

“Relax hyung, you won’t” he said patting my arm.

We fell back into the gentle silence for a while, until his voice sounded for the third time, unsure and shy, almost lost in the quietness around us.

“Hyung…”

“Yes, Jong?”

“Do you think we’ll find them?” he turned his head over the pillow to face me, and spoke a little louder, still barely above a whisper “And I mean honestly, do you honestly think we’ll be able to find them all?”

I turned to him and we looked at each other for a slow minute, his eyes earnestly searching for something into mine, and I could see the heavy doubt shaking him inside. He wanted an honest answer and I knew it was no time for sugarcoating reality when reality itself was as bitter as it could get.

“I don’t know Jongie” I whispered back “But I have to believe we will. You have to believe it too” I said in the same low tone, reaching for his hand and prying his slender fingers from their tight grip on the blanket, “Don’t let your hopes numb your reason, but don’t ever lose sight of our purpose” I squeezed his hand “Keep your mind firm Sungjong, I can’t afford to lose you”

He opened his mouth and closed it again, and turning slowly he closed the distance between us, sinking his face into my neck and gripping the fabric of my shirt with trembling but strong fingers. He mumbled something into my shoulder, but I couldn’t distinguish the words. I held him close as we drifted to sleep.

\--

The next morning, once were ready to leave, we stood at the door half grateful and half reluctant. We knew we wouldn’t have another spark of luck like this one in a long way, if ever, but we needed to move on. We had spent long enough still in the same place, using food without moving and there was a long way ahead of us until we reached our next destination. The skies looked friendly enough for us to leave more or less reassured, and we could see the abandoned road clearly, for it was in considerably higher grounds than the house.

The first minutes walking back to the road were slow and heavy; we could feel the time on our shoulders and the comfort pulling us back. So we had to push ourselves a little harder and force our laid back legs to walk faster. We reached the neglected asphalt and immediately turned to follow our disrupted journey, trying to peel off the lingering reluctance from our backs and sinking into the impending task once again. 

In no time, we were swept back into a steady march, eyes darting occasionally to the sides and towards the sky, more to the sky than anything else, as everything around us seemed to be void of life, the scenery changing rather abruptly from the mostly deserted and broken land to a smoother but darker view. I don’t think even an hour had gone by when we started to get surrounded by yet another display of death. This time not so revolting as the first one and not so boring as the second one, but depressing nonetheless. A dead forest of the sorts spread its self around us; naked, twisted branches exposed to the dense air and the merciless rain, grey and stained bark cracking silently and falling to the barren soil. Without any leaf at sight, it all looked like a plantation of skeletons submerged into a blanket of sticky fog. To think that this had been a beautiful forest once, green and thick, presenting itself to the road’s travelers in all its fresh glory and lively grace. And now it was reduced to an army of branches buried in the ground like tombstones.

A creaking sound had me snapping my head to the side and suppressing a shiver that ran down my spine. It was probably nothing, just the wind pulling at the crooked fingers of the dead trees, but the whole place was putting me on edge. I felt slender fingers slowly curling around my arm, and after a little startled gasp, I found Sungjong stuck to my side, with his eyes dancing from side to side of the road. It’s not that we didn’t know that there wasn’t anything out there, we knew. It was all dead, empty, desolated, but we couldn’t help it. Something about the place was playing with our heads, making a tight knot out of our nerves. We picked up our pace almost without realizing, latched onto each other and with our mouths sealed like a safe. I could feel the tremors running through Sungjong’s body, and I was pretty sure he could feel my shivering every time some piece of wood cracked or a misshapen trunk melted into the fog looking too much like something else, anything else.

I couldn’t wait for this botanic graveyard to end.

That’s why when we found ourselves still in the middle of it and facing a huge ass fissure in the road, I couldn’t help but feel my soul fall to my feet.

“Well fuck”

\--

We had to walk into the mass of twisted wood to find the end of the stupid fissure. We walked as fast as we could, considering that we couldn’t see more than a few meters ahead of us because of the thick blanket of mist surrounding us, while being scratched and slapped by the bitchy claws of the trees. When the crack in the ground seemed thin enough for us to try to jump it, we stopped and took a look inside. I personally couldn’t see a shit, but maybe Sungjong could, or he had enough of our little adventure through the spooky forest because he let go of my arm (yes, we were _still_ glued to each other) and took a few steps back.

“Ok, hyung, we can do this” he mumbled.

“You sure Jong? I can’t see a thing down there…”

“But it’s really narrow, only a meter or so, we can jump it”

“Yeah… Well, whatever, I guess we wouldn’t even need to jump, I could reach the other side if I stretch enough-“

“Don’t do that!” I looked back to see Sungjong wide eyed and with his hands reaching towards me.

“It’s ok Jong, I wasn’t going to. I said I _could_ but it still gives me the creeps so I rather jump past it.”

“Aish…” he sighed lowering his arms and adding in a low tone “Stupid hyung…”

“Hey, I heard that”

We jumped the damn crack and almost flew back to the road. We even let out relieved sighs once we stepped on the asphalt again.

“Well, that was a big waste of time and energy” he said glaring back, even though the fissure wasn’t visible because of the fog and the distance we managed to advance while walking back from the deviation.

“Yeah” I sighed again “We better catch up or we’ll have to spend the night here”

“Oh, hell no” was all he said before latching onto my arm again and hurrying forward.

\--

I really wasn’t sure what was worse, being surrounded by a fogged cemetery of trees, or by _only_ fog.

In the blink of an eye we had left the forest behind, but now there was absolutely nothing around… And I mean _nothing_. I couldn’t even see a hill, a lonely tree, anything, just the dark stripe of asphalt ahead and a hint of the soil around it. Maybe there _was_ something a little further into the heavy mist, but it wasn’t all that tempting to go and explore really. I was really losing it. I didnt know where we were, I couldn't _see_ where we were-

“How much longer until the next town, hyung?” Sungjong practically whined.

“I don’t know”

A sigh.

“There should have been a town already, where _are_ we?”

“I _don’t_ _know_ ” I stressed the words a little.

“Where are we even going to? South, north, our imminent deaths-?”

“Sungjong, please, I don’t know, ok?!” I snapped turning to face him. My voice resonated around us before the mist swallowed the expression of my pent up frustration.

He let go of my arm and stomped forwards. I groaned and hurried to catch up to him.

“Don’t walk away from me” I said snatching his arm again.

“What difference does it make? We are lost anyway, aren’t we?” He spat pulling his arm out of my hold.

“Sung-“

“Are we?!”

“It doesn’t-“

“Are we lost or not?!”

“Yes, we are lost, ok! Why do you even ask if you already know the answer?!”

“Why didn’t we try to find our way back to our planned route back then?!”

“Why didn’t you say so if you wanted to?!”

“Because you wouldn’t have listened!”

“How do you know-?”

“Because you’re still stuck into your stupid leader mode! Guess what? There’s no group to lead anymore! And if-“

“Well, if you would stop acting like a childish brat maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to!”

“I’m not a brat!” He spat pushing my shoulder roughly, for which I held his wrist tightly.

“Look at yourself a second will you?!” I retorted while he struggled.

“Let go!”

“Stop acting like a stupid brat-!”

“I’m not a brat!” he raised his foot, aiming straight for a kick to my thigh “You conceited bastard!”

“YAH!” was all I managed to yell as he shot his foot to a sure hit on my injury. He stopped though, a centimeter away from my thigh. He stayed still for a second, then raised his leg a little more and pushed my hip with his boot, while snatching his wrist from my hold.

“Look what you make me do!” he yelled, his voice wavering and his eyes attached to my leg.

“Wha-?”

“You always make me _act_ like a stupid brat!” he said before crouching down and hiding his head in his arms.

“The fuck are you talking about?!”

“It’s your fault that I get like this! You always do this, you always _did_ this!” his voice sounded congested now and I could hear his sobbings in between his words.

I closed my eyes for a second and tried to calm my heavy breathing, taking a step forwards to crouch beside him.

“Sungjong-“

“I didn’t want to kick your leg” he interjected, his voice softer and his back shaking with sobs “But you make me so angry…”

“I know, Jong” I tried to soothe him while stroking his hair “You make me extremely frustrated if that helps…”

He raised his head, puffy, teary eyes trying to glare at me but failing. He sniffed loudly and reached to my leg, brushing the imprint of his boot off my hip.

“I’m sorry…” he mumbled inching forward into my space, but still unsure. I pulled him into a hug and felt him melt into it.

“It’s ok, Jongie, I’m sorry too”

We stayed like that for a while, until he mumbled into my shoulder.

“… You’re still a bastard”

“And you’re still a brat”

\--

Not long after we found ourselves standing face to face with the ruins of a town (if we could even call it that, it would be more like a bunch of blocks with some destroyed buildings). We were torn between feeling relieved, disappointed and stupid. Relieved, because now we could find something useful and maybe even locate ourselves in the map; disappointed, because the place seemed to had been through a hell of a shake and we didn’t know if there would be anything worth looking for, and stupid because less than half an hour ago we were at each other’s throats and mourning our deaths and here we were now, standing and just staring like a pair of idiots.

“Well…” I started.

“Yeah…”

“I guess we should start looking for… anything?” I said as I started walking into the broken scene, Sungjong following close behind.

“Where is this anyway?”

“I don’t know… We’ll check the map once we find somewhere to take a break”

“Ok… Maybe we could find some store to get some food and water?”

“We could”

We stayed in silence as we walked around in search of a grocery shop or something that could still hold some food or water. And, believe it or not, we found it; a shattered little store, with the entrance blocked by a crushed wall and a huge hole beside it. We had a hard time turning a refrigerator that had fallen to the ground but it was worth the effort, because there was a full plastic pack of bottled mineral water inside. Of course we couldn’t take all of it, but we filled our bags with as much as we could take without overloading ourselves.

We sat on the counter and I pulled out the huge map to try to understand where the hell this was. In the end, and not before a deep staring session with the big old piece of laminated paper, mumbled theories and frustrated groans, we found ourselves right below the place we should have been. This happened to be the northern part of a town, so we could keep going to the east, if we managed find the next road. It wasn’t far, so we decided to take the chance. It’d be a little walk in the wild and then back to the asphalted lane… In theory.

We hurried as much as we could, for we had to reach the next remains of civilization before night would fall over our heads if possible.

 


	9. A missing piece

The “walk 2km in the wild and until you find the new road” part of the plan wasn’t that clear after all, mainly because the road _wasn’t there_ anymore. We panicked a little when we didn’t seem to find the route. Not sure if we had walked past it or didn’t even reach it yet, we tried to find the slightest hint of it all around us while trying not to go too far away. Luck seemed to be on our side yet again, as soon enough a patch of broken grey caught our attention and we practically jumped towards it. So, the lane was practically buried and kind of hard to follow at first, but then it surfaced again, cracked and barren, but clear enough for us to _hurry the hell up_ to the next stop.

We almost jumped in relief when the sight of broken buildings rose from the bleak horizon ahead of us. The sky was getting darker with each step we took, and the air was growing colder in every breath we swallowed. A kilometer away from the first remaining of civilization, we were already huffing pale puffs of air between our chattering teeth, our feet quick but rigid and our bodies glued to each other and linked by our intertwined arms.  We could only see the silhouettes of the city and soon we wouldn’t be able to see a single thing.

“We did it, we did it, we did it” I could hear Sungjong softly chanting right to my ear, mingling with the sound of our trembling breathing and rushed strides. He even had a happy bounce in his walk and a hinted melody to his little mantra. I raised my hand to rigidly ruffle his hair while coughing a dry chuckle… Only to stop when a new silhouette surged from behind a little stall among the scattered buildings that had been welcoming us to the town. A person, alright, could be good, could be bad, could be neither. I was only suspicious and a little alert, but even my tiniest hope got stuck in my throat when I saw the outline of a rifle emerge from their side.

I felt my legs shake a little and my arm automatically smashed Sungjong against my side, earning a few confused sounds or words maybe. I kept my eyes trained to the person ahead, I didn’t know if they could see us, we weren’t too close, but close enough to distinguish the shape of a human being clearly. The darkness of the night would have played to our side, if only they hadn’t pulled out the massive torch from who knows where and blinded us with it. So we were caught, like deer in the headlights.

“Hyung! There’s someone there!” Sungjong enthusiastically whispered into my ear and I had to hold in the _no shit Sherlock_ that urged to jump from my mouth. I had more urgent matters to handle at the moment, like the suspicious armed figure that was slowly approaching us.

“Step behind me Sungjong” I said as I pushed him back.

“What? Why? What’s wrong? Is it an outlaw? Are there more?” he breathed out in a second.

“Just stay back, if anything, you run to the sides and enter the town from the flanks, alright?”

“But-“

“Do as I say, _alright_?”

“What the…? Alright, but-“

“Hey!” The stranger, a man, called to us.

I stood in front of Sungjong to completely block him from the sight of whoever it was ahead of us. I could hear him let out a frustrated and at the same time nervous sigh, one of his hands clenching to the back of my jacket.

 “Hey! You there!” the guy insisted, his gun pointing at us, to what I raised my hands slowly.

“I’m not armed, could you please put that down?” I asked loud enough for him to hear me. I heard Sungjong mutter a ‘ _what’_ into my neck and felt him peeking from behind my head. A tiny gasp later, he was ducking his head behind my shoulders.

“I’ll believe you when I see you! Come closer, and keep'yer hands up” he shouted back.

“Could you at least stop blinding me with the light?” I spat. The light subdued as he placed it on the ground, pointing to the side “Come on Jong, stay behind me”

We walked slowly towards the man, trying to get a clear look at the place and the guy in front of us. There didn’t seem to be anyone else around, so that was good. What put me a little on edge was the fact that this man seemed to be prepared for a war. There were belts with ammunition hanging from his shoulders, at least three knives perched on different places over his clothes and a handgun on his belt besides the rifle in his hands. He was like a scrawny Rambo.

“Well there” he started, standing the weapon on the ground “Yo’re jast a boy” he smiled, to what I only retorted with a grunt “Or that be’ind ya…” Sungjong peeked over my shoulder again and the man immediately noticed him “Oh, right, two ‘f you then. T’s ok, no need t’ hide yor girl-“

“What?!” Sungjong jumped from behind me, standing as tall as he could and sporting a deep scowl.

To Sungjong’s horror, it took a total of _three seconds_ for the man to widen his eyes and let out a breathy ‘ _ohh’_.

“Two boys then, sorry” he grinned. He looked pretty distended for a guy that half a minute ago had us at the point of a rifle “So, kids, what'ya doin’ ‘round ‘ere?” He asked, accentuating his phrase in a weird way, if the slaughtering of words wasn’t enough.

“We’re travelling” I retorted curtly, trying to keep his suddenly friendly manner at bay. Something in this man didn’t sit well with me.

“Ah, travellin’, I see… Where to, if I may ask?” he casually supported his weight on his rifle.

‘Y _ou may not_ ’ was itching at the tip of my tongue, but the knives and weapons scattered all over the guy convinced me to try diplomacy instead.

“We’re looking for a place to stay the night for the time being” I tried my best at softening my tone, in hopes to gain a little of his sympathy.

“Right, right, tha night’s fallin’ already, isni’t?” he commented as if it was a warm, summer night at the countryside and not a pitch black, frozen hole engulfing the ruins of a city “And wher’re yo two commin’ from?”

“We come from the west side” I stated vaguely.

“Tha west, awright” he said, his voice slighty lower and his eyes suddenly sharp, “From where exactly?”

“Gwanju” Sungjong popped out for some reason.

I saw the eyes of the man jumping all over us at the speed of light “Gwanju, I see” he muttered looking straight to my dongasen’s eyes. I could feel Sungjong’s hand slowly reaching for the hem of my sleeve “You ‘ad to cross half th'country, didn’t ya?”

“Yeah” He answered with a layer of insecurity damping his voice.

“Thoug’ trip, righ’? Tha long road goes t’the south and is full’a big bad guys, huh” he commented, his eyes still earnestly a fixed on my dongsaeng in a way that unsettled me.

“Um… I guess, we… we didn’t take that way though” Sungjong replied, slightly looking towards me. But my eyes were stuck to the man in front of us. I didn’t like him, and his reaction to the last sentence put me on alert. I saw his hands tighten on his rifle and his back tense a little. He seemed to be extremely interested in what Sungjong was saying and directed all his attention to him, not even sparing a glance to me.

“Oh, took a shortcut then?”

“Yeah, kind of”

“So you’ad t’cross a few towns, am I righ’? Pretty shady ones” he was almost leaning forward by now, and I thought I _knew_ what was going on. But if it were the case, then I had to stop Sungjong from-

“We had, and yes, the first place-“

“Yeah, we had to avoid the first town, actually” I interrupted him. Both of them turned to look at me, and I took the chance to slightly squeeze the kid’s hand in some sort of _follow me_ signal that I hoped he understood.

“That so?” the man asked eyeing me carefully as I tried to keep myself as composed as I could.

“Yeah, we heard some rumors that gave us a really bad feeling, so we preferred to avoid the place” I saw Sungjong nodding beside me and mentally thanked that he was so perceptive.

“Rumors? ‘Bout what?”

“I don’t know, we only heard bits of a conversation,” I tried to justify any possible mistake “but they were saying that there was something weird going on there, and that people were disappearing, so we opted for not taking any risk. You would understand that we’re in a rather compromised position and we can’t afford any crazy adventure, right?”

“Yeah, I can tell, but where did’ya go then?”

“Well, we went through the town to the south-“

“Oh, yes, tha’one, that’s a safe place t’go” he nodded lightly, and I wasn’t sure what kind of answer he expected, so I tried to maneuver my talk around any treacherous information.

“Well, I don’t know how bad the other town was, but this one looked desolated too, at least the little we could see. Nothing weird happened while we crossed it, but we couldn’t make much of it either” I shrugged, feeling my throat a little dry from so much nervous talking, my hands clammy and freezing.

The man nodded again, his eyes darting to our necks and hands again. I knew he was looking for any sign of a lie outside my words, so I tried to keep calm. I just waited, inwardly praying for him to believe me and hoping I didn’t make any crucial slip.

He finally sighed “Alright then boys” he straightened his posture, hands slackening around the gun “I guess you’re good t’go” he stretched his back.

“Excuse me?” I feigned confusion, blinking at him.

“Ah, y’know, those rumors you heard were true”

“Really?” Sungjong piped out, true curiosity pushing him forward.

“That town’s sick boys, awfully sick” he shook his head “People rot alive”

“What?” the kid’s voice sounded a little disgusted by now.

“You ever hear’of _lepra_?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, somethin’ similar goin’ on there” he shrugged “Really contagious shit. Thas why…” he raised the gun a little “we need’ta keep our eyes open for any runaway”

Sungjong’s hand squeezed my own and I felt a shiver run down my spine.

“T-that bad?” my dongsaeng asked in a tiny voice.

“Ye boy, that bad. But don’ worry, this place’s clean an’ so are you, so c’mon, you can go in and find yourselves a place to sleep your trip off” he smiled, “There’s a settlemen’ ten blocks in if y’keep stight. Tell them Youngjin sent you clean from th’sixth entrance and they’ll let’ya in. Only a lil’ checking maybe” he laughed airily.

“Ok, then. Thanks for… the information” I bowed slightly and made to walk past him.

“Oh wait,” he stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. I tensed, my legs ready to jump away “you didn’t tell me where you goin’ from’ere”

“Oh?” I blinked relieved.

“Maybe I could help ya with’a trip. You kno’, some advice from someone who knows aroun’?” he shrugged, the added in a rather proud tone “Here in Gyeongnam we’re tryin’ to keep communicated, you kno’? We have people goin’ back and forth from a city to another, bringin’ supplies, water from th’ocean and news from wherever it happens. So it might be of help to ya”

I nodded slowly, pondering how useful could it actually be and if it was worth the try. I didn’t trust the guy’s mental state too much, what if he sent us to the other side of the province or…? Or what if all the people here were like him? I didn’t-

“We’re going to Busan now” Sungjong suddenly offered from my side.

There was a few lonely seconds of expectation in the man’s (Youngjin apparently) eyes, and when nothing else was added for him, his expression scrunched a little. He looked between us a few times and then spoke “Busan?” he scoffed softly and shook his head.

I felt my back straighten again and my chest a little tight.

“Yes, Busan, why?” I said curtly.

“Boy,” he looked at me straight “there’s no Busan anymore”

Silence drowned us for a few seconds. I kept my eyes fixed on the man, and he looked at both of us as if he just commented on the weather.

“Wait…” he finally said, widening his eyes a little bit “You lookin’ for somethin’ there?”

“Yeah” I said, not able to raise my voice over a breathy whisper, and I could feel my heart beating in anticipation “Someone... ”

The man sighed again, this time slower and heavier. I didn’t like that.

“Look, boy, you’re wastin’ yer time, there’s nothing left there”

A little gasp sounded from my side as I felt my blood run dense through my veins.

“What-“ I had to clear my throat “What do you mean?”

“Nothing left from Busan, kid, it’s been whipped off”

The words felt like a slap to the face, and I found myself breathing hard and shakily. I had to swallow a few times before I could open my mouth again, and even then, my voice came out shaky and urging “What are you saying, what happened?”

“Th’ocean swallowed it. One of the first things t’happen, I’m surprised you didn’ know. Most of it’s still under water, the little rest totally dev’stated. I’m tellin’ya kid, nothin’ to look for there”

“No, wait” Sungjong’s strained voice sounded near me “We should look around then… The near places, maybe he moved to-“

“I told ya, it was one of the very first disasters. Sudden ‘n unexpected, no one made it out for sure. They were watching TV and the next second” he snapped his fingers “restin’ with the fishes. If whoever you lookin’ for was there, then you shoul’ stop lookin’”

I had to contain myself from jumping to the man and beat his face in that exact moment. I tried to take as much air as I could because I felt that I was choking on my own tension. Sungjong was latching to my arm mumbling something I couldn’t for the life in me understand.

“’m sorry boy, I’m jus’tryin’ to make it easier for y-“

“Just-!“ I spat, almost yelling “Just stop talking” I pushed the words through my clenched teeth.

I grabbed Sungjong’s arm tightly, maybe a little too much, but my whole body was fighting between tension and weakness, my legs wobbling and my hands shaking with force. I started walking away, my steps rigid and reluctant, my mind was so fogged that I didn’t know where we were heading. I tuned out any sound, I forgot the man and his rifle, forgot the night and its coldness, forgot the darkness and just walked away.

\--

I tried. I really tried not to break down right there. _We don’t know_ was repeating in my head like a broken record. _We don’t know yet, we don’t know_. No, we didn’t, but I could stop myself from imagining the worst. I didn’t want to believe it, that man was weird, he wasn’t right in the head, he could have lied to us, he could have made it all up, but why would he? I didn’t know, but he damn could have!  He did, he surely did. It wasn’t true…

I didn’t realize that I was crying until I felt my hyung hugging me from the side, his rough thumb wiping away the messy tears that ran down my face. But the feeling of his warm body holding me only made me lose the little restraint I had left, and started wailing like a kid.

“Don’t, Jongie” he said as he held me tighter, and I swear I heard his voice crack at the end “We don’t know yet”

Yes, we didn’t know yet.

\--

The dark walls greeted me once again. I blinked a couple of times to get rid of the blur in my vision. Moving to the side, I could feel something holding me in place, and the warmth I was lying on shifted slightly.

“Sleep Jong” a deep voice resonated under my ears. I looked up and met Sunggyu’s blank face, not looking at me, not looking at anything.

“I’m trying” I croaked out, my voice thick with slumber.

“Uncomfortable?” the question was barely there, the flatness of his voice killing any color in his words. He shifted again, slowly letting go of me and moving to the side, and I felt cold all over me.

“No, wait, it’s ok. It’ll be worse… Don’t…” I mumbled, not really knowing what I wanted to say, but snuggling my way back into his hold.

He sighed heavily and wrapped his arms around me again, adjusting the blanket over us. I felt his breath ruffling the hair at the top of my head, his heartbeat softly thumping in my ear, and his chest gently moving against my face. I felt comfortable, warm and safe. I knew I would fall asleep in no time, but I would surely wake up not long after. I had been doing so for the last hours.

I was tired. I was tired of walking, tired of fearing, tired of crying. My face was sticky and irritated from the salty tears, my voice a little hoarse and my mood on the floor. I couldn’t find any willpower to get up from my hyung’s embrace, I suddenly felt extremely needy of comfort, giving in to my most childish but silent urges. And he didn’t complain. Not a word, not a face, not a push. But I think that was because he just couldn’t.

I was tired, but he looked completely defeated. His face was dark and emotionless, his voice didn’t hold anything besides hollow words, and his body wouldn’t move if it weren’t for me. He kept looking at nothing at all; his eyes were lost in a world that I couldn’t see. And I didn’t want to see, because, even if his face was blank, his eyes told too much. They were drowning in retained tears, cold and warm at the same time. Every blink, slow and deliberate, would let me see a glimpse of the fight between resignation and denial that was crashing inside him. And when it was too much for him to hold on, he simply sighed, long, heavy and tragic, before swallowing everything else and going back to staring into nothing and drown in his own musings.

I know what he was thinking so much about. He was trying to decide what to do now. He was trying to pick between the pull of his emotions and his reason. Trying to choose between a chance and a hope. And the battle was tearing his mind apart. He would feel that he failed no matter what he would choose. I knew. I knew him enough to know. He would fail me, and he would fail _him_. He had already failed him. I felt it in his trembling hands, I saw it in his captive tears, I heard it in his bitter sighs. I could almost hear his heart twisting with guilt, and I was waiting until I was a little over it to try and push him up, to make him understand that he hadn’t. But I needed a little more time, because I still broke into a shaky cry at the mere thought.

Like right then, I was crying again, hiding my red face in Sunggyu’s chest, letting him stroke my hair while looking at the dark walls.

\--

_“I’m afraid he didn’t boys” the woman had said with a sad face “There really is nothing left of it”_

Three people had confirmed it besides the first guy. Three times my chest had choked the air out of my lungs, each tighter than the last. He wasn’t lying after all.

We were lying on an old mattress, in what had been a little house. My back resting against both our bags, the weight of Sungjong over me, his thin arms tightly wrapped around me. He was crying. Again. And I could do nothing but to stroke his hair. What more could I do?

What could I do? What should I do? What did I want to do? What…?

What did I want to do? I desperately wanted to go and see with my own eyes that there was really no hope. I wanted to search in every building, behind every door, under every rock, until there was really no place left. I wanted to check every town around, ask every single living person. I wanted all of this to be a huge lie. I wanted to find him.

What could I do? I could still go, I could try to look for him in the remains of the city, I could go and search through the near places. I could. I could also let go, but I didn’t _want_ that.

What should I do? I should travel north. I should take the chance to travel with more people, take the chance to have Sungjong safe and move fast to our next destination. I should move forward. But I just couldn’t yet.

I had to let go of the air that was stuck in my throat, a long sigh out of my mouth.

I didn’t know how much was worth to fill my head with hopes. For what I had heard, not much. But I just couldn’t let go of it yet. The last remains of my own wishes were nesting in my chest in the form of some foolish hopes, and it was buried so deep that I couldn’t reach to crush it. I didn’t really want to. But I should… Should I?

I tried to swallow the bitter knot that was strangling me, but it was still there. I felt my eyes burning cold, but I held tight. Sungjong had cried enough for the both of us, and I needed to stay firm for him. If I crumbled down, where would he hold on to? I knew he wasn’t a little boy, I knew he could be strong, but not right now. Not yet.

My mind was going back and forth, south and north. It was trying to rationalize everything into possibilities, to put everything in days, hours, temperatures and rations, to measure anything with risks and safety, to not feel anything beyond the humming tension of crafting a plan. Practical thinking; distracting myself with dull calculations and speculation so I wouldn’t _notice_ when I finally took the decision that implied _moving forward_.

The hours kept passing by, nothing but the ticking of a nonexistent clock. I had turned the oil lamp off a while ago, when Sungjong had finally fallen asleep. For good. The deep darkness around us, unmoving and cold, limited my thoughts to the same wrestling that had been going on in my head since we stepped into the room. I was growing sick of it already, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish it.

There was no point in going to Busan. I knew that much. As much as I wanted to go and satisfy my own need, there was nothing there, just water and desolated ruins, nothing more. Searching the surroundings would be _extremely_ time consuming, I knew that too, and I also knew that it would be probably fruitless, but that little parasite of hope residing deep between my ribs refused to give in…

_No, no, that’s not it. It’s not convenient, that’s it._

Right. Truth is, we couldn’t afford such a delay right now, the most we traveled, the more our supplies thinned, and the more possibilities to be caught in something unpleasant. On the other hand, there was this little group heading north the following morning, and we had the chance to join them. Maybe we would be a little slower, but not much so, as they were only four and fairly young. The safety that the group would provide us with and the fact that they knew their way exceeded that little inconvenient. So we had all the green lights pointing to a single way, and one stubborn sickly glow luring us away. A deceiving little glimpse of something that was 90% hope, 10% chance. Or even less…

_Just drop it! It’s a waste of time and energy; we have a good chance of moving safely north…_

I was growing stressed, lying motionless on the humid mattress, my eyes fixed onto nothing, not a sound around, and I was screeching my teeth in frustration, my breathing starting to get worked up, my nails sinking into my palms. I was tired of so much thinking, so much going on and on, avoiding that single thing, but still orbiting around it. I was starting to hate myself. I was stuck, I couldn’t move on, I couldn’t let go, why was I trying to? How could I just push it away?

_It’s what’s best. We can’t do it right now, it’s not like we’re giving up. It’ll all be still there when we come back… We will come back, it’s not like we’re abandoning… I mean there’s nothing to… We just don’t know yet! We don’t…!_

There was a little crack on the cold layer of that I spread over my mind, the patches of practical thinking that attempted to cover reality started to shake, and the tightness in my chest came back.

It was all me and my stubborn hope in the end, wasn’t it? It was all my own denial over my failure. I couldn’t let go of it. I couldn’t let go of the idea of going back to how it was. I couldn’t let go of the silly dream of fixing everything. I couldn’t let go of _him_. And the truth was that maybe he had let go of us long ago.

The cold layer split in half, and I felt the knot in my throat crawling up.

It had been a year, I think more. A year since this happened. From the first moment, from the very beginning… I had been holding onto the idea of something that _wasn’t possible_ for more than a year. And I knew, back then and still now, what the chances were. I knew this could happen, I knew that we might lose a part of us. But the fact that it really happened was completely different. Accepting a possibility was nothing like accepting the fact.

The cold layer crumbled down, and I was again drowning.

That was the moment that my heart chose to throw its last attempt of saving that little bundle of hope. Why was I doing this to myself? Was I trying to convince myself of anything? Was I trying to punish myself for everything?

I had to accept a fact that my heart still denied. My mind kept screaming at it to let go, but it still refused. I could feel his death grip on that little hope inside of me, it wouldn’t let go, because it was the only place where he was still alive. And I had to crush it. I had to turn off that little glow, that tiny light that showed me glimpses of tanned skin and sharp canines, of a cute nose and thick brows. The last bark of his awkward laugh shook the dampened silence.

The moment I buried the glimpse in my chest, the memory of his warm eyes said goodbye to me, and I finally let my silent tears go. The guilt of things I didn’t even comprehend squished my insides and his name in my own strangled voice finished breaking me down.

“I’m sorry, Howon”

 


	10. Pursuing the chance

Everything was cold, dark, silent and grey. Everything was normal. The grim faces that greeted us that morning held a mixture of resignation and determination. The four people that we were going to accompany were already set to go the moment we came out the little shattered house. I felt somehow out of place, like we were intruding. We probably weren’t, but we were.

The remains of the past night and early morning were still visible in our faces, even if I couldn’t see my own, I felt it. I hadn’t had any sleep, not a single minute, not even a long blink, a taste of unconsciousness, the tricky state of mind that pushed time forward and thoughts back. Nothing. The whole night passed slow and painful, cold and hard, cruel and unforgiving. Every thought that stepped into my head left an ugly imprint of permanence, of undeniable responsibility and approaching consequences. Every little decision and consideration took an eternity of musings and denial and weighed a ton in guilt. I had forced my way to a decision I still wasn’t sure was the right one. But I kept on pushing forward. I felt more tired than what I had felt in a long time, my head was numb, my reactions slow and my reasoning enveloped in the hangover of last night’s havoc. How I wished I could fix it, everything, anything at all.

Yet another sigh out of my mouth.

“Hyung” the soft voice of my dongsaeng called me back from the dark place my mind had created for my consciousness to reside. I blinked up to him “We need to get going”

I simply nodded and approached the group of people that were gathering around a cart with a few containers and a couple of heavy-looking bags. They were carrying water from the ocean, as far as I knew. That was what we were going to be delivering to the next city to the north.

When I got closer I caught pieces of a conversation that seemed to be some sort of check up on their belongings. It sounded like a monotone routine of one-sided reviewing. The man, around his forties, was speaking in a bored, deep voice, counting the containers and commenting aloud the state of the little cart, naming the other three soon-to-be travelers in what seemed to be a halfhearted roll, and, finally, going over a very quick description of the itinerary. When he finished, he looked up to look at us. At me, more precisely. I wasn’t sure if he was expecting any sign of acknowledgment from my part, maybe a greeting, a thanks, an introduction. I don’t know, but I couldn’t muster the will power to even make a face, so I simply looked back, my face cold and hard as a piece of stone.

“You the kid that’s going to join us?” he asked rather aggressively.

I took a second to let my brain make a connection with the muscles of my neck, and then forced it to make my head nod slowly. Once, twice, a blink. That was it.

“Well” he scoffed “Some company we have. I’ve been told I was going to get extra help from some wanderers that headed north, so that’s what I’m expecting, got it?”

Help? What help could they need? Four men for a single cart and a few bags carrying water. Well, whatever, I couldn’t bring myself to care enough, so I nodded again. And the man scoffed again. Yes, this seemed promising already.

“Ok, no point trying to communicate with you it seems” he threw a quick look all over me and turned to Sungjong “What about you boy? Can you at least talk? What can you do?”

Sungjong looked up from his shoes, eyes tired but big and unsure, before turning towards me.

“W-What can I do? I don- What does that mean?” his voice, shaky and rough, was barely more than a whisper.

I shrugged, so he looked back at the man as if that would have been his answer. The guy was looking between us with his eyebrows scrunched half in confusion and half in apparent irritation, his mouth slightly agape. A second later, he closed his eyes and groaned.

“Good lord, so we have to carry with us a walking corpse and his child. Just great” he turned to the rest of them and kept mumbling and grunting as he adjusted the straps that held the water containers in place.

While I sluggishly arranged everything in our bags and got ready for the trip, I could feel how the other three guys kept stealing glances at us; not very welcoming ones if I must add. But, yet again, I couldn’t find it in me to care enough to do anything about it. Sungjong, on the other hand, seemed a little more affected by it, because he kept clinging to my sleeve, subtly hiding himself behind me from time to time or even trying to make me talk to him, unimportant comments mumbled a centimeter away from my face.

He wouldn’t look at me in the eyes though.

“We’re about to go, you two!” The voice of the man that seemed to be in charge called us from a few meters away.

I adjusted my clothes and the bag in my back and then did the same with Sungjong’s, as the he wouldn’t do much about it himself. With a final tug on his jacket, I softly pushed him towards the group of men, but when I was about to turn, his slim fingers caught a loose strap of my bag.

“Hyung…” was all his voice, completely drowned in insecurity, managed to say before he bit his lips furiously, the skin in his knuckles turning white for the increasing strength of his hold.

I swallowed hard and clenched my teeth, my own hand catching his wrist with more force that I would have intended in any other occasion. But I needed to make him feel determination in any possible way, even if it was by crushing his thin hand in mine. He still wouldn’t look at me, so I pulled him closer and gathered all my willpower to open my mouth and speak.

“Jong, we can’t” I heard my voice as if it were a stranger’s. It sounded congested and hard, harsh in a forced way.

His slender fingers trembled a little in my hold, and I couldn’t help but to see him more fragile than ever, so I gripped harder.

“Jong” my voice got caught, half of it between my clenched teeth, the rest of it still attached to my throat. I exhaled loudly through my nose, eyes closed in a futile attempt of calming myself. I knew what this was. He was still struggling with his own conscience, feeling guilty for this coldhearted betrayal of ours, for choosing the chance against the hope. He had chosen to follow my awful decision, to walk behind me and go on with this selfish attempt to move on without looking back.

I started walking, a fake hurry to catch up to the group that had moved a block ahead of us, pulling my dongsaeng along. His halfhearted attempts to free himself from my hold were not enough for me to falter in the slightest. This was what we needed to do, this was what I needed to make Sungjong do, to lift that heavy burden of guilt from his thin shoulders. He couldn’t force himself to do what I had without this indecisive struggle. He accepted to move forward, but only under the pressure of my push. And it was a condition, not an imposition. He wouldn’t move if not for my pushing him to do it. He couldn’t act the way I did by his own determination, so I had to force him to do so. I could be a coldhearted bastard, I knew, he knew, all of them knew, I’m sure. So I took the role for myself only and let him take refuge in the consolation of having a hand guiding him towards this and letting his conscience free of a burdening factor that would only lock his legs to the ground.

So, like that, hiding in the roles that kept us on the run, we stumbled towards the edge of the town with the ghost of the sun creeping just above the horizon.

\--

I felt like a child, like an immature little brat unable to hold his own against his surroundings without the help of his mum… Or should it be his dad in this case? An older brother would be more accurate.

I let my feet stumble behind my hyung’s, letting myself be carried away, hiding behind the decision of that who had been guiding me so far in a poor excuse to save myself from my own hate. But he wouldn’t let go. He wouldn’t call on me.

Was it his habit of taking the lead? The induced need to care for me, for all of us? The rediscovered instinct of pulling from the hands of those behind him, pushing at the backs of those in front? Was it just a different side of the same responsibility that had been tattooed on his brain when the name of the leader had been imprinted in his tag? Maybe it was so, and maybe it was my own acquired habit of needing him to act the part, of needing him pushing me, scolding me, making me feel my own role. I was the maknae, his dongsaeng, and he wouldn’t let that slip from my perception any time soon. I was certainly glad for that. Because I was damn sure I needed him to be my hyung, my leader, maybe now more than ever. And who knows later on?   

The trip would be to the next town to the north, carrying water from the ocean in several containers placed in the patched up cart and in the reinforced bags. We had been walking for an hour or so, the pace we had set was steady, but rather slow in comparison with the day before. Well, anything would be slow compared to the frantic walking we had done then.

There were two guys leading the cart, other two carrying the heavy bags, and there was us. We were at the back, keeping our distance from the rest of the little group. I don’t know why, but my hyung didn’t seem too preoccupied with making any attempt of socializing, not even with me. He just walked, his sight focused on the way ahead, his steps firm and steady, his mouth sealed and his back stiff. I could only guess what was going in his head, but I bet I could guess right. I felt the need to pull him from his thoughts, to distract him, and I wanted to distract myself too, but I knew he wouldn’t appreciate that.

“Hey you!” the man in charge called back to us “Time to be useful for a change”

The rest halted, the two guys with the bags stretching their backs and rolling their shoulders with low groans. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, but Sunggyu took a few steps forward and approached them. One of the guys took the heavy bag from his back and set it on the ground, while my hyung moved his own backpack to his front and adjusted the straps tighter. He then lifted the guy’s bag from the ground and placed it on his back, readjusting the straps with firm and secure movements. I could only watch, half surprised and half worried, as his face scrunched a little when he flexed his legs to prove the new weight.

“Alright” the older man said while nodding a little “At least you have some initiative” He then looked at me and opened his mouth to speak, but Sunggyu beat him to it.

“No, he won’t” he said curtly, eyes on the man.

They stared at each other for a little while, and then nodded, first the guy, then my hyung. We resumed the walk without another word, while I myself hurried up a little to catch up with Sunggyu and pulling at his sleeve lightly. He didn’t acknowledge me though.

“Hyung, I can carry one of those. Wasn’t it the deal? That we’d help them out?” I whispered to him. It’s not like I wanted to, those bags looked damn heavy, but I didn’t want to be useless either.

“You don’t need to, I’ll help them” he replied in a low tone.

“Why? It’s ok, I can do it-“

“You don’t need to, Jong” he said in a softer tone, and I felt his hand rub my back.

“Hyung…” I protested halfheartedly, not knowing what I wanted myself. I wanted to help, I wanted to feel useful, I didn’t want the other men to think I was a burden or a slacker, but I didn’t want to slow them because the weight was too much for me, or falling or dropping the load and risk losing anything.

I didn’t know what to feel about it really. I didn’t know what to feel about a lot of things recently. I didn’t know what to feel about not helping, about Sunggyu keeping me out of the deal, about this trip, about this people, about our route after this, about what was coming, about what we were leaving behind. I was honestly confused. But amidst all those indecisions, I still had the trust and determination to follow my hyung. Yes, there was again me hiding from responsibilities. I should have felt really bad about it, and I did. I felt guilty and a little helpless, but the uncertainty of all around me kind of drowned the whining of self loathing in my head.

\--

The scenery was pretty boring and depressing, to make matters worse. I was having enough trouble keeping my mind from wandering to places I knew were like a swamp for my willpower. The barren road, the deserted fields, the bent metal, the crushed walls, and the fact that even those were scarce didn’t provide me with much distraction. The only thing that kept my mind attached to the half dead reality we were walking on was the sharp and cold wind that had picked up not long ago, the hollow sound flooding our ears to the point of making us half scream for our voices to be heard a few meters away. But it wasn’t enough for me to escape the tricky corners of my musings, so I had to deal with it in some other way. Like, planning beforehand what we were going to do once we arrived to our destination.

I knew these people wouldn’t go past the first city, so we were going to be alone again. And, boy, we had a freaking long way ahead of us until we reached our next destination.

A little sense of dread settled in my stomach at that thought. Not the long journey, not the days we could spend walking, not the many dangers we could face, no, what made me anxious now was our destination. After the heart crushing disappointment… After the past day, what had been the shadow of a fear in the back of my head had turned into a knot of apprehension squeezing my insides and shaking my breath. It was one of those places my mind shouldn’t wander around.

“Hey boy!” I heard the older guy calling me from the front of the group, his deep voice mingled with the constant pull of the moving air “Come’ere!”  He waved his hand to urge me forward.

I hurried my steps a little to catch up to him, and I could see Sungjong doing the same behind me, but the guy sent him a warning look and he faltered a little. I felt the itch at my tongue to spat at the man, but I only turned to my dongsaeng and patted his head lightly.

“It’s ok Jong, I’ll be just a few meters ahead. I’ll be back soon” I reassured him. I know it must have sounded stupid and maybe a little self-conceited from me, but I also knew damn well that Sungjong wasn’t following me because he thought the call was for him too. He had been following me around like a little duckling to his mom since last night. I didn’t complain though, actually I was damn thankful that he still wanted to be around me so willingly. So I ignored the curious glances and arched eyebrows from the others and moved forward.   

The man threw a last glance towards Sungjong once I reached him “That kid is really attached to you isn’t he?” he asked signaling back with a thumb.

I only nodded in response, though I didn’t know if “attached” was the right word.

“Right, you were the walking corpse” he sighed rolling his eyes slightly. I didn’t find the gesture rude or annoying though. Something in this man was pulling at a cord deep inside me and I wasn’t sure what effect it had, but I found myself letting some attitudes go past when it’d usually make me snap in a blink. So I only sighed in acknowledgment.

He looked at me from the side and then shook his head slowly “I’ve been told you are in some sort of journey” he attempted.

I hummed in affirmation.

“You two only?”

Another wordless answer, accompanied only by a little shrug of my shoulders. The man made a gesture, quick and seemingly annoyed.

“Look, I don’t know how you managed so far but you won’t make it out of the province like this” he grunted, to what I straightened my neck with an affronted frown and a protest ready to leave my mouth, but he didn’t let me “I heard you come from the west side of the country” he continued in a more friendly note. I turned my head a little, still not looking fully at him, and nodded. “Where from, if I may ask?”

The question clicked a recent memory, from the night we reached the last town. The crazy guy at the entrance, my urge to smack him and choke him latter, the need to run away from him and his idiotic babbling that managed to shatter a big part of the layer of strength I had built in the past year. He had asked the very same question, but for some reason got a different response. I still couldn’t understand why exactly, but there was a tiny little tug in the corner of my mind that encouraged me to answer properly this time.

I shook my head and cleared my throat before attempting to speak “We...” I rasped, still untangling the last portion of my indecision “Actually I come from North Jeolla, but Sungjong,” I barely turned my chin towards my donsaeng, the man following my gaze discretely “he comes from Gwanju.”

The man nodded solemnly with a twist of his mouth, as if congratulating himself for the little success in making me talk.

“Well, that’s a considerably long walk you did.” he commented with another glance back “How was it? You just bumped into him and took him along? Or do you know each other from before? Because you look pretty close.”

“Yeah, we are.” I took a moment to see if I would stop talking, but the little tug was still there. Maybe I had to accept that I actually _wanted_ to talk to this man, whether I knew why or not “We were… good friends before all this” I motioned to all around us “happened.”   

“Good friends?” he repeated, a little pinch of something in the question, a loose end hanging from the corner of his voice, asking for a little of extra attention. I looked up to him, half curious and half suspicious.

“Yeah, why?” My voice sounded a little firmer now, but only a little.

The man held my stare for a moment, then returned his sight to the front and I could almost see a corner of his mouth twitching upwards “So you _really_ get along?”

“What?” I couldn’t help the slight confusion to invade my voice. The man sighed, and the little smile he was keeping hostage broke free, though it was shy, sad and short lived.

“Listen boy” he started with a deep voice “, it took me a while, I admit, but damn me if I hadn’t seen enough for your face to be burned in my retinas” he laughed softly, a heavy bitterness damping what should have been a cheerful sound.

“Wha-… Excuse me, sir, but I don’t-“

“I know you boy” he interrupted, and I could only look at him, my mouth with half a word still hanging. He turned to me and almost snorted “It’s that, with the amount of hair colors and styles you had, this ‘natural and roughed up’ look kinda disguised you, but I’ve seen enough of your face to recognize you. The other kid though” he made a thoughtful face “I can’t put a finger on him, his face seems familiar and I’m pretty sure he was one of you, but nothing else.”

He looked at me, and when I didn’t answer, he asked “Kim Sunggyu, right?”

“Y-Yeah” I mumbled, still surprised. The man chuckled shortly.

“What, a little over a year and you already forgot what it was to be recognized all around?”

“Well… I guess. It’s just that you don’t seem, you know…” I fumbled with the words.

“Oh, no, boy, hold it!” he waved a hand “I’m not one of your fans or anything”

“No, I didn’t think so…”

“My daughter was” he added, so soft I could barely hear him over the sound of the wind. I looked up to him again, surprise probably written all over my face.

The little statement shot a weird feeling through me. The question was pushing against my lips, almost out, but something further inside was stopping it. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to ask, I didn’t know if I wanted to ask anything at all, but I didn’t have to anyway, for he kept talking, his tone soft and low.

“She was a fan of yours, yes, and of your little group too. Posters and images all over her room, in her computer, in her cellphone…” his voice lost consistency and his eyes went beyond the road and somewhere else.

The stupid and overwhelming curiosity, true to the human nature, was tickling me and I was practically biting my tongue to avoid any tactless question, but I was failing miserably.

“Why… I mean where-?” I caught myself asking before I could say anything else. The man looked at me from the corner of his eyes, his stare so scrutinizing that I found myself lowering my eyes to the ground without thinking.

A moment of silence stretched between us like a rubber band, I was internally flinching in anticipation of any reaction. I could feel his stare in the side of my face.

“At the moment of the disaster she was away from home. She had gone on a trip with some friends for the holydays” a long, slow blink and a sigh paused his voice, and I remained as quiet as I could, my only movement being my feet walking by themselves “They had gone to Busan”

He slowly turned to me and locked his eyes with mine. I couldn’t look away, I could see it, that deep feeling drowning inside his dark, tired eyes, a feeling I suspected he could see reflected in my own, right behind the surprise. A wave of sorrow swept down my throat, its bitter taste lingering in my mouth. I tried to swallow the unpleasant tang once, twice, but it was still there. I wasn’t sure what he was trying to do, if he was accomplishing anything by my constricted throat, if he was attempting to make me stumble over my own thoughts, if he wanted to make the internal struggle surface yet again in my head… But I had to look away to blink away a few threatening tears.

“B-Busan, that’s… I mean there was…” I swallowed with difficulty “We were supposed to go… But I didn’t-“ my voice wavered dangerously.

“I know,” he intercepted me “I’ve been told. I’m sorry kid, but there’s nothing you could do-“

“No!” my own voice surprised me “There’s… I could, I could have gone, I could have tried, I could-“

“No.” the firm tone halted my words and the increasing racing in my mind abruptly. The following tone couldn’t have been softer though “You couldn’t. That boy back there,” he motioned to Sungjong “you are keeping him safe, you are keeping him sane.” a big hand fell heavily on my shoulder and I could swear my knees buckled under the weight; the weight of something beyond the gesture.

“Hyung!” one of the other travelers called loudly while approaching us from behind.

A firm squeeze pulled my attention back to a pair of eyes no longer hard and questioning, but understanding and urging “We’ll talk more later” the man gave another strong squeeze.

I didn’t quite realize when my feet moved me closer to his side.

 


	11. Untangling the thread

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a triple update for you, chapters 9, 10 & 11 in one go.

I should have taken a bag. I should have taken hyung’s bag. I should have insisted-

“Stop it Jong, I’m fine” his voice reached me, and I saw his pale face scowling slightly.

I nodded so he would stop frowning, but I still should have _done_ something. His hand was still lightly massaging his leg, his back propped against a darkened wall and his head resting back. Our bags were close beside me, the big heavy one with the water was on his side. I couldn’t stop staring at it, glaring at it, planning how to take it without having him lashing out at me…

“Don’t worry, one of the other guys will take it now, this is where we drop them off after all” he said, as if reading my mind. I didn’t know what was more unsettling, the fact that he knew what I was thinking about, or the fact that it didn’t surprise that much that he did anymore. One way or another, the fact was that that heavy thing would be out of his shoulders, so I nodded again, this time a little more sincere.

“Does it hurt much?” I asked, hating how insecure my voice sounded.

“No, not that much. I’m fine” he repeated. That wasn't good, every time he insisted like that it meant that he was covering something else up… Right?

I inched closer to him, crouching down and reaching for his leg to prod at it rather roughly. He immediately swatted my hand away, but didn’t flinch too violently, just a little grimace before continuing with the massaging.

“Will you at least let me carry our bags?”

“What? Why would you do that? I told you I’m fine, it was just a bad step-“

“Hyung, I’m taking both our bags” I stated without taking my eyes from his thigh.

“You don’t need to-“

“Hyung, I’m taking both our bags” I repeated, not able to avoid clenching my teeth a little at the end.

There was a short silence in which I could feel his stare fixed on my face. I couldn’t bring myself to raise my eyes to his. If I wanted to keep my ground here I couldn’t risk looking at him in the eyes, I was still unsure of what I could find in them. Instead, I occupied myself with fiddling with his fingers. I could almost hear the air filing his lungs just before starting to talk, but another voice, strong and imposing, interrupted whatever was going to come from his mouth.

“Kid” I saw the man, the oldest among us, walking towards us, a can in his hand and a bottle in the other “How’s that going?” he signaled to his leg with his head.

“I’m…” Sunggyu looked up at him, then back at his hands, as if suddenly insecure. I eyed the man from the side, and caught the stern look he was giving my hyung “I’m fine” he ended up muttering, and I felt something akin to protectiveness swelling inside me.

I moved to Sunggyu’s side and slumped back against the wall, our shoulders pressed tightly. My face was set into a scowl I couldn’t quite control, and my hand was still fumbling with my hyung’s fingers. I didn’t look up, I wanted to stay mad and grumpy, I wanted to be able to hold onto this surge of stubbornness and stay by hyung’s side, at least a little longer. I knew that the moment I met with any of their eyes, I would feel childish and out of place, automatically scolded and wrong. I didn’t even know why, but it was the feeling I had been nursing since this trip started and I couldn’t shake it off.

The shuffling of feet closer to us brought my attention back to the man in front of me, and I caught his intention. I wasn’t in position of demanding anything from him, let alone for him to ‘ _go away_ ’ just because I found his presence irking, so I did what was my best chance to get my message through without igniting a discussion or calling back that irritating feeling of inferiority and uselessness. I snuggled to my hyung’s side, latching onto his arm and resting my head on his shoulder, the scowl in my brow still glaring at my weak legs.

“Jong?” I could feel the rough shoulder shift lightly, I knew he was looking at me questioningly, but I could only huff in annoyance as a response.

“Here” the deep voice of the man sounded really close, just above us. A soft thud from the side, a little more shuffling, a moment of silence, evidence from a silent message that wasn’t for me, and heavy steps walking away.

Not half a minute passed, when a gentle sigh ruffled the hair at the top of my head. And there it was again, the feeling of having done something wrong, something selfish… It was like the guilt I was trying to avoid was still trying to reach me in any way possible, under any pretext and without any qualms about its validity. Maybe it was the way my mind had chosen to make me feel the weight of my decision, if Sunggyu’s leadership was my shield against my own disapproval, then it would be my weakness, my feeling of inferiority what was going to do the job. But that was something I could work with, something I could deal with, something within my capabilities. I could work hard, I could struggle to make myself useful, needed, noticed in a good way. That was something I had done, something I was accustomed to do.

This was the way we were going to work things out, wasn’t it? Sunggyu took the responsibilities of the decisions, he carried the bag of giving the command, and right behind him, I was going to push his back, so he could lead me forward and into the path I wasn’t ready to see or walk by myself.

\--

I kept quiet. I knew it was not the moment for questioning him, I could almost hear his brain working desperately, furiously. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t find reassurance in the comfort of his need. I was nearly at peace with the fact that I needed him to need me. Almost there.

He moved a little, adjusting his position against my side. A long and sharp release of air signaled the final decision of whatever was flying in circles in his head. So I took the sign to step in.

“You okay Jong?”

“Hmm?” he raised his head to meet my eyes immediately, almost out of unintended reflex, because as quick as he did, he lowered his gaze again “Yeah, why? I’m just a little sleepy”

I bumped my shoulder against his chin softly, and I knew he had caught the message. He looked up, his eyes unsure and almost asking me not to make him do that, but I held his stare, subtly forcing him look at me. I understood that he felt a little helpless, not having carried any of the bags, dealing with the looks of the other guys, intimidated by them at some point, and now I was pretty sure he was feeling guilty for not realizing before that I was about to hit the ground under the weight of the load. But, alas, I didn’t either. I took me by surprise as much as him. It had been my slip, my own carelessness, but you go make him understand that. The last thing I wanted was to see him slump in insecurity, in impotence or frustration. I wanted him to be the annoying little brat that kept me going on and on. The effect that this trip could have in me wasn’t the same that it was having in him, he was feeling uncomfortable, pressured and watched, I could tell. So, maybe my best shot at trying to lift him up was to put his attention past this.

“We have a long way ahead, you know?” I tried, still looking at him. His big eyes scowled briefly, then he blinked quickly, and right after he nodded, a little spark of determination flickering behind the fogy veil of deflated self-confidence. I wanted to ignite that spark “You remember what I told you back at that house in the middle of nowhere, right?” I said in a lower tone.

He looked a little startled, my question maybe a little random to him. I leaned in, almost unnoticeably and spoke even lower, suddenly overly-conscious of the people around us.

“Keep your mind firm Sungjong…” I provided, my eyes trained in his. He frowned softly right before widening his eyes, the light of recognition present in his expression, immediately followed by understanding.

He swallowed heavily and nodded again “I-I know Hyung…” he whispered.

“I know you do Jong” I did my best to smile to him, but I don’t think I succeeded. Maybe a twist of mouth could be reassuring enough. He didn’t look as lost and defeated, but the dense insecurity was still there, hanging onto him like a second skin. I wanted to make him feel sure, to make him feel strong and determinate, to push away the cloud of depression and vulnerability that hung over his head. But it would be like trying to paint a wall with water; I didn’t have it in me yet to push aside the weight of guilt that clung to my ankles, I was still swimming back to the surface, didn’t know yet if I’d drown in this fucking swamp we had stumbled upon… The frustration surfaced again and took hold of the air in my lungs; I fought it back as much as I could, not wanting it to sabotage my purpose. ‘ _I’m keeping him sane, I’m keeping him safe_ ’ I told myself, forcing the notion to take priority over any other thought, “Hey, let’s try some of this” I released him from the staring match and motioned to the open can beside me.

He nodded and reached out across my lap with his slender arm and thin fingers. ‘ _I’ll keep him safe_ ’ the words echoed in my head with such strength that I almost spill them out. I’d have to bypass my own dark cloud to try to brighten Sungjong’s spirit, even if just a little, but I’d as sure as hell put my all to keep him standing.

\--

I placed the bottle down on the ground again, while I relished in the feel of the clean water washing down my dry throat. It was one of those things that you tried to savor the best you could, making it last the most you were allowed to. I was tempted to drink a little more, but the bottle was half empty by now, and it was a sight never pleasant, even if I knew there were more in our bags and this one hadn’t come from our stock… But still, I shook my head to no one and set my eyes outside.

I couldn’t really see much, nothing actually. The little lamp beside me provided a little light around us, but beyond its reach it pressed the darkness in a wall solidified by the blatant contrast. The only thing I could see was the glow of the other man’s torch, when he walked near the entrance of the little rundown store we were in. It wasn’t that late, but it was already dark. We had reached the town at dawn, just in time for my stupid leg to give up on me, but at least it hadn’t delayed the rest of the group. The man helped me walk until we reached this little nowhere, and then the other three guys took the bags and the cart to wherever they had to take it. We stayed behind because the people they were meeting didn’t know us and they didn’t feel like creating a fuss. I didn’t either, and I didn’t feel like walking without a reason, so it was fine by me. It was only the three of us now; the guy, who kept going around doing who knows what, Sungjong, to my side-

“Finally” a low voice ruffled my thoughts. I didn’t jump only because of the weight of Sungjong against me, completely out and deeply asleep “Is he always so protective or is it only me that he doesn’t like?” the man continued with a nod to my side.

I looked down to my dongsaeng, curiously. I never thought of him as the protective type…

  _And towards me of all things?_

In all honesty, his recent attitude was more insecure than any other thing, but, thinking about it and considering the last hours, he might have some… reservations, you could say, towards this man. Maybe it wasn’t just this guy, maybe it was this entire journey we were trying to pull off, the mutual need, the time we had been apart, and the fact that in that time we surely thought, at least once, that we weren’t going to see each other ever again. Perhaps all those things, and some other, blended together to create new feelings besides reinforcing old ones.

“He’s just a little stressed out” I mumbled finally, still looking at the sleeping figure.

“Well, who isn’t really?” the man approached me and stood only a meter away. I met his eyes and saw the slight question in them. I nodded, moving the empty can from my side so he could sit down. We stayed in shared silence for a while, a mixture of his seemingly thoughtful quietness and my unsure curiosity. Not a minute after, he shook his head slowly and turned to me “Jungho” he said reaching out a hand.

I blinked a few times confused before awkwardly taking his hand, big, rough, callused, but warm with my left one and mumbling what was supposed to be my own name, before the fact that he already knew it tangled my tongue.

“Yeah, nice to meet you sir” I ended up saying.

A small smile brought up the wrinkles in his face, and for some reason, it made it so much easier for me to see the father in that image that my own lips stumbled between a crooked smile and a grimace. I lowered my eyes quickly, not even sure what was this reaction about and certainly not realizing that not only I was still holding his hand, but I gripped a little harder. I noticed a few seconds later, with a shy apology and some lame attempts of dusting my messily mended pants.

“How’s the leg?” he asked again, once my uncomfortable shuffling was over.

“It’s fine” came the immediate response even before I could think about it.

“Care to try again?” his voice sounded a little more tight, almost scolding, and I found myself unsure whether to feel offended or let the urging tiny smile break free.

“It’s fine, really, I think it’s healing well. It must have been a pull of the muscle of something” I elaborated, while looking at my hands over my lap.

“Healing?” the slightest tint of surprise pinched his tone.

“Uh… Yeah, right” I debated with myself if it was any good to tell the guy the details of, well, anything. But I couldn’t kid myself anymore, nor did I have any intentions of fooling around any longer “I kind of had… I mean, we run into this gang back at Gwangju-“

“A gang? You two?” the surprise was a little heavier now.

 “Yeah, I had already bump into them before, but managed to run away”

“So, all these souvenirs are from the first or second encounter?” I saw his hand gesturing to my face and I remembered the pitiful image I was carrying. I could almost laugh at how easily I forgot about the bruises all over me only because I got accustomed to the tightness in my face and the soreness in my back. And I almost _did_ laugh actually, only a little strangled noise, more like a scoff.

 _To hell with it,_ I thought. I didn’t have to appear tough or anything in front of him, right? I took a deep breath and let it go slowly. I felt the expecting glance of the man on me, but he did nothing aside from watching and waiting. I’m pretty sure he knew I was about to spill everything in detail. And I was, I had it all piled up right behind my teeth, ready to run back the days we had been walking and maybe further back if I let my tongue loose. The only impediment was that I didn’t know how I’d go along with it, if I’d be able to go back and forth with all my senses in place and my emotions in check. I knew I probably wouldn’t.

Straightening my back against the wall, I tried to organize my thoughts in a way I could handle them. Attempting to sort out what could be said and what couldn’t, how much I could rewind time without getting caught in the memories, I settled for a safe starting point and a vague end. I had to avoid the extremes, I guessed, too far back and I’d get lost in the fantasies and illusions of a reality that was no longer mine; too close to now and I’d get buried in the consuming bitterness and lingering soreness of the reality I had to affront…

“I left the refugee I was residing in back at my… What _had been_ my hometown, with a traveler that happened to stop by for a few days” I started, feeling awkward and more self-conscious that I’d thought I’d feel. My voice left my throat reluctantly, dragging itself heavily and low “He helped me out a little, and accompanied me for the first days, then we parted ways”

“Where was that?” his deep voice almost startled me.

“Just outside Gwagnju”

“That wasn’t too far”

“It was enough for me to get accustomed to the basics of the travelling life” I shrugged.

“The basics? You mean choking on thin air, not sleeping, barely eating, being paranoid-“

“Pretty much, yes”

He clicked his tongue and I could see from the side how he shook his head slowly. I didn’t know what was it that bothered him so much, but I pursued my lips and frowned lightly, feeling a little annoyed. He turned to look at me for a little moment, before sighing softly “Alright” he said in a softer tone “, go on”

I huffed a little to let him know I didn’t appreciate that kind of intervention. I had no idea if he got the message or not, but I wouldn’t push it more than that anyway.

“It wasn’t long after I started to go on my own that I bumped into two outlaws. They got me by surprise and I could barely escape. This” I signaled my face “and some on my back is from that time-“

“Did you even have anything to defend yourself with?” the man asked abruptly, as if trying to make a point, though I didn’t know which was it. His question threw me a little off. I remembered that yes, I had the knife, and I had used it. The detail had actually slipped my mind as if trying to go unnoticed without me realizing.

I fumbled with my hand as I gulped and cleared my throat, barely nodding as a response and praying he wouldn’t question further into that matter.

“Ok…” I could hear the rest of it there, the question, the assumption “Ok then, so you managed to run away” he urged me on. I almost thanked him.  

“Yes, I…” I coughed softly “I was pretty messed up actually and I just kept running until my legs couldn’t hold me anymore, I was damn lucky that, just before I collapsed for good, a guy found me” I heard the man hum in question “He took me to the place he was staying at with a bunch of other guys. They were only nine, but they were doing really well on their own. They seemed pretty distended actually…” I thought back at the little house, at the cheery voices through the walls, the joking around, the laughs and playful bickering… I felt tempted to smack myself when my throat clamped suddenly. Why now of all moments? But, stupid me, how could I forget that damned group of men, how much they bothered me and how fucking much I _envied_ them. Now more than ever.

I clenched my teeth and looked away, swallowing that stupid knot and furiously whipping away the wetness of my eyes. I wouldn’t let it get to me. I needed to let it all out, I wanted it _out_ , not go through it, not again, just push it onto someone else to do _something_ with it.

My narration resumed almost immediately, and, if I wasn’t tricking myself, with a tense underlining of anger pushing it forward, faster and hastier with every sentence my mouth dropped on my lap. I went over my encounter with Sungjong, the little dilemma of taking him with me or not, our quick departure, the second time we met the outlaws, how we got rid of them, how we fled the place, the walk into the barren lanes, the sick city, our hasty escape, the house, the forest, the little panic attack, the encounter with the crazy dude… And I stopped. I halted right there with an abruption that made me choke on my own spit for a second. I coughed a little, and breathed in, filling myself with the oxygen I was lacking. I felt tense, so tense that my hands shook a little, my back hurt more than usual and my teeth and jaw hurt from the tension. I was nervous. I couldn’t hear anything from the man beside me, I was at a loss, not even sure of what I had just said.

I had spit everything, even the things I didn’t want to let him know, I just blurted everything out in the urgency of letting go of it, to push it away from me and onto him. I didn’t want to let it go for the fact of saying it, of putting words to the memories, that’s not what I needed, that’s not what I wanted at all, I hated it actually. That’s why I ran all over it, stacking up the slips and mistakes, the emotions and evasions, the nerves and reluctance, all piled up right in front of this man in hopes that he would know what the fuck to do with all of it, because I certainly didn’t have a clue.

A little shifting sound caught my attention back, and my hopes stepped aside to give place to new worries. I had told him about the men I killed, and about our crossing through the city we were supposed not to step on. But I made it clear that we didn’t have any contact with the people, didn’t I? I didn’t know, I didn’t remember what I had said exactly, just that I said it.

A heavy hand dropped rigidly on my shoulder, and my nerves tightened even more.

“We didn’t-“

“Boy, you need to calm down“ his stern voice interrupted me even before I knew what I was going to say to help my case “You’re damn lucky you both seem to be clean or I swear I’d have kicked you back to your hometown in a single shot,” he locked his sight with mine and pressed me back against the wall “but hyperventilating here is gonna do you no good, so get it together”

I took a slow and half relieved mouthful of air trying not to choke on it and let it out with a shiver, but the remaining issue made me suddenly very aware of the machete hanging from my hip and so I found myself trying, without an ounce of discretion, to hide it between my clothes and Sungjong. The little click of tongue from my left told me that someone wasn’t finding the action too pleasant, so I returned my look to the man. I had to clarify things before it could bring us any trouble.

“I’m no judge, kid” he spoke before I could. My face must have shown some skepticism though, because he frowned a little and insisted “We all have done our fair share of shady shit, you know? There are very few saints left these days, there never were many to begin with” his voice grew a bit tighter and harsher “And those motherfuckers you bled back there, I can bet my life were the furthest from a fucking good soul you could find in all the way you made ’til now, do I make myself clear here?” I nodded, a little perplexed at his flip of attitude and my own sense of undergoing a reprimand “That big-ass blade you have hanging from the belt saved both your asses back then, but tell me now if you wouldn’t have found any other way to slice those pieces of trash even if you had to rip their faces with your own teeth!” I couldn’t downright nod at that, but some part of me felt swelling in agreement and, even more, _fueled_ by the intensity that it could reflect directly from the man’s bold words. He seemed to sense that “Now,” his voice slowed down but his words got heavier, angry whispers barely contained, and his eyes bore into mine, seemingly desperate to make a point, to nail whatever he was going to say right into my skull “Tell me if you regret any single drop of blood you made them shed back there, if you would change a single move, avoid the tiniest of blows if you could, or if you wouldn’t do it _over and over again_ if you fucking had to. Look at your right and tell me if you would.”

As if on cue, my dongsaeng shifted against me, the slightest move, the softest of grunts, and for motives beyond my capability of reasoning, I could only shake my head while sniffling back the sobs.

A solid and warm hand settled atop of my head while I fought to breathe normally.

“Stop _trying_ to feel guilty over things you don’t even want to change in the first place, and stop struggling with the things _you can’t change_. You have another life there hanging from the rope alongside with you and you have to do whatever you can to make it to the other side with it, you can’t cling to nothing but that” his hand started ruffling my hair in a soft and reiterative motion “You made it this far already, and that’s a great doing, you know?”

I sniffled soundly and swallowed before attempting to speak, the strange urge to seek for aid soaring inside.

“But…” I paused and closed my eyes. What exactly did I want to say? I shook my head and blinked repeatedly, subconsciously leaning into the comforting ruffling of my hair “It hasn’t been half of it and I already…” I trailed off, ‘ _failed’_ at the tip of my tongue.

“There are many things beyond your control boy. More than you’d like to think. There are countless facts that you can do absolutely nothing about, just maneuver through it the best you can and keep moving. You can’t dwell on it too much, because it’d be like trying to move a mountain with the strength of your bare hands, in the end you’d find yourself in the same place, wasted energy, wasted time and only pain as gain” the hollow hint under his deep voice reminded me that I wasn’t the only one with regrets and frustrations to get over “You need to believe, accept and remember that there’s something beyond this, that you’re going through all of this for a reason. Even if you can’t achieve all of it, and if every single miss weights on your shoulders like nothing you ever thought you’d need to handle” his voice became hoarse, fighting to rise above the thin sliver of sound it was becoming “you have to remind yourself that there are still more waiting, that every second counts and every breath you take needs to be invested and not wasted, because you can’t afford to waste _anything_ until you find them…” he trailed off and fell quiet, as if he had forgotten he was talking to someone.

Silence reached to us, like the lazy sway of the sea, steadily moving towards you, biting your toes and retreating back, leaving the cold trail of its visit tangible beneath you. I looked at him, as he just stared into the indiscernible distance, surely letting his own words root into his head… I blinked hurriedly and grimaced at my own lack of attention, guiltily biting by chapped lips.

“I’m… I’m sorry” I mumbled, not really looking at him, but more like talking to his neck.

I saw him gasp almost indolently, right before turning to me. I looked up to meet his eyes, and we stared at each other for a few seconds, probably indulging ourselves in the recognition of the same frustrations and resignations in both our glances. His hand moved and I realized he had never lifted it from my head. A little smile stretched his mouth, it wasn’t lacking its bitter edge, but it was the most sincere and vulnerable he had shown until now.

“I’m sorry too kid”

 

 


	12. Helping hands

The cold of the morning was mercilessly biting any patch of skin that was left uncovered, numbness taking hold of noses, ears, eyelids and toes; the rosy tint of the cheeks contrasting almost aggressively against the pale, borderline ashen color of the still faces.

There was a thin blanket of grayish snow softening the ground, still being reinforced by the tiny specks that floated languidly in the air. The wind, sharp in its coldness but soft in its touches, made the sleet sway in a fluttery manner, sliding in gentle swirls that placed it in the ground with utter delicacy.

The sky was still dark, the irony clouds only a bit paler, but enough to let the hint of light trace the outline of mingling shapes, all still and frozen, rusted, broken, twisted, and dead. All except for a bunch of forms, huddled together against the cold inner wall of a long wasted store. If not for the top of the heads peeking from under the thick blanket wrapped around them, you wouldn’t notice them, but there they were, sleeping peacefully, or at least quietly, as two little children that fell asleep waiting for their parents to get home.

There was a little sense of sadness, melancholy, tragedy and hope surrounding them, blending into a confusing mist of feelings that twisted around you if you came too close to them. It made you feel dizzy in a distressing way, it made you feel sad for them, impotent under a layer of foreign worry, both lifted and overwhelmed by a heart aching appreciation. It was, in the end, an unpleasant feeling, suffocating almost, but it still drew you in, closer, it nourished a need inside your chest, the need of showing support, comfort, protection and encouragement, any of those things…

“Hyung?” a male voice asked in a low murmur.

“Mmh?” a second one, deeper, responded with an air of absence.

“Are they really not coming back with us?”

A few seconds in silence were followed by a pained sigh.

“Yeah” the deep voice breathed out.

“Hyung” the younger voice came again, accompanied with a rather young hand falling over a strong, broad shoulder “We can wait a little longer if you want, so you can talk them into coming back. Two young, healthy guys would not bother back at the town, you know?”

“I know” was the answer.

“But…?”

“But…”

A soft, almost timid gush of gelid wind swept between them, barely reaching the insides of the store. One of the cornered figures under the blanket shifted, a little spam in reaction of the cold, and then moved closer to the other one. A shiver run down the spines of the standing people, one looking away, far to the north, beyond what a pair of eyes could reach, into a long road, desolated lands, void cities, shadowy corners, toxic rivers, unpredictable skies…

“Hyung-“

“They won’t be coming” a sense of conclusion stood right besides those words, a finality acquired and not chosen, but present still “That there” a jerk of a head signaled the bundle wrapped in a blanket “is a stubborn little runt and his equally stubborn little friend, both blinded by a need stronger than self-preservation it seems” a little emphatic sound came in response to that “But their determination is something to look up to, I have to give them that”

“You think they’ll make it?”

“I don’t know. If they keep going like until now, I doubt it”

“You mean one taking cover under the other? Or this other mindlessly overprotecting the one?”

“I guess a little of both”

“Well, he kinda looks worn out-“

“He _is_ ”

“You’re worried, aren’t you?”

“You can tell?” the pinch of sarcasm earned a little laugh.

“But honestly hyung, if they don’t want to, then there’s nothing you can do”

“I know”

Impotence rose from the thinly snowed ground, crawling at the sturdy pair of legs that stood firm in front of the little building. Silence followed shortly.

A little rustling sound, a boot scraping against the frozen floor, broke the quietness carefully.

“What is it that gets to you so much?” the younger voice uttered with a hint of indecision.

“I honestly don’t know”

“You seem done for”

“What?” both pair of eyes met, one with guarded curiosity, the other simply intrigued.

“Would you actually be willing to go with them?” the question held a sound of early surprise, an advanced hint of incredulity, but both smothered by a softness that implied mild understanding.

There were a few blinks, and a thoughtful expression that aggravated the wrinkles of a face that held concern for far too long.

“I can’t leave you guys and the town” was the somewhat tight response, to what a soft, forgiving laugh answered back.

“So you would”

Another patch of silence, in which some things were accepted and others resigned, floated languidly around the place, until a little grunt from the bundle of blankets and limbs peaked out.

“You did the best you could, didn’t you hyung?”

There was a nod, a shrug of shoulders, a click of tongue, a shaking head and a muttered “I hope so”

“Then the rest is up to them and the best of our hopes” the young voice said, a last pat on the broad shoulder and the shuffling of a pair of feet walking away over the crunchy, slim ice.

A long cloud of white breath escaped the parted mouth of the older man.

“The best of our hopes, huh?” Jungho said bitterly as he watched the slowly awakening Sunggyu, who was blinking groggily at a still very asleep Sungjong plastered to his side. 

\--

The scene in front of us was not very encouraging, the scattered buildings were pale and cold, the ground veiled in the grey leftover of the past night’s snow, the sky didn’t have anything new to offer. The slow winds slithered back and forth, dragging frozen dust and softly pulling at our hair and clothes. I was still trying to muster enough strength to turn around, turn and face the man that I knew was staring at my back expectantly. I wasn’t sure what he was waiting for exactly, a goodbye, perhaps, but his face had also told me that there was a little hope that I’d reconsider. I wouldn’t, so that left us with the farewell, and for some reason, that was a hard task for me to accomplish at the moment.

I ran over last night’s conversation; a lot had been said, and another lot was still locked in, but I could not deny the new impulse that lodged between by shoulder blades, a new little, insistent push that guided me not to my destination but simply forward. I was also very aware of the new weight hanging from my hip. I was still dealing with mixed feelings about it: I didn’t want to take something so valuable from this man when he had helped me so much already, I didn’t like the feeling of apprehension that having such a thing with me produced in me, I wasn’t sure how Sungjong would react to it and it might cause trouble if we didn’t keep it concealed when trying to win the trust of other non-hostile people. But, even with all those negative considerations, I still had accepted to take it, and there it was, firmly attached to my belt, right beside the machete. There was another thing I could not deny, the big advantage that it could mean to us if given certain situations.

The slender fingers of Sungjong pressed subtly at my arm, where they were wrapped greedily. I looked at him, but he was lost into the view ahead of us. There was a heavy rustle behind me.

“You shouldn’t wait more” the deep voice of Jungho called my attention “You have a long way to go, and I can give you advice for only so far ahead”

I nodded.

My eyes closed without my consent, and I was lost in my own thoughts in a second. My brain was running laps all over the way we had to cover until we reached our next destiny, and I let myself fall into the desperation that the distance and probabilities pushed onto me. A new weight settled in my stomach and I had to breathe deeply three times before I felt it give in a little. A last sigh and I turned around.

The man was effectively staring at me, the rest of his group nowhere to be seen. He glanced at Sungjong and nodded stiffly at him, to what my dongsaeng nodded back, his fingers again crushing my arm in a deathly grip.

“We should go hyung” he said softly, as if he didn’t want the other man to hear him.

“I know” I breathed out. I looked up to the older guy and pressed my lips into a thin line “Thank you so much for your help until now” I bowed to him, the heavy apprehension hitting my chest in full force.

“Don’t thank me, boy. Just make sure you survive this crazy mission of yours”

“I’ll do my best” I nodded, my eyes fixed to his boots.

“I’m sure you will” his tone softened, and I looked up to find his eyes boring into me with urgency. I could only nod again, pressing vehemence in the gesture, as the only way to transmit my absolute will to try and not fail him, to make him believe in me, to satisfy my sudden need of approval.

He took a step forward and patted my shoulder heavily, his other hand on Sungjong. His mouth twisted a few times before molding into a reluctant smile, unsure but sincere, that I tried to reciprocate. I think I made it, for he widened his own.

The reluctance that was nailing me to the ground wouldn’t relent, so I had to wait for my dongsaeng to pull at my arm until I could step back. I felt vulnerable and childish, to be feeling this senseless attachment to a practically unknown man, but the last year had done strange things to everyone’s perception of reality. I only tried not to crumble down by my own weakness and, with a last bow and quivering smile, I turned my back to him.

I couldn’t help to glance back again, a minute into the walk, and the sight of the lonely, tiny figure still standing there made my knees tremble in a way they hadn’t done in a long while.

\--

I knew this was the time for me to start pushing, at least until he climbed back from this little slump of strength he had fallen into in the presence of that man. I only hoped it had done him more good than what he was letting me see, because at the moment, I could only see a depressed hyung, insecure, disoriented, in need of a guiding figure. It wasn’t a common sight, not back then when we were together, and definitely not now, when he was nothing but projected security and assertiveness. He was still holding onto the feeling of security that someone else had provided him. I felt extremely lacking at the mere thought, to think that he needed something like this so badly and I wasn’t capable of providing anything similar, on the contrary even, I demanded it from him.

As the outline of the town disappeared into the horizon behind us, and the more occasional structures peered at us from the sides, I felt how he slowly started to fall into rhythm again. Whether it was by mere instinct or the true overcoming of the feeling of sorrow, it escaped me, but it was something. So I tried to snap his attention back to the real world and out of the hollow space he was probably secluding himself in at the moment.

“How long do you think will take us to reach the main road, hyung?”

“Huh?” his head snapped up “I don’t know… Not much I hope”

“Do you think it’ll snow again?” I insisted.

“Maybe” he looked up at the clouded sky “I hope not though”

“Mmh… It’s still better than the rain”

“Yeah, but nothing at all is even better…”

“So, how is it? We reach this road and follow it to Seoul?”

He let out a short lived, raspy laugh “There are two big roads, but yeah, pretty much”

“Sounds easy enough”

“Yeah, which means it will not be so”

“Don’t be so pessimistic, hyung”

“Expecting the worst may keep you breathing Jong”

“I’d love to say that you’re exaggerating”

“Me too, Jongie” he patted my back as I smiled, glad to hear his voice sound firmer.

It theory, it wouldn’t take us too long to reach the first road, and it was supposedly in a pretty good state, at least for a few kilometers, and then there was a safe city we could stop by. Hyung said we should be able to reach it before the day ended without much trouble, as long as we kept the steady pace we usually managed to put up. At the moment, the only complication was the slipping here and there because of the thin ice that still covered the ground, but for the rest it all seemed cooperative.

When we reached the intersection and the big route we were to follow, we didn’t even made mention of it, simply hoped up and followed quietly. It was as if our feet didn’t want to stop, a mechanic constancy rolling our steps in an undisturbed walk.

Effectively, the clouds were only starting to turn off the glow that made things visible when we spotted the grey mass of constructions ahead. I don’t think we even hurried, just let our feet do the work the way they wanted, but, as if we had been programed to reach this point and no more, I started to feel the burning sense of tiredness when the void windows of the tall buildings were distinguishable. I suddenly had to crack my neck, straighten my back, groan, shift the weight of my bag and even shake my feet a little.

“What is it?” hyung’s voice called, lightly amused.

“I don’t know, it’s like suddenly I remembered how to be tired” I grumbled.

“It’s ok, we’re almost there”

“I just hope it won’t be like last time… Do you see any lonely crazy dude near?”

“If it was like last time I don’t think we would see them”

“Ugh, I have a little pocket knife and I don’t know how to use it but I certainly will if they give us the same shit again”

“Woah, hey” he snorted “We come in peace, remember? Stick to the script”

“Ok” I accepted, throwing a glance at him to see if that little amused snort had accompanied, perhaps, a smile, but I saw only a twisted pair of lips in a somehow entertained gesture. I sighed as I watched him readjust his clothes a little “Why are you wearing that?” I inquired looking at the shirt hanging from his hips.

“What? Oh, this… it’s…” he trailed off a little while he moved the fabric to cover his sides “Just to conceal the blade a little” he shrugged.

“Oh… Aren’t you going to be cold?”

“No, it wasn’t mine to begin with, the hyung back there gave it to me”

“Oh, ok” I let it go, trying to avoid the subject before it could get to him “I guess we’ll look friendlier now?”

“It’s the idea”

“Why do I feel like we’re trying to trick people?”

“We are… kind of”

“Do you think they wouldn’t let us in if they see the knife?”

“We’d look very suspicious at least”

“We already look suspicious, don’t we?”

“That’s right, so the most we can… _soften_ from our images, the better”

“What if we bump into some bad guys again?” I asked with reluctance “Wouldn’t it be good that we look… I don’t know, dangerous?”

There was another snort “The best would be for us to be invisible, but it depends; if it were to be only a couple of guys then yes, the scarier the better, but if it’s more, then it would only provoke them”

“I guess…”

“Let’s play it nice for now”

“Ok, I can be nice”

“Of course you can, Jongie” he ruffled my hair “You are the epitome of niceness”

“Was that sarcasm?”

“Not at all”

There wasn’t any crazy gate keeper this time, only rubble and a holey, dirty pair of boots. We walked into the city, quietly and always looking all around us, until the murmur of people reached us through the cold streets. We followed the sound, and that’s how, a few minutes after arriving, we found ourselves undergoing an interrogation of the sorts, a bunch of skeptical faces surrounding us and another lot curiously peeking from afar.

Hyung did most of the talk, being sure to avoid any mentions of the sick city and to reinforce the fact that we had been sent there by this Jungho guy. That seemed to be evidence enough of our innocence, and the grim jury dispersed to let us join the rest of the people. The fact that we had made clear that we were only passing by was a big help too, as their predisposition changed abruptly from reluctant and evasive, to welcoming and helpful. Sunggyu offered to help around for the time we were going to spend, and I immediately butted in with enthusiasm, avoiding any favoring and only adding as condition that I’d stay close to my hyung, who, luckily, didn’t seem too peeved by my approach. We didn’t have to do much, though, almost nothing, and I appreciated that, we needed rest for the oncoming part of the journey and hyung could use some extra relaxing.

The next morning we were guided to the limits of the city that fell into the second big road we had to follow, bits of advice dropped here and there by the woman that accompanied us.

“The snowing started not too long ago, so you can expect some of that, but it could also mean less probabilities of rain” she was telling us spiritedly as she walked ahead of us.

“That’s good” Sunggyu mumbled, his eyes darting to the sides, instinctively on edge because of the loud voice of our guide.

“Don’t worry” she said, having noticed hyung’s tension “There are no outlaws here, we managed to ambush the only group there was around”

“Oh, well congratulations, I guess”

“Thank you” she smiled.

“But how do you know no other arrived?”

“That’s why we always travel in groups and have people posted all around”

“You do? We didn’t see anyone when we arrived”

“Yeah… Well, maybe we _are_ getting a little careless, we’ve been doing good lately, so some things are starting to slip, you know? Especially from that side of the town, as the main road leads to the Gyeongnam province…”

I half tuned out the conversation, only listening to the voices, barely registering the friendly advice (I’d say it was inconspicuous scolding, old habits die hard I guess) Sunggyu was offering the woman and choosing to pay more attention to the grey sight around us. It was true that the people here seemed more relaxed than what I was accustomed to, but I hadn’t have many examples so far. My own town was in an unstable situation with the outlaws, constantly running from or after them, fearing their growth and dealing with their threatening presence; then there was the sick city, not the best example of… anything really; and finally the last town, where we almost got our heads blown by some kind of gate keeper. So stumbling here, where a simple name and a friendly disposition earned us a warm place to stay the night, food, advice and guidance in exchange for practically nothing was definitely a change of scenery, and a good one at that.

We reached the limits of the town, and I had to halt my steps before catching up to the other two, because I had to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me.

“Well…“ Sunggyu sounded also a little surprised “I guess you were lucky”

We were standing near the edge of something that resembled a cliff. Well, it was, actually, a cliff in the middle of a city, if that’s possible. But, let’s be honest, a lot of things started being more possible than we’d ever think since it all happened. So the ground snapping, breaking apart and raising (or sinking) what I thought were at least thirty meters was not so crazy of a thought.

“Oh, yes, this big fellow was a huge ruckus when it happened, but now it’s more useful than harmful” the woman shrugged.

“And how is that?” Sunggyu asked.

“Well, as you can see, it has a really sharp inclination, if there’s any, it’s like a big wall, so it lessens the probability of people entering from this side without us noticing”

“Makes some kind of sense… But how are we supposed to descend?”

“No problem, there are some parts that aren’t as rough as what you see here, and you can slide down if you are careful”

“Ok, then…” hyung conceded, still sounding a little concerned.

We walked along the rupture maybe two blocks or three, before nearing the edge. I had to hold onto Sunggyu’s arm when we stood right over the sharp cut of the asphalt, the height was making me nervous, and I didn’t see any gentler dip around for us to use.

“Here” the woman said turning to us.

We looked down to the trashy drop of the ground, pieces of rock peeking unevenly from the dark, hard wall. The broken asphalt at the upper layer showed some rusted and twisted fingers of iron. I looked beyond the cliff, at the bottom of the rough wall, to find the remaining of a destroyed street, a fallen lamppost, a car or two knocked over, the evidence of a collapse of some structure a little to the right.

“This is the safest spot to descend?” Sunggyu’s voice sounded half reluctant and half resigned.

“Yes, I know it may seem a little hard to believe, but it is” the woman said while looking down too “All those rocks you see peeking are actually pretty solid, so you can use it to your advantage, the cut is sharp and clean too, no piece of asphalt or hole, there’s practically no iron that could give you tetanus and lastly, the rupture was right at the middle of the street, so there’s no building destroyed down there waiting to snap you in half” she looked up to us and clarified with a grim face “you wouldn’t like to see the other sides some people tried to go down from”

“I’m sure not” I muttered.

“Yeah, there is a factory split in half at a point, the amount of glass and twisted metal down there is creepy just to look at, not even imagining what you can find stuck inside. There’s an area that seems to have formed some kind of swamp at the bottom, not really nice either, I can assure you that whatever is down there isn’t mud, and the vapors floating around... Ugh. Oh, and there’s also a place that has a huge amount of cars, all piled up and turned over, a few people tried to use it as some sort of ladder to minimize the height, but…” she twisted her face a little and shook her head “let’s say it didn’t work”

“Ok then, I believe you” Sunggyu finally said “So how are we supposed to do this?”

“Oh, it pretty simple, I’ll help you with this” she produced a thick rope from the bag she had hanging over her hip and started tying it up to a post near the edge of the cliff “, you put it around your hips and climb down using the rock as help. I descended myself a few times, it’s easier than it looks, really” she reassured with a smile.

I neared the line and noticed it was some kind of alpinist rope, strong looking and with both ends provided with big, heavy hooks. The woman pulled firmly from it a few times before grabbing the other end, her hands now clad in a pair of rough gloves. She glanced at us with an expecting look.

“Ok, then, I’m going first” Sunggyu nodded decidedly before I could even register what we were going to do.

The woman helped him to wrap the rope around him, also attaching one of the bags to a shorter string.

“Is there anything fragile here?” she asked, to what hyung nodded unsurely, throwing a furtive glance towards me before nodding once again, more decided. The woman set the bag on the ground “Ok, then we’ll send the bags in the second time so you can catch it”

He positioned himself at the very edge, backing the precipice. I felt all kinds of nerves twisting in my stomach as I watched him kick his left foot against the ground as if trying to test the resistance of his leg. I really hoped the woman knew how to handle this and it was as easy as she said.

Hyung crouched down and placed his hands on the cold and slippery asphalt, throwing one of his legs back and down slowly. I instinctively neared him, my hands shooting towards the line that kept him tied to the post the moment half his body disappeared behind the ground.

“Keep looking down for support on the rocks” the woman provided, holding onto the rope firmly “Remember to put your weight against the wall, in diagonal and not on the rock”

“Ok-“ his eyes widened abruptly when he moved sharply downwards for a millisecond, and I found myself lunging forward.

“Careful!” the woman gasped, pulling at the line.

After a second of silence, he sighed “Ok, it’s really slippery” he tensed his jaw and continued his slow progress.

I didn’t take my eyes from him until he reached the bottom. I was tenser than what I thought, having ended up on my knees and hands, my eyes big and fixed on the top of his head as he moved down, my teeth tightly pressed. The rope was a little shorter that the distance we had to bridge, so he had to unfasten himself and do a little jump at the end. I winced in when he hit the ground, falling on his feet but stumbling backwards and dropping on his butt.

When he finally stood up and dusted his pants (I don’t even know why, those were as dirty as the ground anyway), he looked up and signed with wide movements of his arms to pull it back up. The woman did so with a big smile on her face.

“See? Just need to be careful not to slip” she said to me.

“Ok” I gulped down with a little difficulty and watched as she attached one of the bags to the longer rope before letting her wrap it around me.

“Come on, just like he did just now” she encouraged me as she accompanied me to the edge and held my arms while I crouched down. Hadn’t I been so insecure, I’d have rejected the extra attention, but at the moment I couldn’t care less, I was actually grateful.

“What about the other bag?” I asked trying to gain a little time to calm myself.

“I’ll send it after you so it won’t weigh you down too much”

“Oh… Ok”

I felt my whole body trembling and tensed at the same time as I stepped gingerly on the first rock protruding from the hard soil, I practically buried my nails on the earthy stone as I started moving down, my eyes never losing sight from the uneven wall. I could see Sunggyu’s form below me, his head raised towards me and his stance as tense as mine while I descended ever so slowly.

Sweat dampened my forehead and I started breathing a little harder as I felt my strength begin to falter near what I though was the middle of the distance. I could feel my thin arms trembling and my fingers sweaty and unsecure, my legs felt hot and tired and I begged whoever I could that I would reach the bottom before my weak limbs slipped from the rocks.

“Come on Jong, you’re almost here!” I heard hyung’s hoarse voice nearer that what expected.

I focused past the support under my feet and found his face distinguishable at the bottom, his brow heavy with worry and his hands reaching up in a reflective gesture to catch me. I felt a little more assured, seeing that I wasn’t that far and he was getting closer and closer with every shaky step I took. I tried to steady my breathing again and forced my arms and legs to give a last effort not to let go of the earth in front of me. I felt the little tug at my hip that indicated that the rope wouldn’t move further down. I looked up and saw the woman giving me the thumbs up (I supposed) for me to undo the wrap in my hip. I took a deep breath as I released the bag first, but I wasn’t fast enough to catch it before it plummeted down. I saw Sunggyu jump back and reach for it, grasping it hastily before it hit the ground.

“Careful Jong” he said looking back at me “don’t let go of the rope when you unfasten the-“

“Hyung, I’m gonna fall!” I blurted out, both my hands clutching at the stony wall.

“No, you won’t, don’t worry. It’s not that high, Jong, look down at me and see for yourself”   

I did so. He was really close actually, his hands extended towards me as a father waiting for his child to jump into his arms. Even in that moment I had the enough reasoning capability to snort at the image.

“Ok,” I breathed out “I’m letting go now”

I gripped the rope and planted me feet as firmly as I could before unlatching the hook and undoing the loop around my hip, immediately after propelling myself from the wall softly and letting myself fall. I felt hyung’s arms colliding with my ribs and hooking under my armpits just before my feet hit the ground, the impact of the fall now diminished. My legs gave out in a shaky collapse though, and I let out the air stuck in my chest. A hand ruffled my hair violently.

“See, you did it just fine” Sunggyu said, sounding more relieved than anything.

The woman sent us the other bag, having untied the rope from the post so it would reach us. Once we were all settled up to go, we waved at her and signed what we expected she would understand as thanks. She waved back and gave us both what we thought were the thumbs up before shooing us so we wouldn’t get more delayed.

When we turned around, and even before the dead and gray sight in front of us, I couldn’t help a little smile in my face. It was relieving to know there were still good natured people around.

\--

“How sure are you that we won’t find anymore outlaws?”

“Not even 50%” I replied honestly.

“Is it really so dangerous to take the smaller routes?”

“I don’t know them, and we have a really long way ahead to be trying our luck”

“But what if we bump into a group?”

“Let’s hope we don’t, Jong”

“But what if we _do_ , hyung?”

“I don’t know Sungjong, we run, we cut their heads off-“

“I’m being serious” he spat.

I turned to him about to answer, but his worried eyes stopped me from letting out the ‘so am I’ that was hanging from my tongue. I sighed instead “Look, I know it’s not very reassuring, but it’s really risky to go for the inside ways when we’re so far away from our next stop. We tried last time, with a distance half of this one or even less, and we almost got lost, remember?”

“But that was because we found ourselves surrounded by piles of rotting bodies. We weren’t quite planning that”

“What did I tell you about planning ahead? You can’t expect things to be as you expect them to be anymore, Jong”

“But… I just… Ugh” he sighed loudly “I don’t trust this way”

“I don’t trust either of the options” I answered “But we have to take one, and taking into consideration the length of the trip, I simply chose the fastest one. Besides it means the possibility of another relatively big town with established groups that could give us a hand”

He seemed to think over it for a while, before throwing his head back with a soft groan “Yeah, I guess… But if we _do_ bump into some ugly stuff we should take the insiders” he looked at me with mixed determination and pleading “At least until the following big town”

“Mh… Ok” I nodded, to what he nodded back “For now though, let’s focus on finding anything with a roof”

“Oh yeah, let’s try not to freeze to death tonight” he muttered as if he had just remembered that tiny detail.

Our main priority at the moment was to find somewhere to spend the night. It was getting late, the sky darkening slowly but steady, the temperature dropping alarmingly and the air fuzzily sparkling with the hints of light snow.

The road was clear at the moment, we hadn’t bumped into anything out of the ordinary, not a soul, but the buildings had stopped a while ago, and now there was nothing but the bases of shattered structures, the ruins of the burnt walls rarely reaching beyond our heads. We had been warned by the people at the last town that there was a patch of total desolation this way, caused by a massive explosion and a huge fire back at the beginning of the disaster, and all whipped clean by colossal storms soon after. So I was hoping we would walk past it soon enough, or we’ll be facing a little problem.

I saw Sungjong shake from a big shiver by my side, and then walking closer to me. I pushed him close to me and pressed our pace a little quicker, both to raise our body temperature and leave the area faster. I spotted a high wall, burnt black and with a massive hole, but tall enough to give me some hope. The ruins started to raise in height after that, slowly beginning to show more and more composed structures, still holes here and there, but progressively improving.

I was starting to have some difficulties to see clearly when my dongsaeng pulled rigidly from my sleeve.

“Hyung, there!” he whispered as he pointed a shaky finger to a side street “The buildings look better that way”

He was right, there were a few houses with their walls complete and no apparent holes on the roofs. I pushed him to the side and hurried to the first building I deemed stable and safe, entering the place quietly and slowly, as usual, before checking the insides and finding the safest spot to let our guards down and doze off.

We settled in the little cabin under some stairs, arranging our bags to use them as support and enveloping ourselves in the thick blankets we carried with us. Once we were tightly bundled together and as warm as we could get, we allowed ourselves to relax a little.

We took turns as always, Sungjong first, then me. When morning came and the outside was distinguishable again, we downed a cereal bar and half a bottle of water between the two of us and restarted our walk.

The moment we stepped out the little house, the grayish veil of the night’s snow greeted us in all its frozen placidity.

I took a second to watch, to just stand and contemplate, to let myself feel the misleading sense of peace that the mocking snow painted all over the crumbled scenery. The picture of destruction and desolation around us was hidden under the thin layer of pale stillness, of soothing languidness. The place was painted white, covered under the soft blanket of the frozen, innocent looking toxic. It was like the fixing a corpse for a funeral, it made it look better, but it was still dead.

 


	13. The end of the snow

So far, the advantages of the big roads had been only so beneficial. We were moving rather smoothly, the lane big and clear, no major obstacles or interruptions, no massive ruptures or collapses. But the cities hadn’t been so good. The first one was a shady one, on the small side and not looking good on the organization side; the second one wasn’t there anymore.

Right now we were walking our way into a third one, and it didn’t look too eager to change our luck. To make it better, the skies were starting to look harder and darker, a sign of an incoming storm of some kind. I really hoped it would be quick and light, we had some places to take refuge, but we still didn’t know how much we could trust the place.

“Is there going to be a storm, hyung?” Sungjong asked from my side once we were roaming through the streets among the darkened buildings.

I turned to him and saw he was looking upwards with a worried face.

“Yes, I fear so” I replied, actually feeling a little glad that he was attentive enough to pick up the signals.

“Then we better hurry up and try to find the people”

“I’m not sure about that”

“What? Why?”

“It’s just… This place is giving me he same creepy feeling that rotten place gave me back then”

There was silence for a little while, before Sungjong’s voice reached me again, soft and nervous.

“What do you mean? Are you sure? Did you see something?”

“No, not so far. And I haven’t heard anything either”

“Maybe we’re just at the wrong side…” he trailed off.

None of us were too fond of the memories that the sick city had left us, the mere thought gave me the shivers, so it wasn’t weird for him to get nervous at the probability of something similar happening again. I didn’t want to get him on edge for nothing, but I’d rather have him extra cautious and not expecting to find a friendly bunch with such security. He had to lower his optimism a little. Now, that didn’t mean I was lying, I was really beginning to get suspicious, but it was true that we might have been walking around the wrong side.

“Well, let’s try another direction then. Let’s see, this should be the western side… So let’s go over there” I pointed to a side street and started walking slowly and silently between the empty buildings.

We didn’t have much time to explore though, the wind had started to pick up alarmingly, and in no more than ten minutes, we were holding our jackets close to us and narrowing our eyes to avoid the dust and sleet that flew aggressively towards our faces. Keeping our balance also got harder in each step, even worse with the weight of the bags on our backs.

As we walked through a narrow street, I could see little objects sliding through the street swiftly, the lighter ones already flying around. The signs and publicity boards that were still in their places swung and swayed precariously, the rusted metal screeching in complaint. Higher up, we could see what seemed like currents of trash floating in the wind, barely visible against the thick and agitated roof of clouds. I wondered what exactly was all that, suspecting that the distance was lessening the size of the warning.

A loud bang caught my attention, and I saw a medium sized drawer that wasn’t there before, smashed at the other side of the street.

“We need to find somewhere to hide” I said more to the floor than Sungjong, trying not to open my mouth too much.

“What?” the sound of the wind muffled my dongsaeng’s voice.

“Just start lo-“ A heavy wall of frozen air hit us from the side, making me stumble and almost lose my footing. I planted my feet firmly and tried again “Look for-“

“Gah!” a loud metal clattering and some distant splashing echoed along the kid’s yelp.

I turned around to find Sungjong’s head and arms peeking from the opening of the wide sewers of the street, his thin hands desperately scraping the ground in search of something to hold onto.

“What the-?! Jong!” I ran to him, slipping a few times before clashing onto the asphalt.

The wind wouldn’t relent, on the contrary, it kept speeding up, pushing and pulling with more strength. The thin snow that flew over the waves of air kept accumulating and melting over everything, making it really hard to hold onto anything and even stand up properly. I tried to rise to my feet, only to be pushed to the side again, crashing against the door of a twisted car.

“Hyung, I can’t get out!” I heard him calling.

I focused on him and tried to move forward, my feet sliding in every possible direction as I used the wasted vehicle as support. When I reached the trunk, I let the bag drop from my shoulders and got on my knees and hands, slowly crawling my way to what I thought was Sungjong's figure. I could barely open my eyes anymore, dust and sleet hitting my face continuously, so I tried to hear my dongsaeng’s calls to guide me better. When I finally reached one of his trembling hands, I tried to set my feet on the ground as firmly as I could to pull him up, but it was near impossible.

“Fucking shit!” I grumbled at my third slip.

“Hyung, the edges!” I heard him say in a frantic voice.

I listened to him, and placed my boots over the edges of the hole, avoiding the remains of the metal grills. I held him under his arms and pulled up as hard as I could. I managed to lift him up enough for him to get his own feet on the asphalt again, and propel himself back up.

We had to crawl back, the wind already strong enough to lift things from the street. A piece of the metal mesh clashed against the wall, the clanging sound resonating under the constant howl of the storm, a dented trash can followed after, rolling loudly over the street with the swiftness of a paper ball.

I hurried to catch the bag I had dropped, as I could see it was starting to lose against the push of the wind. The weather was worsening with every second that rolled past, the pressure against my chest strong enough to give me a sense of suffocation, and my legs not able to sustain me straight. We were bending over, faces down and slowly making our way to the sidewalk. I attempted to look up in search of somewhere to hide. The storm wouldn’t give us a break, the thin snow progresively morphing into cold droplets of water; it was barely starting and if the wind kept picking up its speed, then our best option was to get ourselves into a basement or something below the level of the street.

From all the doors I could see, that weren’t that many, only a few stood still firm on their hinges. And among those, I could only guess which ones lead to a building with a lower level.

The wind changed its course yet again, and some doors flew open so violently that I saw one being ripped off and almost split in half before starting to move away. But the dark and stony glimpse I could catch from the one right beside that one lifted my hopes immediately, as it revealed the first steps of a shady stair that led downwards. Looking above, I noticed the dirty, dark pieces of what seemed to have been a small neon sing. All in all, it looked like some underground thing, literally _and_ figuratively.

_Shady place… A bar? A strip club?_

Sadly, before I could do anything, it slammed shut again. 

“Hyung!”

I turned and found Sungjong pointing alarmed to my other side. When I looked around, I was barely able to avoid the half-bicycle that was quickly hauled across the pavement. The moment I moved, though, I lost my footing and felt myself being swept aside and swiftly pushed back until I hit a wall. I felt how I rolled against it, unable to hold my ground and hurriedly made a grab for anything that could be of any support. I ended up holding onto the thick handle of a narrow door, so I pulled myself closer until I half-hid behind the indent of the doorframe in the wall, plastering myself against the hard surface. I looked up and noticed with pleasant surprise that I had actually hit the same dark, battered door that opened to the stairs.

“Jong!” I tried to call, but felt my voice go away with the wind.

Sungjong was really close, crouched down and attaching himself with all he had onto the remains of the car that barely covered him. He was looking at me with confusion and worry, his arms shaking from the effort and his feet sliding through the wet ground. I tried to nudge the door in with my butt, pushing with my hands against the wall and my feet against the ground. It was firmly shut, probably being stuck shut by the wind itself, but when I felt it give in a mere centimeter against my insistence, I doubled my efforts and hit against it. Sungjong saw this and begun to crawl towards me, hanging onto anything he came across, be it a car, a lamp post, the bar of a long gone transit sign, before jumping his way to the wall and sinking his fingers into my jacket.

From the corner of my eyes, I saw something descending from above and fly towards us. I docked down and heard the crashing of whatever it was over my head, before it fell heavy on my back and to the ground. The next second, I had a handful of Sungjong hitting against me and the back of my head colliding with the door.

“What are you doing?” I practically yelled.

“That thing almost kills me!”

“Wha-?” a huge sign appeared from above, twirling heavily as it approached with misleading smoothness “Get down!” I hauled him down with me, when the big metal board bounced on the wall above the door and diverted to the street, embedding itself violently into the useless car my dongsaeng had been using as refuge not long ago.

I was pushing the big door open, fighting against the wind that kept it closed, when, yet again, Sungjong slammed against me from the back. I didn’t ask this time, knowing he was probably trying to avoid getting hit by something. When I managed to make the door move inwards, the storm hit again with a violent push of the wind and I felt my feet slide on the wet ground. I fell on my side and the door slammed shut on my arm. I would have protested any other moment, but right then I was only glad I had managed to keep it open. I insisted from the ground, making my way in halfway before climbing up and making room for Sungjong to enter. My efforts were proved unnecessary, however, when the wind changed its course one more time and swung the door open and out of my grasp. We were pushed inside, barely managing to hold onto the doorframe to avoid rolling down the long stairs.

“Ok, help me close-“ I gasped when a wooden box impacted loudly above us.

I jolted in slight surprise, but Sungjong reacted a little wider, jumping forward and landing barely on the edge of the first step of the stairs. I saw him wobbling, his arms flailing to hold onto something, but before I could reach for his hand, his feet slipped on the wet floor and he plummeted down the narrow stairs.

“Jong!” I tried to descend after him.

I heard his first surprised gasp, followed by a heavy bang and a pained scream, after that there was a clutter of hits and grunts, stone steps and metal railing, and a final pained squeak with the sound of his body hitting the bottom. I kept my hasty race downstairs, slipping here and there, my clumsy stomping mingling with the muffled whining that came from the darkness below and the clattering and howling from the storm above. When the steps finally ended and I bumped against the soft body of Sungjong, I kneeled and blindly searched for his arms, but his escalating whimpers were making me anxious. I heard the door slamming close again as I took my bag off and searched for the flashlight while I gave a few deep coughs. I impatiently turned it on and pointed it to the huddled figure that was my dongsaeng while trying to make him face me.

“Jong, what is it?” I pulled at his arm and making him uncurl a little, his face wet with tears “Show me where did-?” I saw his hand, more precisely his fingers, two of them twisted in ways they shouldn’t be, and winced “Ah, shit, Jongie”

He only whimpered louder and tried to snatch his hand back, but I held it firmly and pulled him closer to me, locking his arm with mine and pushing his face against my shoulder and securing it with my other arm around his head. I grabbed his injured hand with both of mine, accommodating my fingers around his the best way I could.

“Hyung…” he sobbed between a few coughs, pleading eyes blinking teary at me.

“Sorry, Jongie, you can bite all you want, and you can hit me afterwards”

“W-what?” I saw the alarmed quiver in his eyes before he started trying to push me away, but I only held on tighter.

“Sorry” I gritted again and I squeezed and pulled his crooked fingers brusquely in my hands, hearing and _feeling_ the crack as the thin bones snapped back in place between my fingers. His pained scream was drowned in my jacket as he hit and scratched at my neck and face with his free hand. Two seconds later he was sobbing again into my shoulder, his shaky hand still in mi hold as I rubbed the quickly bruising fingers with utmost care “There, it’s fixed now, ok? It’s done, that’s it, it’s done” I whispered into his hair.

I kept rubbing his back and his hand, trying to soothe him as I tried to keep my nerves under control. I had been in the necessity of doing the same thing some time before, the first aiding was a common necessity and I had volunteered to learn and practice it when I had the opportunity. I had fixed crooked fingers, patched nasty burns and infected wounds, and even helped accommodating dislocated shoulders and broken noses without batting an eyelash. But these thin fingers shaking between my hands were Sungjong’s, not a stranger’s, and it was his sobs and his whimpering I was hearing. My stomach was still a little heavy with restlessness by the time he calmed down, his shaky breathing slowly relenting and the wet sniffing sounding less and less under the raged noises from outside. He finally relaxed into my hold and groaned nasally.

“That hurt” he complained with a congested voice, lightly kicking my leg with his foot.

“I know, but I had to” I looked at his hand and inspected it closely “It’s swelling, but I think it’ll be fine, we should wrap the fingers, just in case…”

“Mkay” he mumbled into my jacket “… Still hurts”

“It will hurt for a while, just don’t move it too much-” a loud bang had us jumping in our place, then there was another impact accompanied by the screech of metal against metal and another crash. The sudden current of frozen wind invaded the long and narrow space and started pushing the cold droplets of rain water in.

Sungjong shivered and nuzzled further into my arms as the booming sound of a long and heavy thunder shook the air around us and buried the chaotic clashing of objects outside.

“We should close the door” he said.

“Yeah, but… I think something got in”

“Huh?” he looked up “Oh, something…?”

“Yes, dammit, I don’t know what that is but it looks big and quite stuck”

He groaned and twisted a little, huffing in annoyance and shivering some more.

“It’s freaking cold!”

“Yeah, and by the sounds there must be a hell of a storm out there” the door seemed to be fighting against the object that was obstructing it, hitting over and over again against the wall and whatever it was stuck in the entrance “Maybe I should try move that thing out and close it”

“What? No hyung, that could be dangerous”

“We need that door closed, Sungjong, the storm could get worse… No, it _will_ get worse and anything could come in flying, or we could just freeze to death-“

“And what if something hits you when you’re up there? Or if the wind pulls you out?”

Before I could answer, another clash sounded upstairs. Another big object had collided with the first one, pushing it further inside and almost sending it down the stairs. We held our breaths for a few seconds until it seemed still stuck enough.

“Forget about something flying in, I’d rather not have that thing fall on our heads, so…” I pushed him off me softly and stood up.

“Wait hyung! What if it falls on you?”

“Don’t worry Jong, I’ll push it form the side if I can, you be alert in case it falls in” I said over my shoulder as I made my way up against the cold push of the wind.

I slipped a few times, the floor wet and the wind harsher with every step up I took. I had made it almost half way up and I was having serious problems with staying on my feet, the current was seriously strong and hitting me straight up front, the water jumping at my face and numbing my hands, that were clawing unsteadily onto the railing.

“Hyung!” I heard Sungjong call again “Hyung wait!”

“I’m half way Jong, might as well-!”

“There’s a door down here!”

“Wh-What?” I turned towards him and almost lose my footing while doing so.

“Here!” he pointed the torch further into the dark, narrow space “There’s a door! Please come back, we can hide there!”

I didn’t have much time to think about it, as the harsh screech of the metal behind me made me almost jump the way back down. When I reached the bottom, Sungjong pointed again to the shadowy passage, and there it was, not three meters away, a narrow door as dark as the walls around it, a heavy metal handle and a round dirty window at the top half. We neared it and gave it a tentative push, but it wouldn’t move.

“We must be the most idiotic, blind travelers out there, huh?” he muttered as he moved to the side “Look, there’s another place here”

“Where?”

I saw his silhouette moving among the darkness until the blinding light of the torch illuminated his face and immediately after, all around him. It was a little space that opened to the side of the short corridor, only separated by a little rise of the floor. There was a heavy wooden plaque attached to the walls of a little corner playing as some sort of table, lots of things above and lots underneath.

“Well, it-“ a sudden clatter echoed behind us, and I turned to see that the object blocking the door was now almost balancing over the first step of the stairs, the barely distinguishable shadows of the things being flung by the storm peeking from behind it “Damn, ok, let’s open this” I pushed the door, this time with all my body, but it still didn’t yield.

“What is all this?” I could hear Sungjong saying, to himself or me, I wouldn’t know.

I hit the door again, putting my weight on my side, but it seemed to be locked. I banged my head against it in frustration, not wanting to go up the stairs again, but a little flickering of light flashed behind the foggy glass of the tiny window just before I turned.

“There’s light in there” I whispered, still watching inside “There’s someone in there” I added when the shift of shadows inside caught my attention.

“Hyung…”

“There must be someone in there Jong” I fisted my hand and banged against the door a few times “That’s why it’s locked up”

“Hyung, wait”

I punched the heavy door again, this time louder, but still got no answer. I looked inside but nothing seemed to change, there was the flickering light, and the amorphous shadows moving. There was an urgent pull at my sleeve.

“Hyung, stop that and look at this”

“What is it?”

“All these things” he pulled me to the little space at the side, and illuminated the pile of things on and under the wooden table “It’s… weird”

“What do you mean?” I looked closely and started picking some things up. There were like discarded unused objects, from rusted cans to a wrist watch, going through shoes, empty bags, a few belts, empty water bottles “Is this like their daily dumpster or something?” I crouched down to see the big space underneath and I found more shoes and boots too, but also clothes, lots of it, most of the huge pile were clothing of all kinds “What is this about?” I mumbled as I started picking randomly at the fabrics.

“I don’t like this hyung” Sungjong whispered, his voice barely audible among the constant chaos that came from upstairs.

_Well I’m not liking this either…_

As I rummaged through the clothes one thing was made evident; whoever owned it was surely in bad shape. Most of it was ragged, cuts and rips here and there, but the most obvious sign was that the big majority was bloodied. I was about to stop my inspection when something thin like strands of thread got caught in my fingers. I tried to pull my hand free, but it was somewhat sticky, so I signaled to Sungjong to hand me the torch and pointed the light to see better.

“What the..? Oh, holy fuck!” I shook my hand furiously and fell on my butt.

“What is it?” Sungjong kneeled by my side.

“That… Shit, there’s hair in there, and it’s all freaking bloodied”

“Oh my god, do you think there’s a dead body in there?”

I glanced at him, his face twisted in panic and disgust, and then back at the pile of clothes.

“Don’t think so…”

“It’s big enough to hide one” he argued taking a step back.

“We’ve both poked around it and didn’t find any corpse, so I doubt there’s one”

“Then what is that hair doing there?” he practically squeaked.

“Just… I think we running out of luck again, Sungjong. You know what this looks like?” I nodded to both of the piles “Like the leftovers of a nasty fight, that’s what it looks like”

“A fight? So, you mean…?” he threw a wary glance to the narrow door and back to me with guarded eyes “The people in there… You think they’re violent?”

“That or they just have a pretty twisted sense of fashion” I said picking up a shirt with a big bloody hole in the area of the stomach “I prefer not to take any chances, but-“

A thunderous crash boomed from the door that led outside, followed by a high-pitched screech and more slams. The noise seemed to be approaching quickly, and I could feel the walls vibrating notoriously with every crash. We both recoiled into the little corner, covering our ears with our hands to block the loud racket, but it stopped almost as suddenly as it started. I waited no more than an instant before I crawled forward and peeked to the stairs, only to be met with a solid-looking form big enough to occupy half the space between the walls looming over the first steps of the stairs.

The shocked gasp to my side told me that Sungjong had followed me.

“Holy shit…” he breathed out.

“Well, at least it’s no longer blocking the door”

“What is it?”

“I’m not sure”

I couldn’t discern what it was and I couldn’t use the flashlight in case the people from inside saw, but it wasn’t really a major concern either, only that it was big, seemingly heavy and metallic and precariously held in place.

“It’s… stuck again, with the walls” my dongsaeng said.

“Yeah, but who knows for how much longer”

“Well, it’ll be a little difficult to get out now”

“It’s not like we could have gotten out in the first place” I retreated to the hidden corner and sat on the floor, Sungjong following me immediately, surely not wanting to be under the looming object any longer “We’re still stuck in here until the storm stops” I sighed.

“What about the people in there?”

“Let’s hope we go unnoticed” I said as I raised my eyes to the window of the door. There was a face looking from the inside.

“But wh-?”

“Don’t!” I gritted between my teeth, a hand flying to hold his arm “Don’t speak, don’t move” I whispered as loud as I could so he would hear me over the noise.

I could feel my heart racing in my chest as the face looked with an affronted expression in the direction of the stairs, surely having noticed the huge box of metal hanging meters from their door. The person inched closer and turned back, then again to the corridor. It was a man, that much I could tell, and he was talking to someone behind him. When he disappeared from the window, I let out the air I was keeping in my chest, thankful that we had retreated to the little lateral nook.

“Do you think they’ll come out?” Sungjong asked hurriedly.

“I really hope not, but we should hide in case they do” I looked around us for a place to hide in, but it was a really small space, maybe two meters square.

“But where?” he urged.

I looked to our side, to the pile of clothing under the wooden plank.

_Well, it’s that, the gang or the storm…Fuck our luck_

I pulled at my companion’s arm and signaled the heap of things. He looked at me with a frown and shook his head resolutely. I pulled harder and dragged him along.

“No, hyung! Not in there!” he protested in a low voice.

“Where else do you suggest we hide then?”

I pushed most of the clothes aside, making sure there were no more nasty surprises at sight, and crawled under the table. I accommodated myself the best I could, my bag under my head and my legs a little bent, and waved Sungjong to come over. He hesitated a little before making a strangled noise in his throat and complying. I put his bag between my feet and pulled him over me, cradling him between my bent legs and arms and I could hear him blabbering curse after curse in a squeaky, indignant tone. Once we were settled, I started covering us with the discarded clothes, trying to hide all of us under the most clean-looking layers of fabric.

After we finished and the rustling and moving ended, our own silence felt heavy around us. The storm still crashed outside, the sky rumbling with thunders and the wind throwing everything around. As I was resting my side against the wall, I could feel the trembling of the building after every impact, and I could hear clearly every time the door up there swung open or slammed closed.

“This is so awkward” I heard Sungjong whisper in my shoulder.

The position we were was a little awkward, yes, but it was the most comfortable one I could think of while burying ourselves under bloody clothes.

“Deal with it, I’m bottoming here anyway”

I heard and felt him snort into my neck.

\--

I would never admit to it, but lying over Sunggyu was actually really comfortable… And warm… And soothing. I felt so much at ease that I let myself melt into his hold not long after I had stated the awkwardness of the position, and at some point I lost track of the time and shut off my sense of alert to get distracted by the monotony of his existence, from the rise and fall of his chest pushing against me, the minimal thump of the beating of his heart against my own chest, the whispering of his breathing, the gently enveloping warmth that radiated from him, the steady presence of his arms around me.

I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep until I found myself blinking awake, my chest shaken lightly and my hair ruffled by what sounded like muffled coughs. It took me a bit to understand that they didn’t come from me but from Sunggyu.

My arms and neck felt sore, and I could feel the cold air around me, waiting for me to move a tiny millimeter out of the thin cover of warmth to bite at my skin. Very slowly, my body started awakening after my brain, sending me a very confusing report of its state. I felt mostly warm and comfy, but sore and numb, I couldn’t feel my hands too well and my feet were in a really uncomfortable position, but still too weak to move. My surroundings were dark and quiet, the ghostly presence of hyung already ignored by my senses as it had been there for way too long to be considered as something foreign, the only thing I precisely felt was the humid sensation of his still coarse breathing near my ear.

I tried to unfold my arms as I lifted my head a little, joints cracking all over and the cold finally finding its way to my sleepy senses. The heavy warmth that had been hyung’s arms moved from my back, leaving a trail of chilly air instead, and his hands appeared on my head ruffling my hair softly, and patting the back of my shoulder.

“Hey” he whispered practically into my ear, and it was then I realized everything was dead quiet around us “Storm’s over… I think some water got in though”

I grunted in response, still too groggy to form coherent words but awake enough to understand him. I tried to place my head back on his shoulder, but he shifted, groaning as he stretched his back the best he could. I looked up at him, only to find out that I couldn’t see a thing, his face barely distinguishable even if it was mere centimeters away from mine.

“It’s dark” I tried whispering, a croaky noise mixed into the breathy sound.

“Give it a second and you’ll see a little better… well kind of”

“Is it night already?”

“Very probable” he shifted again “No one came out so far”

“Out?” I blinked confused before it all started working regularly in my head again “Oh, right” I tried to shake the lingering drowsiness off me.

“But… We can’t stay here”

“I know” I answered, not quite understanding what he meant.

“A little before you woke up I heard something from the inside” he clarified, a soft sliver of his voice filtering into his whisper “I don’t know what they’re planning to do, but we can’t be here when they come out”

“But… You mean we should go?”

“Yeah”

“As in… Now?”

“Well…” I saw his head turn to the side and then back to me “Both options are bad, if we leave now, it’ll be pitch black outside and frozen cold too, not to mention the fact that it must be a wreck after the storm. But if we stay and they come out…”

“We can stay hidden”

“Yeah, but we don’t know if they’ll find us, if they check this stuff often or what. And supposing they don’t see us, we need to get out of here sometime soon, I know I’m comfy but your feathery weight kinda vanishes after the first hour”

I clicked my tongue and slapped his arm weakly with a restricted move of my hand.

“We can wait until they clear the entrance to leave” I still offered.

“And when will that be? We won’t know where they are, how many left will there be inside. They would be roaming around outside-“

Something hit against the door closest to us and we both sucked a mouthful of air and froze. Not a minute had passed when another sound, much softer, came from the other side, and then there was silence again. We let some minutes go by in quietness before speaking again.

“Pretty much the same I heard before” he whispered “It’s like someone’s bumping against the door and then leaving”

“But there are no voices or anything else?”

“No, not a single sound”

“Was this a bar before?”

“Huh? I… Suppose it was something like that, yes, why?”

“Maybe that’s why we can’t hear from inside?”

“It’s a theory” I felt him shrug “And it would explain how they don’t seem to know about us out here even with the graceful entrance we made”

“And to think we used the torches and all, how didn’t they see us?”

“Maybe they weren’t paying attention to the door, who knows? Let’s hope they really don’t know about us”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, maybe they saw us but didn’t want to get out with the storm outside and just don’t give a fuck about us”

“That wouldn’t be that bad”

“Yeah, except that if they find us here with the storm gone they’ll start giving a few fucks maybe”

“Oh”

“Yeah… How is your hand?”

“Huh? Oh, it’s… kind of numb actually, but I think I feel it throbbing a little”

“We’ll wrap it with something when we can”

“Ok-“

A thump startled us, my instincts plastering me against Sunggyu’s chest to hide in our hideout, and a high pitched screeching sound invaded the previous silence. As if someone had turned on the sound, a wave of voices and movement made its way to us.

“Wait!” a voice called “Why are you so fucking rushed, man? It’s not going to fall on our heads!”

“Well I don’t want to bet on it either!” another, closer, answered.

“Come back in here! Let me put my damn shoes and we’ll go”

“Well, hurry up!”

“If you’re so fucking bored go burn that trash you piled up there! Why do you even bring it?”

“What trash-?” the screeching noise returned and the slam of the door drowned all the sounds into nothing, letting the silence settle back.

Three breaths was all hyung waited to start moving.

“We’re getting out of here now” he said as he pushed all the ragged clothes off.

He sat up and slipped out of the trashy nook and pulled me up with him, picking the bags and securing them on both of us in record time. Two little steps and we were facing the door again, the faint yet disturbing splash of the water under our feet and the faint glow of a light flickering from the other side of the dirty window.

“Are you sure of this hyung?” I whispered, eyeing worriedly the sparkling of the thin layer of water under the almost inexistent glow that came from the little window.

“Not at all” he pulled at my healthy hand and we approached the silhouette of the big obstruction still looming over the stairs “Ok, uh…” I heard the hurry in him, surely trying to quickly find the safest way to pass through.

I threw nervous glances over my shoulder every two seconds, half expecting to find a face watching us every time I turned to the door, until Sunggyu finally pulled at my hand again, hunching until he was almost on his knees in front of the big metallic object.

He seemed to be inspecting the size of the space left between the wall, the steps and the beaten metallic object. It was stuck in diagonal, leaving the bottom right corner of the corridor clear but narrow. We could also climb over it, through the top left part, as it looked more spacious and there wasn’t the threat of the thing falling on our heads.

“Hyung, why don’t we climb over it instead?”

“It’ll make more noise” was all he said before he slid under the structure slowly.

“Careful!” I whispered, now dividing my growing fear between the door and my hyung crawling under a good four dozen kilograms.

When his shadow disappeared from my terribly limited eyesight, I instinctively walked forward in an attempt of following him. I heard his hushed voice from the other side, the hint of his feet moving under the big obstruction, and I supposed he was calling me, so I slid myself through the narrow space. I hadn’t finished crawling when he grabbed my arm and pulled me out and up the stairs.

As we left the immediate proximity of the poorly lit door, the darkness swallowed us. We got to the first door, hitting the steps with our feet to avoid missing one and our hands blindly following the walls, and pushed tentatively against it. It was almost as heavy and uncooperative as before. We pushed harder and it started giving in, but the moment it moved, the loud complaining of the hinges had us looking back in mild panic. No one was down there, but we still hurried a little more. Sunggyu ended up pushing me away, murmuring something about watching my hand, and opened the door only enough for us to slip out.

Pitch black. Everything around us was absolute darkness. It was like trying to watch with your eyes closed, I couldn’t distinguish a single thing, not even my hand waving right in front of my face. I felt a heavy weight pressing against my chest, fear running along with my blood as the absolute uncertainty of what was right next to me crawled up my spine. I suddenly felt alone and lost, floating into a gap that could harbor anything, as well as nothing at all. The need to find, to _see_ Sunggyu overtook me when I realized I couldn’t see him and I needed his presence to make me feel anchored to him and not drifting away.

“Ok… Ok” Sunggyu’s breathy voice, shaking slightly with maybe too many things, came from my side, followed by his evident rustling into his bag “Hold onto me. We have to get away from here now, now, now-”

“Hyung…” I tried, my voice a mere thread of broken sound as I flailed my hand in frantic search of him “I can’t see anything” I finally found his arm, moving vigorously, and latched onto it.

“I know, just wait…” he made some more noises, until a little whisper of triumph halted it “Here”

The blinding blast of light had me gasping in surprise until I realized it was the torch in my hyung’s hands. The contrast was so grand that I felt we could be seen from miles away… We probably could.  

Sunggyu pointed the light downwards to unveil the chaos that the streets were after the storm. It was flooded, little objects and pieces of bigger ones floating or peeking from the surface of the dark, still water that covered the ground.

“Oh no, no, no, hyung” I squeezed his arm “We can’t-“

“We have to Jong, don’t worry it’s not deep” he urged, gingerly descending the tiny, only step that separated us from the sidewalk.

It didn’t look deep, and I confirmed it when my feet landed unsure over the water. It might have been only a centimeter over the sidewalk, a few more on the street, but it was enough to hide the ground.

“What if it gets in our boots?”

“Let’s hope it doesn’t”

“It will”

 “Well then we need to hurry”

“Where?”

“Just away from-“ a creaking sound echoed a little behind, I recognized the sound of the door down the stairs “Move!” Sunggyu ushered, pulling me behind him as he quickly tiptoed away.

I knew we needed to turn the first corner we found, to hide the dancing light that guided us through the shadowed place, and we had to be a quiet as we could, because the absolute silence that surrounded us made every little breath painfully loud. I almost preferred turning the light off and avoid getting seen, but the nothingness that had greeted us the moment we slipped through that door had been suffocating and downright terrifying.

The compressed patch of vision we had shook with our pace and Sunggyu’s anxious hold, bringing to life shadows and silhouettes from every corner and nook, mixing figures into our frantic sight and creating forms where there was none. I could feel my heart beating rapidly, pumping all it could to my legs to move faster and my senses to feel more, but it ended up making my limbs shake and my perception trick my brain. I saw eyes and faces were there was nothing but trash and rubble, a twisted body instead of a twisted bicycle, a crooked hand in place of a floating plastic plant.

We had finally turned a corner, and now we were speeding down another street, still trying to be silent but gaining urgency with every step we splashed. I felt my fingers go a little numb under the strength I was pressing into Sunggyu’s arm, my feet occasionally bumping with his and making me stumble against him. I could hear his own labored breathing while the sharp and heavy steadiness he forced into his body held a comforting grip on my own swaying state.

We could still hear the erratic sounds behind us, mingled voices, moving objects, slams, curses, all hiding, I hoped, the frantic noises of our hurried feet against the water.

I wasn’t counting blocks or streets, so I felt a little disoriented when hyung stopped abruptly and turned around, the splash of light flying all around us in a whole turn before he moved to the side.

“Where are you going?” I asked him in a high pitched mumble that I could not tame.

“We can’t leave yet, we need to wait until morning”

“Are we gonna stay here?”

“We have to… But we need to hide”

“Upstairs” I pulled at his arm a few times “Now we need to go upstairs”

“That’s right, some apartment building…” he made another round of search with the flashlight, this time slower.

“That one looks fine” I pointed to a small three to four floor building a bit ahead.

“Ok, let’s go”

The first floor, at the same level than the street, had the same thin layer of water, but we could go up the first floor without problems and settled into the furthest room, draping the blankets over us. It took a while until our breathing settled down and our legs stopped shaking with the need to run.

“Do you think we have time to sleep?” I wondered a few minutes into the silence.

“I have no idea. You try to catch some sleep, I’ll keep an eye open” he reassured, adjusting the blanket.

“We can take turns, like always” I offered, trying to ignore the weight of the little escapade over my nerves.

“Ok, you sleep first then, I’ll wake you up”

“Yeah” I relaxed against his side and let my eyes close. I focused on both our steadily beating hearts for a while, my breathing unconsciously trying to match his until he cleared his throat loudly and dissolved into a little coughing fit. I patted his back softly “You ok, hyung?”

“Yeah” he croaked.

I waited for him to regain his normal breathing before I spoke up again.

“Do you think they were really outlaws?”

“I don’t know”

“What if they weren’t and we fled for nothing?”

He sighed.

“Who knows, Jong? All I know is that we can’t afford to take the risk right now”

“Ok, just wondering” I shrugged.

“I know”

His feet tapped softly against the floor, the noises of the people back there still popping randomly, though fading slowly.

“I guess we won’t be having more snow from now on…”

“No, don’t think so”

“It was pretty”

“Yeah…”

"And peaceful"

"Deceptively so" he cleared his throat again.

“Now it’ll start raining again”

“Probably”

“Crazy weather”

“Everything has gone crazy, Jongie”

I grumbled in response, he coughed a little more.

 


	14. A corrosive slip

He didn’t wake me up in the end, I woke up being shaken by his shifting. I actually let myself scold him lightly, because it was already day time and we hadn’t taken turns at all.

“You were complaining in your sleep, Sungjong, your hand was hurting and I preferred to let you sleep the pain off instead of making you deal with it as I slept” he shrugged it off.

“You need to sleep a little hyung” I retorted while we picked up our stuff to start moving “You didn’t sleep down there and you didn’t sleep here either”

“Don’t worry, I think we’re not far from the next stop”

And with that, we resumed our journey. We didn’t bump into anyone on our way out, luckily or not, and found the big road soon enough. As we left the crooked structures and flooded streets behind and immersed ourselves in between smaller walls, the landscape before us got clearer and wider with each step we took. In little time we were able to see the horizon in front of us, a shabby line diffused and hard to distinguish into the gray versus gray of the sky and the earth. Some shapes would peak out from time to time, chilling skeletal resemblance in a few of them had me wanting to change our directions. ‘ _Those’re buildings Jongie’_ Sunggyu had snorted amusedly at my uneasiness. They probably were, but something in the thin, twisted forms sent shivers down my spine.

I also noticed that my hyung was having some troubles with his throat, clearing it rather often, coughing even when hadn’t have any physical exertion, his sighs more frequent than usual. I was starting to get a little worried, but when I intended to ask, he pointed forward and said to hurry a little so we could reach the city quickly before nightfall.

We hit the city with considerable daytime glow to spare. Our steps were cautious and silent as we navigated between the useless stores and void homes. This time the people found us instead of the other way around, a little group that had gone to look for more stuff to burn bumped into us as we inspected a wooden handmade sign. It had a black, thick arrow pointing diagonally to the left and a big messy “N” besides it. Sunggyu snorted loudly at it as he pointed it at the group of people, once introductions were made and safety insured for both parties.

“We thought it could be useful for travelers” a short woman shrugged.

“It would have been hadn’t we need to stop for the night” he nodded, grimacing a little and closing his eyes briefly before clearing his throat and acting as if nothing was wrong.

“You need place?” another guy said.

“Yes, just for the night, though, we leave the moment we can see” Sunggyu assured with a serious face.

The three locals looked at each other for a second and then back to us, nodding in acceptance.

“Very well then” the woman said “You could help us find something to burn for this night”

“Sure” he nodded.

“Let’s go then” she smiled and started walking away.

We returned practically in the dark. I was starting to get anxious already, as I definitely didn’t like to wander in the night, but I guess no one really did, because the locals also hurried up when the glow of the day started to falter. The settlement was actually quite big and organized. One of our guides for the day told us that they hadn’t have major problems since the ‘Big Disaster’, as they called it, and so they were able to work things out smoothly.

We actually slept on a bed, with pillows and blankets. I still couldn’t sleep well, as Sunggyu’s coughing kept sounding, muffled and contained, in the quiet of the night.

The next morning I woke up to an empty cot beside mine. I hurriedly got up and gathered my stuff, wobbling sleepily outside and looking for my hyung among the few people slowly starting the day. I found him talking with the woman from the day before and another man. They both looked at him with a dead serious face, the woman maybe a little worried, as the man held my hyung’s chin between slender fingers. I approached them slowly, confusion and a little restlessness jerking at my steps a little, sure to watch closely what they did. The man turned Sunggyu’s head a little, prodded his neck, made him widen his eyes with his thumb and then put a hand to his own forehead and then on my hyung’s; all the time Sunggyu trying to politely push him away, but to no avail.

When I reached them, my face had a clear streak of worry and a question half out of my mouth, but Sunggyu didn’t let me speak a word as he said he was ok. I looked at the older man in question, but Sunggyu repeated himself firmly before I could say anything, and asked for my hand instead. I told him it hurt only a bit, to what the other man said the humidity would probably make it worse, but all in all it looked ok. Before my hyung could change the topic, the older man sighed and looked at him pointedly.

“At least do me a favor and start taking care of yourself boy, those bruises are no joke” he said.

“Believe me I’d have avoid them if I could” Sunggyu said back with a withhold snarky tone.

“Where are you going anyway?” the woman asked.

“North” hyung replied curtly, apparently not in the mood for talking.

“To what?” she insisted.

“It doesn’t matter, we need to get there, that’s it”

“Hyung…”

“Look, the trip is a long one-“

“I know that already”

“God, where has the pleasant young man that came here yesterday gone?” she complained, to what Sunggyu just sighed.

“Hyung…”

“Listen boy, the nearest city isn’t recommendable, last group we sent didn’t come back” the other man spoke.

That seemed to get Sunggyu’s attention, his head perking up to look at the man.

“What?”

“We don’t know if something happened there or in the way, but it might be dangerous”

“Where are we going to go, then?” I asked.

“You could take the shorter way-“

“No, it’d be better if they took the normal way” the woman interceded.

“We don’t know what could be waiting on the way Eunju-ah”

“But the short way is not safe either”

“At least they know what to expect form it”

“Not really, it’s barren and destroyed”

“They just have to watch their steps, not their backs”

“And what if the city is all right and it was an accident that delayed the guys?”

“And what if it wasn’t?”

They both fell into a daring silence, exchanging looks of stubborn skepticism as we watched silently.

“Uh…” Sunggyu cleared his throat hoarsely “So, what’s this short way you’re talking about?” he asked, to what the woman threw her hands upwards in a frustrated motion.

\--

The sky was at its brightest when we left the city. The woman, Eunju, kept insisting in us taking care on our way, and to think again if we didn’t prefer taking the way through the other city. It’s not that I underestimated her warnings, you didn’t overlook any warning of any kind, every little hint or comment was to be taken into account and evaluated regarding its probability of accuracy, but weighing both potential dangers, I thought keeping an eye open for a hole in the ground or a safe place to rest was easier than hiding from things we didn’t know a thing about.

I asked Sungjong though, and he seemed to agree with me, evidently not fancying any kind of encounter with unwanted people.

“And here we go again” he muttered under his breath as we made our way to the edge of the city, the lower structures already visible.

“Get ready, it’ll take some time to reach the next supposedly inhabited place”

“Aren’t we taking the short way?”

“Short as in a shortcut, we’re evading a stop and cutting into a straight line, but that also means that, well, we’re avoiding a stop” I shrugged.

“Ah, shit”

I snorted at his snarky attitude and slapped his shoulder playfully.

“Watch your mouth”

\--

Eunju was definitely right when she said the path was barren.

“How sure can we be that there’s really no one around?” Sungjong whispered while we walked past the broken front yard of what had been a school, metal fences bent and corroded.

“I have no idea-” I coughed the last part, not having said anything for a long while had my throat unprepared for talking.

“Are you ok, hyung?”

“Ah, yeah, nothing serious”

“Nothing serious? So there’s _something_ not so serious?”

“I don’t know” I shrugged, thinking of a way to avoid the topic but not seeing any. I sighed instead, still feeling the determined stare of Sungjong on my face “I might have my defenses a little feeble, but that’s all”

“That’s a big deal, hyung, what if you caught a cold?”

“I won’t”

“How do you know? You’ve always been prone to respiratory problems, remember?”

“Yeah, I think I remember how my own body works Sungjong”

“Doesn’t look like it-”

“Cut it out” I spat in no mood for an argument

I heard him take some air to talk back, but then breathe out in a sigh.

“You just catch a cold and you’ll see” he hissed.

I couldn’t stand it for more than three seconds before I let out a messy snort and a little chuckle.

“Are you threatening me?”

“You bet I am”

“Oh, really?”

“You think I can’t stand up the challenge?”

“Oh, no, don’t get me wrong”

“Drop the sarcastic tone or I might think you don’t really think so” he snapped back, the silly grin betraying his offended act.

“You’re getting feistier with every day”

“I’m just adjusting”

“ _Adjusting_ , interesting way to put it”

“Do you like _adapting_ better? Maybe, _acclimatizing_?”

“No, _adjusting_ is just fine, the others sound too pretentious”

“Good then” he nodded solemnly and remained quiet for a long while. After near half an hour he spoke again, his tone light and conversational “Did you notice that they called the fucked up nearly-apocalypse we had the ‘ _Big Disaster_ ’?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah you’re right”

“Isn’t it crazy?”

“What is? The name? It’s kind of stupid if you ask me, but not crazy” I shrugged.

“No, I mean, we actually have something to name”

“I don’t think I’m following…”

“Like the big events in the bible, or in the movies, when they name happenings and it stays like a history milestone”

“Oh, I get it”

“So? Is it crazy enough now?”

“A bit, yeah”

“Do you think this will stay in history?”

“If we survive it then yes, definitely”

“We’ll survive it hyung” he said, forced determination stiffening his words.

I glanced at him, watching as his face hardened a little before twisting and then relaxed again. I reached and patted his head softly.

“I meant mankind actually” he looked up, blinking a bit as if caught off guard.

“That doesn’t make it any less depressing” he said.

“I know… Look where you go “I nodded to the ground ahead of him “But what I mean is, I know we’ll survive this, the question hangs beyond us”

“Mh…” he hummed softly, the gloomy cloud over his head evident enough.

“You’ll be immortalized in history books, if that’s what you wanted to hear” I attempted with a light tone.

“W-What?” he looked up again with big eyes before laughing “What are you saying hyung?”

“Oh, we’ll be there, indirectly, but still”

“Hyung” he chuckled.

“Really, you know, when they say something like ‘ _for years after the Big Disaster,_ still think it’s a stupid name but it’ll do for now _, the world population strived to survive_ ’, there you have it”

“What?”

“We’re there, ‘ _the population_ ’ that’s us, we’ll be historic figures”

“What the…? Oh God” he shook his head, soft laughed shaking his shoulders “Ah really, how long has it been since I’ve heard your nonsense?” he said in a breathy tone.

“You missed it, you know it”

“Yeah I did…” he said, his voice soft.

“Yah” I clicked my tongue at him “You’re making this backfire on me, don’t get all emotive, we’re still trying to get out this deserted hole”

“I’m not” he denied vehemently, hiding the little sniffle and walking closer to my side though “Totally not”

“Good, I need my snarky dongsaeng here”

“I’m right here” he nodded.

The silence enveloped us for another big stretch of time, little comments or warnings here and there, a stray cough, a tired sigh, the sniffle of a leaking nose, the sneeze of an itching one.

The aspect of the town had rotten a little more while the itching became seriously persistent, borderline painful; I could feel my eyes getting a little bit sore, like the aftermath of a long swim in a pool with a little too much chlorine.

“I guess we’re approaching the patch they told us about” I said, blinking exaggeratedly to get rid of the annoying little burn.

“Ok, what should we do then?” Sungjong said, sniffing a little and rubbing his eyes.

“Don’t do that” I pushed his hand down “First of all we cover our faces, then we need to find the riverside…” I dropped my bag and started looking inside “Ok, put this on, and this over it” I said, handing a mask and a scarf to him.

“And you?” he asked behind the mask.

“There’s another scarf somewhere… Yes, right here. Ok, we need to get through quickly so we can get to the other side in one piece”

“Wait, is it that bad?”

“Don’t think so, they said it was only a tiny leak mixed up with the after-rain fumes and that we should be able to avoid it-” a low rumble cut my words. I looked up and cursed loudly.

“Wait, what? What was that? It can’t be raining right now” Sungjong whined anxiously.

“I’m afraid that’s what it looks like”

“But…” he groaned dramatically “Why is this happening now?”

“Come on Jong, we need to move while we can”

“Wouldn’t it be better if we hide somewhere?”

I looked around, contemplating the half-rotten state of the little houses scattered in the proximities.

“I’m not sure we’ll find a safe place here, and remember they said this area gets flooded easily” I stood up and adjusted the bag on my back again “If we hurry we might make it across the river and to more steady buildings and higher land”

“Is it higher on the other side?” Sungjong sighed, squaring his back and resuming our walk.

“See for yourself” I pointed ahead, where the dark line of the ground cut short the view of the other side, the foggy hint of dry trees peaking against the dark sky “That is the other side, there’s supposed to be a little town still standing right past that bunch of trees, and that thing there is the bridge we have to cross”

“Oh, that’s a bridge?”

“Yeah, what did you think it was?”

“I don’t know, didn’t even notice it honestly” he shrugged.

“That’s the attention you’re paying” I sighed, but it was true that it looked dark and not very discernible against the tarnished landscape.

The incoming rain loomed above us, threatening with a heavy downpour in every lazy thunder and hidden lighting among the heavy clouds. We walked as fast as we could, maneuvering between trash, rubble, holes and the irritating air that got nastier and harsher with every step we took. We were pressing the scarfs tight on our mouths and noses, but the result was dimming and in no time they would be as good as nothing.

“At least it doesn’t look like the last storm” Sungjong muttered at some point, and as if on cue, the first drop of cold water hit his head “Oh crap, hyung it’s about to start”

“Aish, god dammit” I looked around, to the absolute nothing that surrounded us “Fuck, fuck, fuck” the few buildings that I could see were wooden and depleted, the outline of something bigger faraway into the fields, too far away. And then there was the promise of steadier refuge at the other side of the river, hidden by the crooked wall of trees; the lonely bridge only a few imaginary blocks away “Ok, we need to cross the bridge quickly” I said as I started walking hurriedly, praying in my head that I was making the right choice.

“We won’t make it before it starts raining” Sungjong commented, taking a few long strides to catch up with me and walk by my side.

“Probably not, but we can’t stay here either”

“What about those… Things over there?”

“Those are way further than the bridge, Jong” I narrowed my eyes trying to see better “and I seriously don’t know what they are”

“We could go back?”

“Back? To where? That’d take-“ a little sprinkle of water fell on my head, Sungjong also looking up briefly “Put the hood on Sung-“ the sprinkle broke into a heavy downpour that fell like curtains of water.

“Oh, no, no, no, no!” I heard him chant nervously as he tightened his jacket and rushed forward.

“Watch your steps!” I warned while hurrying beside him, my own hood over my head, both our scarfs falling lose on our necks.

The rain fell like buckets of water on our backs, the ground quickly transforming into a squishy little swamp that sucked our boots down as we tried to run without falling. Our clothes were completely wet, the hood dripping around our faces and the bags surely letting the water in. I felt the cold rain filtering through the layers of clothes I had on and reach my skin, shivers and goose bumps running all over my back and arms.

We were really close to the bridge, I could see the wood and stone, the dark moving mass of the river below.

I felt a sudden pull at my sleeve, my feet sliding a little before I could regain my balance, and a groan from my side. I turned and saw Sungjong straightening from a crouch, a grimace partially hidden under a messy layer of mud, trying to wipe his face with his wet hands. I held his wrist and pulled his arm down.

“Careful with your eyes” I said, pulling him along as we neared the first wooden planks on the ground before the bridge “Use your sleeve, don’t press too much”

He let out something like a mixture between a growl and an annoyed whimper as he pulled off the mask and softly brushed his dampened sleeve over the side of his face. When I finally took my attention away from him and the pouring rain to look at the bridge in front of us, I fully noticed the river under the bridge, fast and rowdy, harsher than what it looked from the distance; dirty waves hitting the sides of the riverbed and reaching over the floor of the bridge. The licks of the water splashed over the structure, the waves swallowing for brief moments the entire height of the stone pillars and threatening with growing over the wooded path over them.

“Hyung, move!” Sungjong pushed me forward, bringing me back from my hesitating.

“Watch your steps, Jong” I warned him as we stepped up, my hands quickly flying out to the sides to try to keep my balance.

“Oh, what the-? We can’t cross!” Sungjong squeaked when a particularly big wave splashed over the bridge, his hands fisting my jacket.

“Yes, we can, come on!”

“No, the river’s rising too quickly! And there are no freaking railings!”

“The more we wait the worse it gets! Move!” I pulled at his arm and pushed him into motion.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god!” he started chanting loudly again, his feet giving little nervous steps while his hands still held onto my jacket for dear life.

He let out a squeaky yelp every time a wave reached our feet or legs, and he almost jumped back when the water started splashing his hands. His face was looking the other way, with the current direction to avoid getting his face hit by the water, and I was doing the same from time to time, trying to keep my focus ahead but having to turn to prevent an unwanted splash.

“How long is this thing!” his anxious voice reached me under the roaring of the river underneath and the loud hiss of the rain.

“Just keep walking” I breathed out, already starting to feel the sleepy burn in my hands, the hot one in my eyes and throat.

I tried to reduce my breathing, my nose was leaking and my eyes watering profusely, I could already taste the toxic in my tongue and my lungs were heaving to get the fumes out. The itching became painful and the coughs started pressing at my chest. I tried hurrying up a little more, but it only made me get more agitated.

Sungjong had said something to me, but I could hear him well, I looked up and saw the blurry image of him turning to me to repeat himself… And then he disappeared.

The cracks and splashing, the surprised yelp followed by a panicked scream, something I had heard not too long ago, in the middle of a storm, and now again, over a bridge made of stone, metal and _rotten_ wood.

I ran forward and dropped myself to the floor, grasping at Sungjong’s sleeves and pulling up desperately. He kept yelling something I couldn’t really comprehend, then he looked up at me.

“Don’t look up!” I yelled, but he was already screaming again, eyes shut and face down as the heavy rain had hit him dead on the face “Use your legs, step into anything you can!”

As he did so, his legs bumping against planks, wooden beams and the side of the pillars, a big wave hit the side of the bridge a little behind us, the water reaching up and jumping over my legs with enough strength to push my feet. I pulled at my dongsaeng’s clothes, feeling something rip under the strain, and hauled him up the best I could. He grasped at me and the floor, his legs pushing blindly around to help himself up, but a stretched creaking sound under us had us gasping and scrambling to try to stand up before the wood gave away. We didn’t manage to do so, only avoided falling to the angry current when the hole broke wider. I didn’t know anymore what Sungjong was saying or yelling, my own voice sounding in my ears with no meaning at all. I had half my body hanging over the edge, my face barely above the water, the harsh broken wood digging into my belly and making it even harder for me to breathe. Sungjong’s legs were flailing at my side, until one wide swing finally landed his foot on the wet floor again. I saw him rising, the complaint of the wood under his feet sounding at the same time I saw a big wave lunging in our direction. I propelled myself up with my hands on the edge, I had to move away fast, but wasn’t counting on my jacket getting stuck in the big splinters and making me wobble down again.

The rotten floor yielded again under my weight, the lump of water finally ramming over us as I shut my eyes tightly. Sungjong’s yelp as he reached for me was swallowed by the noise of the rain and the wood breaking, my own gasp was buried under the dirty water of the river. And it went straight into my throat.

The first thing I felt was the horrendous taste, the coldness and the force which what it hit the back of my mouth, my throat constricting and trying to reject the liquid before it went further, the cold burn of it moving down nonetheless. Then I felt Sungjong pulling me up and back, his hands then getting sloppy and patting all over me. I wasted no time in getting up and hauling him along, pushing him roughly over what was left for us to cross the bridge and practically falling to the ground on the other side.

It all became a blind race, I ran as best as I could, pulling Sungjong along and not caring if he was walking, running, stumbling or just being dragged. We fell more than once, but it was all a secondary influx of information for my brain. It was more focused on feeling the rotten taste in my mouth, the angry burn in my throat, my eyes, my hands, my face. I could hear Sungjong wailing behind me, his messy breathing and the trembling grip of his hands; I could see a little building ahead, no wood at sight and solid walls. I couldn’t think about much more.

We crashed inside with the grace of two men escaping their potential death, falling to the ground, ragged breathing and pained groans that quickly melted into desperate sounds of actual pain shaken by congested coughing. I immediately dropped the bag, ignoring the growing burn that boiled in my stomach and the desperate chocking that clamped all my insides, and pulled out a pack of bottled water. I uncapped one and pulled at Sungjong’s hood, straightened him up.

“Look-“ I gagged, then tried again “Look up!” I managed to spit between my teeth, but he kept on wailing and trying to rub and scratch at his eyes “Look the fuck up!!” I yelled, gripping his hair and pulling his head back.

I splashed the water on his face once, stopped to heave and try to get some air past the iron grip around my neck and then poured the rest of the bottle on him. I took another bottle.

“Open… your eyes” I gasped, feeling my eyes crying rivers and my mouth salivating to the point of it slipping between my lips. My insides were on fire.

Sungjong finally tried to open his eyes, his eyelids trembling as he whimpered and gripped at my sleeves. I spilled the bottle right on his eyes, and he tried to keep them open against his own instincts of shielding them from the intrusion, but before I could finish, my own strength faltered and my hands dropped the bottle on his face. I couldn’t even apologize, I scrambled to my feet and rushed out of the building, only a few meters from the entrance, to fall on my knees and, without a second though, thrust my index and middle fingers deep into my mouth and against my throat. The effect was immediate, as if my whole body had been waiting for that little help to gush out all I had inside in a desperate attempt to expel the corrosive water I had taken in.

I coughed and choked, groaned and growled, shook and cried in pain as I felt the burning fluid run its way back from my stomach to the muddy ground. The second time I vomited I could see the red mixed in.

 

 


	15. Up and down

I was shivering in a corner, hugging myself and trying to occupy the minimum space so the body heat would not leave me. My teeth clattered nonstop, making my jaw hurt a little, my fingers were also freezing and my feet hurt from the cold, as well as my back. But the big prize was still for my eyes. Hell, they burned like… Well, hell.

I had our thickest blanket wrapped tightly; my jacket, boots, sweater and just most part of my clothes were spread over a little cracked table near me, drying off. It had been a few hours since the bridge accident, we had used most of the water we had to wash ourselves and our clothes the best we could, with me not seeing shit and Sunggyu… I really didn’t know what was wrong with him as I couldn’t see him all that well, but he only grunted and groaned here and there, stumbling and slipping outside to come back a minute later breathing like he had ran a marathon. 

Just to prove me right, the pained groan came from the other side of the little place. I thought he was going to walk outside again, but he only moved in his place and groaned again.

“Hyung” I called him softly, to what he half hummed half growled “Come here, we can share the blankets” I offered through the tense hitting of my teeth.

He grunted again, that’s all he did.

I blinked a few times to try to focus my sight, it was all blurry and fuzzy, and it kind of burned more if I kept my eyes open, but I was really concerned. I crawled to the lump that was Sunggyu, also shivering under the other blanket, and snuggled next to him, trying to throw my cover over him too. He didn’t move, just kept shaking and whimpering a little every once in a while. His breathing sounded heavy, labored, but intentional, as if he was purposely taking big chunks of air each time even when his lungs were not asking for it. I rubbed his arms with my shaky hands.

“Hyung…” again, nothing but a grunt “Hyung, are you ok?”

Stupid as it was, I needed to ask him, I needed to hear him shrug it off as usual, turn around and tell me to take care of my eyes because he was fine… But he didn’t answer, he shivered and curled over himself a bit more, the heavy breathing intensified until he moaned in what sounded like pain and grunted again.

I didn’t know what to say, I guessed there was nothing I could say to make it better, so I only hugged him tighter, trying to at least warm him up.

I guess at some point my body gave up and the exhaustion of the previous events caught up to me, because I found myself feeling completely disoriented, blinking my hurting eyes to a thick darkness that I wasn’t sure was the outside world or my eyes malfunctioning. It took me a while to understand where I was, why I was so rigid and why was everything hurting so much. And even after I relocated my mind in time and space, I didn’t perceive the body between my arms until it moved, a violent shiver and a chocked groan startling me to the point of having me jump and push and yelp in surprise. A second later I was apologizing hurriedly, rubbing my hyung’s back softly as he whimpered in protest.

I searched blindly for our bags, taking out the torches and turning them on. I realized then that everything I saw was still a big awful blur, I started to feel a little scared about it, thinking it would never go back to normal, or maybe even worsen with time. The sudden thought of going blind hit me with dread and I started blinking desperately, trying to clear my vision without touching my eyes.

“Hyung” I found myself calling in a shaky tone “Hyung, what’s going to happen to my eyes? Shouldn’t it get better? I can’t see well, when will it get better? Am I going blind?... Hyung?” I turned to him, his fuzzy silhouette slowly sitting up, wobbling in his place and bending over. He fell back to the ground and started to push back again. I approached him and helped him up “Hyung, seriously, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me”

“I’m… “ he said, and I felt a little pang of fear mixed with relief when I heard him speak in that rough, broken voice. It was the first time he spoke since the bridge.

“What happened?”

“Wa-…” he growled, but to my reassurance, it sounded more like an annoyed sound than a pained one like all the previous sounds he had been making “Water” he grunted.

“Do you want water?” he nodded, his head still hanging low and his arms shaking from the strain of keeping him up.

I searched for a bottle in our bags, rummaging between all the stuff inside and outside until I finally found the last two bottles we had.

“Hyung, there’s only two left” I said as I handed him the bottle, having to put it in his hands after a few seconds of holding it with no response “Here hyung…” but his hands shook so badly that he couldn’t even uncap it “Ok, wait, give me, I’ll do it for you” I took it from his hands, seemingly unbalancing him while doing so, for he just fell back to the floor “Oh, God, hyung!” I helped him up again, but he pushed me away weakly.

“Leave… it” he breathed out, curling over himself.

“Drink the water at least”

He shook his head against the dirty ground. I sighed, unable to stop the worry to grow inside me, and lied down beside him again, wrapping my arms around him and hoping a little more sleep would do us good.

\--

I was enormously relieved to notice that my sight was slightly clearer the following day. I still had to blink the blurriness away and deal with the constant burn, but the little improvement meant it was getting better, not worse.

I couldn’t say the same for Sunggyu, though. He had stood up with my help, but his legs didn’t seem to be able to hold him up properly, so he had to lean on me as we made our way through the dead trees to what we hoped was the little town behind it. I tried to keep all my senses alert, as my eyesight was failing me, I needed to pay extra attention to the rest of my sensorial capacity, especially in sight of my hyung practically unable to discern right from left.   

I felt quite accomplished when the twisted trunks gave way to a wider land, the figures of some buildings not far away ahead of us. It didn’t look like a big city, more like a medium town in the country side, but it meant possibly more water, stable walls and roofs and, with some luck, people willing to give us a hand.

“There’s the town you said, hyung” I said to the wobbling man beside me.

He raised his head and blinked heavily a few times before nodding slowly. He straightened a little bit and turned to me, giving me a full view of his sickly ashen face, the impossibly dark bags under his eyes and the pale, chapped lips; his hair messy and sweaty, his eyes a little unfocused. The tentative smile that I had on my face at the possibly good prospect ahead of us faltered immediately at the sight. I tried to keep the good face, to maybe give him so reassurance, but it proved harder that what I thought.

He pulled a tiny little smile for me instead, and it almost tears my heart apart.

\--

I had the majority of my senses focused on my breathing, in filling my lungs to the brim with air and ignore the heavy twisting in my stomach. My legs and arms were impossibly weak, but my mind was starting to clear up at least, the sickening headache dimmed to something closer to normal.

I was lying face up on a bunch of chairs brought together, my legs hanging from the edge at my knees, my left arm thrown over my face and the right one rested on my stomach.

“Hyung” Sungjong’s voice whispered near me “Come on, try drinking some water” I felt his thin hands trying to pry my arm from my face, and managing to do so with little effort.

“We need to find more Jong” I said, my voice scraping at my throat like sandpaper.

“Ok, I’ll go look for more, but drink some first?”

“No, you’re not going anywhere on your own-“

“Just drink!” he stressed, pushing the bottle against my face.

I heaved a scrappy sigh and tried to sit up, having him helping me up in the end, to take a few tiny sips. The cold, soothing feeling of the water washing down all its way to my stomach made me close my eyes in relief, even if it only lasted a few seconds. The cool feeling instantly followed by the lingering burn of the corrosive river we had left behind.

A shiver ran down my spine when the notion of the situation came back to me, the knowledge that the thing we ran away from, the nasty residual substances of the acidic rain, the trashed soil, the leftover of death all around, all of that and who knows what more, all had been packed into the feisty river that threatened to take us down, and I had ingested it, swallowed it in all its rotten noxiousness. The simple thought made me gag again.

I wouldn’t lie, I had been scared, I still was in some way, I thought that was going to be it, thought that I wouldn’t see the next day. The painful churning of my stomach, the merciless burn that swept my insides from my mouth to my core, the pounding, almost blinding headache, the way everything around me swirled in dark blurs and white splotches. I had felt how my strength was drained from me at an alarming speed, how there was not enough air for me to not feel suffocated, my legs and arms shook on their own, the taste of salty iron in my mouth so disgusting as frightening. Then I stopped seeing and only felt as the bloody bile crawled up my throat, spiting it out with the last of my energy, trying to keep breathing and almost ignoring the twisting and burning inside. I was scared of fainting, scared of losing to the exhaustion, scared of not being able to wake up.

I had blacked out at some point, limp and powerless like a ragged doll on the cold wooden floor of that little cabin, a tiny pool of my own bitter spit right next to my face. Never in my life waking up and feeling so absolutely sick had been so relieving.

“Ok, hyung, I’m going” Sungjong said from somewhere near me.

“No…” I breathed in deeply a few times before continuing “Just hold on a bit, I’m going… with you”

“No, you’re not, hyung, you can’t even stand up on your own”

“You’re not going alone…”

“Then I’m staying”

“We need more water”

“Then I’m going”

We stared at each other for a long while, his reddened eyes blinking repeatedly.

“We can wait” I finally said, not willing to let him go on his own to wander around.

He sighed and kneeled down beside me.

“No, we can’t, we have only two bottles now, hyung, and we need a lot, you told me that yourself”

“I know” I sighed this time.

“Then I’ll go look for some. Don’t worry I won’t go too far away-“

“Don’t look for people”

“What?”

“Don’t approach anyone, stay hidden”

“But hyung, if there’s people maybe they could help-“

“Or not, we’re not taking the risk in this state”

“But-“

“No, please Sungjong, just listen to me” he opened his mouth, but closed it soon enough and nodded “We can’t defend ourselves like this, can we?” he pursued his mouth and shook his head “Then we need… to avoid anything that could…” I had to stop to breathe deeply.

“It’s ok, hyung I get it” he stopped me from going on, and I let my head fall down on the chair again, my eyes closing to diminish the headache “I’ll stay hidden” I heard him say.

I still heard his shuffling and rustling, the sound of his bag and some complaints about his eyes. I wanted to tell him to pour some water on them, but I couldn’t form the words, my body too tired to abide to my brain’s commands. The last thing I perceived was Sungjong’s hand on my forehead and his voice saying something I couldn’t understand.

\--

There was no denying my nervousness. I was tense like an iron pole, cold and shivering under the many layers of rough clothing, my teeth clattering behind my tightly shut lips, my eyes were burning with renewed insistence, as the barely noticeable fumes of the recent rain were still floating around. I was standing rooted in my place just as I had been for the last ten or fifteen minutes.

I was merely a block away from the little house I had left hyung in, and I was trying to fight my urge to run back to him that very second. It wasn’t only a matter or my own insecurity, my fear and cold, my paranoia and almost certainty that I was a very easy victim for pretty much any kind of misfortune. There was also the gnawing remorse of having left Sunggyu alone and unconscious, ten times more vulnerable than me and obviously sick. He was just a block away, but that was distance enough for me to be too late anything might happen.

_The quicker you finish this the sooner you go back!_ I urged myself, nodding to no one and forcing my painfully cold legs into motion again. Tiny steps were all my legs could give, the highly unsettling silence around me was pronouncing every little rustle and crack my boots made against the tarnished ground. I felt like even the clattering of my teeth could be heard streets away.

I kept my search rather close, didn’t want risking anything, not on my part and certainly not any other part. The problem was that it limited the places I could look in, and, in the end, I came out with a pair of little, muddy bottles of water and nothing more.

I was again standing rooted in place, considering my chances of trying to look a little further or going back to my hyung at once, when I heard a noise.

I jumped alarmed immediately, but then noticed it wasn’t coming from the proximities. I could not tell exactly what it was, but it seemed like there were voices mingled in. I strained my hearing, my legs ready to bolt any second, and tried to recognize what I was listening to.

There _were_ voices, that much was clear, and they were coming from a considerable distance, the wind and the silence carrying the sounds with ease through the empty streets.  

I felt my nose starting to leak a little, and that was a bad signal. The residual humidity from the rain must have had been around me for too long, so I decided it was time to go back, even if I was still not sure how bad were the news that we were not alone.

Not half a block away from the door of the house I had left Sunggyu in, a loud clatter echoed in the silence. I whipped my head back, as if it would let me see what it had been, and stepped backwards slowly. Another strong sound came, and then, a rumbling noise, long and so very familiar. It didn’t stop, but it intensified slightly for a second, and then faded away ever so slowly.

It took me a little while to move back to the house, my brain still trying to come to terms with the fact that I was almost sure that what I had heard was an engine; a car’s engine.

\--

I was still wiping the water from my face when we left the house and made our way outside the little town. We were moving quickly, but as silent as we could go.

I had found Sunggyu still asleep, and it had taken me a little bit of too much effort to wake him up, it had actually made me panic for a few dreadful seconds. But the moment he was awake (and after a few seconds of relocating himself) he hurried me to pour water on my eyes, because they were very reddened. I tried to avoid it, as we really were lacking water, but ended up yielding to his insistence, managing, in exchange, that he would drink some too.

The news of my poor findings didn’t surprise him, but it was clear in his face that it was a bad thing. The other part of the information, though, had him widening his eyes almost comically for a bit, then brushing the matter as very unlikely, and accepting the possibility again under my sureness about having heard something very alike to the sound of a vehicle on the move.

The situation seemed to have unsettled him, because he said we had to go as soon as possible.

“What the heck would a car be doing here in the middle of nowhere?” he muttered to himself more than to me, as he wobbled towards his bag.

“You think it’s bad?”

“I don’t know, I can’t know… But…” he sighed and leaned against the wall “I don’t know” he repeated, sounding every bit of exhausted “We need to go, that’s all I can tell you. Good or bad, we have to move”

I didn’t argue with him, firstly because I didn’t have an idea of what to make out of it either, and secondly, because it distressed me to watch him grow weaker and paler with every second he spent standing up.

“Maybe I should run a quick search for people?” I asked softly.

“What? Why would you do that?”

“If there are friendly people, maybe they could help us”

“And what if there aren’t?”

“It wouldn’t hurt to try” I shrugged. He looked at me with a plain scowl “I’m not saying we should walk up to them and greet them, but if I don’t get noticed maybe I can tell if they’re hostile or not” his face didn’t even twitch “Look, the town is really little, it won’t take me long to take a look”

He seemed to think about it for a moment and then shook his head in resignation.

“Whatever, but we’re doing it quickly”

“We?”

“Yes, you’re not doing it alone”

“But hyung, you don’t-“

“None of us is in top shape, ok? Better to be together at least”

“Ok” I conceded.

We did a quick search around the place, tiptoeing around in silent hurry and peaking around corners and behind doors, but the place seemed to be empty, absolutely void of life besides us.

I felt conflicted about what to make of it. Maybe it was good that there was no one, maybe it was bad.

“No one at sight, Jong, we need to move on” Sunggyu said as he shouldered his bag and started walking away.

I cast a last glace back before going after him. We were leaving the low buildings behind in no time, making our way within the dissipating fog and feeling progressively steadier ground under our boots. I saw the subtle uprising of ground ahead, the road that we were to follow now, and sighed, hoping that the next stop would prove to be of more help.

A few meters from the road, I had to start blinking repeatedly again, my eyes burning stubbornly and tearing up, so I didn’t see Sunggyu stopping abruptly ahead of me. I bumped against his back with a muffled yelp.

“Hyung, what are you doing?” I complained lightly, then noticed he was looking at the ground.

“Seems like you heard right after all Jong” he said in a flat voice, his face scowling deeply.

I followed the line of his sight and found myself looking at the evident imprint of a pair of tires on the moist ground, the dark soil carried over the cracked pavement to form quickly fading tracks on the road.

\--

The bag felt three times heavier than usual, but I knew it was actually considerably lighter, having spent almost all the water we had. My legs were shaky and my arms weak, I felt my lungs fight for air and my throat itch constantly. My back was killing me, and the cold nibbled at my fingers and feet as well as every inch of my face and neck. Shivers run down my back and goosebumps rose in my arms and legs while I tried to keep my way straight. A particular bad step had my ankle twisted and my legs wobbling alarmingly, my whole body plummeting down as I tried to stop the fall with heavily unresponsive limbs. I had a knee on the ground when I felt Sungjong’s hands on my arm.

“Hyung, what is it?” he asked nervously.

“Nothing, just a bad step” I said, pushing my voice to sound as normal as I could.

He helped me up again and I resumed my walk quickly, feeling him merely inches away from me, his attention stuck to my unsteady pace.

I was doing my best to keep a good time, pulling at my every muscle, squeezing energy from the bottom of my being to not falter and hurry up. We had to make it to the next town before the hours of the day were spent, and we didn’t have much time left.

The little desolated town was almost two days behind us, we had followed the road and spent a night in a gas station at the side of the lane. We were supposed to keep watch in turns, as always, but I found myself being woken up by Sungjong with the glow of the day well settled around us. I recognized the worried suspicion in his eyes as he watched me slowly crawl to my feet and tried to fend it off halfheartedly, because I knew that it was obvious for him already that I was not precisely improving.

For a moment back then, as we left the tiny town, I had held hopes of overcoming the sickness, the burning churn in my stomach was relenting and the strength returned a little to my limbs, my mind was clearer and my head not as dizzy. I felt incredibly relieved, and made a point of being doubly careful from then on, as we were weary and more tired than ever. Sungjong’s eyes were still reddened and hurting, but improving reassuringly. The water that had gotten to him hadn’t been that much, and the insistent cleaning with bottled water had helped notoriously. I myself tried to drink as much as I could immediately after, without finishing all we had (if my sudden trips to dead trees or wasted walls to the side of our way weren’t proof enough).

So, yes, all in all, I thought it was gone, or leaving at least. But my relief lasted so little. Mere hours after we set off on the road, the weakness returned to my legs. I had us stopping for a while, telling Sungjong that I was still recovering and my strength was a little feeble. He chuckled drily and cracked the same old joke about my age. I wanted to keep the light mood, so I just snorted and pushed him lightly. But I couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling when, after returning to our way a good half hour later, my legs were as shaky as before, and a blooming headache started beating at the back of my head.

The discomfort kept growing as we moved, my back and neck were sore and stiff, my head hot and throbbing, my hands gripping at the straps of the bag with shaky fingers. By the time the darkness started falling on our heads, we hurried to a mostly burned gas station and bunked pressed closely in an ashen corner. My watch was the second half, but I remember almost nothing of it, only patches of slumber and half consciousness, stirring awake over and over again, tangled in the remains of confusing dreams and nightmares, until Sungjong woke me up with worry filled eyes.

So now that I was finding simply walking to be a hardship, I was sure whatever it was that had stricken me was not gone at all, only worsening. I couldn’t lie to him anymore either, it would be no reason to do so, no point at all. I let him take my arm and help me forward, as I felt cold sweat dampening my back and neck as chilly shivers ran up and down.

“How much longet until we get there?” Sungjong asked with an edge of anxiety in his voice.

“Don’t know… Not much I hope”

“Yeah… Let’s hope” he said, glancing at me stubbornly until I looked back at him. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it in a tight line and I saw his eyebrows twitch.

“It’s ok, Jong, we’ll make it, we just need to hurry up”

He nodded stiffly and pulled me closer, his fingers latching to my arm and waist until I felt them hard and firm through the clothes.

 

 


	16. A broken piece

I remember seeing the shapes of the taller buildings not far ahead when he told me to stop. We were walking through streets and small buildings already, but the place didn’t seem to bear hopes of people nearby. _Of course not, this look like a battlefield,_ I thought, eyeing the darkened walls and crumbled roofs surrounding us. Probably a big fire had burnt the place nearly to its core, it wouldn’t be the first time I saw something like that.

I practically dragged Sunggyu towards the most intact looking structure I could find near us, which probably had been a coffee shop of the sorts back in time; some overturned tables and chairs were still in the wide space, dust and ashes covering everything, pieces of rubble scattered around and a dark burnt layer staining the side where the leftovers of what had been the counter were. The windowed wall was smashed, pieces of glass of all sizes sprawled on the floor of half the store. I took us both to the far corner, near the hanging door that led to the staff room. Peeking inside, I noticed that it was cleaner than the rest of the place, and the shelves and lockers were almost completely empty. We settled inside, throwing a torn, big jacket that I found in one of the lockers to the ground beneath us, and wrapping the two blankets over us. I said I would take the first half of the night and wake him up for his turn, but I wasn’t going to, really. He only stared at me and sighed, then dropped his head on the bags and fell asleep almost immediately.

I let out a shaky breath, trying to ignore the gnawing dread that was spreading in my head. We were in a rush, we had no water left, hadn’t had some for almost a day and didn’t find any on our way, we were both tired and still fighting the leftover illness, and Sunggyu was not succeeding. I dared a glance to his face, but the foreboding weight in my chest made me look away. I knew he was worsening, I knew he was sick, I knew the lack of water, the stale air, the physical strain, the tension, everything was wearing him off with alarming speed. The coarse sound of his breathing told me so, the ashen color of his face, the staggering in his walk, the absence of his usual attention, his dry, deep coughing, everything was screaming at me that he was breaking, he was falling apart right beside me, and I could do nothing but to watch.

I swallowed the knot in my throat and pulled my mind from the dark corner it was immersing in.

As I listened to the wind whistle through the burnt area, the thick darkness swallowing all around us except the little splash of light the torch in my hands created, I tried to fill my mind with determination and optimism.

_We’ll make it, we’re almost there. There must be someone here, this city is quite big, there will be someone who could help us. Then it’s just a few more days to-_

Sunggyu’s harsh, rumbling cough startled me, his shivering against my leg worried me, his following troubled breathing made me anxious. I tightened the blankets around him and pulled him closer. He grunted and groaned, then woke up, blinking heavy, dark eyelids up to me in sickly confusion and raising his head a bit over the makeshift pillow.

“Is it…” he croaked, his head wobbled a little “Is it my turn already?”

“No, hyung, sleep some more” I said, moving the hair from his forehead as he closed his eyes tightly. I frowned and let out a shaky breath as the high temperature of his skin burned my palm. He leaned against my cold skin, surely seeking the cool feeling “Hyung…” I called him, but didn’t know what I was trying to say.

He hummed softly, his head getting heavier on my hand until it fell on my lap. I felt his fingers clench lightly on the fabric of my pants, his shoulders shaking again in a sudden shiver, and the sick shadows sharpening the lines of his face. His brow was heavy and troubled, his breathing forced and congested. I saw my hands tremble a little as I petted his hair.

“I’m sorry” he said with a sliver of voice.

“What?”

“I’m sorry, Jongie…” he opened his eyes, glassy and a little unfocused, but didn’t turn up to look at me.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, hyung” I said with fake steadiness.

“I shouldn’t have taken that-“

“We both agreed on that” I cut him off “It’s ok, we made it out, we’re almost there hyung”

“Almost…”

“Yes, it’s only a little more to the north, right? Only a few more days, remember? You said so” I attempted to smile at him, even if he wasn’t looking “We’re almost there” I repeated.

He fell silent for a while, then squeezed his fingers around the fabric again.

“Jong…” he rasped, a heavy feeling accompanying his voice “I… I don’t know-“

“We’ll be there sooner than you think” I interrupted hastily, my voice tense a little bit louder than what I intended “You just sleep” I saw him swallow heavily and close his eyes again, his pale face still perturbed as I watched him with concern.

_We’ll make it_ , I insisted in my head, _even if I have to drag you all the way, we’ll make it..._

Time rolled by heavy and slow, the howling of the wind more chilling than ever.

The following day, it took me more than ever to wake him up.

\--

I tried rolling my neck again, my muscles felt so stiff and weak that my head fell forward almost limply and I had to stop walking to raise it again. I felt the ground moving under my feet, my steps were erratic and unstable, my vision was failing, darkened by misguiding shadows at the edges, blinded by deceiving light in patches everywhere. I was feeling colder than ever, hot waves and violent shivers crawling all over me as I stumbled against the body beside me.

A wiggling form peaked from the corner of my vision, a shadow of something. I turned my head, heavy and dizzy, but the lurking figure moved back, avoiding me. Something moved from the other side, I turned around sharply, making everything spin and sway and my head ache even more. When I could focus again, the figure wasn’t there, probably hidden in the shadows around my sight, or in the blind spots that danced in front of me. A building shifted, the ground sunk, the sky twisted and dripped, as if a heavy, murky tint was leaking from the clouds. Cracks on the walls started to flinch, and I felt an irrational rush of fear as I watched them squirm.

_Oh my God, snakes, I don’t like snakes…_

The spots moved, tiny sparks running on the ground as ugly, speedy spiders swarming around. A wild shiver shook me from head to toes, my neck was stiff and in pain, I felt something hard pressing against it, something pushing against my back. I gasped for air.

_That fucking hurts, stop it…_

My legs got tangled and my knees gave up, something held me up and I saw the snakes crawling closer. I tried to push away, but a voice told me to wait. I was pushed against something hard and cold, the twitching dark appeared again at the side of my eyes. I let my head drop against the surface, but the twitching came back, and a black, fat snake twisted over itself in front of me. Fear suffocated me, I wanted to move away, but I felt so heavy. I looked around, trying to find someone, anyone. Someone was walking away, a slim back hurrying somewhere. I tried calling his name, but my throat closed and I gagged. I forced air inside in a gasp, and pushed myself away from the twisting creatures. I stumbled forward, to a side and the other, trying to find balance and stepping on my own feet. The air got stuck in my neck again, a hot wave of chill enveloped me and the shadows around me grew bigger. The little spiders and snakes blurred and mixed, the shadows and sparks pulsating along the pounding in my head. I felt hot and freezing cold, my skin tense and uncomfortable, my body aching down to my bones.

The slim figure stopped and moved back.

I tried to call him back, I tried to walk to him, I tried to stay on my feet. I could do nothing of it. I felt the ground hit my knees painfully, the world around me spin and twist on itself, the pavement hit my face.

I heard his voice calling alarmed, and felt a big and painful stab of guilt and regret choking me over the swelling nausea.

Despair hit me, self-hatred followed, resignation lurked behind. I felt like crying, like screaming, but I was so lost, so gone that I could do neither.

I wanted to apologize, tried to do so, I had failed miserably, so miserably to him. I could now see his big eyes filled with alarm and fear, his voice shaking and his hands trembling. I saw him thin and fragile, unsure and lost. I couldn’t leave him on his own, how could I let him fend for himself? I didn’t want him to leave him alone… But I was.

The dark lurking around me finally blinded me, leaving me with a last image of his scared face against the convulsing sky, the sounds got buried and drowned. The echo of the headache, the lingering churn of my stomach, the pulsating pain in my limbs, the shaky weakness and the chilling heat, everything enveloped me as I felt my throat swell and close, my chest press down and my own body suffocate me.

A buzzing sound filled my head, a trembling numbness claimed my every muscle, one last sparkle blinked ahead of me, and then it all stopped, I felt myself falling backwards, but never hit the ground. Then I was gone.

\--

The sky cracked loudly over our heads, the wind raised from the ground with renewed force. A flashing light illuminated the boiling clouds.

I yelled over the roaring of the incoming storm. My hands and arms shaking in panic, my voice hoarse and clogged by despair. He didn’t flinch.

“Wake up!!” I cried, shaking him violently on the ground “Come on! There’s a storm coming, wake up!” he was still as a rock, pale as bone, limp like a rag.

I squeaked and shook him some more, still with no response. I felt panic and dread run inside me, my brain was blocking the fears that his unresponsive body was generating in me, denying the urging message hyung's glassed, lost eyes fiercely focused on mine tried to convey before dropping close.

_Don't make me do this alone!_ I screamed in my head, cursing the awful timing he had chosen to faint, keeping my thoughts on a frustrated current to avoid the brewing fear that had been building up more solid than ever in my head since that damned bridge had opened up under our feet. _Don’t… just… goddamnit, you’ll owe me good when you wake up!_

The bright crack of light plowing the darkening sky had me snapping my head up in alarm. The violent snap of energy and following blast in the distance had me pulling at Sunggyu’s arms to move away and into safety as quick as I could. He was heavy, no doubt about that, the full weight of a grown man was no joke, and I wasn’t exactly too strong or well rested, so to carry him along, plus the two of our bags was proving to be an exhausting and painfully slow task.

A bright, white claw of light fell down in amazing speed and smashed with a blinding strike not far behind us. The loud slap was still ringing in my ears when the heavy, low rumble of thunder reached the ground.

“We have to move!” I said to no one, hauling up Sunggyu and shouldering the bags the best I could.

I dragged us slow and blindly, with the glow of the day quickly fading away and burying us in the thick darkness that I dreaded so much. My heart was racing and sweat was forming on my skin as I struggled to find a place to hide. I didn’t know where I should go, where I shouldn’t, where was safe and where it wasn’t.

_Please wake up! Just wake up!_

Lighting fell down again, another explosion from above slapped my eardrums and I stumbled forward, my feet tangled with themselves and sent me crashing to the hard, cold asphalt with the weight of my hyung and the bags over me. I tried to stand up, fighting the growing strength of the wind and weakness of my legs, but when I fell a second time, this time wrapping my feet with the hanging straps of one of the bags, I accepted that I was going to have to leave something.

Without much thought, I dropped one of the bags and hung the other one across my front, then crouched and hauled Sunggyu on my back with a silent apologize for the violent handling, throwing his arms over my shoulders and holding him by his legs. I glanced one last time to the discarded bag, praying there wasn’t anything we’d vitally need later, and resumed my slow walk.

I couldn’t have advanced much, dragging my feet and staggering to the sides, having to stop to gather my hyung so he wouldn’t slip. I couldn’t see where I was going, as I was bending forward to avoid him falling back. I could only hear the angry cracking of the sky over our heads, feel the wind taking hold of my clothes and the bag. I was sweating under the strain, my limbs shaking and my breathing growing heavier. I craned my neck to glace up, the darkness was almost absolute, the outlines and shadows of the buildings poorly discernible in the obscured sight of the city except when the bright, fleeting flash of the storm painted everything in a grey glow or sharp white and black. I hurriedly let go of hyung’s right leg to take the torch out of my pocket and turn it on, then latched again at Sunggyu’s leg. The light was shaky and erratic, just like my breathing, but at least I could see what was surrounding me as I staggered forward.          

A particularly loud explosion sounded around us, the flash of light throwing a bright glow to the street around us, the rumble tangible in my bones. I knew I had to get cover, taking my chances and hope for the best, I hurried to the side and towards an opening that seemed to led to a big place, by now Sunggyu’s feet were dragging over the ground. I was just past the entrance when I let myself fall again, and burned what was left of my strength pulling at Sunggyu’s jacket to get him deeper into the building. The sharp rattle of a thunder deafened me for a second or two. When it relented, the last note of a call turned my attention behind me. I waited, eyes wide and heart hammering, until I heard it again, muffled by the still roaring storm.

“ _…here?! Anyone?!_ ”  it was calling in a loud yell “ _Hey!! Get-..!!_ ” another thunder drowned the voice, to let it surge again further away “ _…dangerous here!!”_

I doubted for a second, weighting the fear and distrust with the looming danger and apparent offer for aid. _They must have seen the light of the torch…_ I reasoned. I threw a look at the unconscious figure beside me, the pale light of the torch sharpening the contrast between his deadly pale skin and the dark shadows that loomed over him. I saw a thin trail of blood running down his face, another coming from his nose, his lips colorless and his face still as stone... A new wave of panic shot through me, and I leaned over him with trembling hands and a knot in my throat. I tried shaking him awake again, slapped his cold face a few times, I tried calling his name, but my voice broke between the vocals and fell in a croaky whimper. I was scared of checking his pulse, didn’t want to find what I was dreading the most, but forced my fingers to his neck still.

I convinced myself fervently that it was the numbness of my hand and the coldness of his skin the reason why I couldn’t feel anything under my digits, but the tears still flowed out. I felt the denial and despair take over me, my arms shaking as I took hold of his jacket and screamed his name in his face, a furious attempt of break with the nightmare I was starting to live. I shook him violently, slapped him hard across the face, but nothing but stillness met my despair.

“No!” I growled, my fingers white and shaking wrapped in his clothes “You can’t do this to me, hyung! You said…! You said! Come on! We’re so close!” I shook him some more.

A pocket of deceiving silence halted the uproar of the storm, and the fading voice of the unknown man reached me. It was nothing but the faint echo of undistinguishable words by now. Throwing any doubts aside, I ran outside, letting the freezing wind push me to my back and drag me a second on the floor, before getting up on my knees and scream back at the top of my lungs. I don’t even know what I was screaming, only that I was calling the voice back. The thump of the torch, still hanging from my wrist, on my hip reminded me of its existence, so I pointed it forward as an attempt of signaling my presence to whoever was out there.

Long, fearful seconds rolled past, there was no answer. I kept calling, my fear, despair and frustration breaking my voice over and over, the light of the torch dancing around me. I looked back at the inside of the building, the pale, frozen figure of Sunggyu was still in the same place, his face like an ashen doll on the ground. My chest pressed against me ribs, and I crawled back inside, feeling my limbs shake with exhaustion and dread. I put one hand past the door just in time to hear it again.

“ _Hey!!_ ” A splash of light engulfed me, and I turned around, blind like a deer in the headlights “ _Hey you! Come on, things are going to blow up any time!_ ” the faceless voice yelled as the center of the light came nearer and grew brighter “ _Hurry up, come along!_ ”

I the blink of an eye, a pair of arms pulled me up.

“W-Wait!”

“Move! There’s no time!”

“Wait! There’s-“ I coughed violently, but managed to point my torch inside to show them where Sunggyu was “Hyung!” I managed to cough out, feeling as the last of my strength abandoned me against the hold of the unknown man.

A shadow moved past me, and another man entered into the light I was projecting, kneeling over Sunggyu for a few seconds and then turning around. He shook his head and walked back. The pair of arms around me hauled me back again.

“What? No, wait” I said in shaky confusion “Wait, you have to take him along-“

“Sorry kid, no time for that!”

“Time for- You can’t leave him there!” I tried to fight against the dragging pull, but I felt my weak efforts useless.

“Come on! If you stay here any longer you’ll end up dead too!”

“What? Wait! He’s not-!”

“Move damn it!” the other one joined the first one dragging me back with ease “Nothing to do anymore!”

“Wait!!”

“Stop struggling! Do you want to die here?!” the entrance to the building kept getting away, my feet weakly struggling against the ground.

“He’s not dead!!” I yelled.

“Sorry to break the news to you like this, kid, but he is!” one of them roared, finally giving one last pull and making me lose my footing.

“He’s not-..! He’s still alive! He is!!” I insisted, not able to do more than protesting and squirming a little, my head spinning and my vision darkening quickly “He’s… He’s not…” I felt my head roll and the guys say something. Everything around me turned and faded, the last thing I heard was the muffled blast of another strike from the storm.

\--

I jumped awake, eyes wide and sweat on my brow. I put a hand over my chest, feeling the accelerated heart beat poking at my palm, and tried to calm down. After a few seconds, I finally looked around, at the pale, stained walls, a dark door and a few bunks haphazardly scattered in the room. There was another lump in the closest to me.

A long sigh left me as I stood up, letting the tension of the nightmare roll off my back. I walked to the bed with shaky legs and pulled softly at the blankets.

“Hyung?” I called “Hyung where are-?” I halted, confusion and growing fear crawling from my legs to my neck.

It wasn’t Sunggyu.

_No, no, no, it was a nightmare, he’s got to be somewhere else… It **was** a nightmare…_

The man grunted and turned to look at me. He raised an eyebrow at my shocked face, then spoke.

“Who are you?” he asked, waiting for a while and then blinking in recognition “Oh, right, the kid we took from the streets” he said rubbing his eyes.

_It **has** to be… It was..._

“Where…?” I trailed off.

“What?”

The door opened behind us.

“Oh, he’s awake, good” I heard a woman say “Did you-?”

“Where is he?” I finally asked, hearing the strain in my voice.

“Sorry, who?”

“Where is my hyung?”

“Who, dear?” the woman tried.

“My hyung! Sunggyu, where is he?!” I turned to her and strode to the door.

“Wait, kid” the man called, but I ignored it and pushed through the door.

I made a quick walk towards an open door to the side, from where the dim glow of a new day was coming in. I stormed out to a wide area surrounded by battered fences. Two women were walking towards my direction while talking.

“Excuse me?” I called, to what they looked at me in question “Do you know where is the man that was with me?”

They looked at each other for a second and then shrugged.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about” one said.

“When did you get here?” the other asked asked.

“I… Yesterday? Or… The storm, the thunderstorm…”

“Oh, yes, yesterday” the first nodded “But we didn’t see you arrive, sorry”

“But-“

“Hey, kid” the man’s voice came from behind.

I turned around sharply to face him.

“Tell me you brought him too”

“Look, I understand you’re-“

“ _Where is he_?” I stressed. The man sighed and rubbed his face “Where are we? You left him behind! Where did you find me? Take me there”

“You shoul-“

“Just take me there!” I nearly screamed, then shut my eyes trying to calm down “Just, please… He might still be there” I pleaded.

“There’s nothing there, kid”

“If you don’t take me there I’ll go by myself, but at least tell me where!”

The man sighed and ran a hand through his dark, tangled hair, but finally threw his hands up.

“Whatever, if it’ll make you accept the reality then follow me”

I said nothing, ignoring whatever he had meant as I walked hurriedly behind him as he guided me back to the place where I had fainted. He walked me for the eight blocks or so that distanced us from that place, then let me go on my own. I could smell the wavering scent of smoke from somewhere while I almost ran from door to door, peaking inside every building because I couldn’t remember which one had I entered the previous night. Everything seemed to be void of signs of him until I finally stepped into the ruins of a bank, past the empty frame of the windows of the first corridor and into what had been the lobby. After I got used to the dimmer light, I found the bag in the middle of the tarnished floor. I stumbled in and scanned the place, taking the bag and checking the contents to make sure it was ours. It was, but Sunggyu was nowhere to be seen.

“Where…?” I whispered, walking around the place and searching in every room I could find “Where is he?”

“Kid!” I heard the mad call from the main entrance.

“He’s not here!” I called back in fright, walking my way to the bag and picking it up. I noticed the tiny stain of darkened blood near it on the floor “He must have gone somewhere-“

“Listen kid-“

“I told you he was still alive-!”

“Kid-“

“You have to help me find him-“

“They must have taken him away already”

I blinked confused.

“What? Taken him where? What are you talking about?”

“We informed the group that there was a dead person here-“

“He’s not dead!!” I shrieked, hurting my throat in the process.

“Listen!” I glared at him, but let him continue “It’s almost noon, so there’s been plenty of time for one of us to come here and take the bo- Ok, to take _him_ away” he corrected himself.

“What are you saying?” I barked in anger.

“I’m sorry kid, but your friend is not-”

“Shut up! He probably woke up alone and thought… Maybe he thought something happened to me and… And now he’s looking for me…”

“I know it’s hard to accept, but-“

“ _Minho!_ ” someone called from the outside “ _You there?_ ”

The man gave me a last look before walking out. I saw him step out and talk with someone, they looked at me them spoke some more. I was numbly watching them, still fumbling with the contradictory thoughts in my head. I wasn’t able to decide what to feel or what to believe, still unable to grasp the building emotions inside me. I was barely starting to feel the tightness in my chest, only beginning to blink the unwanted dampness in my eyes, the first strands of denial started roping with the coarse anguish, when the man, Minho, called to me.

I was already crying by the time they walked me back to the building where I had woken up. I didn’t know where they were taking me, but I was guided to another room, the man told me something I couldn’t focus on, and then left.

\--

Minutes walked past me, and a blur of emotions trampled over me as a stampede while I sat alone in that room.

I first felt numb, confused and disoriented. Then, with a rashness that surprised me, I felt betrayed, abandoned. The cascade of feelings flowed through me with alarming speed and intensity, driving me among high waves of anger and anguish, denial and cold disconnection.

I was having a terrible headache, my chest would not let me breathe normally, pushing and pressing the air in wheezy whimpers or irregular gasps, my throat hurt, and my eyes felt swollen and irritable. But every time I managed to calm down a little bit, I pictured him limp on the cold ground and I broke crying again.

Between all the emotions and confusion, though, there was one thing clear and urgent in my mind. I wanted to see him, wherever it was that they had taken him, I wanted to look at him. If I wasn’t going to see him anymore, if this was really the end of it, then I wanted, _needed_ to take a last look at him.

“Hey” the voice of Minho startled me, making me hiccup through my messy sobbing. He was at the door, my bag on his hand “I’m leaving this here” he said, placing the bag beside me, and then putting something else above it.

I felt new tears in my eyes as I recognized Sunggyu’s jacket, my hands shot immediately to snatch it from his hands and held it tightly.

“Where is him?” I sobbed “Please, just let me see him”

“Uh…” the doubt in his voice made me look up, and I found him staring at me with light puzzlement “I guess you weren’t listening to me when I brought you here” he said finally “He’s there, kid” he pointed with his head to a door at the other side of the room.

I jumped from my place and dashed to the door, barging in and whipping my head around in search. And there he was, lying on a bunk and covered with several blankets. He was just like the night before, pale and so very still. I walked closer, reaching for his hand and squeezing it between my fingers. My hands were shaking, a new choking feeling taking hold of me.

“Hyung…” I croaked out, unable to process this turn of events in my head “Don’t… Don’t leave me alone…” I choked on my own words as I started sobbing again.

“He’s alive” a new voice said from behind, making me jump in my place. Then I processed the words.

“W- What? Alive?” I sniffed, unwilling to take my eyes my hyung and bringing his hand to my chest, feeling the air fill my lungs again as if I had been drowning. My whole body slumped against the bed as my legs faltered “He’s not…? He’s still alive?”

“Well… Barely, he’s… There’s nothing we can do… ” the voice trembled and trailed off.

“How-?” I turned around, and my words died in my mouth. I watched the man in front of me with my mouth hanging open, my eyes round and still teary, my hand tightening over Sunggyu’s “Wha…?” I gasped, and felt a warm current of confusion, surprise, relief and gratefulness as he walked closer “Oh God…”

“Hey Jongie” he said with a weak voice, his lips stretched in an amazingly familiar smile, though edged with sadness.

“Oh God!” I sniffed and hiccupped, placing Sunggyu’s hand back on the bed and giving one last hesitant look at him before turning again to make sure my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me, but the guy was still there, faltering smile and big eyes towards me “Hyung?” he nodded and I felt something like a smile pulling at my lips "Hyung... Sunggyu hyung! Look!" I turned around and took his hand again "We found... We found him... " I trailed off, almost expecting him to open his eyes and smile at me.

“Jong" the other's voice called me from behind, and I had to pull my eyes away from Sunggyu beore I sarted crying again. "Just… Come here” he breathed out and walked closer, arms stretched towards me.

I was still trying to tame my astonishment as I hugged him back.

“Yeol hyung!” I cried in bewilderment “I can’t believe it!”

“Me neither, Jong” he chuckled dryly “Me neither”

 


	17. Silent farewell

I sniffed back softly, releasing a long breath through my mouth, as my nose was still clogged and leaking a bit. I kept my eyes shut, my whole body relaxed, tired and unmoving, my attention floating over the simplicity of a weak heartbeat and thin breathing, a cold hand between my fingers and a limp body beneath my head.

A hand patted lightly my head, I smiled a little.

“Come on, Jong, eat something” Sungyeol’s voice insisted from somewhere near me, his hand still on my hair.

I blinked my eyes open, feeling the warm and cool play of new and old tears edging my eyelids, and focused on the blurry image of the tall man standing beside me.

“Can’t” I choked out.

“You need to” he pressed on “He won’t go anywhere”

I felt the air in me stall and stumble out. I lifted my gaze without moving my head from its place, to watch the ever so pale figure of Sunggyu lying on the thin bed.

“You don’t know that” I said, my voice nothing but a weak whimper.

“Letting your strength dim to nothing won’t help him” Sungyeol said pulling a chair near me and dropping down on it “And your head on his chest either, I think. Come on, eat a little al least” he pushed the little plastic container into my free hand and set a metallic cup of water on the floor beside me.

I forced down a little bit of the food and water, wishing there was some way to make Sunggyu have some too, some way to do something about his weakening strength, the pitiful beating of his heart or the minimal breathing. But all there was to do for him was to keep him warm and unharmed, and wait for the inevitable to happen. I clenched my teeth and wiped angrily the irritating tears from my face.

“This…” I shut my eyes tight and fought against the surging impotence that made me want to break something and wail in a corner “This is so fucking unfair” I finally gritted.

“What isn’t, Jong?”

“But… We came so far… We’re so close! And we found you!.. And he doesn’t know” I tried to fight back the dark thoughts, but they were so inevitably nourished by my fears that I could not hold them in “And he’ll…”

“Sungjong…”

“He’ll never know”

“Don’t say that”

“Just look at him! Look at him, hyung! You yourself told me that there was nothing we could do, that there was no one here to help him! How then? How is he even…? How will he-?” I choked on my words “What..?” I sobbed and let my head fall again on Sunggyu’s chest.

“Sungjong, don’t lose your faith yet, he won’t give up so easily”

“You don’t know” I said between tiny, wet gasps “You don’t know… He was so wasted already and I couldn’t… He’s been pushing for so long and now…”

“Enough, Sungjong” I felt his hands gripping at my arms “I know this doesn’t look good but… We’ll find a way, I’ll find a way to do something”

“How?”

“I don’t know… I-Just…” he trailed of, and I lifted my eyes to find him staring at hyung with a quivering brow “We’ll find something” he said with a weak but determined voice.

“What if…?” I started, but I was tired of feeling so hopeless, tired of fearing the unavoidable, so I beat the looming thoughts back and sat up “I should have done something sooner”

“What would you have done?”

“I don’t know, but I knew he was weakening, I knew he was sick and worsening”

“And what could you have done?” he inquired again.

“I don’t know” I stressed.

“The way I see it, you saved him”

I couldn’t help the scoff at that “Saved him? Are you serious, hyung?”

“As far as I know his heart’s still beating and that means he’s still alive, is he not?”

“For now”

It surprised me the hard slap I got on the back of my head, sending me almost crashing over Sunggyu again.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Sungyeol spat angrily “I know you came a long way and I don’t know what you’ve been through, but at least _try_ to have some hope for him! He’s still alive, Sungjong, right in front of you, breathing!”

“Bu-“

“But nothing! What would he feel if he were to hear you right now? What if he is?” I stayed quiet for a while, suddenly feeling guilty and fearing that Sunggyu was actually hearing everything we were saying “Don’t give up on him, Sungjong” he asked in a weaker voice “Not when he needs us the most”

I spent a long while sobbing hopelessly again, Sungyeol’s arms around me. His eyes were glistening with repressed tears and shadowed by a heavy scowl as he patted my back.

\--

I woke up from an uncomfortable nap not long after, but Sungyeol was nowhere to be seen. I approached the bed where Sunggyu was resting and took my place by his side, taking his hand in mine. I contemplated his pale face for some time, my mind almost blank and my fingers brushing softly over his cold skin.

“I’m sorry, hyung” I finally croaked “I didn’t mean what I said before, Yeol hyung is right”

“Of course I am”

“What?” I turned around “Oh, hyung, where were you?”

“I told you I’d find a way to help him” he said, though his face and voice did not show too much joy.

“You did?” I felt a renewed wave of hope rush through me.

“Yeah, I talked to a friend of mine. She’s going to go to a city not far from here, they seem to have more medical supplies and resources and he could get some help there”

“Really? Then…” I turned to Sunggyu “You hear that, hyung? We’re taking you where you’ll get help-“

“No, Jong”

“Huh?” I looked at Sungyeol inquiringly and saw his eyes on our hyung, his mouth pursued and a look of conflict in his face.

“We’re not taking him anywhere”

“What? But he needs to go, you just told me-“

“Yes, he needs to go, but we’re not taking him”

I waited for him to explain himself but he just kept quiet “Sungyeol hyung?”

He sighed “We can’t go, Jong, he’ll go on his own”

“What?” my voice came out a little louder than I expected “Are you joking? How is he supposed to do that? Why can’t we go?”

“They’re taking the truck and it’s cramped. I managed to get a place for him, but we’re not able to tag along”

I gaped at him before I could say anything, pulling the first thing I could from the tangle of thoughts “Wh-What truck?”

He blinked up at me “The only truck we have”

“I… what?”

“Guess you didn’t see any in your way” he shrugged “We have a truck working, it’s actually a pick up, but serves us the same”

“What? Where did you take it from?”

“The streets?”

“I haven’t seen anything like that in all our way here…” I trailed off, trying not to think back to that little town.

“It’s logical I guess. Most of the cars and trucks are burnt to the core or simply destroyed. This one appeared under a fallen bridge, a little beat up but surprisingly stable”

“What about the gas?”

“When the truck was found we were sent to find the combustible. We didn’t find much with the gas stations blown up in their majority, but we’re managing”

“So you actually have a truck working? Amazing”

“Extremely helpful, honestly”

“Is it the only one?”

“Over here” he nodded “I’ve heard there are some other vehicles working in some way or another in the capital”

“Really?”

“I don’t know, rumors say so”

We fell in silence for a few moments. Then I took a deep breath and spoke again “So… We can put hyung in the truck toward that city”

“Yes”

“Alone”

“Yes”

“I… I don’t know” I doubted, glancing at the unconscious form beside me.

“He won’t be alone, actually” Sungyeol approached “My friend will be with him”

“How trustful is he?”

“She”

“Oh, well?”

“I trust her”

“Enough to put hyung’s life in her hands?” I could not tame the harsh note in my voice.

“Yes, Jong, she’s a friend I’ve known since before this happened. I told her about hyung, she’ll take care of him”

“I still don’t like the idea”

“It’s the only thing we can do”

“We could take him ourselves”

“How?”

“Mh” I shrugged, and Sungyeol laughed a little.

“Right” he sighed “It’s the best we can do for him right now”

I let out a sigh of my own, not sure why I was feeling so down if it really was the best.

\--

Sungjong was sleeping on a mattress on the floor, he had refused to leave the room but his eyelids kept dropping, so I pulled a mattress from one of the bunks an dragged it for him. He fell asleep immediately. Now he was curled under a few jackets, his hair and boot clad feet peeking out.

Sunggyu was another story, he was still, so very still that I checked his pulse every now and then, just to be sure. He was still white as chalk, deep shadows on his face and his heart weak and feeble. I could see the remains of bruises on his face, had seen some more on his arms and neck, and a dirty bandage over his thigh. What had they been though? I could only guess, but I supposed their trip had not been an easy one. Then again, what was easy nowadays? My own bruises spoke on their own.

I had thought that I had hardened up, that I could manage almost anything after all we had been through, after all I had seen and done. I had thought I had lost everyone, all of them, and had no chance to ever see them again. Why, then, did they come back? When I thought I was over the worst, now he appeared in front of me, only to disappear again? Isn’t that cruel?

I could not hide my anguish from myself, could not help the deep sigh and sad thoughts of what could happen now, the unavoidable nostalgia that filled me with memories of better times, of distended hours and cheery talks, of healthy faces and loud laughs. And now there they were, exhausted and defeated, hanging on the verge of death. And I had to send him away, maybe would not see him ever again. Was this a last chance then? One last glace gifted to me for some cruel reason? Maybe it had been, after all. Sungjong had come along, was it the reason? To leave Sungjong under my care when Sunggyu couldn’t go on?

I groaned and ruffled my hair in frustration, standing up from the chair and walking aimlessly through the room. _That’s not the reason. There’s no reason! They ended up here by coincidence, a damn good coincidence and now they have a second chance! **He** has a second chance!_ ,I barked in my head, pushing away all the grim thoughts and trying to stay positive. It was enough that Sungjong was losing his faith, I could not let that happen, not when such a fragile opportunity had surged up. We had found each other, never mind the circumstances, we were together now.

I flopped down again and rubbed my eyes, running a hand over my face and feeling the thin scar near my jaw. I kept touching it absentmindedly until a silly idea popped in my head. A little chuckle left me as I walked out of the room. Silly might be, but we could use some silliness.

\--

I rubbed the wet rag softly over the pale skin, now smooth and clean, and smiled to the still face.

“Now he looks ready for a new trip, right?” Sungyeol’s voice sounded forcibly happy, obviously trying to put a little optimisms and light mood to the situation.

I simply nodded, running a finger over Sunggyu’s just shaved skin. He looked better, but the image was even worse now, he looked so much more like the old times, clean and soft, only his face had lost the rounded edges and the rosy color. And it was only adding insult to injury, the worry and regret now mixed with heavy melancholy, almost solid between my ribs, like a taunting picture with the sole purpose of digging deeper into the heartache.

There was a long sigh, I wasn’t sure if it had been me, Sungyeol or maybe both. The silence wouldn’t budge, and the sound of my hyung slumping somewhere faded quickly. We sat still, our thoughts probably roaming restlessly but trapped between the same walls, the impotence and the pessimism, the unavoidable feeling that we were grasping at straws, that no matter how much we tried to convince ourselves that this was the best, it was still not enough. He wouldn’t make it. I even felt better taking him with me to wherever I was to go, carry him on my back if I had to, but the idea of letting go was frightening, the knowledge that I would probably never know what happened to him once he was out of my sight was nauseating. We had come so far, so close…

“I know it’s hard to believe, but it _is_ the best we can do” Sungyeol insisted, I had lost count of how many times he had said something similar. I knew already that he was trying to reassure himself as much as me “Come on, Jongie, let’s get the bag ready” he patted his thighs and stood up, walking slowly to the wall and picking up the discarded bag.

I silently complied, setting to rummage through the things inside. I soon realized that it was Sunggyu’s bag, and mine had been the one dropped back during the storm. I was secretly glad, some stupid emotional corner of me happy that I had Sunggyu’s stuff with me and I could take some of it after we sent him off.

I wasn’t sure what to do, but Sungyeol told me to take out the empty bottles and to pack a few extra objects he gave me, like a pair of pants and a pair of boots, he packed Sunggyu’s jacket and a thicker blanket than the one he had. I felt a little silly, like we were preparing the bag for our little brother’s first camping trip or something, but the feeling was welcome. Anything beside the sour reality.

While trying to accommodate the boots at the bottom of the bag, my fingers touched something hard and cold. I hooked my finger on a loop and pulled softly, guessing I had forgotten to take a metal water bottle or something. Sungyeol reacted before me when I took the object out, gasping loudly and grabbing my wrist tightly just before I tried to fling the thing away in surprise and slight shock. We watched the gun for a few seconds, eyes wide and brains running until Sungyeol closed his eyes and shook his head softly. Then he started laughing.

“What… are you laughing at?” I breathed out, still eyeing my finger looped millimeters away from the trigger.

“You didn’t know he had this?”

“I… No, I didn’t… Damn!”

“Why does this not surprise me, hyung?” he asked loudly, looking at the bed behind us. The silent answer seemed to take a little of his amused spirit, but then he smiled again “Alright”

“What are we supposed to do with this?”

“Well, first let’s see if it’s loaded”

“What?”

“Give me”

“What are you-?“

“Just give me” he reached out and took the gun with careful fingers, slowly maneuvering it until he pointed it down and pulled the top back with his free hand, hummed and nodded, then let go and placed the handgun on the floor.

“So?”

“Empty, as expected, he wouldn’t carry a gun loaded in his bag”

“Alright…” I tried to ignore the fact that Sunggyu was carrying a handgun in his backpack the whole time and I had no idea, and focused on the task at hand “So what do we do with it?”

“We put it back in” he said simply.

“What? You can’t leave a gun in there”

“He had it, he should keep it”

“But… It…”

“I’m sure he knows how to use it”

“That’s not the point”

“What is it, then?”

“What if someone looks in here and steals it or something?”

“Don’t worry about that, I’ll tell Hyojin to take care of his belongings until he can do it himself”

I pressed my lips together to swallow back the skepticism and nodded “Right”

“Right” he echoed, surely thinking likewise “But check if you find any ammunition”

“Uh, how is that supposed to look like?” I asked while moving the contents of the bag.

“It should be like a little dark… uh, box of the size of the grip of- Oh! Yes, that’s it” he took the object I held in my hand “Are there more?”

We found three of those enveloped in a flannel shirt, so we added the gun and placed the bundle at the bottom of the bag and only over the pants, so it wouldn’t be tangible form outside. Done with that, Sungyeol took the machete and stared at it thoughtfully, then asked me for the pocket knife and held both blades in silence. He finally folded the pocket knife and buried it near the handgun, placing the bigger blade on the floor next to him. I didn’t even argue, even if I felt a little bad for taking hyung’s machete, it was not possible to hide it like the other two weapons, and Sungyeol seemed to like it quite a bit.

“You don’t seem too bothered by the size of that thing” I commented as I shut the bag and pushed it to the side.

He shrugged “I’m more put off by the dark stains on it”

“Oh” I shivered violently.

“I guess you know where those came from?”

“Yeah… It’s… Yeah”

“Ok, no need to tell me. I trust he did what he had to”

“Yes, he… Uh, he did”

I felt his eyes scan me for a little while, then some shifting and rustling. I looked up and found him rubbing a rag over the blade “Let’s try to get rid of the evidence” he muttered, not really in a joking tone.

“You got a big knife too?” I asked almost conversationally.

“Just a hunting knife” he shrugged.

“ _Just_ a hunting knife, alright”

“Hey, compared to Sunggyu’s little arsenal it’s a toy”

I let out another sigh “I can’t believe he had that and I didn’t realize”

“He probably didn’t want you to know”

“I can tell, yes, but where did he get it? I mean, I don’t think he had it the whole time or he would have used it with those three fuckers”

“Who?” his eyes widened slightly.

“Uh, just a few outlaws he found on our way… The… The dark stain…” I pointed to the weapon in his hand and he let out a little sound of understanding.

“So you fought a bunch of… what was it that you called them?”

“Outlaws” I provided, and he hummed “You know, the scary people? The dangerous ones?”

“So you call them outlaws?”

“Yeah, don’t you?”

“Not really”

“How then?”

“Uh, well, there are several names, scums, fuckers, assholes, you pick your favorite” I snorted as he waved his hand in a wide gesture “But outlaws sounds just about right, maybe we should start using it”

“Well, I had the little hope that you didn’t have to deal with those”

“What?” he scoffed loudly “Dream on, Jong, why do you think I have that hunting knife for?”

“Really?”

He placed the blade on the ground again. He stretched his back with a groan and then rested his back against the wall, looking at me with a blank face and then letting a little breath of what sounded like resignation “I didn’t tell you”

“What?”

“You see, Jongie, we’re here pretty much out of choice”

“Who?”

“All of us, the people you see here, the majority of us came here with a purpose, and will probably leave at some point not far ahead”

“And what is this purpose?”

“Collect supplies and lost people, and fend off the _outlaws_ ” he gestured quotation marks with his fingers “I’ve handled knifes and a few guns, didn’t fire any though”

“And where do you take all you… collect?”

“I guess…” he shifted in his place, trying to get comfortable against the wall “I should start from the beginning”

“Of what?” I asked, feeling a bit disoriented by his intermittent flux of information.

“You do know that there are people working on repairing some water and energy plants, right?”

“Yes”

“Well, there’s one particular water plant that seems to be on the right way to be restored, and it’s in the outskirts of the capital”

“Really?” I leaned in, unable to hold in the surprise.

“Yes, there was really few people working on it, but the progress started promising. They tried to look for more capable helpers to aid, friends, coworkers or acquaintances of the technicians whose addresses or locations were known. Things started moving and people started knowing. But information moves in weird ways nowadays” he shook his head “For some reason, the news of a functioning water plant spread nearby, and people started flocking to the capital. The thing is, there was no functioning water plant, not yet, there still isn’t. So the crowd gathered and the water was nowhere to be seen”

“Did the people leave?”

“No, they stayed there, first row when the repairs are done… If they ever are. The problem is that the… population, you could say, was growing and there was not enough food or water to sustain them. The capital started trying to stop the newcomers, people got nervous, some of them were from pretty far away and didn’t want to go back, then camps happened, and what happens when unprotected camps happen?”

“Outlaws”

“Exactly. Things got a little nasty, and not only the capital but also the nearby inhabited towns started having trouble with supplies and violent groups, so we started moving out to search for the first and push off the second. They are after the damned truck and any gas we find. Not to mention the basic supplies, but the bastards enjoy some havoc here and there too, I’ve heard some even started trying to get near the water plant”

“Well, that’s bad”

“I know”

I took a moment to mentally curse at those damned outlaws before wondering “So are you some kind of scout group?”

“Uh… I suppose you could see it that way”

“And what about the lost people you mentioned?”

“Oh, well, sometimes we find someone who’s lost or hurt or running away from a group of scums, so we help them out. There’s the importance of the truck”

“But you’ve never been to the capital?”

“Not since the big fuck up, no”

“The what-? Oh, wait, right”

“Yeah”

“So you look around for stuff with the truck”

“Exactly”

I rolled the information in my head and finally decided to ask “Where you, by any chance, at some little run down town with the truck? Few days ago? Near a river?”

“I… Think, yes, why?”

“I think… I mean, if I’m not wrong, we were there when your truck left”

Sungyeol blinked at me in silence, he frowned slightly and then slumped against the wall “You were?”

“I remember hearing an engine while I searched for water, and then we saw the mark of tires near the road” I waited for him to say something, but he kept quiet, his mouth pressed in a tight line and his expression hard “Hyung?”

“So you were there”

“Uh, yeah”

“You were _right there_ , both of you… conscious”

“Yes…”

He let out a long breath and closed his eyes, dropping his head back and clicking his tongue “Fucking damn it” he muttered angrily.

“What’s wrong?”

He laughed humorlessly “What’s wrong? Really? I had you less than a mile away, he was still conscious!” he waved sharply at the bed “He was still healthy enough to… But no, I didn’t realize and now I found you like _this_ ”

“Hyung, I… How would you have known?”

“I don’t know! I… Hyunsoo said we should take a look deeper into the town, I should have listened to him” he ran a hand through his hair “But the guy, I mean, he was from the town, he had been staying there and he said there was no one but the three of them so… I thought-“

“Hyung, it’s ok-“

“No it’s not! If I had found you back then this wouldn’t have happened”

“But you didn’t know, and frankly, how would you even imagine we were roaming around… wherever that place was?”

“It would have only taken us an hour at most to check the damned place!”

“Beating yourself over it won’t change anything, hyung!”

“But-!”

“Stop it!”

He made a strangled noise, something between an angry groan and a whimper “How can I, when I know I could have avoided this and I didn’t?”

“Why do you say it as if it’s your fault this happened? It’s not, no one would think so-“

“I think so!”

“Look, if _I_ am not at fault for what happened, then neither are you!” he opened his mouth to argue back, but I kicked his leg and continued “Weren’t you telling me to drop the self-beating hours ago? _You did what you could? What else could you have done?_ Well, you had no idea we were there, hyung. How would you? I could have tried to approach you too, you know? But I didn’t, and well? Is it my fault now? You said it, hyung” I rubbed his arm roughly, trying to shake him out of it “We did what we thought best”

He dropped his head on his palms and rubbed angrily at his face “I… I just… If only-“

“If only I had tried to see what the noise was”

“What?”

“If only I had hurried through that damned bridge, if only I had persuaded him to take the long way instead of the short cut”

“What are you saying?”

“If only I had made him stay longer at that last town-“

“Alright, stop it, why are you even saying all that?”

“For nothing, there’s no point”

“What?”

“ _If only_ won’t change what happened hyung”

“I know…”

“Then stop it. It happened, it was not your fault if it was not mine” I shifted closer and dropped my head on his shoulder “Let’s not beat ourselves over it, it’ll solve nothing”

He moved a little and patted my knee “You know that’s not possible”

“Yes, but we can at least try”

“I won’t say it if you don’t?”

“Something like that”

“Alright, we could try” he conceded, his voice still grave.

The glow of the day was fading quickly, the wind whispering and howling cold and wet. The faint noise of the people outside was the only thing we could hear besides our breathing. Sunggyu’s bag lied next to me, a solid and unavoidable reminder of our imminent departure. I took a deep breath to relax, to dissipate the sadness and reluctance and to remind myself why I was doing it, why I was sending him away. Sungyeol’s hand on my knee squeezed softly.

“He’ll be fine” I murmured more to myself than anyone.

Sungyeol hummed, then asked in a lighter voice “I bet he also blames himself for half the things that happened”

I snorted and nodded, but the little smile was wiped off my face right after “He did” I agreed, pushing back the memories of our sudden change of way, feeling Sungyeol turn his head to me, almost hearing the question in his mind, but I didn’t feel like explaining. Not yet “He did,” I repeated instead, trying to sound less grim “he does, and he will”

There was silence, quiet avoidance from my part and mute inquiry from Sungyeol, but he finally relented and reached out, bringing a lamp close and turning it on. He pushed it back a little and leaned against the wall again, letting the orange light engulf us.

I saw from the corner of my eyes how he stared longingly at the bed where Sunggyu was, when he muttered “I guess we learnt from the best”

\--

The pick-up truck was dirty, mud, dust, scratches on the paint and some dents. The tires were covered in dirt, the windows had the imprints of rough wipes that cleared the view, the back of the vehicle was filled to the brim with boxes, bundles, barrels and a few people. I watched as Sungyeol and another man slowly got our hyung, wrapped up in several blankets, in the back seat, where three people were already sitting. I could see Sungyeol’s friend, Hyojin, at the far end, reaching out to hold Sunggyu’s shoulders and then accommodating him against her like a sleeping child, his head limp on her shoulder. I had no more mistrust left in me for her, after spending the whole morning watching her taking care of Sunggyu with utmost care, and now cradling him as if he were her little brother. There was only heavy, sticky gratefulness and hope for her help, all my resent directed to the hostile roads and the skies.

When they were done, Sungyeol motioned for me to walk closer, and I carried the bag with tense hands and a heavy heart, handing it over the other passengers to the woman. I nursed a last doubt for a second, wishing she wouldn’t look inside the bag, and then threw my hand to clasp at her fingers and squeezed, trying to convey my gratitude and plea as my words didn’t seem to be willing to come out. She smiled at me and pressed back “I’ll take care of him, do not worry boys” she said, adding a gentle brush of fingers over Sunggyu’s hair for good measure.

After moving hyung’s feet a little to close the door, the engine came to life, and I found myself searching with sudden urgency for a little, minimal bit of space in the backside of the truck where I could squeeze in. There was none, but I still took a few anxious steps forward when the vehicle started moving away. Sungyeol’s hand on my shoulder stopped me, and the truck distanced from us so quickly that I didn’t even had the time to dwell over it before it disappeared behind the darkened buildings, the rumbling sound echoing for a long while after.

We both stood in place as the other people dispersed to keep with their duties, my feet rooted to the ground and my mind reeling.

He was gone, I had sent him away, unconscious and alone, sick and practically dying, in foolish hopes that he would get better somewhere else. And I would probably never see him again.

“He’ll be fine, Sungjong” Sungyeol pulled me back “I trust Hyojin will do the best she can, she’ll take him to the right people…”

“I want to go north” I blurted out, not able to answer him without losing my composure.

“What?”

“I need to get to Seoul, Yeol hyung, I have to end this damned trip”

“This… I mean…”

“I know you have a job here, I only ask you to help me out a little so I can have the right directions and…” I breathed deeply and turned away from the empty road “I will get there, and I’ll find the rest of the guys”

“Alright” he said in a soft voice.

I nodded and forced my feet back towards the building we were occupying “Thank you, hyung. I’ll need a new bag and-… I… I don’t even know what I need” I choked out and felt my throat betray my firm front “I just want to leave, I have to finish this…”

“Don’t worry, we’ll find all we need in no time. We’ll be off tomorrow morning” he patted my back firmly, his voice tight and measured as and walked off.

I stared after him and managed a little smile. As I followed him inside, I let myself feel the deep regret and fear, biting my lip to the verge of hurting while I burned Sunggyu’s healthy, determinate face behind my eyes, not allowing any other thought of him to invade me, and praying that he would wake up, even if it was on his own, and maybe scared for not finding me, even if I didn’t see him again…

_I’ll end this, hyung, don’t worry, I’ll find them for you._

All I wanted was for him to wake up, and find my farewell.

 

 


	18. A bittersweet end

I had my legs crossed at the ankles, the toes of my boots softly bumping in a slow rhythm, my thumbs fumbling with each other. It was a quiet morning, no wind, no rain, no thunders, no shakings, no fog. It was just the freezing air and the wasted landscape, the thick clouds barely moving and the pale glow of the day pushing back the absolute darkness of the night. Sungjong was mumbling near me, trying to pry open a package of crackers with his cold numb fingers. A minute or so into his failed attempts, I sighed and reached to take the thing away from him and pried it open with hands and teeth.

“Oh, thanks” he mumbled through his chattering teeth, huddling back next to me and taking one of the pale crackers.

They were disgustingly humid and tasted kind of bitter, but it was food, and it wasn’t rotten, apparently. I _hoped_ , at least. I cursed my nose out of habit, then reasoned that these things didn’t really have much smell of anything, not even if rotten I guessed, so it’d have been the same. The same meant, if I still had my sense of smell decently functional, even my sense of taste had suffered because of it. I wasn’t sure what exactly it had been that busted it so badly, maybe one of those hits in the head? The acidic rain, the toxic vapors? Who knew? Thing was I couldn’t smell a pile of shit if I were standing beside it… Or maybe it’d take me just a bit too long to realize I had stepped on it. It could be a lucky trait, if you took into account that I didn’t have to smell the stench of the rain on the clothes or the rotten water pooling somewhere, maybe a dead animal hidden in some corner or the punch of nauseating odor when you opened something with rotten food inside… But it could also be a disadvantage, depending on the outcome.

“All set to go?” I asked as I munched halfheartedly.

“Yeah”

“Got anything to close this back?” I poked the package on his lap.

He nodded towards the bag “Got some tape”

“Will do for a while, gonna have to eat these as long as they last” I grimace a little bit.

“Has been worse”

“How so?”

“You know…” he shrugged, said nothing more and I didn’t ask.

He had been a bit on the gloomy side since we had left the town. I understood him, I was no happier about the situation, but it was our best shot at the moment. Not much had happened since we had left, not much time either. Two days of walking, for which I was not quite accustomed, as I was shown quickly enough. It seems we didn’t move as much as he was used to, or less than he expected, or slower, I didn’t really know, because he didn’t elaborate on it too much, surely trying to avoid any reference to the days of travel prior to our encounter. The bottom line was that I was slow, I supposed.

The morning had been waiting for us for a while already, but the cold and hunger had kept us unwilling to resume our trip, and now we were trying to shake the shivers from our backs and kick our butts into walking again. It was really difficult to let go of the blankets and come out from our little nook between crumbled buildings, we kept poking at each other, but none of us gathering the will enough to actually take the initiative. When I finally felt my behind numbed from being sitting for so long in the cold, I pushed up to my feet and jumped in place to avoid the harsh bite of the cold. Sungjong seemed to decide it was enough procrastinating too, and followed suit.

It was really silent outside, there was not a soul lurking around, no steps, no bumps, not a voice, nothing at all. I wasn’t all accustomed to that, having been part of the “scout group”, as Sungjong had called it, for a long time, and being included in the big bunker my hometown had held before that, the deep quietness that now surrounded us was unnerving me more than I’d like to admit. Sungjong didn’t seem too bothered by it, probably, and very likely, worried by other matters.

Our talking was scarce, our thoughts disperse, mine at least. I was inwardly praying not to bump into any nasty business, I was not sure what we could find closer to the capital, had never been there since before the whole thing happened. I half dreaded what we would find. For moments I had wondered how many people would there be huddling outside, how far would they go? Would they be calm? Desperate? Aggressive? How would the city be? Was it still imposing and lively? I doubted that, but maybe it was at least still the liveliest out there? What if it wasn’t? Maybe it was ruined and empty… No, that couldn’t happen, the rumors said there was activity in there, and what about the water plants, the electricity facilities, the reorganization of the military forces… There were a lot of those rumors going around, no one knew which ones to believe and which to disregard, but, deep down, we wanted to believe them all.

There were also the bad rumors, and those, we didn’t need someone to tell us, there was no need for voices to carry them through miles; just give a lost, beaten man a long and sleepless night to brood over his life, and the worst of thoughts will sprout in his mind.

\--

We barely moved forward, it must have been a mile or even less, when we first spotted something strange. It was actually Sungyeol who saw it, if it were for me, I’d have noticed a while later, maybe too late.

It was while we walked on a big, deserted road; the sides separated by a dry band of soil and dead plants, metal railings on the edges, the pavement cracked and tires markings dark on the surface. There were a few cars overturned and a burnt truck struck across the broken railings. I felt like I was in some Hollywood scene.

“Look at that” Sungyeol had said, pointing with a nod towards a particular car, windshield smashed and two missing doors.

“Yeah…” I agreed, not sure what I was supposed to see “What is it?”

“Don’t you see it’s missing the doors?”

“Yes… So what? I’ve seen worse” I shrugged.

“Yeah, but I mean…” he took a look around, I imitated him, just in case “Look closely, don’t you see the marks?”

“Marks?”

“Handprints” he clarifies, and for some reason, that lonely, silly words made my skin crawl on my arms.

“Oh… “ I took a few steps closer to the car and looked pointedly. Indeed there were handprints all over it “They look… Recent”

“Exactly”

“But… What could this mean? I mean, besides the fact that there must be people around”

“They took the doors”

“Oh… Oh, you must be right” I nodded again, approaching the car and noticing how the edges of the doors were roughly torn and bent, evidence of crude hits and cuts over the dirty metal “But why would they do that?”

“I don’t know…”

“Well…” I eyed the road ahead and breathed deeply “I guess we should be more careful from now on”

“I agree on that” he said, a serious scowl in his face as he resumed his walking, only slower this time.

Minutes after that he stopped again “Now look at that” he murmured.

“What now?”

“Over there, do you see it?” he stretched his arm out, index finger pointing in the distance as his eyes narrowed a bit.

I tried following his gaze, but ended up watching around and miles away from where he was pointing.

“I don’t think I’m seeing it, hyung”

“Just-” he clicked his tongue and held my face with his hands from behind, then turned it to the side and pointed his finger again, right beside my face “ _There_ , do you see those things?”

I blinked a few times, about to say that no, I still didn’t see a thing, but then I did. Dots in the distance, more like spots, _things_ … “What are those?”

“Remember when I told you about the people flocking to the capital?”

“Yeah”

“And that some started camping in the outskirts?”

“Ye-… Wait, those are…?”

“I suppose”

“They’re pretty far, though”

“We’re not that far, Jong… and I guess that means there’ll be more the closer we get”

“And that is… A bad thing? I suppose?”

“It could be, I don’t know what kind of people we’re talking about”

“Well, better to avoid the risk of finding out”

“What?”

“I mean, better to miss the chance of meeting potentially friendly people and not risk finding out they were not friendly at all, right?”

“Uh… Well, yeah, sure”

“We don’t know how many they are” I tried to explain.

“I don’t think they are that many, in fact”

“We’d be at a disadvantage”

“Why do you think that?”

“They could be armed, they could be a lot, they could be looking for some lost soul trying to get to the capital, they could be mad, they could be sick, they-“

“Ok, I get it” he interrupted with a little huff “Why so negative?”

I tilted my head and wondered the same thing myself, but then I remembered why, and sighed grimly “Nowadays, hyung, you should always expect the worst”

\--

Just as I had thought, the thing we had seen ahead in the road was a little hiding spot. It was a van and a little shady tent made of a big piece of rough fabric and some dented poles digging into the ground. The vehicle had a thick layer of dirt all over, the back tires missing, and a door hastily replaced by a smaller one.

“I guess there these fellows did it” I mumbled to Sungjong.

“Do you think they’re inside?”

“They probably are, I don’t see anything else around where they could be”

“Then maybe we should try going on the other side?” he nodded to the other half of the road “There is a car we could hide behind, and the railing could disguise us a bit”

“Or” I started walking again, as we had stopped at a safe distance from the improvised _hideout_ at the side of the road “We could hurry past and be done with it” I mumbled, my precautions bending under my curiosity but still held strong by the apprehension.

“What? No, hyung, wait-“

“Follow me or you’ll be seen” I warned, speed walking with my back hunched and my eyes trained on the little hut. What would happen if we were spotted? It was just a lonely van…

I heard a muffled curse and the rustling sounds of Sungjong’s feet behind me. I would have laughed at it, if it weren’t for the tinted windows of the broken vehicle following us with its silent scrutiny. Curiosity finally flew away, and I suddenly found myself fervently hoping that it was empty, or the people inside were conveniently asleep, maybe distracted? Even dead. Whatever the case as long as it meant no one seeing us walking across, doe eyed and crouching down right in front of them like skittish rabbits.

We didn’t stop our hurried sneaking until a considerable distance past the forlorn vehicle, and even then we kept our quick pace, turning suspicious glances over our shoulders until the van was nothing but a doubtful grayish mass standing out from a grayish landscape. But as I was about to let out a relieved sigh, a scattered splash of more grayish things standing out from the grayish land turned the relief in resigned apprehension.

“Hyung…” Sungjong’s voice was part question part complaint.

“I know, I see it”

“What are we going to do now?”

“Well… We can’t just…” I sighed again “We’ll just walk through, I guess”

“You think we’ll be fine?”

“I don’t know?”

I didn’t really. As Sungjong had said, at these times, you could only expect the worst from every doubtful situation, so the best we could do was trying to walk past as quickly as we could, and beg not to be seen. Both of us were a bit slow at first, really resenting having to get ourselves into that eerie scattering of… Shelters? I guessed that’s what those were, but we were a bit far to distinguish anything more than big things at the side of the wide road. Didn’t took us long to be able to see, though, and, indeed, I was right. It seemed people had adopted vehicles as their best option at getting a nook to hide in. There were pickups, trucks and some smaller cars, all broken, smashed, some a bit twisted, partially burnt, but majorly in one piece. The most destroyed ones still lay on the road, though I could see some were missing a door or two. Those were probably… _extemporaneously_ attached to some of the makeshift covers.

“Well, they don’t seem that many” my companion murmured from my side, as we slowly made our way closer.

“No, and they definitely don’t seem too… lively either”

“You think they’re all sleeping or something?”

“Uh…”

“Yeah, I know, stupid question” I heard his feet shuffling a bit on the dusty ground “But why is it so… still then? It’s creeping me out”

“Why? I don’t know where they could be… If there’s anyone at all, but I guess it’s better than having a bunch of people sprawled all around, right?”

“I… I don’t know, I mean how do we know they’re not hiding and waiting for us, or maybe dead somewhere…?”

“Let’s just get it over with, alright?” I mumbled, pushing myself forward a bit faster and starting to crouch down a little bit “Maybe this time we could actually try hiding between the railings?” I nodded to the middle of the road.

“Yeah, best choice we have, I suppose”

The hard, dead soil between the extensive concrete lanes was nearly two meters wide, and more than enough for us to slide in between. Our feet scraped the ground, kicking rocks, dust and dead grass in our way. My legs started complaining a while into the hunched walk, my thighs burning a bit and my back stiff and aching. I threw glances to the sides from time to time, growing restless second by second, hearing the shuffling of Sungjong’s steps right behind me, the hollow whistle of the wind growing louder, cold, dirty and dry. Seconds went by, minutes followed, and the quietness of everything around us, getting heavy in my nerves, finally broke with a loud, sharp noise that made me choke on my spit.

“What?!” Sungjong whispered agitatedly.

“Quiet!” I breathed back.

Silence again, and then another sound, like a strange, controlled scream, shrill and very recognizable, yet not so familiar. _I must be hearing wrong… Maybe it’s a code call between the people here?..._

“Hyung… Is that…?”

The call came again, this time accompanied by a second, almost identical. I raised a little, stretching my back only so far, and looked around us; everything looked as still as before, but the fluttering rustle that sounded to the left had me directing curious attention towards a once red truck not far from the edge of the road, just at the other side. It was missing all its tires, the windows at the sides were covered, by what I wasn’t sure, the trailer was separated, only meters away, the back doors wide open. The sound echoed in the silence, just behind the rusted doors of the trailer.

“Hyung, is…” Sungjong whispered a doubtful, almost confused tone in his voice “Is that…?” the strange scream sounded once more, then twice, thrice and the fluttering mingled in. I knew the sound, just didn’t expect to hear it “Are those… Birds?”

“I… It sounds like it” I mumbled “They sound like…” I wasn’t completely sure, but I thought I knew what kind of birds we were hearing. My doubts cleared soon enough, though, as the fluttering grew restless, and the calls of the birds overlapped messily, then a black figure surged from the back of the truck, its wings shuffling quickly before it went back from where it came “Crows”

“Oh…” a shaky sigh “Ok”

“What are those even doing here?”

“I… Hyung…”

“Maybe the place is actually empty?”

“Sungyeol hyung”

“If they’re here, then there must be something back there… There must…” I took a deep, slow breath and stood up properly. I looked around, nothing moved besides the dust and trash, the wind and dead, loose grass. I didn’t think before walking forward, stepping over the railing and slowly crossing the lane.

“Sungyeol hyung, what are you doing?”

“Just… checking” I said, feeling my eyes wide and dry, my heart hitting my ribs in a steady, quick rhythm. I didn’t know what I was waiting to find, maybe signs of human life? Evidence that people had been there not long ago? Or maybe very long ago? Remains of food, perhaps? Or… what?”

“Hyung! Don’t go, let’s just keep moving”

“Wait, it’s just a second”

“There’s no point, let’s just go” he insisted, as I heard his hurried steps catching up to me “Come on!” his voice shook a bit.

“Sungjong I just want to make sure-“

“Of what?”

“Of… I mean, of what is there…”

“It’s pointless, let’s just _go_ ” he repeated, his hands pulling at my sleeves.

I turned towards him, and was surprised to see the almost panicked expression that hardened his face “Jong, it’s ok-“

“No, it’s not! We don’t need to check on anything, I _know_ what’s in there!”

“But-“

“Don’t you _smell_ it?” his fingers dug into my arm, his eyes keen and wide “You _know_ what’s in there”

There it was, the piece I was missing “You… I can’t…”

“I don’t want to see it, you don’t need to see it. Let’s… Just… _Go_ ”

By then, he was shaking slightly, the wet glistening pooling at the edge of his eyes, and I knew we needed to go.

The birds kept screeching and shuffling behind the rusted metal, I could hear their feathers whispering against the air, pushing one another, their sharp claws scratching, and we hurried our steps more and more, until we could not hear them anymore.

\--

_Maybe they were attacked? Diseases are not the only option… Yeah, they probably were attacked by someone… Or maybe they left and there was really just leftover food back in there? I mean, there were just a few of those crows, and… But the stench, I know that fucking stench… Maybe it was only one and… And there was nobody else around? I… I guess that-_

“Hey, Jong, you ok?” Sungyeol’s voice startled me from my musings, and I choked a bit on the gasp.

 “I… Yeah, just thinking”

“About?”

“Nothing”

“The crows back there, right?”

“Mhh…”

“Let’s not think about that, ok? You said it, there’s no point”

“No I was just… Trying to figure out what could have happened”

“I told you”

“What?”

“Ransacks”

“Oh…”

“Those people were completely exposed to everything, from rain to a bunch of… How was it that you called them?”

“Outlaws”

“That”

“But…”

“But?”

“What if they moved on their own accord?”

“You mean they just said ‘oh fuck this, let’s go home’?”

“Not precisely like that” I clicked my tongue at him “But for whatever reason, what if they just left?”

“Well, it _is_ a possibility, but I wouldn’t bet on it” he sighed and rubbed at his eyes “I mean you said yourself that the place reeked, right?”

“Yeah… I mean, no”

“Oh, right, real helpful”

A mild glare was all I gave him before continuing “I mean” I bit back “It’s not like the whole place smelled like… well… Rot. It was just near that truck”

Sungyeol stopped short and looked at me with a blank face for two seconds before letting out a long puff of air and resuming his walk “Really”

“What?”

“Nothing, we could have checked some of the other vehicles, you know? Maybe find something?”

“You didn’t tell me”

“Well, I thought the place was a graveyard”

“Why?... I mean it was pretty… _notorious_ where the smell was coming from”

“Well I can’t quite tell”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t… I kinda lost my sense of smell a while ago”

I blinked at him, not realizing I had stopped waling until he brushed past me. I hurried to his side “What? Are you for real? How did that even happen?”

“Fuck if I know” he shrugged dismissively “It’s not all that bad but it can get bothersome at some situations… Like that one back there”

“Right…” I mumbled, letting my head wrap around that little fact. It was true that it wasn’t a big tragedy, but to lose your sensibility to something, just like that, not even knowing how or when and… Then having to accustom yourself to live without it because, well, screw you, you lost it “Man, that sucks”

He let out a little humorless laugh and shook his head “Nothing I’ll spend much moping about. Had my moment cursing and hating the world, but got over it pretty quickly”

“Still…”

“I guess I was lucky it was only that”

“Hm… Yeah”

“I’ve seen some blind people, other deaf”

I couldn’t stop the sigh “Shit, what a crappy time we’re having”

“Yeah, what I say is, could have been worse” he looked at me, a little shrug and a halfhearted smirk.

“I know” I mumbled “But it’s bad enough as it is”

Our talk died down then, letting way to long moments of silence and walking before coming back to pinch the quiet stillness that followed us. I subtly hurried my pace a little, managing to push Sungyeol to walk a bit faster, the outline of the city looked pretty far away, or farther than what I’d like at least, as the glow of the day had already passed its peak.

We found yet another bunch of hideouts, camping of the sorts. This time, as we were closer to the city, it happened to be a group of buildings at the side of the road. Further in there seem to have been a town, but it was all ruins now, and I mean inhabitable ones. The signs of most recent life were at the closes part to the big road; a big store and a small apartment building not too far. Again, windows planked, and the screaming crows. We didn’t even stop, just walked closer until we heard the birds, then turned around and left.

“I don’t get it” I said, our path again surrounded by nothing “I haven’t seen a goddamned dog in a year or more and now there’re crows all over?”

“There weren’t that many”

“You know what I meant”

“Yeah, but it’s not that strange. I mean, crows feed on-“

“Ok, yes, I get it”

“You asked”

“Just forget I did”

A moment of silence, then “Though, given the necessity, a dog or a cat _could_ -“

“Hyung, just shut up, please”

He hummed and threw a glance in my direction “Well, we’re close anyway. We didn’t really need anything”

“Yeah…” I answered halfheartedly, quickly realizing that we were indeed approaching the final point of the whole journey. Days and weeks and so much time I had spent walking, all I had been through, all _we_ had been through…  _No! No, don’t think of him-Of that… there’s no point, what difference…?_ I sighed heavily, ignoring Sungyeol’s questioning hum, and forcefully pushed the thick, dark emotions as further away as I could. It wasn’t much; they were there, big, heavy and oppressing, looming behind the thinnest of layers _._

The point was, I forced myself to continue my thinking, that it felt a bit unreal to be so close to the end. Not even a day away from the final stop of this… _mission_ of the sorts. And then… Then what? Would we be able to find them? Would we actually see them? After all that had happened, to meet again… Or what if they weren’t there? What if they… What if Seoul ended up being another Busan?...

“Jong” Sungyeol’s voice had me snapping my head up “Are you ok?”

“Y-Yeah, why?”

“Your face… I don’t know you’re looking a bit… Well, _very_ troubled”

“No, it’s nothing” I lied, not even close to be ready to talk about … Any of it.

“Right” he mumbled, his sidelong glance a blatant evidence of his annoyed skepticism.

I tried not to pay attention to it and focus on the task at hand, thinking rather on other problems like if there would be more hideouts closer to the city or if maybe someone would try to stop our entry, but the recurrent thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind alone.

“How long do you think we have left until we reach the capital, hyung?” I asked suddenly, not long after.

He looked at me questioningly, raising a single eyebrow and then pointing forward with a nod of his head. I followed his gesture and was met by the broken spine of the monstrous city greeting us in the distance.

“Not that much, I’m guessing, we can see it from here” he pointed with his hand to the looming mass of ruins, an eye closed as if trying to measure the distance.

I hummed “Is that really…?” I fell quiet for a little while, trying not to compare the view with my memories of the bustling city we had lived in for so long “Is that really what’s left of it?”

“Seems like it” he replied.

From afar, the tall towers looked crooked and beaten, like twisted fingers reaching out to the dark sky, alone in the cold heights and surrounded by the corpses of the packed buildings all around. The ruins covered an immense extension before us, the barren, broken highways circling the scene like a bizarre cage. Everything looked dead to my eyes, it was hard to believe this had once been the lively, restless core of our whole country, this cemetery of civilization, sunken and famished, silent and still.

“You think we’ll find them in there?” I wondered, the question leaving my mouth even before I noticed.

A few seconds of silence later, Sungyeol finally answered softly “Yeah…” and then more firmly “Yeah, we’ll find them”

\--

“What even happened here?” he whispered into the wind.

“I have no idea, but I bet the river had something to do with it”

“I can tell there’s water involved, that’s for sure” he muttered, grimacing.

“Does it smell or something?” I asked.

He scoffed lightly and gave me a wry smile “How did you notice?”   

“Just a wild guess”

“Well… It does”

“What is it?”

Another grimace “Stagnant water”

“Figures” I breathed out and rolled my shoulders “Alright, let’s get this over with” I patted my thighs as I approached the edge of the cracked lane.

We moved slowly, watching our steps with caution and keeping our hands out in case we stepped on something loose. The area was pretty much collapsed, the roads crumbled and the buildings looming in precarious positions, if not destroyed. The land was sunken, and we were trying to move forward over what was left of a crumbled highway, but we had reached a massive rupture and were forced to step down and towards what looked like a swamp. The whole place looked like a big, ugly, baleful swamp.

“Disgusting, this is disgusting” I could hear Sungjong complaining in a whinny tone while we stepped through the rubble, trying to find dry, stable footing.

“It’s just until we can hop on the highway again” I said, my eyes not leaving the ground.

“Is the whole city like this? I can’t deal with it… Where am I supposed to…? Ah, screw this…” he grunted and cursed a bit and then gasped and coughed “Oh, for fucks sake!”

“What? What is it?” I tried to look up, but I stumbled over a plastic crate and barely avoided falling face first on the muddy ground.

“This crap of… Ugh! The stupid mud! It’s way deeper than it looks and it fucking sucks your boots! Fucking seriously? It’s like walking on wet concrete!”

“What?” I finally looked at him, and found myself having to stop my laughter as I saw him doing a very grumpy imitation of a moonwalk, his hands pulling at his pants to help his legs up “Why didn’t you try to find some other way?”

“I didn’t think it was this crappy”

“I can see… Come over here, there’s better footing”

There were some more grunts, huffs and curses until he put his feet on the patch of concrete I was standing on. He sighed and glared at the gray, deceiving mass “This better not ruin my boots, they’ve been through enough”

\--

It was a slow, dubious advance, watching where we put our feet and where we should move to, where we should go through not to distance ourselves from the main road, where we could see a non-swamped path to walk. And even among all those little flags calling for my attention, it all played behind the constant expectance of reaching something, some place, some point where the journey would end and our destiny would start.

So engaged was my mind with that incoming milestone that I didn’t realize I was staring at a thin needle of white peaking from the sad color of the dense mud. It took me a few seconds to notice I was standing in place, watching the bare spine of a dead fish, half buried in the mud, pieces of its scaly skin scarcely stuck to the otherwise clean little skeleton. A blink of recognition, another of mild disgust, and then a third, a third one that brought along a choked gasp, an ugly lump in my stomach and a shiver in my back, the awful realization of our carelessness. I closed my eyes and turned away, suddenly very intent on keeping my eyes on my feet and not daring a glance anywhere else.

I must have made some kind of noise, because Sungyeol turned around, a curious eyebrow up “What is it?”

I had to swallow before replying in a dry tone “There was a dead fish”

It’s all I said, not very informative on its own, not a true reflex of what it meant in my head, but even so, it was enough. The moment the word ‘dead’ left my mouth, his head whipped around, eyes big and, if I had to say, a bit scared. Then he froze, the shock melted away and he turned his eyes to me again. I wondered if he had thought the same I had, I suspected that he did. A grim face and a grim sigh, he looked to the front and started walking again, his head strictly forward, and a little down.

There was a dead fish half buried in the mud, and there could be more, but maybe not just fish.

Silence enveloped us from then on, but only until we were able to climb up the dead highway. Then Sungyeol spoke again “It kind of gives me the creeps”

“What?”

“That swamp” he nodded to the side, where the concrete sunk in the still, dark mass “How deep do you think it is here?”

“I don’t know” I answered, not having thought about it.

“It gives me the impression that it could swallow us completely and still have some space to spare”

“It was only a feet deep back there”

“But the ground might be going downwards… I bet it is”

“Do you think that’s why there were so little people on this side?”

“There was no one”

I clicked my tongue at that, because it brought back thoughts I didn’t want in my head “You know what I mean”

“Yeah… I guess”

“I hope we’re getting closer”

“We are”

“Then I hope we’re really close”

“We are”

“I can’t stand the smell anymore”

He laughed at that.

\--

I saw it, right across the wide, crooked bridge, it had to be it. The ground did a very drastic climb on the other side, spilling into the notoriously widened river that swallowed more than it should from our side. Looking at that, I could imagine more or less what had happened; it was rather clear that the side we were standing on had fell, sunk, whatever it had done, but it created a sharp difference of height between the riversides, one side flooded, the other safe. And, therefore, it was only logical that the people, whoever had survived, had flocked to the higher part. That’s why that big wall cut through our sight ahead. Little after the last of the bridge, planks of metal, wood and stone, a tumbled car, a few loose beams, all gathered messily to build something like a wall… Or, as I saw it, a _gate_. It had to be it.

A little sound of complain shook me from my thoughts, and I turned to see Sungjong looking around with a troubled face.

“What is it?”

“The river…” he mumbled, sounding anxious, as a shiver shook him lightly.

“What about it?”

“We have to cross the river”

“Yeah, it’s not far ahead, we can see it down there, look” I signaled to the dark mass of water running little over a mile down our path, melting with the darker mud and the splash of buildings, retained by a wall of soil from the other side.

“I know, I can see it” he answered rather tightly “But… Is there no other way?”

“Don’t think so. Why would we walk around it anyway? The bridge is standing right ahead”

He clicked his tongue “Yeah, well…”

“What?”

“It doesn’t look safe”

“Well…” I wouldn’t say it did, it was twisted and bent down, the depression of the ground took it along from one side, but it seemed to have survived. The concrete seemed to have suffered quite a lot, but the metal was only bent, it still looked solid and stubbornly in place “It might not be perfect, but it’ll hold up”

“No it won’t”

“Come on, try to be a little bit optimist this time”

“I’d rather not…”

I clicked my tongue “What is it now?”

“I told you about the bridge back then, didn’t I?”

“What bridge?”

“I didn’t” he nodded to himself “Never mind, the thing is I don’t like bridges”

“Would you rather swim across the river, then?” I retorted, not understanding such obstinate apprehension.

“No, I would rather find another way to get through” he snapped back.

“Well, there isn’t any”

“How do you know that?”

“Are you serious now?”

“I don’t want to cross that damned bridge!”

“Why not?”

“Because…!”

“Listen, I won’t walk all the way around the city when there’s a huge ass bridge right in front of us!”

“What if it falls?”

“W-what?” I held back the scoff “Why would it _fall_?”

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“Because it looks pretty damn sound!”

“No it doesn’t!”

“Goddamit, Sungjong, it won’t fall!”

“I don’t want to take the risk!”

“And I don’t want to waste a whole day walking around when we can walk straight across! The light is dimming, I’m freezing, we need to get there soon”

“We can look for some-“

“Didn’t you want to get this over with?”

“What? Yes”

“Well then, why are you delaying it? We’re almost there, don’t you see it?”

“But-“

“Sungjong, they’re in there!”

He turned to me suddenly, his eyes wide and slightly shocked, as if that little detail had slipped his mind “They’re…”

“Yes, they are _right there_ ” I tried to emphasize each word to him “We’re _this_ close to finish it, Jong”

He looked down ahead again, keeping quiet for long seconds and then nodding slowly “You’re right, we’re so close”

Without saying one more word, he took one doubtful step forward, stopped for a second, squared his shoulders and started again. I watched his slow advance for a while before following him.

I had him clinging to my sleeve for the crossing of the bridge. Honestly, it did put me on edge a bit, walking on the crooked structure over such menacing mass of water, but, as I thought, it was pretty damn solid. We had to walk around some holes and big fissures, climb some crumbled pieces and avoid looking down, but we made it to the other side. I let out a little breath of accomplishment and looked to Sungjong, a smile on my face.

“See?”

But he just shook his head, his face scrunched in a sad scowl that surprised me a little “Let’s just do this” he barely mumbled, throwing a rueful glare to the structure behind us, another to the water below, and then a heavy sigh.

“Alright” I patted his back awkwardly, because I didn’t fully understand his attitude “Let’s go”

When we finally stood at the makeshift wall, we stalled. I looked up to it, then to the sides, craned my neck to see a bit further away. Nothing.

“So…” Sungjong started “How are we supposed to get in?”

“I… I don’t know” I looked around again, the heavy shadows eating up the figures around “But we need to figure it out soon, there’s barely any light left”

“I… Uh, should we… knock?” he rubbed his hands on his arms.

I snorted and he gave me a mild glare. But after a few seconds of more silence I shrugged and stepped ahead, holding a fist up and, with a last shrug, knocked loudly on a metal plank. The sound echoed harshly around us, breaking the thick stillness and making my friend wince a little.

He approached me with a doubtful look, and we both waited in silence for a response. Seconds, minutes maybe, and nothing happened. Then Sungjong huffed in annoyance and knocked himself, maybe ten or twelve times, until he ended up punching the surface as a police officer might do during a raid… Well, back in the days.

“Hey!” he yelled “Come on! Anyone there?!”

“Yeah… Hello?” I added halfheartedly, throwing a stray kick for good measure.

More silence. Then a clank and heavy rustle from a side. We both exchanged surprised looks and hurried to the corner.

“Hello?” Sungjong tried again, only this time not as harsh “Uh… Is there… Anyone?”

Quietness once more.

“What the hell?” I breathed out, already annoyed.

“Maybe… Maybe we shouldn’t have knocked” he whispered, running a nervous hand through his hair.

“And what would you have done?”

“I don’t know, but I bet he wouldn’t have done it” he pulled a little at the strands between his fingers and groaned in frustration.

I blinked at him, not sure if asking “Uh… _He_? You mean…?”

“What?” he looked up in question.

“Mh, nothing, forget it. Whatever the case, we did knock and it doesn’t seem to work” I walked closer to the side from where the noises had come from and tried slapping the wall again, but to no avail “We’re only two, can’t you let us in?” no one answered “Well, damn this shit” I muttered “What now?... I mean, do we try to climb or…” I shrugged, glancing at my companion and finding him staring holes through the metal planks, a nail between his teeth “Jong?” he grunted in response, not budging from his position “What is it?”

“I’m… Just tryin’ to…” he trailed off, kept quiet for a while and finally threw his hands up with a groan “I don’t know, ok?”

“What?”

“I can’t think of… I mean I’m sure knocking wasn’t the way to go, but what would you have me do? I should have checked for an opening before, yeah! Maybe try to climb? He’d totally try that, I’m sure, or walk to the sides-“

“Sungjong, what the hell are you talking about?”

“I can almost see him just… You know walking in silence, thinking…” he sighed and ran a hand over his face “I’m just trying to…” he sniffed softly.

“Jong…”

“He’d have a way in, I’m sure he’d figure it out somehow”

“And why do you think we won’t?”

“Can you?” he looked up at me, and I could see the trembling in his features “Because I sure can’t!”

“Don’t be like that-“

“I can’t, ok? I can’t… I’m… It was always _him_ doing everything! If it were for me, I’d be dead and rotting a mile away from the refuge! Probably beaten to dust by those fucking bears of men!”

“Sungjong-”

“Or bunt in a pile of corpses or lying in the middle of a road, buried in the crack of a road or hopelessly lost-!”

“Ok, calm-“

“I would have gotten shot in the head by that goddamned lunatic! Stuck in fucking Busan! My clothes part of a pile of trash-! No! Not even that! I’d be still back in the town, I’d have never left in the first place! And I’d still be freaking dead-!!”

“Calm the fuck down!” I wrapped him in a hug, burying his rambling mouth in my jacket and feeling his shaking and sobbing seeping out “You need to calm down, alright?” I felt him shaking his head “He probably wouldn’t have made it without you either-”

“ _But he didn’t!_ ” he yelled against me, and I had to squeeze him tighter not to yell back at him.

“You don’t know that yet, Sungjong” his mumbles dissolved against the dirty fabric and his fingers dug in my back. I knew this was going to blow at some point, but it still stung “Come on, Jong, don’t you see where we are? We made it, _you_ made it… We just need to get in, ok? We’ll find a way and then we’ll find _them_ and you’ll rest this trip off and we’ll calm down… And once we do…” I took a moment to breathe deeply, readjusting my hold around his shaky frame “Once we do, we’ll go back for him, ok?”

A little sob and a hiccup later, I was looking at big teary eyes. He stared at me for a while, then dropped his gaze somewhere near the sutures of my sleeve, his face slowly settling all its tremors and regaining the determinate semblance. He finally took a deep breath, eyes closed and hands firm on my back, and sighed, long and meaningful. A step back, a hand wiping the remaining tears and a loud sniff, and that was it.

“You’re right, we need to finish this” he said, a bit of congestion still dampening his tone “We’ll find a way-“

“ _You two!_ ”

We turned sharply to the wall, eyes big and faces stunned. A silhouette was peaking from an opening on a side. Then a glow surged, and an oil lamp came out, revealing a man eyeing us with annoyed suspicion.

“Uh…” we exchanged glances briefly before approaching the man “Yeah…”

“Are you done with all the drama?” he spat humorlessly, but a noticeable nudge to his side had him wincing and sputtering to someone else.

A bit of fumbling later, another guy, looking a bit younger, peaked out “Hi” he offered, a serious face, but kind nonetheless “Look, if it’s you two only… Maybe we could try to help you out”

“H-Help us?” Sungjong leaned closer, his tone betraying his eagerness all too easily.

“Yeah… I can’t promise you anything, we’re not letting people in, but if you need something-“

“Yeah! I-I mean, we…” he looked up at me in question, but I really didn’t know what he was trying to say “We actually need to get in” he finished, his voice a bit reluctant.

“I’m afraid we can’t allow that” the guy said.

The other suddenly butted in, his face ever annoyed “We’re packed, pal, sorry” he pulled away and made to close the opening, but his companion huffed and held it open.

“Would it _kill_ you to be a bit more polite?”

“Polite? Look, the time for politeness ended a long while ago”

“Don’t be such an asshole, man”

“We can’t be the fairy godmothers for every freaking lost puppy that ends up here!”

“Oh, right! Because we have _such_ a long line of newcomers, right?”

“Drop that tone, brat! We have orders to abide!”

“This is not the freaking military!”

“And we’re not in the position to play around!”

“We’re not playing around! We’re trying to help two lost dudes that traveled who knows how long-!”

“Do you think they’re the only ones who travel across cities to get here?”

“They’re just two!”

“What difference does it make?”

“I-Just-… Look, they’re looking for someone!”

“How do you know that?”

 “You’re looking for someone, right?” the younger of the two turned to us, evidently worked up by the arguing.

“Uh… Y-yeah” I muttered, still looking uncomfortably between the two.

“See?” the guy went back to his companion, who was eyeing us suspiciously again.

“Right, how do I know they’re not just lying their way in?”

“We can give you their names!” Sungjong leaped forward.

“Perfect” the younger one said, pointedly staring at the other man as he rummaged in his clothes before finally taking out a little note pad and a very consumed pencil “Names?”

“Yes! Uh, N-Nam Woohyun…” Sungjong dictated, his excitement playing with his voice “And Kim Myungsoo”

The guy wrote the names down and put the pad back in his pocket “Alright, I’ll go check these names for you”

“Let’s do this, alright?” the other started, gaining the annoyed attention of his younger counterpart and the apprehensive expectance of us both “If these two gentlemen happen to be here, we’ll let you in”

“Yes! Tha-“

“But!” he interrupted Sungjong “If they’re not…”

“We’ll leave” I said, earning a doubtful look from the man in question “We promise, but please do your best to find them… Just, _please_ ” I asked earnestly.

“Yes, please” Sungjong added, even putting his hands together.

“Don’t worry” the younger guy said “I’ll look for these two” he turned to the other one “And you,” he pointed at him with an accusing finger “Stop being a dick, alright? I won’t kill you”

The guy just clicked his tongue and waved his companion off.

“Thank you!” Sungjong said after the retreating man “We… We’ll wait…”

“It’s ok, Jong, he’ll find them, they’re here”

“They have to be here” he nodded “They have to…” a shaky breath left him, and I let a hand drop on his shoulder.

“Well…” the remaining guy said “This might take my friend a while” a lazy shrug.

“Uh… Ok” I raised an eyebrow in question “What? Do you want us to go or something? There’re not many options for us to-“

“I didn’t say anything about leaving, aright?”

“… Then…?”

He sighed and stepped aside, throwing his thumb over his shoulder “There’s a little space in here…”

\--

I thought I was going to walk a hole in the ground, mark the minutes in the wall with my nails or something like that. But instead, I fell asleep.

I woke up to softly bickering voices and a shake on my shoulder.

“Jong, wake up” it was Sungyeol’s voice.

I grumbled and groaned, stretching my back and my neck groggily, and then snapping back to reality with a gasp “Is he back?” I whispered loudly.

“Yeah” he threw a look over his shoulder, to the door-les little gate of the storage room we were occupying “He is”

I couldn’t get on my feet fast enough, stumbling still a little dozed towards de two men.

“You could give them a blanket at least” the younger one was saying, while the other threw his hands over his head in exasperation.

“God damn it! Would you stop, Hyuk? I let them in”

The other scoffed softly “Yeah, well, coming from you I guess it is something”

“Excuse me” I interrupted, not able to wait any longer.

The two men looked at me for a second or two, until the older one hummed and slapped the other in the arm “Right” he said “Go on, tell them” he nodded towards us.  

I could feel Sungyeol right beside me, his expectant silence tense as mine, while the guy, _Hyuk_ , gave a curt nod and passed his eyes between us.

“Well” he sighed, jerking his head in the direction behind him “You’ll have to follow me”

 


	19. A different path

It took me a while to understand, to tie the loose ends in my head and let the images and sounds take meaning. I was so dazed, confused, I felt limp and heavy. I remembered waking up a few times, wasn’t sure if they were dreams or reality. It felt awful, distressing, honestly.

But there I was finally, awake, conscious, though still confused.

And alone.

I let time pass, not really able to do much, just letting my jumbled thoughts fall down, trying to put the pieces back in their places. A room, a bed under my back, I was sick, had been sick. My head hurt a bit, a lot, the sheets felt heavy, the ceiling was cracked and stained, and so were the walls. A tiny widow to the side, planked from the bottom ‘til half the way up, a thick cloth as makeshift curtain. There was a disgusting taste in my mouth, at the back of my throat, my tongue felt dry and heavy, sticking to the roof of my mouth when I tried to move it. I was thirsty, sometime later hungry too. But I couldn’t find it in me to move. I could, I supposed, I had the strength, but I couldn’t will my body to abide. Didn’t matter too much for some time, while I spent minutes and minutes, maybe hours, just laying and staring, breathing and humming, smacking my lips together and moving my fingers over the sheets, twirling my toes, shifting my legs. I craned my neck and felt it crack loudly, then arched my back with the same results. It felt nice, relieving, like breaking loose from an invisible cage.

Then I fell asleep again.

Next time I woke up, my thoughts were in place, my body awake, the room still the same, the soft sounds crawling from under the door. Movement, people, a few voices, quiet and lethargic.

I was still alone, and I looked around me to find a bag. My bag and my jacket. Those were mine, right? Yeah… And… Just mine.

My heart threw a stray punch to my chest, I felt my fingers twitch, my legs jerk a bit. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, _calm down, don’t fret, just get up and find someone_ … _There has to be someone around that could…_ But I hadn’t seen anyone since the first time I woke up, no one.

A groan worked its way out of my throat, and I finally willed my limbs to move. I propped myself up on my elbows, turning to the side and hanging my head low to quell the sudden dizziness. I was a bit nauseous, and the headache kicked in viciously. I waited, breathing deeply and closing my eyes again. Damn, I felt so sick. I had to drop my forehead on the hard pillow, plastering myself face down on the bed, willing the discomfort away. Another groan, louder, and I tried to get up again.

I counted the working of my chest, the bumping of my heart pulsing in my ears and fingertips, pumping along the headache. My stomach finally settled, and I pushed myself up, stretching one leg down to the cold floor, followed by the other. I sat for a while, then tried to stand up. And then I fell.

The floor was cold, hard and uncomfortable, but still better than attempting to move again. My head was spinning a bit, and I felt tired. I rolled to my side, working my way up on my elbows again, and tried to rest against the bedframe.

A door flew open, a pair of legs in dusty jeans, dirty boots and a long battered wind jacket that reached past a waist. I made the effort to look up.

A woman hurried near, kneeling beside me and placing a cold hand on my forehead. It felt damn good, the cool feeling against my pulsing head, it made me drop my eyelids close without noticing.

“You need to rest a bit more, dear” a soft voice told me “Come on, to the bed again”

I couldn’t even protest, barely helped her hauling me back to the bed. I heard some rustle, and a wet, cold something pressed over my brow.

“Where’s…?” I croaked out, clearing my throat and swallowing thickly.

“Don’t worry sweetheart, you’ll be better with a bit of sleep” I had slept enough, I thought, but I was not willing to talk “You just rest, nothing will happen while you sleep. I’m looking after you, ok?”

I wanted to ask, wanted to know, but didn’t want to talk. So I grunted, sighed, and let the slumber drift me away once more.

\--

I dreamt about him, of his voice cracking and wavering, his eyes big and moist and his fingers shaking on my jacket. I tried to speak to him, to hold him, to do anything to make his crying stop, but I couldn’t.

I woke up with a jerk, my chest heavy and dense with an unwanted feeling. I groaned, or whimpered maybe, a bit of both, and then brought my hands up to rub my face. My breathing was a bit worked up, and the everlasting headache was still pounding against my cranium.

“Easy there” a voice said from my side, and I all but jolted in surprise “Woah” a chuckle “It’s ok, I don’t bite”

I blinked what was left of the sleep away and focused my eyes on a woman sitting beside the bed. I frowned slightly “Who are you?” my voice was coarse and thick, but clear.

She sent a little smile my way and offered in a mild voice “I’m Hyojin” I stared at her, not getting any useful information from the name, and she seemed to notice this, because she let out a little chuckle and offered a bit more “I’m a friend of your friend, he asked me to take care of you until you were better”

“A friend… Of my…” I was seemingly still a bit dopey, it took me a little too long for me not to feel embarrassed, but I finally started understanding “My friend? So… You know Sungjong?”

She blinked at me, as if she hadn’t expected that “Sorry, who?”

“Sun… Sungjong. You said you met my friend, right?”

“Yes, I mean, we were friends from a long while ago”

I narrowed my eyes in confusion and annoyance. My brain was not appreciating the work at such inconvenient moments, but I still tried “I’m sorry, but who’s your friend that’s my friend too if not Sungjong”

“Well…” she seemed a bit put off, suddenly not looking sure about my state “I’m sorry, I thought you knew Sungyeol”

“Sung…” I gaped, closing my eyes and shaking my head a little, desisting when the headache pulsed in retaliation “No, wait, my… My friend, the person who was with me, he’s name was Sungjong… _Sungjong_ , not… Not Yeol, Sungjong” I felt my breathing get worked up, my jaw locking softly “I… Where’s him?”

“Sungyeol?”

“Sungjong!” I snaped, my head beating painfully and the room rocking dizzingly “He’s Sungjong! Where… is him?”

The woman eyed me calculatingly, her stance now talking lengths of her uneasiness “Alright, we’re misunderstanding each other-”

“That’s obvious enough. Where is Sungjong?” I asked again, my patience running thin as my anxiety grew.

“There is no Sungjong here-“

“Bullshit! He was with me! Where _is_ him?!” I clumsily threw the blankets away and put my feet on the floor “I don’t know who is it that you know, but my friend is Sungjong, and he has to be here-”

“Calm down, don’t stand-“

“Then tell me where he is!”

“Don’t yell, you’re going to hurt yourself” she scolded sternly, her voice and posture as firm as any as she pushed me back. I tried to fight her, but my weak limbs and the bed behind my knees betrayed my resistance, making me flop back ungracefully on the hard mattress “Calm down” she stressed.

“Just tell me where-“

“Let’s talk, alright? Let’s try to understand before we do rash things”

“I’m just trying-“

“ _Please_ , Sunggyu, calm down and let’s talk”

My name took me a bit by surprise, enough for her to push me all the way back to my pillow and sit on the edge of the bed. I was still frowning when I asked “You know me?”

“Not really, just your name and that you’re Sungyeol’s friend”

“It’s not-…” I sighed, it was really getting on my nerves that she kept calling that name “Sungjong”

“No, I understand what you mean, but it’s not Sungjong. That was the thin young man with you, wasn’t he?”

That had me blinking up at her in attention “So you did see him?”

“Big eyes, dark, pretty hair, a dusty brown jacket with a hole on an elbow?”

“I… Y-yeah, that’s Sungjong”

“Yes, I saw him, another friend of Sungyeol”

“Sung… Wait… Sungyeol?”

“Yes, that’s my friend”

I stared at her, my mind stalled and going around that name “Sungyeol”

“Yes, Lee Sungyeol” she smiled again “Lanky body, doey eyes, childish face, childish attitude-“

“Sungyeol?”

“Yes, dear, you know him, right?”

“I… Yeah, but” I scoffed lightly “Look it can’t… We’re maybe mistaking people? I… I need to see Sungjong… Where is he?”

There was a strange expression on her face “He’s-“

“ _Hyojin!_ ” a voice called from outside.

“Oh, yes! I’m here!” she snapped her attention towards the close door.

“ _We need your help with the child again!_ ”

“Oh dear” a slender hand went up to her hair “Alright, I’m coming!”

“W-wait” I called weakly, still half lost in my doubts and confusion as she stood up.

“Listen, I’ll be back soon enough. Here…” she walked to a corner and took the bag, approaching back to put it on the bed, next to me “They told me to keep this close to you and don’t let anyone touch it until you woke up. So, here, all yours” she patted it softly, then looked at me and smiled again “I’ll be back soon, take it easy, okay? You’re still recovering, you need rest” a hand went to my head, warm and gentle, before she walked away.

I watched the closing door blankly, not really knowing what to do or think. The bag was heavy near my legs, my jacket hastily tied to one of the straps. I stared at it, doing nothing but to look. Thinking.

Sungjong… Sungyeol? It couldn’t be, right? It couldn’t… Lee Sungyeol? But if it was true then… If it was Sungyeol, truly, really Sungyeol, _my Sungyeol_?

The air got stuck to my throat for a second, and I swallowed my doubts and hopes for the moment. I would not think of it, not until I saw him, face to face. Both of them. For the moment, the bag.

I reached out and pulled the bag closer, the effort of such simple thing bigger than expected, more than it should have been. Recovering, right? I could feel that. I loosened the straps and pulled the zipper open, taking a quick look inside. I first saw the caps of a few bottles, then clothes, or blankets maybe, wasn’t sure. Then a bit of white, no, yellow… Paper. A piece of yellowish paper, half crumpled between the fabric. I took it out, slowly, carefully, and unfolded it. It was upside down, it was written, it was messy and stained and humid… And I knew that handwriting.

_~~Dear Hyung~~    ~~Hyung~~    ~~Sunggyu~~    ~~Sung~~    Sunggyu hyung,_

_~~If you’re reading this~~ ,  ~~Hi~~    ~~I hope you’re reading this~~   I hope you’re ok. ~~We tried to~~   I think I should start by telling you, we found Sungyeol, or he found us.. Something of the sorts. I guess you know that you were not ok, you fell really sick, ~~I tried~~     ~~I couldn’t~~  We were really lucky someone found us, and then we bumped into Sungyeol. He’s ok hyung, he’s doing really well, has a scar of his own to show off and all. Seems to be really proud of it, told me he got it fighting some outlaws, I don’t believe him though. He was really sad he couldn’t talk to you, ~~but you were unc~~ . He talked to you anyway, just so you know, told you about his scar, his work here as a scout of the sorts, he shaved you even. He might deny it later, but he really did, took care of you, even if you can’t believe it. We packed your things, all we could fit into one bag, and we left your gun, didn’t know you had one, ~~why didn’t you tell me?~~ Sungyeol had a friend here, Hyojin or something like that. He said she would take care of you, take you to a nearby town where you could be treated. I really hope he’s right, ~~but I guess that if you’re reading th~~ But I trust him, I have to trust him on this one. I wish I could have gone with you, I wish I could be there with you right now, I wish you could have seen Sungyeol yourself, but we couldn’t.. It was the only thing we could do to help you, I’m really sorry hyung, ~~I tried~~ ~~I didn’t~~    ~~I couldn’t~~   I want to continue, I will continue, I don’t know if Yeol will come with me, I don’t know if he can leave his place here, I hope he can. If I have to be honest with you, and I owe you that, I’m scared of doing this on my own, ~~I don’t know if I can~~ I can’t do this on my own, ~~and I know I’ll m~~   ~~and I will~~   I grew used to have you with me, looking after me, being there for me, ~~so now~~   But I need to do this now, I need to find the rest of the guys, I’ll find them hyung. We ~~were~~   are really close, we’re almost there. I’ll find them for you, and then we’ll all wait for you. So ~~if~~   when you get better, you ~~can~~   will join us. _

_Don’t worry, I’ll take care of myself.. So please take care of yourself too. Get better. I’ll meet you there hyung, I’ll wait for you, for as long as it takes you, I don’t care. I’ll wait ~~for a year~~    ~~a decade~~ for as long as it takes you. I know this was for the best, the best we could do, so you ~~wouldn’t~~ could get better. I know you will, I believe you will. _

_I don’t know ~~if~~  when we’ll see each other again, but ~~I’ll mi~~   ~~I’ll wait~~  I’ll miss you, and I’ll as sure as hell need you, but I’ll make it, I promise I’ll give my best to finish this, and let the guys know that you’re on your way. We’ll be here waiting._

_Please be ok, ~~I lo~~ ~~I’ll b~~   ~~don’t~~   ~~take ca~~   I love you,_

_~~Goodbye,~~   See you,_

_Sungjong._

\--

“Please, take it easy” she insisted, half resigned already.

I was tying my boots, clothes in place, bag securely closed by my side, folded knife in my pocket, handgun hidden, a crumpled, humid piece of paper in my chest pocket. I was not going to waste time.

“I’m ok”

“Barely” she handed me the other boot, and I nodded in thanks as I set to put it on “You made it so far, I know about your journey, you know? So please don’t let it all go to waste by taking things too lightly now”

“I know”

“Do you?”

“I do” I nodded, straightening up and taking the bag “I’m not leaving yet, just moving from here”

“Where to?”

“Dunno? Don’t you guys need any help anywhere?”

She let out a short, dry laugh “Well, don’t we?”

“I take that as a yes”

“Sure we do, but you don’t have to-“

“I have to do something. I won’t leave yet, I’ll wait until I’m a bit better, until I get my strength back at least, but that won’t happen if I sleep the days away”

“But you-“

“I’ll take it easy” I conceded “But I won’t just lay around and wait for nothing. I need to keep moving, as soon as possible”

She stared at me, reluctance in her eyes, but then nodded in resignation “Alright, but you’ll let me tell you what you can or can’t do”

I grimaced and shook my head “You might tell me what’s _advisable_ or not for me to do, and I’ll probably take your advice, but that’s it”

“You are stubborn, you know that?”

“Yes, I know that”

“And not the cute kind of stubborn” she added, a hint of humor in her words had me relaxing a bit more “But alright, as long as you’re reasonable and listen to me, I’ll help you get back on your feet… As soon as possible”

“Thanks”

\--

First day I was practically useless. But I didn’t complain, as much as I wanted to keep moving, as much as I needed to keep going, I knew very well that I should not play with fire. I knew that it had been a close call, even before Hyojin told me what she knew. Various reasons; the strain, the weather, the time, the injuries, the water, the stress, a bit of this and that landed me on the road down to the grave. My defenses crumbled down, my body broke down and resorted to the last straw it had, a massive boil. My fever was sever, I didn’t even remember much after the last night in that café locker room. All I had on it were fumbled images and feelings, heat, cold, pain, confusion, fear, and then this room.

Hyojin told me I was lucky they could take me along, that it had been just in time. If I had stayed unattended any longer it would have been a hard case to reverse. But I had responded well and almost immediately to the treatment, as if my own body was eager to recover, to keep going, and didn’t have any time to waste lying on its death bed. There were more important things to get done after all.

Mere hours after I had arrived to this new place I started waking up, completely out of it and still with a foot on the other side of the line, but started gaining real consciousness progressively, trashing around, talking nonsense, reacting to things unknown. Until my memories started again, a few troubled awakenings before my meeting with Hyojin.

So yes, the first day I was pretty much useless, I was lightheaded, everything spinned around me with the slightest turn of my head, my muscles ached in exhaustion, the headache was still lodged in my skull, my stomach was uneasy and unwilling to have any solid food. And I was weak. Frustratingly so. I couldn’t lift my own bag without breaking into a sweat, my arms trembling in exertion and my legs wobbling under the weight. I was like a rag doll, I knew it, and Hyojin too. So she made me clean dirty and used cloths, putting them to dry by a little fire near the entrance of the building.

She didn’t let me go out, kept me wrapped in layers of clothing and near the fire, drinking lots of water and then daring a watered down canned soup. Every now and then she pushed me back to the tiny room, and even though I protested that I was feeling ok, the moment I touched the thin mattress, I fell asleep. So, between naps and light laundry, water and soup (and many trips to the ‘bathroom’), I spent the first day at the busy building that held the most supplies that I had seen since the first day of this chaotic reality.

By the second day I was feeling considerably better, I had recovered some of my strength, though little still, and the ground was more stable under my feet. I walked out and in between the occupied buildings, checked around the place and the people. I had more energy and didn’t need as much sleeping time to recover. The woman still kept a close eye on me, she was like a personal nurse, maybe she actually was a nurse, if the fluidity she carried herself with around the place was any indication. In any case, I was very grateful to her.

I dared lifting some light boxes and supplies after a meager lunch and short nap, and, although I earned a light scold, I managed to carry on. I tried proving heavier burdens progressively, trying not to get caught by Hyojin, and was immensely satisfied to find little to no trouble. I was getting better, and fast. But I was so engrossed by my improving activity that I forgot the scheduled meals Hyojin had told me to keep, as that night I almost passed out while lifting a box a bit too quickly. She wasn’t around, luckily, so I just made a mental note to not skip the canned soup.

Third day was much better. I still felt weak and a bit sore, but my mind was working normally and I carried the whole day with only a little nap after the scheduled noon and meals that finally put my teeth to work. I was now helping the… I guess you could call it the staff of the place, as they were the ones continuously working. They were organized in a messy manner, fitting well the ways of the world, in general. In any case, I was helping them now, not just doing little odd jobs on the sides. I was still given the easy jobs, the less taxing on the body, the first one to be dismissed to go take a break, the last one to be called in for help. It annoyed me greatly, but I knew it was for a reason, because, besides the fact that I was recovering, I was not exactly the best help in my state. But I was working on changing that.

Fourth day was when I started walking out of the line Hyojin had drawn around me. It was a matter of time, and she seemed to have been expecting me to do so at some point. I still took care of not overexerting myself, but I worked myself a bit harder and harder, building back my endurance, re-awakening my strength. I was almost feeling fine by then, not top shape by far, but almost fine. I was greatly satisfied with myself by the end of the day, tired but normally so, hurting in the logical places with logical intensity, my brain still awake and lucid, and craving a good wash. Because now that I could have them, I was making the most of it, even if they were just some wipes of soaped cloths and used, lukewarm water, it was better than nothing.

The morning of the fifth day I woke up very early, meaning there was a bit too much energy in me and my roaming habits were back in place now that my body could afford them. And that was a good thing, a sign that I was on my way to walking out of there. With that prospect in mind, the time it was taking suddenly seemed too much.

“No, it’s too soon for that” Hyojin shook her head.

“No it’s not, I’m fine already. Maybe not at the top of the wave, but I can manage just fine”

“Around here, yes, but going out is another matter”

“I won’t be alone, and it’s a way to keep improving. Come on, I need to start moving”

“Listen, I know you’re in a hurry, though I don’t know why” she threw a meaningful look at me, but I did not enlighten her doubt, so she kept talking “, but pushing too much could worsen your condition instead of helping”

“I know, I’m not pushing too much. I know I can do this, alright?”

“How do you know you’re actually capable of it and you won’t drop unconscious under the weight of a crate or you won’t get sick on the way or-“

“I feel _fine_ ” I stressed “Look, if something goes wrong I’ll stay put for as long as you want me and reverse to the rag washing if you want me too, but I’m telling you, I’m fine, I can do this”

“If something goes wrong out there, you might not even come back, you get that?”

“I know, but I _will_ be back” I said confidently, or at least trying to look confident. She stared at me with reluctance in her eyes, considering but not at all convinced “ _Please_ , let me try”

“I cannot go with you” she finally said, her voice soft and her face showing worry “And I don’t like that”

“I promise I’ll take care of myself, ok?” I tried reassuring her.

She still didn’t look convinced, the troubled look still in her features, and I felt a bit bad for making her worry so much. I knew she had promised Sungyeol to take care of me, and she was a very compromised woman, I could see that in her work at the place, and in the way she was always looking after me, from the moment I woke up until then, she was always near. I appreciated that a lot, I felt in debt with her, but I needed to start moving, I needed to gear myself up again. This was an good opportunity; accompanying one of the scout groups to a nearby city in search for supplies. I knew moving outside the city was dangerous, outlaws lurked closer than you’d like, but the place this group was heading was relatively safe, as it was very close and frequented by the people here. Besides the fact that it had a more or less permanent assortment of residents that did the time as scouts themselves. There was also the little detail that it was the place from where she told me I was taken from, meaning, the place where Sungjong and Sungyeol were… Or had been, if I was too late. If Sungjong had departed as he had said he would, then Sungeyol had gone with him, I could be sure of that. But I had to make sure they were actually gone, I had to know they were out of my reach, I had to know where to go now.

“I’ll let them know you’re going, but be warned that I’ll have them keeping an eye on you. They’ll tell me if anything happens, I’ll know if you as much as break a nail while tying your shoes”

“Alright, deal”

“Don’t you _deal_ me, young man” she scolded lightheartedly, the mockery poorly hiding her reluctance.

“ _Young man_ , how old are you?”

“Not your business” she huffed, but I saw the little tug at the corner of her mouth.

\--

I don’t know if I really harbored honest hope of finding them. I didn’t know how hurried Sungjong was, how much he wanted to leave. But maybe… Maybe he had waited for me? How long had it been? Almost a week. I doubted he’d stayed put for so long, but I had to be certain.

The truck rolled uneasily through the dusty roads, bumps and holes in the ground making us jump and rock. I was doing ok, no sickness, no dizziness, only a mild headache and a bit of slumber over my mind. I actually dozed off a little, jolting up with every shake of the vehicle and finally coming back to my full senses once the rumble of the engine died.

“Come on, buddy! There’s stuff to pick up and not much time” the man beside me, Hyojin’s little spy, urged me with a soft nudge to my arm.

I stretched my back and arms after getting off the truck, feeling my spine complain a little, and turned to the other man “So, what do we have to do?” I asked eagerly.

“We’ll see. Those guys over there?” he pointed to a group of three guys apparently waiting for us to approach them “They’ll tell us”

The place was smaller and more crumbled than the city we came from, it looked more like a watching post of some sort. There were people around, but not as much, and I didn’t fail to notice that they looked a bit more on the tough side. One of the three men sent us to a little warehouse a block away, where a short woman lead us to a pile of boxes and packs.

“This is all yours” she said, patting softly one of the wooden crates.

We started our job, coming and going between the truck and the warehouse, filling the back side of the vehicle as organized as we could, and tying everything two and three times to avoid losing anything on the bumpy road. There were a few packs that had to be carried with us, as those seemed to be rather fragile. I didn’t ask what it all was, imagined it was an assortment of various supplies, maybe water, food, medicaments of some kind?

In the middle of our little trips, I managed to walk up to one of the residents and called his attention. It took me a few seconds of hesitating before I finally asked, trying to pry the silly hopes from my voice. It had been too long after all, I knew it, but it still felt bitter when he shook his head “No, little guy left some days ago. Said he had something to do and somewhere to be”

I didn’t question him further, there was no point. Instead, I focused on my task and felt even more determinate to resume my journey immediately. I was sure they’d make it there, they would, and I could not be delayed any longer. I had to find them.

It took us longer than I had expected to finish loading everything, and I was certainly tired and aching in several parts, feeling a bit hotter than I should and nursing a proper headache. But, all in all, I was satisfied with my work, the after-effects were manageable.

“How are you feeling?” the voice of my new shadow asked me for the fourth time that day.

I breathed deeply, knowing he had been asked to do that “I’m fine, tired and my back and arms hurt, but fine”

“Well that’s good!”

“I… Is it?”

“Yeah, I’m hurting all over too” he said with a smile, rolling his shoulders.

“Oh, I guess I’m really ok, then”

“On your way to it, I’d say”

“Good enough” I shrugged.

“Yeah… But don’t get reckless, eh? You’re planning on traveling on your own, right?”

“It’s what I’ve been doing for the last months… More or less”

“For real?” the man turned to me with a surprised face.

“Yes, I’ve been trying to get to Seoul”

“Look at that!” he let out a short laugh “Well, you do know that’s not that far, right?”

“Yes, I know, and that’s why I’m trying to get back on my way as soon as possible”

“Huh…”

I rose an eyebrow and looked at him “What?”

“No… Nothing, just…”

“Just what? What is it?”

“Uh, it’s just that, yes… I mean Seoul is not _that_ far away, but it’s still a considerable journey”

“Mh, I come from the south, so it’s not really a big deal”

A low whistle and the other man shook his head “Man, seriously, what is it you’re looking for in there?”

I doubted, followed after him as he started towards the truck “Just… Some people”

“People? Like, your family?”

“No” or was it? Not technically, but… In any case, he didn’t need those details.

The other waited, but when nothing else was said he prodded softly “Your… Girlfriend, maybe?”

I scoffed amusedly “No, not that”

“Then?”

“Friends… Just…”

“Friends? So, you’re traveling the entire country-? I mean, don’t get me wrong, friendship is a big deal, I get it. I… really do, I’d… I’d probably… I should…” he sighed, and I was mildly surprised to see the change in his demeanor, the friendly attitude softly deflating inwardly to a light cloud of dejection “I should have” he repeated, a tone of finality in his voice.

I doubted for a while, in part not sure if it was ok to ask, then wondering why did I even care. But I kind of did, maybe because I felt a little sympathetic towards him, I wasn’t sure “ _Should have_ sounds… ” terminative? “Uh… I mean, you still can, right?”

“I… don’t know”

“Oh”

We walked in silence until we reached the vehicle, then he sighed and turned to me “I don’t know if I’d be too late or not”

“You don’t want to know”

“I do… I guess” he shrugged.

“You’re scared, aren’t you?”

“I…” he clicked his tongue and ran a hand through his short hair “I suppose I am”

“Well, of course you are” I said, to what he looked up in slight confusion. Why? I couldn’t know “What’s the look for? It’s obvious you’d be scared, who would want to find out that their friends… Well, you know” I shook the idea from my head “But in my case, I’d rather know for sure… Even if… If there’re… Bad news” I finished reluctantly.

The man eyed me dubiously, but chose not to prod, thankfully “I guess you’re right, but I’m still not sure I’d like to know if… If the worst happened”

“It’s a matter of time”

“Why?”

“At some point you either forget... Or can’t take the doubt any longer”

“Forget? How could I _forget_?” he asked, a bit of offence in his voice.

“Well, then it _is_ a matter of time”

He blinked a few times, and his expression softened “Yeah, it probably is”

\--

The night was falling when we finished unloading the cargo from the truck, and I could feel the intent stare of Hyojin on my back the whole time. I was ok with it, because I knew I was doing fine. I had to show her that I was fit again, maybe not perfect, but well enough to be on my own. She had to stop worrying, she had to see I could manage by myself again, so it wouldn’t be so hard to let her know…

“Jiwoo told me you were in high spirits back there” she told me as we walked into my little room.

“I was”

“Well… I’m glad to hear that” she said, though her voice didn’t sound so convinced.

“What is it then?”

“You’re planning to leave at the first opportunity, right?”

Dead on “Yeah” I admitted.

“I don’t’ think-“

“Listen” I interrupted, turning to look at her “I appreciate all you did for me, I really do. I know I’d have been dust in the wind if it weren’t for your help”

“Don’t say that”

“It’s the truth, and that’s why I’m sorry if this is not what you want me to do. But I will”

“Maybe you could just wait a few days more”

“I heard there’s a group going north tomorrow” I diverted the subject slightly.

“What? Who told you-? Ah, never mind. Yes, there is a group heading north, but… No, you can’t go with them-“

“I will”

“What? No, listen to me, it’s dangerous-“

“I know, but I’m going with them”

“You’re not ready-“

“I am fine, I’ll be going with them, I already talked to them”

“What?!” she nearly screeched “When did you-? Why-?”

“It’ll be fine-“

“It will not!” she voiced in a loud, stern voice that had me backing up a little bit “What’s gotten into you? Why are you being so reckless all of a sudden?”

“I’m being nothing all of a sudden. I’ve been patient until now, I’ve been waiting and listening to you since I woke up. I owed you that much, and, well, it was the reasonable thing to do. But I’m alright now, I might not be in my best shape, but I’m well enough to keep on going. And that’s what I’ll do”

“Sunggyu, please listen to me, it’s dangerous!”

“So I’ve been told”

“Then why won’t you wait?”

“Because I can’t wait any longer!” I snapped at her, a bit surprised myself. I immediately felt bad, looking at her startled face, and cleared my throat sheepishly “Sorry, but I can’t. I need to start moving again, and these guys are going the way I need to go”

There was a moment of heavy silence, I didn’t dare look at her. I heard as she sighed long and deep, and the one of her little hands rested on my arm “You will go no matter what I tell you, right?”

I really didn’t like to say that to her but “Yes”

“Then at least listen to me”

“I am… I do listen to you, noo-“ I stopped myself, surprised by my little slip “Uh… I-“

“It’s ok, you can call me noona” she chuckled, although a bit morose “But do listen to me now. Come on, sit” she pushed me softly towards the bed, and I complied “I’m not trying to scare you by telling you this is dangerous” she said as she sat beside me, her hand now on my knee “I mean it”

“I know, I told you I talked to these people”

“What did they tell you?”

“That the area is a bit… Turbulent”

“It is, there’s a concerning number of… uh…”

“Outlaws”

There was a little dry laugh “Yes, those”

“They told me”

“Are you aware that these… Outlaws know of us?”

“No… I mean, I supposed so but…”

“They know what we have here, and let’s be honest, we have a pretty nice settlement, don’t we?” she asked with a bit of pride, to what I nodded “Up to the north, these people have been gathering, organizing in alarming ways, and when they found out about this place, they tried to raid it. They didn’t manage to do it, but they have their eyes on our supplies. They might not try to come straight here, but they try to ambush our scouts sometimes”

“Yes, I was informed as much”

“Alright, do you also know why they’re so keen on stocking up supplies?”

I blinked confused at that “Uh, to... survive, I suppose?”

“Well, yeah, but there’s something else”

“What?”

“Seoul, Sunggyu, they’re targeting the capital”

I felt the air leave me for a moment before I could speak again “What?”

“They want to get into the capital, they might not be that big in number, but they’re determined and somewhat organized. They have more than sticks and stones Sunggyu, they have real weapons. They’re dangerous”

“What… Do you mean, _real_?”

“I mean _real_. We’ve seen knives, axes and even some fire arms”

“Oh…”

“And that’s why… Well, we have our own stock of… weaponry”

“You do?”

“Yes, did the scouts not tell you?”

“Uh, well they did mention that they were going prepared for any surprise, but they didn’t elaborate on that”

“Well, they carry some things of their own. We usually have someone more or less armed in our scouting groups, but whenever we head north or anywhere near these scums, we have to take harder measures”

“So… They’ll be going armed, alright”

“The thing is, Sunggyu, I don’t think they’ll let you have any of our weapons, and if something happens-“

“It’s ok, don’t worry”

“I can’t not worry, if-“

“I have my own”

Silence. I looked up at her and found her eyes fixed on me, her posture rigid and her lips pressed tight. She seemed to weight a few responses before settling for a curt “I see”

“It’s ok, I don’t… I don’t intend to use it if I can help it. Actually I haven’t even pulled it out once since I got it”

“Fire arm?” her voice sounded dimmed.

“Yes”

“You ever used one of those?”

“Not like the one I have, but other kinds, yeah”

“Meaning…?”

“I shot a rifle before, my…” I cleared my throat and sighed softly “My father taught me when I was younger” she let out a soft _oh_ , and I felt the need to add in a little murmur “I was pretty good, I think”

We fell into silence after that, contemplative for her, uncomfortable for me. I started moving again, gathering the few belongings I had scattered on the little bed, stocking up my bag, deliberate movements, slow and unhurried. Hyojin followed me with her gaze, I wasn’t sure what was crossing her mind, but I could almost feel the reluctance emanating from her.

The building I was staying in was quiet by the time I put my bag and jacket down. I was admittedly sleepy, so I took off my boots and outer garments and then made my way to the rickety bunk bed. The other three occupants of the little room were still out, they always were, but they also got up later than me. Schedules, I supposed.

“Oh no,” Hyojin turned to me, apparently having finished her musings “Wait, you’re not done packing, are you?”

“Uh… I guess I am, why?”

She clicked her tongue and stood up “Wait here” then left.

I didn’t know what I was missing, I kept all my things close to me in the room, and simple attached to me if I were to take them out, so I couldn’t have forgotten anything anywhere else. But checked the bag once more, just in case.

“I’m not missing anything” I mumbled to myself as I accommodated my belongings.

The door busted open and Hyojin came in, a little board box in her arms “Alright” she flopped to the ground next to me “Open that up, got some free space?”

“A bit?” I answered, eyeing the box in her lap “Oh, n-noona, it’s ok, I can-“

“None of that, you don’t know when you’ll find proper food on the way” she interrupted, taking a couple of the cans from the box and arranging them in my bag.

“I can eat something else, you don’t need to give me these” I protested still, trying to stop her hands. I knew these were of the best things they had, nowadays canned soup was a heavenly meal if you were able to heat it up properly “Seriously, it’s too much”

“It’s not, Sunggyu, it’s ok” she pushed my hands away, placing the fifth and last can in my bag “We have boxes and boxes of these, luckily, and you need to be prepared for the trip”

“But-“

“No buts, dear” she patted my shoulder, then put the little box away “I’ll be more at ease knowing you have enough… Or at least some food” a sigh escaped her.

“I’ll be fine”

“I hope so”

A minute of silence rolled between us, then I started strapping the bag closed again “Well, thank you” I said, standing up slowly and walking to the bed.

“Don’t thank me” she shook her head softly, then approached me and seemed to doubt for a few moments “I’ll… I’ll see you tomorrow then”

I contemplated her reluctant smile, and nodded firmly “Sure”

“Don’t you dare leaving without saying goodbye, alright” she murmured with feeling.

I blinked up to her and shook my head “Of course not”

A last little smile, and she left. I watched her close the door, and listened to her steps leaving, then tried to relax and enjoy the last night I had of safety and comfort, because the following morning, it was back on the roads.

 

 


	20. Whispers among the bullets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eigth chapters in one go because I can't have this dragging behind any longer.

I picked up my stuff as silently as I could, trying not to wake up my “roomates”. I tiptoed my way out, then through the corridors until I made it outside. There were people already working, sleepy faces and silent messages exchanged between sluggish movements. I padded carefully, avoiding stepping on their way, looking for the little group that was supposed to be getting ready to leave.

I was anxious, a bit nervous maybe. If I were to describe my mental state right now, I’d say it was doing stretches and trotting in place. I just rolled my shoulders and exhaled loudly when I spotted the four member party besides the dusty truck parked on the road. But then I noticed a fifth person, and I recognized the bouncy ponytail and dusty windbreaker even from the distance.

Hyojin seemed to notice me too, because she waved at me and started approaching.

“Hey” she huffed as she came near “Are you ready?”

“Yes”

“Alright, you have that extra shirt?”

“Uh, yeah”

“The little towel?”

“Yes-“

“The scarf I left you-?”

“Noona, I have everything”

“Alright, ok, just wanted to make sure”

“Don’t worry, you saw me packing last night, didn’t you?”

“I did, yes”

“Then-“

“Do you have your weapon?” she added in a whisper.

I blinked at her, an eyebrow up “Yes… I never unpacked it in the first place”

“But did you check you still have it?”

“Yes, I have it”

“Are you sure you know how to use it-?”

“Yes, I know- Now _please_ ,” I stressed when I saw her about to speak again “just trust me, I have all I need. I can’t pack a single needle more, it’ll be fine”

No need to say she didn’t look convinced, but just pursued her mouth and nodded. I felt a bit bad about it, I knew it was risky, I knew all she had done for me, but I couldn’t stay. I had to go, I had to move on… I _had_ to find them.

\--

The glow of the day was showing me the floating dust on the roads, the wind was cold and insistent. The bag was heavy and solid on my back, I shifted it a little, fixed the scarf around my neck, patted my jacket lightly, the hard shape of the pocket knife inside. I adjusted the shirt tied to my waist, pulling it safely over my right side, self-consciously resting my hand on the side of my thigh. _It_ wasn’t there yet, I hadn’t been sure if it’d be a good idea to pull it out, so I had left it in the bag for the time being, hoping I wouldn’t have to use it.

One of the people made a gesture towards me, then pointed to the truck with his head. Time to go, it seemed.

“Oh dear” I heard behind me, the sigh and worried voice made me turn with a pursued mouth “You really should stay, I could-“

“Noona, please” I said, not even trying to sound pleading, because there was nothing to plead for, not on my part. I just wanted her to be at ease, even though I knew she wouldn’t no matter what I said “I’ll be ok, I’ll be careful”

“Oh no, you won’t” she said then, a mild angry note on her voice “Don’t try to fool me, I know that given the right circumstances you’ll jump to your imminent death”

I could only blink at her in slight confusion “W-what?”

“Just remember that if you want to find your friends, you have to stay alive until you reach the capital”

“I-… I know, but-“

“But nothing, a corpse cannot travel, alright?”

“What are you imagining exactly, noona? I’m not going to kill myself at the first chance”

“Oh, no, but you might forget that you’re nothing but a young boy playing the adventurer game-”

“What the fuck are you saying? I’m not playing and this is not a fucking game!” I snapped, surprising myself a bit.

She held her stare for a few second as I sighed my sudden anger away, then startled me by throwing her arms around me “I know!” she said against my shoulder “I just feel awful letting you walk into the lion’s den!”

“I’m not… Noona, I’ll be careful… I mean, as careful as I can”

“I won’t be seeing you ever again”

“Why do you say that? You don’t know-“

“Sunggyu” she interrupted, lifting her head to look at me “Let’s just…” she sighed “Your group is waiting, you need to part as soon as possible” there was flat resignation in her voice, but she still smiled “Be good, take care, be careful, don’t do anything stupid, don’t give up, and send your friends my regards when you see them. Say hi to Yeollie for me, would you?”

“I… Sure, yeah, I’ll…”

“Go now” she patted my arm softly “They’re waiting”

“I… Uh, Alright” I turned around, noticing that the four people were already inside the vehicle, one of the back doors open for me and a hand waving for me to hurry me from inside. Time to move again. I pulled at the straps of my bag and spun on my heels, bowing as best as I could “Thank you for everything, noona”

“No, I-“

“I hope we can see each other again” I cut in, giving her a last nod before I started walking backwards.

“I hope so too, sweetheart, take care”

“Will do, you too” I waved, finally turning my back to her.

I hoped up on the truck and shut the door, passing the bag to my lap and taking a deep breath. The woman on the passenger sit was saying something, probably complaining about my tardiness, but I was too busy trying to see through the dirty window beside me as the vehicle started to move; straining my sight to see it before I was too far away, and there it was, the lonely shape still waving goodbye.

\--

“Could you at least _try_ to avoid the freaking holes?”

“I _am_ trying, don’t you see the craters out there?”

“Don’t need to see them, I can _feel_ them”

“Oh, why don’t you try driving then? I bet you’ll have this thing flying over the bumps and holes and save us the hassle, won’t you?”

“No, but I’d try to find another road probably. One that doesn’t look like a minefield”

“Oh yeah, good luck with that buddy!”

“Don’t need any luck, just go to the right and you’ll see”

“It’s the same fucking thing”

“I bet you it’s not, just get off the road”

“That’ll be worse!”

“Go and try!”

“No way, why would I leave the goddamned road?”

“To prove my point”

“No point to prove, it’ll be a waste of time for nothing”

“You just don’t want to admit you’re wrong”

“It’s not a matter of me being right, which I am, but it’s pointless and will only consume more time”

“It will _save_ us time! And probably a wheel too”

“Will not! I’m not going to drive off the stupid road”

“Yeah? Come on then, let _me_ drive”

“Are you nuts?”

“You offered, didn’t you? I’m taking the offer, let me drive”

“I was being-“

“A jackass!”

“And you are being a pain in the ass!”

“ _My_ ass is in pain because you can’t avoid the fucking potholes!”

“I _am_!”

“Tell that to the truck!”

“Why don’t you drive then?!”

“Because you won’t fucking let me!”

“ _Oh for fucks sake!_ ”

There was a moment of silence, and I realized I had said that a bit louder than intended. There were angry eyes drilling me from the side and through the rearview mirror, but a little laugh diverted their attention.

“Thank you” the woman in the passenger seat chuckled.

“What?”

The driver huffed angrily and the guy on the other window of the back seat clicked his tongue at me. The one in the middle, though, snorted and shook his head “Well, it was mildly entertaining until they started to shout”

“Was not shouting” the man on the steering wheel grunted.

I waited a few seconds and relaxed my shoulders when no one resumed the argument. There had been some barking going back a forth since we had left the town, but it was getting seriously annoying. The bumps _were_ a hassle, I wouldn’t argue that, but I didn’t think leaving the pavement would be any better. And we were reaching the next city anyway, should be at the end of the little trip soon enough.

A little nudge on my side made me look to my seat companion that, funnily, was the very same guy that had kept an eye on me during my last little trip, on Hyojin’s behalf. Minwoo was his name, barely older than me, and I couldn’t believe he was being pushed into babysitting me yet again (though he insisted it was not the case), but he was cool and decent company so I didn’t complain. I gave him a half amused glance and shrugged my shoulders, earning a concealed chuckle.  

Some buildings started cutting our surroundings, dusty wafts of wind running among their walls. The ground let go of the bumps and holes in favor of carcasses of cars and trash containers, the driver slowed the truck and the air inside got quiet and thick. I wondered if it was the animosity of the previous argument that still bummed their moods, but as I watched them attentively I noticed all their eyes scanning with utmost attention through the windows. It was no silly argument what kept their eyes outside, they were alert now.

I remained silent, not knowing the extent of the danger, and simply joined their scrutiny of the area. I couldn’t see anything, just a desolated town, as still as any other I had crossed so far… Though I had gone through some not so desolated. And actually, most of them had been inhabited, for good or for bad.

“Well, just speed up, I don’t think there’s anyone around” the woman said, her attention now blatant boredom as she stared out the window “Little creeps must be holed up somewhere probably”

“Or dead” the guy at the other window grunted “Hope so at least”

“Too good to be true” the driver sighed.

The woman clicked her tongue and shifted in her seat “Well, they must be roaming somewhere else then. Now hurry a bit, the sooner we get these goodies to their destiny, the sooner we can go back”

“Let’s not be reckless now, eh?” the driving man tried to reason.

“Reckless?” the other man snorted un-amused “If there’s no one near then taking too long would be more reckless than hurrying”

“Both things would be dangerous, so I’m doing none”

“You are going pretty damn slow if you ask me”

“I didn’t ask you, but no, I could go slower if I wanted. You want me to?”

“Oh, come on, guys” the woman tried with no real hope.

“What? He’s the one not making sense, I’m just asking”

“Right, go on ahead, I’ll just get off the truck and go walking, probably will be the first to arrive”

“Without these boxes wouldn’t be much point on that, now would it?”

“Ah, dammit” Minwoo sighed resigned, and I sympathized with him a bit.

I gave a sigh of my own and leaned against the door, trying to tune out the bantering going between the two men. It was near impossible, but their voices were more like a constant noise coming and going after a couple of minutes of slow advancing. Because yeah, we were going a bit slow, but, to the driver’s defense, the street was littered with garbage and pieces of objects of diverse sizes, as well as cracks and holes and fallen structures, and the sound of the engine was already rather loud in the dead silence. The day was still young and I didn’t think the city we were moving to was too far away. We’d make it on time.

“I do wonder, though…” I hear the soft voice of Minwoo “If they’d have gone somewhere else”

“Who?” I asked in a low voice, just under the chatter of the other passengers.

“The trash bags that roamed this place”

“You think they’re gone?”

“Dunno” he shrugged “Would be nice”

“Do they always give you guys trouble?”

“Nah, not always, but most of the time. They’re not always a real danger, you know? More like throwing something maybe, we just hurry and that’s it”

“Oh… But… I mean why…?”

“Hm?” he prompted with a curious gesture.

“You… you are armed, aren’t you?”

“Oh, that… well yeah, but it’s just in case of emergency”

“So you never had to… I don’t know, fight these guys?”

“Yeah, once, wasn’t nice. I wasn’t there actually, but heard of it, saw our guys coming back” he shook his head slowly “Then a few other times we were directly attacked, but luckily never resulted in major harm to us”

“Well... Maybe they gave up?”

The man scoffed “Yeah no, I mean, I wouldn’t complain but… I don’t know”

“At least it doesn’t seem to be any danger close this time”

“That’s true, and that’s why I had this sudden hope that maybe they decided to go fuck some other place up for the time being”

“Or maybe they had some kind of gang fight and killed each other?”

“Oh, I like how you think” he smiled at me, and we shared a short, dry laugh before going back to ignoring the now three-part banter that had somehow morphed into a weather debate, arguing if the big mass of storms were coming in a matter of days or weeks.

They sounded pretty serious about it, though, and honestly none of the two options was appealing to me. I just hoped it’d give me enough time to get to Seoul. Days should be enough, right?

I tried to wipe the smudge from the window to no avail, then resigned myself to watch idly the dirty view of the dead city. We were slowly moving past a crumbled area, buildings starting to rise higher and the already dim glow of the day was dimming a little bit more. It was a dry day, it seemed, some dust moving with the wind, dragging on the ground, flying up as we advanced.

I couldn’t help watching the windows; I had always hated the damned windows, empty, void and dark no matter the time. A curtain shifted a few floors up, goosebumps rose on my arms. Then a piece of hanging wood swayed in the wind, probably had been planking another of those creepy gaping eyes of the walls that I had missed between the darkness of the stained walls…

Stained and burnt too. Had any city avoided the fire at all? It didn’t look like it. There were black blotches, rising and diluting to greys or opening new holes into the buildings. There was a weird shaped one, a stark contrast of something that had been blocking the side of a store. It looked like a huge trailer… Or not? There was something right in the middle of the clean shape on the wall… Another stain, black, very black and… it was not a stain. Was that…? Those were letters, that was written and it was new, it ran over the grey of the ash and soot.

“Hey…” I nudged my silent companion “Hey is that-?”

A loud smack ripped us all from our musings and chattering as a dark stain splashed quickly from the passenger’s side of the windshield. The driver swiped the truck to the side sharply and we all piled up in retail just as a second impact blackened the rear.

“Oh my god! Hurry up!” the woman squealed while the man to her side tried to get the vehicle on a straight line again.

“What-?” I tried asking, but an echoing bang interrupted me.

I was not sure what it had been, but my suspicions were not optimistic and the dread in the others’ faces told me enough.

“Oh shit” now pale faced, Minwoo started looking all around “Oh shit, oh fucking shit! Where did that come from?!”

“I-I don’t know!” the man on the other side ducked as best as he could “It’s-“

Another bang sounded, and then another and finally a fourth snapped metallically and we all yelped in panic as we felt the impact on the truck.

“Where are you going?!” the woman screeched, compacted into a ball on her seat, her hands white in her desperate effort to hold onto anything.

The man driving was also trying to hide and peek through the black stain on the windshield “I can barely see!”

“There!” the man beside me pointed ahead, and then bent down when a new string of shots came at us. The windshield was hit on a corner, cracking a web of fissures on the driver’s side and starting a hysterical panic wave inside the truck “Stop! They’re there!”

“Speed up! Get us out of here!”

“I can’t see where I’m going!”

“Watch out!!”

The man managed to turn violently and avoid crashing into a wall, but hit a bent lamp post from the side instead, forcing him to stop. I had hit my head and side against the door several times, but was finally regaining my coherent thinking, so I tried desperately to find the source of the shooting.

“You need to turn! Now!” Minwoo stressed, eyes wide and fixed past me.

I dreadfully followed his sight, and then I saw them. Four at least, standing little more than a block away, and it was all I could notice before I saw them move their arms in a way that denoted what they carried. And then they shot again.

“Turn around!” I shouted without thinking, my voice backed up by other two as the alarming sound of impacts against our vehicle urged our retreat.

It was the slowest, longest maneuver I had to wait for in my life, hearing the shots and hits, feeling the impacts snapping against the truck, waiting for the one that would come through and hit one of us. A window shattered, sending a rain of smashed glass all over us, I wasn’t sure which one it had been, I wasn’t even sure we were still all fine. I felt as if we were riding over stairs, up and down, swaying to the sides, hitting bumps and holes, or walls and posts, I didn’t know what, I didn’t know where.

The choruses of voices yelling and cursing mingled with the angry engine of the truck and the shots after us, rustle and struggle, the a gun went off so close to me that I jumped in fright.

“Stop the fucking car!” I heard one of the guys yell.

“What!?”

“Don’t listen to him, get us out!”

“I’m trying!”

“Stop! I’m gonna put a hole through their fuckin’ heads!”

“Are you fucking nuts?!”

“Come on! Let me take aim, goddamnit!” the man shouted in pure fury, just as the drive smoothed down to a frantic escape.

“Get down, you freaking idiot! You want to get killed?!”

“I want to kill them!”

“You’ll get shot before you can even aim if you keep this up!”

“If you-!”

“Shut the fuck up and duck, you fucking moron!! We’re outta here!” the driver hollered so loud that even the distancing shots got silenced.

The other man cursed under his breath but complied, falling on the seat and hitting the remains of his window with the butt of the gun in his hand.

I took a few seconds to regain my breathing and uncurl from my position, coughing out the panic and dusting off the tiny pieces of glass that had reached me. My hands were shaking and my back hurt from the tension, but otherwise, I was fine.

The taut silence was only disturbed by the sounds of the rushing vehicle and our still labored breathings. Aside from that, there was nothing. Had we been left alone? Just like that? Was it a matter of proximity? Territory? Or maybe they just couldn’t catch up? Maybe there was really no one on these parts? I chanced a look out the window and discovered with dark surprise that it had been shot on a corner. I had to remember to breathe again after I managed to pull my eyes from the sharp hole and past the glass.

There was no one indeed, just rubble, garbage, dust and burnt buildings… Burnt…

“Hey…” I choked out, but no one seemed to hear me, or they just ignored me, so I cleared my throat and tried again “Hey!”

“What?” came the snap from the woman in the front.

“We’re… We’ve been through here already”

“Well of course! Didn’t you hear? We’re going back”

“Back?”

“Yes, back to the town, mission aborted, run to the hills, flee for your lives, any other way you want me to put it?” she rambled.

We were going back, miles back and away from the capital, away from my destination now that I was so damned close. I was… I was so fucking close, I couldn’t go back! How long would I have to wait for another chance?

“W-wait, but… When are you guys gonna try again then?”

“Through here?” the man driving sighed agitatedly “Not any time soon, that’s for sure”

“What do you mean? You’re not coming back this way?”

“Were you here with us just a moment ago? When it rained bullets?”

“But… I mean you could… uh, fight them for the way through?”

“You crazy?” Minwoo said as he adjusted himself in his place “You think we’re going to endanger our lives just to get past those fuckers? If they get us they get the truck and all in it”

“Yeah well, I don’t even think we’re going to go out either?” the driver grunted.

“What?”

“I mean that we’re not going to be making any other trips for a while”

“Why?” I ventured, already feeling all my hopes plummet to the ground.

“This little fellow took quiet a beating, I think” he patted the steering wheel “I don’t even know if it’ll last the whole way back”

“Oh, don’t you say that!” the woman spat.

“I’ll just drop the speed once we’re out of here, and then hope it’ll carry us back safely”

“It will!”

“Yeah, I have faith it will, but what I’m sure of is that once there, it’s going to stay there for a long time”

“Well, alright for me” she shrugged “We’ll just bunker up while it gets fixed”

“Yup, I only hope it doesn’t take too long”

There were some grunts of agreement, and silence again. The roaring of the truck and the dust outside, the quiet and the resignation, it was suffocating me. We were going the whole way back, I was being dragged away from the closest point I had been to the final point, and I had no hope of having the chance again, not in a long time, as they said. They were alright, they had provisions and a safe refugee to stay in, they could sit and wait… It was alright for them, but not for me.

“Stop the truck please” four heads turned my direction, a pair of eyes through the rearview mirror “Just stop, _please_ ”

“Did you hit your head?”

“Let me out”

“Are you insane?”

“Yeah, I am insane, now please let me out”

“No way buddy, we’re-W-what the fuck?!”

I unlocked the door and pushed out, feeling hands grabbing at my clothes

“What the heck are you doing?!” Minwoo screeched.

“Getting out” I grunted, struggling with him.

“No, you’re not-“

The door gave away, and a series of yells followed me as I leaned out. I tried to push the hands off without falling out, gripping at my bag and the open door as the truck veered to a side. I didn’t know what they were doing, or what I was doing for the matter, but in a moment I was crashing against the back of the driver’s seat as we stopped harshly.

Silence and labored breathing again, I counted five seconds until the yelling exploded again.

“Are you out of your mind?!”

“Were the guns back there not enough?!”

“You little fucker!”

“Quiet, all of you!”

“Are you kidding me? Did you not see-?”

“If he wants out, then out he goes” the man said, his hands tense on the steering wheel.

“But-“

“It’s ok” I interrupted, having Minwoo’s wide eyes keen on me “I… You have no responsibility over me, never mind what Hyojin might have said to you”

“N-no, it’s not just-“

“Just tell her I jumped off the truck or something”

“Well, you almost did!” the one by the other window added.

“Seriously, are you that desperate to go? Don’t you understand how dangerous it is here? Didn’t you see those bastards back there?”

“Yes I am, yes I do, and yes I did”

“But… What…?” the man sighed in frustration, obviously not able to understand what was going through my head.

“I need to go, ok? I _have_ to keep going, I can’t go back when I’m this close to get to the capital. Especially if I know that I won’t be able to get a chance like this ever again”

“You can start over, take another way, go… I dunno, go walking!”

“And how long is it going to take me? You said it yourselves, big storms are coming, how am I supposed to go walking all this way… Or not even this way but a longer one, with weather like that? And how long will I have to wait until it passes? And then what?”

“And how are you going to do this on your own then?”

“I’ll just sneak past them, they’re not everywhere. They don’t seem to be around here, for starters. And it’ll be much easier if it’s just me and not five people cramped in a huge pick up truck, right?”

Incredulous looks stared at me for a while, and I understood, I got it. I was not thinking rationally, I was being stupid, I was acting way too desperate… But I _was_ desperate. Maybe I had gone nuts for real, I just didn’t care anymore, the sole idea of backtracking all those miles to be holed up for an indeterminate time made me feel suffocated, anxious. I _had_ to take the chance I was given, as crazy as it was.

A forced cough came from the front, the man there sighed “Listen, we can’t stay here, we need to get out as soon as possible, we don’t even know if the truck’s gonna make it as it is-“

“I know, I know… It’s ok”

“You sure about this?”

“Yes… Thanks for the lift, I guess”

“Don’t say that” Minwoo was still holding my sleeve.

“Just go on your way, tell Hyojin I really jumped out, that I’ll be fine”

He coughed up a scoff “Contradictions there”

I stepped out, adjusted my bag and breathed deep and slowly “Alright, be on your way” I pushed the door shut and lifted a hand in dismissal “Thanks, it was a fun ride, take care”

The truck roared into movement, waves of goodbye sent my way, and then Minwoo’s head came out thought the window “You take care buddy! You’ll find them!” he waved widely, and I returned the gesture.

Being out in the city, alone and barely knowing what to do, aware of the dangers and direness of my situation, suddenly the image of the truck driving away filled me with a grim feeling of abandonment and fear. Then I remembered Hyojin’s words, and almost laughed at the truth in them “ _Given the right circumstances_ …” I scoffed derisively at myself “ _you’ll jump to your imminent death_ ”

\--

I was scared, it was the plain truth. I had been walking with my heart in my throat for a little while, my hands shaking a bit, my breath heavy and loud, until I realized I didn’t know where these people were, where to go, how to get past them, where to go from there… I had just started walking on instinct.

Crouched in a little nook, I stopped to sort the objects in my bag, reassuring myself that I had all indispensable objects with me, I hadn’t left anything behind. It was back like in the very beginning, me and my paranoia, my fear and my uncertainty… and my one goal in mind.

I wished then that I wasn’t alone, that I had someone with me, I wished that man… Jungho, that was his name, I wished he was there with me. I was sure he’d know what to do now, where to go, how to get out of this alive. But he wasn’t, he was miles and miles away, and I had to figure this out on my own. I did have his last gift to me, though, and my fingers curled around the grip tightly. Yes, there it was, the semiautomatic pistol that had been hiding with me since… Since then. 

With a resigned sight, I started inspecting the gun in my hands, knowing damn well that it was not the same that the rifle I had used years back, and that I had to get familiar with this one the best I could in case I had to use it… I hoped I wouldn’t have to, but given the situation, better safe than sorry.

It probably took me a while until I felt more or less at ease handling the pistol, still doubtful but trusting I’d know how to take a shot or two with considerable agility. Fitting the grip in my hands, left, right, definitely right, pulling at the slide and finding the chamber empty. It was unloaded, so I slowly and carefully set to change that. I didn’t have many magazines, but I supposed I was very lucky to even have more than one, and I wasn’t sure where to put the spare ones in case I had to re-load… Oh, how dire was my situation, really?

After a bit of careful struggle I managed to load the pistol, and now it was a serious matter of cautious handling.

“Ok” I breathed out “I can fire you, I can handle you, we’ll get along, yeah?” the metal felt heavy and ominous in my hands, reassuring in a frightful way. A trembling thumb was brushing the grip, feeling the markings there. I took a closer look, there was a little scratch, and then the shape of an open square with the word “Lock” inside. _Lock? I don’t think I recognize this one…_ I shrugged; it was good enough that I had it anyway. I rested my head against the wall behind me, taking a few calming breaths and clearing my head “I have to get moving” I said to myself “I have to get out of here”

With one last sigh, I hung my bag on my back and re-tied the shirt around my hips, then tried to secure the gun under the fabric as best as I could.

I had forgotten almost, how taxing it was on the nerves to walk on your own through a deserted-looking place, even worse knowing that it was not really deserted, but with dangerous people hidden somewhere. I kept myself concealed in the corners and edges, shadows and nooks, behind and under cover as much as I could. My steps were almost in slow motion, my eyes alternating a frantic survey of my surroundings and the attentive watching of my steps.

Minutes went slowly, and even though I was more or less certain that I was following the right direction we had gone through with the truck, I was starting to feel a bit disoriented. The burnt buildings had gone past a while ago, so my tension had increased tenfold as well as my darkest thoughts. I feared to be jumped any minute, wondering what could be a good alternative way, but also waiting to get a bit closer to the danger zone, as I didn’t want to risk getting lost or bump into something unpleasant either. Up to that sort of ambush, the road had been clear and free of any… nastiness…

Time passed, the cold wind threw dust at me, my steps were tense but automatic by then, slow and deliberate. The windows, the goddamned windows were following me, the dark insides of their gaping holes chilled my blood and my breath inside, I was admittedly agitated to the point of feeling out of breath, my hands shaking, the right one gripping at the grip of the pistol under the shirt. I didn’t even know why I did that, maybe it was that dangerous feeling of safety the hard shape gave me, the knowledge that, even if I wasn’t sure I could use it properly, even if I didn’t know I’d be able to shot, it could be warning enough were a lonely motherfucker try to take on me. _But please don’t let that happen, just let through, please just let me through,_ was all that I heard in my mind, or rather what I tried to hear. There was also the repetitive, _they’re gonna jump me anytime, they’re gonna be right there, the next block, the next street, that sound just now, something moved there…_ I couldn’t… I didn’t want to focus on that. But I couldn’t ignore my fears either, they might as well keep me alive, had done so before.

And just as I was trying to shut my paranoia out, sounds came from ahead. Closer than I’d like. Why had they been so silent? Were they keeping quiet on purpose? Did they know I was there? Were they expecting us to go back? There were steps, hushed voices, a bit of rustle, how close were they? I didn’t want to take any chances, I started stepping backwards slowly, my eyes trained ahead, my boots scrapping the ground softly as I got closer to the right side of the street, trying to conceal myself near the walls and shadows. I couldn’t believe I had gotten so close to them without realizing, it was probably around the next corner! They were hiding in there. Hiding? Why hiding? Seriously, were they waiting for us? For me? My mind was chanting a desperate chain of curses and pleadings as I backtracked at a snail’s pace, my stomach was hurting out of tension; I just wanted to reach the previous crossing so I could divert my way, and hope that I wouldn’t run into the rest of them. Stealthy, I had to keep hiding if I wanted to get out of there alive. _Why did I leave the truck? I should have gone back with them. Noona was right, a corpse cannot travel anyway-_

“Could you drop it?” I almost yelped in fright as a voice spat somewhere to my right, my heart going off violently against my chest as every muscle in my body snapped taut “I heard you the first time, just let it be”

Another voice seemed to answer, too low for me to understand. I looked around me in panic, I wasn’t sure where the voices came from, only that it was somewhere in the right side of the street, and I was way too close to it. Why were they keeping so fucking silent?

_Ok, calm down, have to move away, calm down, just… walk… away…_ I started telling myself, crouching down and moving close to an upturned car. I reached it with my hands padding on the ground, moving like a frightened animal… Well, I _was_ a frightened animal, wasn’t I? So freaking frightened.

“No! No we won’t” I twitched startled as the first voice stressed, sounding annoyed “He won’t last on his own anyway” I compacted myself behind the car, putting it between the sounds and me, and started looking for a way to get away without exposing myself “Come on, just leave the little thing alone, what can he do? Maybe he got lost” there was an alley halfway the block, maybe I could sneak in there “I doubt he’ll try anything. Must be scared shitless or just out of his mind… Oh yeah, you know? Maybe that’s why he’s roaming ‘round here, maybe he was a nutcase and his friends thought it’d be a good idea to drop him to us, huh?” I was staring at the dark alley, but my mind was somewhere else… And I feared… “Ha! Oh no, you know what? We’re all nutcases here, so let’s just let him be for now, eh?” _Oh fuck… Oh no, please tell me they’re not…_ ”If he finds his way to us, then we’ll see what to do with him… If not, doesn’t matter”

“But what if he’s here for a _reason_?” the second voice finally spoke up, and I decided it was time to move the hell away from them.

“He’s just one single little man, what can he possibly do?” _Nothing_ , I said in my head, _I can do nothing so just please forget about me_ “Let’s do this, ok? If we bump into him, or the other way ‘round, we’ll deal with him, if not, then nothing”

The other voice shot back something, but I was already rushing across the street to hear anything else.

\--

I had little idea where I was. I was so panicked and desperate to distance myself from those people that I paid little attention to where I was going besides that it was _away_.

I was tired, completely stressed out and paranoid. I wanted to take a little break, even though at the same time I feared what could happen if I stopped moving. A hidden corner behind a counter seemed safe enough, so I dropped on the ground and rested my back against the wall, concentrating of settling my heartbeat and breathing as best as I could.

So they knew I was around, somehow, and they didn’t seem to pay much heed to that fact. I guessed that was good, I just needed to avoid meeting them and I would be left alone. Right? Seemed reasonable enough, I had succeeded in avoiding them so far, just needed to keep it that way until I found my way out. How long was that going to take me, though? The day was running out, and I had made little progress, I really didn’t want to be stranded there for the night… But, then again, I couldn’t be out in the road either. How far was this place to the capital, really? Was there any real hope I could reach it within what was left of the day? Because if there wasn’t I was better staying put for the time being.

Well, if I was going to stay, maybe I should just try to find a safe place to spend the night. The place I was occupying didn’t seem bad, but if I could move a bit further away, could help me sleep better… Well, not that I’d really sleep. Yeah, it was back to the sleepless nights, oh the joy.

I was softly hitting my head against the wall, busy pitying myself when some shifting and rustling made me snap my eyes open.

I had once more my pulse running madly, my body tense in expectance, and my ears trying to pick up any other sound. I thought I had moved away from these guys! Why did I keep bumping into them?

A little scrapping sound, and then a whisper. The person was talking, they were near, getting closer, I could hear the steps. Seemed to be just one, walked, stopped, rustle, another few steps, stopping again. A little whisper, a snicker, more steps. Maybe there were two? More?

There was another little laugh, and I wondered what was going on “Oh no, you little fellow, you come with me” the voice whispered, sounding amused, and a bit off. It was a little creepy, to be honest, and for a moment I thought they were talking to me, but then whoever it was snickered again, and hurried steps shuffled away.

_Maybe this is not a good place to stay after all_ , I thought, but waited for a while before I stepped out of my hiding spot and resumed my escape.

I padded my way through narrow streets for some time, not sure if it was better or worse to walk the avenues and open places, or theses dark ones. I felt less exposed, but the dangers could be way closer. Well, chances to take.

There was a narrow door half concealed by some fallen pipes. I looked clear inside, just reduced space that didn’t look to have further connections anywhere besides a door solidly blocked by rubble and a very nasty looking bathroom. I should feel a little safer in there for the night, if I could somehow find a way to block the entrance (and the door to the creepy bathroom), better still. Didn’t need to actually block the door, or hide it, just putting something in front of it would make it mingle with the general mess of the streets and disguise it, whether it was from someone looking for a hiding place or someone looking for hidden people. I wanted to avoid both, so there was that.

Minutes later I was rolling a lonely tire through trash and broken glass until I reached my little door. That and the pipes should do the work just fine.

I was trying to be a quiet as possible, and was managing pretty well, honestly. I was so quiet that I could hear the squeaking of rusted metal and rotted wood from some remaining doors as the wind pushed them. There was little sound beside that, therefore my panic when I heard something falling just around the corner. I was just about to get inside my little refugee, but the little crash was soon followed by the whispers from before. Was I being followed or was it just my rotten luck? Was it my imagination? Was I hearing things?

I didn’t dare open the door now, fearing it’d make too much noise, but I couldn’t stay standing as I heard the somehow clumsy steps getting closer. There was a shushing sound, and more rustle. The silly snicker came out again, and I was weighting my chances of hiding quickly enough or confronting the lurker. It sounded to be just one, a very clumsy one. And they kept getting closer, goddamnit. Would they get scared and run away if I made some noise? Or maybe run to alert the rest?

Before I could make up my mind, I heard and _saw_ a pile of… something fall to the ground just at the corner few meters away from me.

That was it, I had to step forward or lock myself behind that door and pray they wouldn’t be able to pry it open… And then run for my life because it was a matter of time before the rest of them came after me, so-

The steps got closer, and the whispering sprung to life as I moved forward and pressed against the wall, a hand already pulling the handgun from its place against my hips. I couldn’t believe I was actually going to use it, even if just for a scare or… Whatever.

I was about to turn around when something fell on my boots, having me point the gun downwards on anxious instinct, but there was nothing, nothing and then blue and I froze in astonishment. I gaped at the sight, confusion holding my movements back until the blue _blinked_ up at me with a tiny “ _Meow_ ”

Still gaping, I loosened the grip on the pistol and-

“I heard you” the whispering sounded clear “Where are you?”

The kitten meowed again from its place on my boots and the steps hurried towards me. I had no time to think or understand, suddenly a person was coming from behind the corner and I was pointing the gun their way without hesitation.

They took a second to notice me, as they were looking at the ground, but when their eyes found my boots, my legs, and traveled the way up to shoulders… And the barrel of the handgun directed at their face, horror flooded big eyes and they stumbled backwards with chocked gasp. There was a loud clatter as they hit the wall and several objects in the way, then fell to the ground and curled in a shaking ball, eyes trained still on the metallic threat…

But I wasn’t even aiming anymore, I was done and undone by shock once again. The air was coming in rushs into my lungs, my eyes unblinking and unbelieving. This could not be happening, I had lost it, I had finally lost it. It was the light, the lack of it, the street was dark, I was not seeing right… But I didn’t care, I couldn’t care, it was right there. The dirty face could not trick me, I knew what I was seeing, the big eyes, the trembling lips, that… that messy crying. I was not crazy, it was him, it _had_ to be him.

A little mewling sound mingled with the sobbing of the man in front of me, he was mumbling something, trembling from head to toes. I took a step forward and he squeaked in terror. I didn’t even notice that I was still pointing the pistol to his head, nor when I dropped it to the ground, or how I got closer, when I dropped to my knees, or how it was that I was suddenly burying the man’s face in my chest, silencing his sobs and holding him with all the strength I could muster, hiding my face in his messy hair, pressing him against me to feel him there, solid, true, alive. I felt hot tears sliding down my face, wasn’t sure anymore if the sobbing was his or mine, if I was dreaming or hallucinating, maybe even dead, but no, I was not. He _was_ there. 

I just held on tightly until I felt him struggling to break free, pushing against me just enough to look up.

There was so much dirt on his face, tears all over and his nose was running a bit, and I couldn’t stop my hand from wiping the grime with a shaky thumb, while I watched his big, teary eyes make that click, that precious click of recognition just before they started watering once more, this time his sobs made into proper crying and his hands gripping my jacket with amazing fierceness. I let him bury his face against my shoulder again.

Something was poking my side, then pushing, and then forcing its way into the hug. The kitten. I remembered the kitten, and then the alley, the streets, the silence, the danger.  And I heard the sobbing and blabbering and it was so loud in the emptiness around us.

I maneuvered the man in my arms until I was holding his wet face, trying to shush him as he kept wailing “It’s ok” I finally found my weary voice “It’s ok, you need to keep it down-“

“You’re not real” he cried “Why…? You’re not even real”

“Wh-No, no, I’m real, I am very, very real” he coughed a little and sniffled loudly, finally calming his sobs “I’m right here, and I swear to you I’m the real thing, ok?” he was shaking his head, and I tried once more to wipe it clean with the sleeve of my jacket.

I was glad to notice that, besides the dirt on him, he seemed unhurt. I unconsciously relaxed at that, the corners of my mouth perking up a bit, and he must have noticed, because he was suddenly smiling at me, a big, quaky smile that showed his big teeth.

But then the smile deflated “Don’t lie to me” he sniffled.

“What? I’m not, why would I?”

“Because… W-what… What would my hyung be doing here?” he said, his voice threatening to break into loud sobbing again “You’re not real…”

“I… I can… barely believe this myself…” I tried explaining, running my hand through his knotted hair to soothe him “But I am here because I’ve been looking for you”

He stared at me for a few seconds “What?”

“I’ve been looking for you… All over, I…” my throat closed up, and I sighed long and deep before I continued “I’m.. I’m so fucking lucky” I finally choked out “I don’t know how this happened, or why you are even here on your own-“

“You are too-“

“I’ve been all over the place” I stressed “I’ve been… I’m just… I’m so lucky to have found you”

He kept looking at me, as if searching for something, the little cat still padding its way over our lap, clawing at our clothing and mewling softly. Then he finally let out a long breath and gave me yet another shaky smile, those big teeth peeking through his thick lips “You’re my hyung” he said, nodding confidently “You’re my Guy hyung”

“Of course I am, you silly dino” I coughed up a dry laugh, pulling him into my arms again and almost squishing the kitten in the process “And I found you Woo, thank God I found you”

There was a bubbling chuckle against my shoulder “But we found _you_ too, hyung” he chuckled again "Guy hyung, you're really my Gyu hyung, we found my Gyu hyung!"

“Yeah Dongwoo,” the kitten clawed its way up to our arms, meowling for attention "you just did" 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There, I've finally gotten this up to date! Now it'll be updated along the rest of the sites... Meaning every three months or so. Yey. Though the next one is rather close.


	21. Memories and ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first update in real time :D (?)

The wind whistled hollowly, I could hear it pushing its way through the alleys and windows, I could feel it sneaking under the narrow door, and the gaping hole on the wall. Yes, there was a hole on the wall. I hadn’t seen it before, covered by a hanging piece of roofing membrane, but now, from our place in the far corner of the little space, it was pretty blatant. Not big but evident.

It was dark already, so all I could see was a black hole up in the wall, meeting the roof. I didn’t want to draw any unwanted attention to our tiny hideout, even though I doubted anyone would be roaming the streets so deep in the night, no one in their right mind would… But that was no guarantee with these outlaws, so, just in case, I was keeping the lantern partially hidden in the still nasty bathroom so the light would be as dim as possible.

I was not comfortable, really, lying on the floor, my back against the cold wall, Dongwoo’s head on my stomach and the kitten somehow resting on the top of his head. I felt like laughing a bit at the image, they both looked untroubled and peacefully asleep, made me a bit envious actually. They seemed pretty used to each other too, how long had that little ball of fur been with him? I doubted it had been too long, but I did wonder where the kitty had come from. It looked really young, had no idea how young exactly, but it surely meant that there were still cats around, healthy enough to have offspring. Was this one the only one left from its family? Or maybe it had gotten lost and Dongwoo found it and decided to take care of it. I wouldn’t surprise me at all, knowing Dongwoo.

I pulled the blanket up, covering him up to his nose, and let my arm rest over his shoulders. He had his arms wrapped fiercely around me, as if he feared I’d disappear through the night. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth, _I_ was going to hold onto him with nails and teeth too, there was no chance I was losing him now that fate had thrown him at my feet. _No second thoughts, you gave him to me, I’m keeping him_ , I mentally challenged this imaginary fate, still marbled at the ridiculousness of our luck. It was so unreal, somehow, that I feared to be dreaming, what if this was some cruel joke of my mind? I didn’t want to wake up with empty arms, alone and… No, it wasn’t a dream, felt way too real to be so. But it did make me feel disconnected, foreign to the rest of the world for a while. It was like the surprise had been so big, the meeting so unexpected, that it had thrown me off my footing, and I was now having trouble relocating myself, and him, into the ruinous world enveloping us. I was floating in this cloud of blissful incredulity, staring at a black hole on the wall, feeling the warmth of my friend wrapped around my middle, the soft purring of the kitten against my chest.

The morning would be hard.

\--

“Not so bad” I murmured to myself, finishing packing and throwing my bag on my back.

We had awoken to calm and silence, the glow of the morning entering through that same hole up against the ceiling, and slowly untangled from the sleep that still held us. I don’t know how we ended up so wrapped to each other, but it had been the reason we had overslept so peacefully, it was warm and comfortable, and Donwgwoo barely moved or tossed in sleep. I woke first, feeling caged and trapped, but so very warm that it took me a while to understand what was going on. I had arms and legs around me, two blankets tightly draped from my feet up to my shoulders, and a turf of dark, messy hair peeking out against my jaw, warm breath on my neck. Something moved against my stomach, tiny and soft, little pokes and pushes made me panic for a fraction of a second, until I remembered the kitten again. I shifted, and then understood that my own arms were also holding Donwgoo close. I had to make an effort to change that, and then another to wake him up, as he just burrowed closer every time I tried to shift away.

It seemed to take him a moment too, to remember the day before, to understand and believe all over again that we were together now. For real. He threatened to start crying again, but I managed to avoid it, using the little ball of black fur to distract him.

“Where did you find this little one?”

“Uh?” he sniffed, blinking down at the meowling kitty “Oh!” he chuckled congested “I found him lost couple of days ago, trying to climb a fallen trash can”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he was hungry, poor thing” he cooed, picking up the little cat and cradling it against his chest.

“Well, I can imagine, being so little”

“But it’s ok, I’m taking care of him now”

“Yeah? What are you feeding it-I mean him? He looks really young, how old is he?”

“Don’t know exactly, maybe couple of months? He’s very curious and sneaky, so he can’t be _that_ little. I mean, he _was_ climbing a trash can” he giggled, the bubbly sound stirring a bit of warmth inside me “I looked all over the place for something to give him, there’s this supermarket two blocks from the avenue, it’s… Uh, i-it’s spooky inside” he let out a breathy little laugh, as if forced to cover his nerves “b-but I found the pets section”

“Oh, that’s good, Woo” I tried to encourage him, seeing as he had suddenly gotten all jittery.

“Y-yeah, I… I just picked a bag of kitten dry food and a couple of cans… I didn’t even check if it was expired” another nervous laugh.

“Oh, well, was it?”

“What? Oh, expired? The dry food wasn’t, the cans… I had to throw two, the third…” he looked over a dirty, green duffle bag that he had been carrying and looked rather empty “I don’t know, I can’t read the date so…”

“Well, we can go back and see if we find some more”

“Oh… I… I don’t think-“

“Don’t worry, I’m going in with you”

“Y-yeah?”

“Yeah”

A tremulous smile stretched dubiously on his lips “O-ok”

So we were now getting ready to go take a second look into that supermarket, and I noticed his heavy reluctance. I didn’t forget how skittish Dongwoo was, just had imagined that after all the time that had passed in chaos and ruins, darkness and uncertainty, maybe his fears of spooky places had diminished a bit. But it looked like quite the opposite.

The other option was to leave him outside while I checked the place, but I was not going to take my eyes away from him, I was not going to leave him alone under any circumstances. At least not if I could help it.

I had to push him a bit to start showing me the way, but when he did, he looked quite sure of his steps, barely looking twice around him before taking a turn or slipping between stretch walls.

“You know your way around here?”

“Yeah”

“You’ve been here long?”

He laughed softly at that “Well, yeah” when he didn’t elaborate, I doubted if I should push for more information, but after a little while, he resumed himself “I-I… We… We came here some time ago-“

“We?”

“M-me and… my family… and some other people”

“Oh…” I trailed off, doubting if I could, should ask about that.

“I, uh” the nervous laugh “I don’t… I mean, I’m alone now… As you can see”

“Yes, I noticed” I eyed him in silence for a few seconds, until I couldn’t hold the question anymore “Where are they?”

“I-I don’t know”

First signal, but I pushed a bit more “What do you mean?”

“That… I just… I don’t know”

Second sign, and yet I tried again “What happened?”

“I-“ he let out a shaky breath “I don’t know hyung”

“Woo-“

“I don’t know what happened, or where everyone is. I… I woke up alone and… That’s it”

“Woke up?”

“There was… this, uh… T-this big storm some time ago. There were, uh…” he moved his shoulders as if trying to shake something off “You know, thunderstorm… It was, yeah…”

I nodded to his back, my eyes keen on him and his uncertain, nervous behavior “Alright, a thunderstorm” I prodded gently.

“Things caught fire and… Fell down and… Just, it was bad” he nodded, to what? I didn’t know “And then, when it started to calm down, t-there was this big noise… S-screams and, uh… Just noise and-” a hand gesticulated widely in the air.

“A fight?” I tried.

To my surprise he scoffed, bitter and humorless “Fight? No, I don’t think they could fight back”

“Oh”

“We heard, we knew… I mean, we knew about the people near… This group of people, bad people” he turned to me “you know, hyung? T-the bad people?”

“Bad people, yeah, you mean the outlaws”

“Outlaws?” he turned ahead again, shrugging “You met _outlaws_? Are they the same?”

“I don’t know Woo, but I think they’re the same”

“Oh… Y-you met bad people?”

“Yes Woo, you did too, I’m guessing”

“N-no, I… I didn’t see them. I just heard them and saw… I saw what they did”

“What was it?”

He fell silent, our steps had slowed down considerably. I let him to his musings, just hoping he remembered we were going somewhere, and focused back on my feet and surroundings. I didn’t recognize the place, not that I had been around the town for long, but I did suspect we were walking away from the route I had been traveling with the truck the day before.

“Our town was crumbling” he suddenly said, his voice more firm than a moment before. I blinked at him in curiosity, but said nothing otherwise “It was getting flooded every time it rained, we were having trouble with some big, ugly rats, and people were starting to get angry with one another. Some wanted to leave and try to get to the capital, some thought that it was pointless and dangerous, that it’d be better to stay and try to work things out”

“What about you?”

“I… I didn’t know” he said, sounding a little bit frustrated, as if he had been dealing with that question for too long, as if he had been asked one too many times “I just… I just wanted to… I don’t know, I didn’t know what I wanted or what we were supposed to do, hyung. I don’t know why they asked me, I don’t like making decisions like that, I-… I just wanted to be safe” his voice trembled a little, and for a moment I thought he was going to break into sobs, but he just cleared his throat and sniffled loudly before continuing “We joined this group that wanted to leave”

“To Seoul?”

“Yes, we came here… It was just a detour, you know? Just… It was just a stop on the way, to spend the night, to… We weren’t staying here. But then we found a place to take refuge and some supplies, so we… I guess we overstayed our welcome”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well… I told you, these bad people, we saw them… Or rather, a bunch of them saw us, and they threatened us. At the moment we were more than them so they didn’t attack us, but they said there were a big bunch, and that they wanted us gone by the next day or they’d… Well, you know”

“Yeah, so? What did you do? Was that the night of the storm?”

“No, a bit before that” he shook his head “The people in our group fought over it, some said they could fight them off, that they were bluffing, but the rest of us just wanted to leave. It was a little detour after all, it was never the idea to stay, I-… I don’t know why-…” he sighed harshly “So we didn’t leave the following day” he muttered.

“And? Did the outlaws come back?”

“No”

“Oh… Ok, then?”

“The idiots got cocky” he said, his tone uncharacteristically derisive “They thought it was all a lie” a click of tongue “Idiots”

“So they stayed”

“They wanted to. We stayed another night, but we… I mean my family and a couple of others, we were planning on leaving them and move on”

“Ok, so… why didn’t you? What happened?”

“The thunderstorm”

“Oh”

“And then these… Bad people were over us… A-after us. It was still raining, we ran… Tried to run away, escape, whatever we could. Just-…” he breathed out, but his voice filtered a little, chocked “They were after us, I heard… I heard them yelling and… They had weapons” his voice fainted a little “I was so… so frightened, I just ran and ran, tried to follow the rest, my family was running too… But then-“ he hiccupped, stopped walking “I-I don’t know what happened, I tripped… I don’t know how, but I just… Fell and slipped down… There was mud and pieces of things and then I… I just don’t know what h-happened-”

I threw an arm over his shoulders, feeling him trembling a bit “It’s ok, Woo-“

“I woke up alone” he mumbled “I didn’t know where I was, what had happened, where was…”

“Dongwoo-“

“I don’t know where my family is”

I pressed him close to me, not sure what to say to him. There wasn’t much to say, really. I didn’t want to lie to him, neither to be cruel, so I tried another route “How long since that?”

“I-…” he sniffed and wiped at his face with a dirty sleeve, leaning against me “I think… A week or so?”

“You’ve been alone here for a week Woo?”

He just nodded, sobbing against my shoulder, and I couldn’t help myself from just wrapping him in a hug again.

I didn’t prod for reasons, didn’t ask why he didn’t leave, why he didn’t just move on to the capital, why spend a whole week alone in a place he knew was dangerous. He was lost, he was disoriented, in more than one way. He was obviously scared, I could feel that in his shaking, I could hear it in his stuttering, mumbling, crying, I saw it in his frightened eyes.

“We’ll go to the capital Woo”

A hitch in his sobbing, and he lifted his face from my jacket “W-what?”

“I’m on my way to Seoul”

“W-… O-oh” he dropped his eyes, rubbing his eyes “W-why… I mean, c-can…?”

“What is it Woo?”

“Can… Can you stay with me?”

I blinked at him in confusion “Stay?” he nodded, still not meeting my eyes “Here?” another nod, and I felt his fingers clutching at the back of my jacket “But… Dongwoo, don’t you want to go too? Weren’t you trying to get there?”

“I… J-just for a while?”

“Dongw-“

“I can’t go… Yet”

I furrowed my brows, then understood “Oh, no wait… Dongwoo listen” I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose lightly “Woo, you don’t want to stay”

“I do!” he looked up at me, but his face showed little to no determination. It was filled with doubts and insecurity, pleading.

“Dongwoo, if they managed to escape, they surely went to Seoul, as they had planned, right?”

“B-but…”

“And if they… if they _didn’t,_ then… You wouldn’t want to look for them, do you?”

“I… I do” he repeated, with much less resolve.

“Woo… you’ve been looking for a week, right?”

“Y-yeah”

“Did you find anything?”

“Uh…” I felt him shudder violently, and saw his face scrunch in something that I wasn’t sure was pain or fear “I… Y-yeah, I found-…”

“Oh dear” I whispered just as he took a deep breath.

“One of them… I… I found one…”

“It’s ok, don’t tell me”

 “I found-“

“Dongwoo don’t” I tried to stop him, he started looking out of it, his eyes looking at nowhere and his voice feeble.

“He was-“

“Listen here” I held him firmly by his shoulders, dipping my head a little to meet his eyes “Dongwoo, look at me” he did, after two attempts “the outlaws got to him, didn’t they?”

“The… the out-… what?”

“The bad guys? They had found him, didn’t they? The person you… you found?”

“I-…” another violent shiver, his eyes blinked quickly as he breathed in “I think-“ he pushed out in a shaky voice “It… was-” he made a notorious grimace, tears pooling again as his breathing got loud “They keep… They keep bringing it back”

That caught my attention “What? Who? Who’s _they_?”

“T-They, the three of them… N-no one, no one, it’s just me, b-but they won’t leave me alone” he hiccupped, not really making much sense anymore “I don’t want to… When I found him…” a shaky breath sounded between his teeth, a grimace scrunched his face “It was-…”

“Stop, stop, it’s ok, don’t” I tried to get his mind away from that, tapping his chin softly so he would look at me again “Woo, let it go, don’t think of it, ok? We’ll just go to the- Oh man” I sighed dejectedly as he broke down into a trembling crying once more, and pulled him against me, knowing I was crushing him but hoping it would help calm him down “I’m sorry, Dongwoo. We’ll just go, ok? We can’t… We won’t-“ I didn’t know how to tell him without making things worse.

Truth is that at that point, anything we could find was bound to be bad news, and after a week, whatever- _whoever_ we could find would not be a pleasant view. The best course of action would be to go to Seoul and hope that his family was there already, or at least on their way. If not, then it’d be better if he never found them. But I couldn’t tell him that now, could I? Considering that it was the third or fourth time he broke crying like a child in the hours we were together, I doubted it was a good idea to be too blunt with him. I wasn’t blaming him, I guessed could blame no grown man or child of crying at these times, and I remembered how he was the most prone to cry among us, but this? Had he lost his grip after it all happened? Or maybe it had been this time he spent on his own that destabilized him?... Or maybe it was me? Perhaps he was the sane one, the one that had remained true to himself all this time and I was the one… Askew? It could be… It most probably… I was probably a bit twisted by this point, something must have started malfunctioning in my head, that was for sure. But in that case, all the more reason to try and avoid hurting Dongwoo with my own roughness… right?

“Hyung?” he called, voice nasal but stable.

“Yeah, sorry” I said, loosening my grip around him.

To my relief, he chuckled a little, distancing only the necessary to pull the struggling kitten out of the pocket of his coat “He was getting crushed” he said with a smile.

I sighed internally, glad that he seemed to have forgotten the previous topic. I watched as he cooed at the little animal in his hands, the rim of his eyes red as his nose, and decided that I had to take him out of there as soon as possible.

“Come on, Woo, let’s check that store you told me about” I said, taking a few steps forward and waiting for him to catch up.

It didn’t really surprise me when he took hold of my hand with his own, lacing his fingers firmly with mine before we resumed walking.

\--

The place _was_ creepy, to give Dongwoo some credit. The parking lot at the front was sprinkled with battered, burnt, twisted carcasses of vehicles, the metal blinds of the wide entryway were rusted, stained and bent, half lifted or simple forced open towards a side, showing the dark insides of the rather big building. The big letters of the store name cut starkly against the murky sky, empty metal frame or sharp looking, rusting skeletons of the figures.

I felt Dongwoo’s reluctance as we walked closer to the entrance, his pace slower and his hand tighter around mine, few steps away from the twisted metal binds, I had to pull him along.

“W-wait, hyung, I-I can wait here…” he said doubtfully.

“Really? You’re going to stay here alone until I come out?”

I didn’t have to press more than that, a single look around and then “N-no, no, I don’t… I’ll go with you” he nodded, pressing himself to my side, one hand fiercely wrapped around my own, the other cupping the pocket where the kitten traveled unconcerned.

We gingerly stepped through the hole under the forced binds, carefully dodging the broken glass on the edges and smashed on the floor. It was very dark inside, the weak light that filtered the same way we did was barely enough to illuminate few meters around, throw a veil of half-light a bit further, and nothing else. I heard the tiny plea from my side, then an equally tiny sound from the little cat, and shifted to rummage into my bag for the torch.

When the splash of light shot ahead of us, I heard Dongwoo’s sharp gasp as he plastered himself to my side. I didn’t even ask.

“Alright,” I started in a whisper, moving the beam of light one side and the other, checking the trashed state of the place “Seems like there’s been some people around, right?”

“Y-yeah…”

“So I suppose we can’t expect to find much of use”

“T-there wasn’t much when I came…”

I hummed in response, trying to guess where to go and if there was any point in going in at all. It seemed that people had already ransacked the place, I could see little to nothing of any utility, there were just broken packages, trash, spilled goods here and there, dust and thin rubble, few lonely carts, and a faint, unpleasant smell. But, then again, we were there to pick some extra food for the little fur ball and, if we were lucky, something for us, food or not. I supposed the people who had emptied the shelves weren’t looking for kitten food precisely. 

I started slowly towards the aisles “Come on, let’s be quiet”

“I… I-… ok” Dongwoo mumbled before I heard his feet shuffle behind me.

I knew he was frightened, I could hear the little whispers of complaint, the slight unevenness of his congested breathing. I glanced towards him, found him looking warily around, his hands clutching his pocket with intent while the kitten attempted to poke his head out, growing restless. I myself was growing a bit impatient, the place was dark and humid, and nothing promising was coming up, only that unpleasant stench growing heavier.

“They’re going to come bother me… Any time now… They’ll come” I heard him mutter at some point, but when I asked he dismissed it quickly “No one, it’s just me, just me” he said, with an automaticity that spoke of a considerable time telling that to himself. I decided not to prod, it was not a good moment.

The place was a mess, and I didn’t want to waste too much time navigating trashed aisles and unsettling smells. I had to ask Dongwoo twice to help me find the way towards the pet section, breaking through his mumblings, all the while searching on the floor and shelves for anything that looked remotely useful. Even when I had little to no hope of finding anything, it was a bit frustrating when I found nothing indeed until I bumped into a ripped graphic of puppies half hanging over an askew aisle. Kitten food it was then.

Behind me, the little animal had started meowling in complain, and Dongwoo had doubled his efforts to keep him in the pocket of his clothes.

“Woo, careful, it’ll end up jumping” I said, a slight pinch of pain hitting my head.

“No, I just… I just don’t want him to get out, he might get lost, this is so dark…”

“Yes, but if you keep pushing-“

“It’s ok, I just need to- Ah! N-no, wait!”

I saw him scramble and spin in his place, his hands fumbling to keep the kitten from jumping to the floor, letting out a loud yelp when the fur ball almost made it.

“Dongwoo, quiet” I scolded, casting a look around. I doubted there was anyone, but the place had a worrisome camp of outlaws and we didn’t know how far they were. Precaution was never enough.

“Y-yes, I’m sor-Oh no!” he yelped again, and I flinched at the tone of his voice “Wait, come here!”

“Dongwoo!” I saw the little black spot hurrying right past me, while Dongwoo spun wildly in a blind search, whining incoherently “ _Dongwoo_ ” I stressed, my eyes clenching under another poke of pain to my head “Shut up!”

He looked at me with big teary eyes, and I was a bit taken aback by his reaction, so much so that I just sighed and approached him “Don’t cry Woo-“

“But-“ his voice broke.

“Listen, we have to-“ a loud clatter interrupted me, and after a second of mild panic, and then a moment of Dongwoo’s big, teary, pleading eyes, I sighed again and resigned myself “Alright”

The kitten was making it easy for us to follow him, meowiling his way around the place, bumping things and making a little scale mess in the already messed up store. It was going to the back of the place, the walls closing on us noticeably, as well as the impregnating stench, until there were no more than few narrow aisles between them. We just followed the noise, trying not to hurry after him in case he’d bolt, even when Dongwoo was having trouble keeping himself from launching into a sprint. The kitten was just fooling around, we’d catch him when he stopped to check something out closely, it _was_ a cat after all, and curiosity was thick in his nature.

But what I was not expecting was for the pile of crumbled material that stopped our walk. A section of the ceiling had collapsed, making a gaping hole above us and a mountain of concrete, plaster, metal and crushed material in our way, a huge chunk still attached above. I supposed this was as far as we were going to explore. But the kitten, making his was up over the rubble, seemed to have a different idea.

I saw that he seemed to have some trouble navigating the blocks and pieces of material, so I thought it as good a chance as any. I passed the torch to Dongwoo and took a step forward, then looked up.

“Woo, turn up the torch”

“W-what?”

“Turn it u-“

“No!” he whelped, and it delivered a merciless slap to my hurting head.

“Why the fuck not? Just do it!” I snapped, shaking my head slightly and regretting it immediately.

“Why? It’ll be pitch black in here!”

I had to wait a second to understand, and then unlock my jaw “I said turn it _up_ , not off”

“Oh…”

He did, after a few mumbles, and I lifted my eyes to look at the hole in the ceiling. There was more enclosed space up there, meaning upstairs was more building. Maybe there was more of the store up there, or just dead space. Well, I’d be checking on that… Maybe, if we found the stairs, and after I retrieved that black ball of fur from whatever it had climbed to.

I approached the crumbled ceiling as Dongwoo pointed the torch down again. The cat was nowhere to be seen. How in hell had it climbed so quickly?

“Damn it” I mumbled.

Few seconds later I started gingerly stepping over the debris.

“Careful… Hyung” the feeble voice behind me said.

I just grunted, my jaw clenched and my brow heavy under a scowl. The headache was dense and persistent, and that freaking smell was making it all worse…

I scoffed, then clicked my tongue in annoyance. Of course, the stupid smell was the cause of my headache, and I was walking towards it, no doubt. Damn that cat, did it- _he_ have no sense of smell at all? What kind of feline was he?

I crawled through the gap to the other side with some difficulty, then started to make my way down when I lost footing and slipped downwards. I held my breath as I came crashing to the floor, accompanied by pieces of material and clatter of it rolling down. I heard Dongwoo asking something in a panicky voice, and just grunted a response as I picked myself up. I took a deep breath, and my throat tightened in my neck. I had to huff and wave my hand in front of me, the other clutching at my head as it swayed painfully. What the fuck was that?

With a muttered a curse I started padding my way, remembering a few steps latter that I had no torch and could therefore see nothing around me. Never mind a tiny back kitten.

“Hyung…” Dongwoo called, his voice strangely doubtful.

His tone made me snap my head around in suspicion, “What happened?” I asked tense.

“Uh… There’s…”

“What? What is it?” I urged, already imagining the worse, like people on the other side of the pile of material-

“He’s here” he said then, a thread of cheer in his tone.

“What?”

“The kitten, he’s here!”

I gaped at the stone, my head pounding and spinning, and my nose prickling, my knees hurting from the fall. I swallowed the string of curses at the tip of my tongue and let out a sharp breath. I dusted my thighs just to slap something and stepped back, only to have my foot slip under me and the floor greeting me harshly once again. I grunted half in pain half in anger and then again in pure discomfort, as a wave of that awful stench hit me like a punch in the gut.

“The fuck is that?” I groaned, trying to stand up… and feeling my calf wet.

I hurried to my feet and pulled at the soaked fabric from my leg, my fingers came up wet and… oily. I was about to lift my hand to my face when I found myself suddenly drowning in the suffocating smell that shook my head and my stomach in a painful swirl of nausea. I staggered backwards and hit a piece of ceiling still hanging from above. Dongwoo spoke, but I was still trying to keep the floor under my feet and my brain inside my skull. I held my hand as far away from me as I could, but the smell was still there, everywhere. And then it hit me, I knew that smell, I knew it and had _always_ hated it. I had recognized it in the store, faint but persistent, like in that first, depressing refugee I had stayed at. It impregnated the place, a steady hint of it, especially at night.

I looked at my hand, then my leg, drenched in kerosene.

I lifted my eyes, squinting in the near darkness, and focused in the shapes further into the almost blocked nook. Dongwoo’s voice caught my attention from the other side of the pile of ceiling.

“What?”

“I said, are you ok?”

“Oh, yeah, fine… Pass me the light, Woo”

I saw the beam of light wobbling all over, the intensity growing along the rustle as he approached to the reduced space where I had crawled through. I climbed a bit to reach through the hole, just as Dongwoo’s hand peaked up, torch held tight.

“D-do we have another?” he asked softly.

“No”

“… Oh”

“It’ll be just a moment, Woo”

“Can I come over?”

“Stay there, it’s awful in here, and you could fall-“

“But I-“

“Stay with the kitten”

A bit of silence, then his hand let go of the torch with a firm “O-ok”

I splashed the dark nook with the torch, half attentive to the thin whining of Dongwoo behind me, and walked closer to the trashed aisles. It looked like the results of a giant domino play, the big metal-and-plastic structures piling over the next in progressive inclination. There were only four, the last one still standing as it was against the wall on the left. I tried to breathe the minimum necessary as I crouched to the most horizontal of the shelves, which had created a rather narrow yet pestilent cave under it’s once white body. I could see the bottles smashed on the floor underneath, some open at the top, some simply slashed or torn, a few still full and undamaged. I checked the contents of the whole section, as thoroughly as I could, and figured that the killing headache plus the nauseating dizziness was not only fault of the spilled kerosene, but also burning alcohol, some pesticides, chlorine and who knows what other perturbingly toxic concoctions quietly lying on the floor. I supposed the place should have been the camping and exteriors section, or something of the likes, if the discernible contents of the shelves were any indication.

The fumes were starting to build real nausea in me, as well as a concerning swirl of the walls and ground, I was almost sure I was wobbling on my legs, but the idea of all these substances here was keeping me from going back over the rubble. It all brought back images of lanterns and light, of fires for cooking and warmth, trash burning some blocks away from our refuge, the clothes of sick people that didn’t make it through the hours of a new day or a dead night. It all brought back the memory of fire, fire for warmth and light, or sometimes… Sometimes not, sometimes it was lighting and sparks, it was a storm or a shaking so violent it brought fire to life where it shouldn’t be born. And then there was this _one_ memory, this other one, the one that was really swarming my head, the one I was trying to hide behind the mundane life of surviving, behind the harsh inevitability of nature, the one that sent a violent shiver down my spine, both repelling and attractive. It was that smell, along with the smoke, the rush, the hatred, the fear, the chaos. It was the pile of carbonized bodies on the street, it was the crashing of windows and the flare of heat, it was fear, hate, confusion and awe in one single, terrifying moment.

I was about to vomit, I was about to faint, and yet all I could think was of a flaming hand and the void in the bottom of your stomach as you tried, desperately, to guess which side to run. All I could do was fear my own need for the feel of that flame in my hand, for the knowledge of which side it would fly. Just like the way the machete had felt on my waist, just like the hard metal of the gun weighed on my belt; a little flame in my hand, a whole world on fire, my fear reflected on volatile hatred that surged up along the bile and tears that had me stumbling back to the pile of fallen ceiling. That pungent smell, kerosene, alcohol…

“Dongwoo” I called without thinking, my voice twisted by nausea and low in my doubts, almost begging that he wouldn’t listen so I could just walk back at once.

But “Yeah, hyung?”

“Do you have space in your bag?”

\--

I didn’t like how it smelled, it made me feel queasy, but hyung said he would carry it if it bothered me. I didn’t want to say yes, but I didn’t want to carry it. I didn’t know what he had taken from that dark place, but he had us go through the rest of the store picking some random things before he climbed back into that bad smelling section and came back balancing a big bundle of… something under some towels. I didn’t understand, honestly. Why would he want those towels? Or the expired tomato sauce bottles? Or the mops or kitchen rags? Or whatever he was taking now from that dark corner that smelled of factories and cars and fire? I tried to tell him that mops wouldn’t keep us warm, that the sauce had gone bad long ago and looked disgusting inside the bottles, that the towels were rough and dirty as an old doormat and holey and… And I didn’t want to question him anymore, because he wasn’t going to tell me. For some reason he just didn’t want to tell me and I didn’t mind, I was happy enough not to mind. After all, he was roaming the creepy store with me, and the whole picking of things had me more entertained and curious than scared, I had almost forgotten where we were, and it was just the two of us- Or three, really. But it was just us, and that was good. Good and comforting and so nice-

He bit my pinky, then licked it with sand-paper-like tongue. It tickled in a funny way, it’s wasn’t nice, but neither bad. It made me giggle. I fisted my hand, hiding my fingers, and felt his little paw poking and prodding at my knuckles to bring them back. Then he bit me again, and again his weird tongue. I straightened my index suddenly and felt the jolt in my pocket. It made me giggle again.

“What are you laughing at?”

I looked up and found hyung’s eyes watching me curiously. I spent a few second just watching him, marveling at the unbelievable miracle of it. It had been two days, I guessed, more or less? Maybe less? It had been so little, and yet I was already feeling back in place, I felt it fall in place, the blinks, the pulling and squeezing were settled. It felt like a blanket over my shoulders, or warm water on my hurting feet, it felt like a big breath of air after almost drowning. And it still made me scared at times, if I thought about it too much, or if there was too much silence, like now that he was busy packing stuff wrapped in towels. It still made me unsure sometimes, because even if it felt more real than the other times… What if it was still not there? All of the reassurance could still be fake, a bad joke, it could be those damned blinks, the pulling and squeezing playing with me again. It made me anxious, I didn’t want it to be a dream, I didn’t want him to be fake, I felt so nice, I felt so much better, and he felt so real.

Then he bit my finger and made me jerk in surprise, my eyes did not leave hyung, though, and hyung’s eyes were still on mine. I don’t think there was curiosity in them anymore, but I still knew the look, it was that patient look he gave me sometimes… He had to be real, that couldn’t come from the blinks, or the pulling or the squeezing, they couldn’t make that up, they couldn’t know that I knew that look. Could they?

“Woo?”

“Uh… I… What?” I had forgotten what I was supposed to answer, silly of me. It still made me chuckle a little when he tried really hard not to roll his eyes at me although I wouldn’t have minded, because that was another thing I remembered, something I knew, only me. It was one of those secrets I had for myself, like dad’s face when he was confused over the Iphone. There was no way the blinks, or the pulling or the squeezing could fake that face, because I had kept it a secret from them. Just like this, like the face of patience, the rolling of eyes, like him. I had kept him hidden so they would not touch him. I didn’t really remember what else I had kept secret, I just found out when I found it, it felt nice to do so, surprises under the cover of constant confusion, more secrets kept safe. So no, he had to be real, they couldn’t fake him, they wouldn’t know how. And now it was too late, because I had found him first. It made me feel suddenly better than them, I was smarter now, and I laughed glad and proud, and relieved and hopeful again. And then I remembered “Oh! It’s just the kitten, he’s biting and it tickles”

“Tickles?”

“Yeah” I laughed at his face, he had an eyebrow up, but an amused one.

“Alright, let’s find some food so he won’t eat your hand, alright?”

“What?... Oh, oh!” I giggled, that was silly of him now.

\--

Our bags were considerably heavier now, and we had swapped them. We had found a bit of kitten food after all, the cans were no good, only one had survived whole and not expired, so we dropped the doubtful one Dongwoo had and kept that one. I felt really self-conscious carrying Dongwoo’s bag, but there was no point on giving myself a hard time about it. It was just a safety measure, just like a blade, a knife, a pole, a gun. Just another kind, and I honestly didn’t hope to use it, it was more of a twisted fantasy that had unraveled from my most rotten pit of anger than any real speculation of action. It was just a reassurance, or a useless little amulet, if you thought about it, because I really didn’t plan on using it, didn’t want to, it would scare the shit out of me. Or so I guessed, or maybe so I hoped.

“Hyung?”

“What?”

“Where are we going now?”

I took a look around, the abandoned, creepy looking parking lot was half a block behind us now, and I didn’t think there was anything else worth our time in the city anymore. Actually it was a potential danger to stay more than necessary, we had to leave the place as soon as we could. The day had progressed to some point of the advanced morning, noon perhaps, I was unsure how far we were from the capital, but I thought we had a rather direct way from then on. I was honestly disoriented, and only hoped not to be badly mistaken as I guessed the end of the journey days away. I also hoped not to hope for much, that would be a really stupid thing to do at this point, or any point.

Realizing that Dongwoo expected an answer with a decent level of security, I tried to give him the best I had “We need to get out of here and find our way to Seoul” and hope he’d offer some lead before I had to ask for it, because that’d mean he didn’t know or wasn’t sure, and that could be dangerous. Or maybe he still didn’t want to leave, and that’d be bad enough.

“Oh” he only said, and I held in a sigh.

“I’m… not really familiar with this city, though-“

“Oh!” he sounded suddenly excited “I do!”

And thank goodness “Well, that’s great then. We need to start our way as soon as possible”

“Ok! Uh… So, we just… We leave now?”

“Yes, that’s the idea, just lead the way and we’re out”

He seemed to dim a little bit at that, looking at me as if expecting something else, and I feared what he was waiting for exactly. When I didn’t give him anything besides an expectant look, he spoke “Alright, but… I mean, are we going to be ok? Is… Is it safe? Out there?”

I felt my brow scrunch lightly, though half relieved he wasn’t asking for us to stay for longer “What do you mean?”

“I mean… You know, it’s dangerous to leave… To travel”

“Dongwoo, you do realize that you’re coexisting with a camp of outlaws, right?”

“Uh, well, yeah but… They don’t bother me”

I had to rethink what I was about to say a few times before I deemed it harmless enough “Dongwoo, you told me they attacked your group”

“Uh… Well, yeah”

“Really? What, had you forgotten about that?”

“What? No! I… It’s just that… I don’t know, it’s been quieter so far, I thought…” he shrugged.

“That they forgot about you? That they just decided you could go on your merry way?”

“I-I don’t know-“

“They didn’t, Dongwoo. They’re just waiting for you to stumble upon them, or the other way around”

“I guess-“

“Oh no, I know. I heard them” he looked up at that, eyes big and worried “, so believe me, the sooner we leave, the better”

It seemed to take him a moment to analyze the situation, his brow growing heavier by the second, until he finally nodded, though still doubtful. I really didn’t understand what was going through his head, but this was good enough.

“Alright” he almost whispered “I think… Alright”

“Ok then, lead the way”

\--

I was not sure he really knew the city so well after all. Unlike the travel to the store, he was now doubting every turn and crossing, a haunted look pulling at his face as he stumbled his way through the narrower streets of the place.

“Are you sure about this Dongwoo?” I asked after a few coming and goings over the same street.

“Y-yeah, it’s just… I’m just…” he looked around and resumed his walking without finishing the sentence.

It had started rather well, actually. He seemed a bit anxious and scared, but more or less sure of the way. But then, at some point, we took a turn, and then another, and then I thought a building looked familiar, then a street, and then I knew we were making a rather messy itinerary.

“Listen, let’s take a moment, ok? I think you need to calm down a bit-“

“What? No, no, it’s ok, I’m fine, I know where to go, it’s just…”

Again a hanging silence “Just that what?” I tried to push, but he just looked behind my shoulder with a startled look, sparking a moment of panic in me, and then shook his head, turning ahead to resume his walking.

I wasn’t sure it was wise to let him go on, but when I tried once more to stop our headless walk, he jumped in place and shook his head again “No, it’s ok” he insisted, then sighed “I know, I… Ok, maybe…”

“Dongwoo, what-?”

“It’s them, it’s just them. They’re playing with me again!”

 _They_ , again.

“Lower your voice Woo. Who are they?”

When he turned to look at me I thought he was going to answer me, but then he caught himself and shrugged “Nothing, just me. I… Maybe you’re right hyung, I’m just nervous” he said, intoning his words almost like a question.

“Ok, let’s take a minute then. Walking aimlessly won’t do any good”

“Yeah, I… I’m sorry hyung”

“Don’t worry, just come”

\--

Stupid blinks, stupid pulling, stupid squeezing. They were playing with me again. I hated them when they did that. I hated them.

I tried to get rid of the squeezing first, because it didn’t let me breathe well. I took long, deep swallows of air, forcing them in despite the fight that the squeezing might give. The bastard pressed hard, but I pushed it away after a few moments. Then it was the pulling, and I started shaking my arms to throw it loose, then my legs, hitting my heels against the ground. Then I waited, it was hopefully enough to get rid of the blinks too.

I dared opening my eyes, keeping my sight straight ahead at first, then venturing quick glances to one side and the other. Nothing, there was a lamp post to my right, hyung to the left, the narrow opening of the street to one side, more of the narrow street to the other. Trash, stuff, a window, the black head poking down in my pocket, and then a little flutter, a quick little shadow lurking in the corner. A blink, it had to be a damned blink to the right, the little bastards always crept from the sides. I felt the pulling immediately, then the squeezing, and my heart in my ears, then a rustle and the three of them came back.

I closed my eyes shut, not giving it the time to take form. As long as it remained a ghost of nothing, I could see it as that. A shadow, a shade, it was nothing, no one, _ignore them, ignore them, it’s just you, it’s just you_.

“Dongwoo?”

Hyung’s voice startled me, but then the comforting blanket fell back on my shoulders, and I breathed out “Yeah?”

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah” I opened my eyes once more, feeling the tension dissolve around me. There was no shadow in the corner, just hyung to my other side “I was just trying to… calm down”

He hummed, but didn’t say more for some long seconds. Then his voice was really soft “Are you better now?”

“Yeah” I nodded looking at him.

He had his skeptical look on, but I smiled to show him I was fine.

Another little flutter blinked behind him as I was about to stand up, and I had to try a second time for my legs to respond, repeating the little chant in my head; _ignore them, ignore them, it’s just you_. The blink insisted, and grew solid at hyung’s back, but I wouldn’t let it affect me again. I looked at the other side, repeating _ignore them, ignore them, it’s just-_ And a crushing grip took my wrist and pulled down. I yelped in surprise, just in time to see hyung’s eyes go wide and his other hand flying desperate to my mouth, just a second too late.

“Well, well!” a strange voice crept towards us, and I felt both pulling and squeezing crash over me full force.

That one wasn’t a blink after all.

 


	22. A maze of ruins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A decade later, I managed to post a new chapter ;v; The next one won't take nearly as long, I have it almost done :)

I could feel my heartbeat echoing all over me, my fingers, my legs, my throat, my head, my ears, it was deafeningly erratic. The muscles of my thighs and arms were burning in the anticipating rush of adrenaline and my breath felt painfully heavy in my chest. It was a second of absolute panic, followed by frantic speculation of space and time, possibilities and potential threats, concealed weapons, effect of surprise, disinterest or actual state of mind. I could run, I could climb and hide, I could-

“Hyung” the feeble, cracked voice broke the seconds of headless thinking and pushed my ideas back in place. The hot rush of instinctive pulsing to flight settled, giving way to a colder calculation, though still heated by urgency.

I filled my lungs with air, slowly straightening my back and turning around as I stepped slightly to the side and a little backwards, putting Dongwoo behind me. I knew it was of no use to do so, there was no hiding him, no real shielding, it was just an impulse, one I had been letting grow since long ago without hinder or second guessing. And the sight now before me did nothing but to stir it to restless life.

There were two guys in front of us, looking all but friendly. It brought back a disturbing memory, one of fear and pain and desperation, metal pipes and hard fists, knives and blood. I felt cold sweat dampening my hairline, the back of my neck, my breathing harsh and my jaw tense. Trembling fingers dug on my sides, noticeable through the many layers of clothes, the shaky breathing behind me accompanied by tiny, almost silent whispers of pleading. I wanted to turn around and hug him, to try to make him calm down, but I could not. Not with the grinning face now looking me up and down, and the other one with hard eyes intent on mine.

The grinning one let out a bark of laugh “Look at this!” he drawled “Two of them!”

“Yeah” the other was still eyeing me “Know the nutcase behind” he said, then pointed with a jerk of his head towards me “, this one’s new”

“Is that so?” the first one clapped his hands, as if it were a jolly reunion he was being surprised with “Alright you” he pointed at Dongwoo, who at the time was pressing his face between my shoulder blades “If I’m not mistaken, you and your little group of friends were told to get the fuck out of here or we’d gut you!” his grin was still in place, but his freaking face was downright perturbing “And here you are still!”

Dongwoo made a squeaking sound against my jacket, and his hands tightened on my clothes. It only made the guy laugh, loud and sharp, while the other still kept his disturbing scrutiny on me. My brain was having big trouble trying to untangle itself from the fright and anger, I was still trying to figure out how to get away from the situation unharmed. It was obvious that these dudes were very bad news, and I didn’t doubt for a second that they’d be more than happy to use violence at the first opportunity they got, so I really didn’t want to give them any chance to do so. They wouldn’t just let us go if I used my most diplomatic approach either, would they? Right, so how the heck was I going to get us out?

“So what were you doing, huh?” the grinning creep took a languid step towards us, his tone ridiculously conversational as I flinched a step back “Taking a nice stroll through our city, I presume?” I half scoffed before I could stop myself, my whole body tensing in expectance of some aggressive reaction, but he only looked at me hard before continuing “Yeah, _our_ city” he spoke directly to me “Any trouble understanding the words, champ?” he gave another step, and I backed another, pushing Dongwoo along “You better get that straight, because we’re not about to let you little fuckers roam around our fucking city at your pleasure, you hear me?” another step, and I stumbled backwards, stepping on one of Dongwoo’s feet “I said, you fucking hear me, sweetheart?”

I knew there was no point in trying to gain face, so I just gave him a curt little nod, expecting he’d at least stop coming forward. It seemed to be enough for him, and he turned to his friend, who was still fucking staring at me. What the fuck was with him? It was making my skin crawl. A shiver shook me and I heard a little muffled sob behind me, which made me even more anxious, as it reminded me that running away just wouldn’t cut it. I had to get us away from these two before it was too late-

“You plannin’ on runnin’ away, little bug?” the one staring asked suddenly, his voice much deeper than his companion’s fake cheery chat “No point, I warn you. But go on, give us the fun” he smirked then, twisted thing crooking his mouth.

The other one laughed, sharp again “Oh, yeah! You just run, little bunnies, we’ll dig you out of your little holes and skin you for dinner, what about that?”

“Or maybe just set you on fire in your fuckin’ burrow, how ‘bout _that_?”

I could hear Dongwoo whimpering and sobbing on my back, and my hands were shaking badly, if out of fear or anger, I wasn’t sure, probably a bit of both. The two bastards seemed to be having a great time, playing around as if we were doe-eyed deer cornered under their riffles. And, well, we kind of were…

Only… it wasn’t really the case. They didn’t seem to think we were any king of threat, as they had already met Dongwoo and his group and seen they weren’t armed. But _I_ was, and they didn’t know that yet. If that were to be the case, maybe I could take advantage and take them both down? But how? They were surely carrying weapons, right? I run my eyes quickly over them and noticed a baseball bat on the grinning guy’s hand, but nothing on the other’s. Maybe it was concealed? Didn’t make much sense, since they did run the city after all. But in any case, I’d have to be real quick to at least hurt them enough for us to run away unharmed. Again, how? And how did I know there weren’t more of them near, maybe looking from the sidelines?

“We’ll do this, then” the one with the bat said, turning to us again “We’ll let you chose” I scowled at him, half in confusion and half in suspicion. He seemed to find that amusing, if his growing grin was any sign “You could play a bit with us here, or we could take you meet the rest of the gang!” he finished, arms spread as if offering an amazing idea. I clenched my teeth as he pretended to wait for an answer “Oh, come on! Don’t be so shy, bunnies, what do you say? Huh? What about you?” he stepped to the side, trying to peek behind me “Come on, you little crybaby, why don’t you let go of your buddy here and come closer?” he reached out suddenly, and I quickly jerked to the side to block his way. He was way too close for my linking, so I stepped back a few paces, stumbling over Dongwoo and almost crashing down.

I heard the other guy laugh, while the one in front of me moved forward again, intent firm in his eyes. I threw a hand back to push Dongwoo further away, just as the man tried to side step me again. He was almost over me, and Dongwoo wouldn’t let go of my jacket, so when I felt the guy’s hand on my shoulder pushing me to the side, I panicked and planted myself in place, giving a bit of struggle before I lost it and grabbed hold of his arm to steady him as I delivered a quick kick to his groin.

It was pretty messy after that, the guy groaned and doubled over just for a second or two, as I stumbled back trying to gain space. Then the bat came flying towards my head and I ducked to the side as best as I could. It hit me in the shoulder instead, and I scrambled a bit not to fall from the impact while the guy attempted a quick second swing. I managed to take his arm with both my hands, but then I saw his left dive into his clothes and come back with a knife in his grip. A hot wave of fright took over me when the blade came rushing right to my face and I twisted away as best as I could, just not quickly enough. Hot pain slashed my jaw, and then the weight of the man’s body followed me as another sharp burst of pain pierced my shoulder. I didn’t know if I was cursing or grunting or screaming or what, just that it freaking hurt and I was desperately trying to get away before he tried again. I did hear Dongwoo’s voice yelling or something as I finally managed to untangle from the guy’s weight, and immediately shoved him away with as much force as I could muster. He flew away a bit more than expected, and it took me a moment to understand that Dongwoo had pushed him away too.

I straightened myself and took hold of my friend’s arm, shoving him back again and gaining a painful shock to my arm. He said something but I pushed him further back when I saw the guy come at us once more, this time his companion lunged along, a now visible knife in his hand. In a split second I made up my mind and shoved my hand to my hips, taking firm hold of the hard grip and pulling the pistol out to immediately aim for the first head I could locate. It took them a second to realize what I had done and stop in their tracks, eyes going wide and steps faltering. The first guy opened his mouth, and I pressed the trigger.

The kick sent a sharp stab of pain to my shoulder, tearing a pained yelp and a jolt from me, the sound of the shot drilled my eardrums and echoed in the silent city like a massive whiplash. I felt my arms tense, my breathing tight, and I watched as the man dropped to the ground with little more than a breathless groan, his body twitching as an angry red stain expanded quickly on his clothes, blood pooling on the hard concrete from under his back.

A rustle from the side made me look at the second guy, who was now running away at full speed. A jolt of panic seized me as I watched him go, sending me flying after him. I couldn’t have him run away, I couldn’t let him go to his gang and put them hot on our trail. But he was getting away, the intersection would set him free and I would have no way to catch him.

I saw he was only a few meters from where the walls opened to a wider street, he veered to the right, hitting a pipe on the wall, and I planted me feet as quickly as I could. I lifted the gun and begged my aim would be good enough before taking the shot.

Another pull of pain, another deafening blast in the deep silence, this time mixed with the scream of pain and the rattle of the body falling to the ground at full speed. I wasted no time, rushing forward as I watched the man kicking and trashing, seemingly torn between twisting in pain and crawling away. I would end his predicament soon enough-

“ _Hyung!_ ” Dongwoo’s voice sounded ragged, and I heard his feet hurrying after me “ _Hyung, wait!_ ”

But I couldn’t, the guy had apparently made up his mind and was quickly standing up, one arm limp and dripping red. I pushed myself harder, feeling my shoulder and face burn and bleed, the strength starting to fail me, my legs getting heavy and tripping me over my feet. I stumbled to a side and hit the wall, the shock of pain so sharp and sudden that it jolted my entire body in a single, quick spasm. I bounced off and kept running, but I felt the gun slip from my fingers and clatter against my feet as I sprinted away. I didn’t stop, I ran faster, seeing the man reach the other street and launch in a pained run of his own. I pushed my legs until I felt the muscle pull and burn, saw the man’s back just meters ahead, and jumped him.

“ _Hyung!_ ”

We crashed on the asphalt, both of us screaming as pain shook us, but started wrestling all the same. I knew I had lost the gun in the alley, so I quickly reached for the knife in my clothes, pulled it out and threw my weight on the thrashing body beneath me. My left arm managed to sneak under his neck, my legs pressing against his sides, my left shoulder kicking with vicious pricks of pain as I pulled his head back.

“ _Hyung, don’t-!_ ”

His hands shot up to grip at my arm, trying to dislodge the choking force from his neck. I took my chance and gripped the knife firmly, then plunged it sharply at his ribcage. I heard his scream loud and ragged, but I still pulled out to give a second stab, this time the blade dug dip, between his ribs, and I held it tight in time with the constricting of my weakening arm. I didn’t know if I should keep trying, if I could let go, if he was dead or dying or not even close, so I just held, sick, trembling and near nauseated. I felt the burn of exhaustion and the drilling ache in my left arm, now shaking violently. I felt my blood running down my side, my neck, my arm… And the man’s trickling from my right hand. I was suddenly aware of the sounds, untangled them form the chaos it had been, the guy’s gasps and slowly decaying growls, my own harsh panting, Dongwoo’s crying, a little buzz in my head.

My left arm finally lost its battle, pulsating in pain and falling from its place, my hand hit the ground, the man followed swift. I swayed to the side, took deep breaths, pressed my eyes tight and tried to ignore the wet throbbing. I didn’t know if the man was dead, I didn’t care anymore, it was enough. I pulled the knife free and crawled off the body.

Just seconds, that was all I waited, all I could wait, regaining my breath, coming back to my senses, because the realization of what had just happened hit me almost immediately. Not the fact that I had killed once again, not that my arm hung almost limp to my side and my face dripped blood, not that Dongwoo was sobbing few steps back, probably at the edge of hysterics. It was worse, or it would be, soon enough. The shots had blasted in the middle of the silence, echoing through the whole city, there was no chance it hadn’t been heard all around. Therefore, the gang these two outlaws belonged to had probably heard it too. It was a matter of time before we had more unpleasant company.

“Dongwoo…” I gasped, struggling to stand “Dongwoo, we need to move”

Of course I had no answer, but I still set myself in motion. Considering the situation for a moment, I decided the best would be to throw the bodies out of plain sight, if not hide them. The one beside me seemed still enough, but I kicked it a few times, just in case. There was no response, so I put the knife back in my pocket and took hold of a leg, pulling back towards the alley.

“Dongwoo, I need your help here” no response, just more sobbing. I tried pulling the body back to the alley, my legs bucking under my own weight, the burning pain pulsating all over me already, my left arm devoid of strength. I managed scarce steps before I collapsed on the asphalt, heaving and groaning “Don-… Dongwoo, for fucks sake” I gasped “I need… your help”

He was still crying, sobs and little whimpers, unintelligible words mixing in. I sighed deeply, I would have to do it on my own and get him to follow me somehow. It was Sungjong all over again-…

I choked gasp escaped me suddenly, taking me by surprise. The sole thought of Sungjong had delivered a vicious kick to my chest, my eyes now open wide to the gray sky, seeing nothing but his frightened face, his eyes looking at me in horror, his body shrinking away… The image, the memory hurt, badly. The thought of him so scared, trembling and shying away from me, the fact that he was so shocked and horrified by what I had done, what I had to do to get us out of there alive… He was not ready for that, he had not been ready then, and what made me think he would be now? Making his way alone-?

_No! He’s not alone. He said so in that stupid letter, Sungyeol is with him, as ridiculous as that sounds, it has to be true. Sungyeol will take care of him, as I did… He’ll do better than me. He’ll be fine, they both will be fine. They’re probably already there… Yeah, they’re… They must be waiting…_

A loud sob broke my gloomy musings, and I heard shifting near me. I blinked some moisture from my eyes and looked to the side. Dongwoo was there, eyes red and nose running, bottom lip trembling and tears smeared all over his face. But he was there, reaching with shaky hands to the leg of the man lying next to me.

I felt something die a little inside me… A little more, in any case. Sungjong hadn’t been ready, and Dongwoo? What made me think he was any better? He was the image of a broken spirit now, trembling and probably horrified and disgusted by what someone he trusted had just done in front of his eyes. And still here he was, pulling gingerly at a dead man’s leg, holding onto the fabric of the pants in an obvious effort not to touch the body. Whatever it was that cracked inside me, it crashed to the bottom of my being, leaving a cold, thick trail of resignation and anger. Not at Dongwoo, no, never at my Dino, but at the world for being so twisted, at these outlaws for being such despicable bastards, at myself for turning into a monster. But if a monster I had to become to protect him, _them_ , then the most wicked monster I would be.

\--

I was aching all over, hurting, wobbling, panting and groaning. There was a not-so-funny cold tickling on my left arm, my face tight in pain, I could feel the drying blood sticky and cracking on my skin. With a final grunt and burning limbs, I shoved the hip of the now dead outlaw over a dumpster, cringing when it crashed noisily inside, along with its companion. It really was a twisted thing. The nausea had receded, the sick feeling of having to sink a knife into someone’s flesh and feel them struggle and bleed over you as they died had subdued once our own safety was in danger again. It was a raw survival instinct, I supposed, I hoped. Wouldn’t make much difference, in the end.

Dongwoo was still whimpering, his eyes red and puffed for crying, his hands shaking, his face pale, his breathing forcibly deep. That brought back a bit of the sickness to me. I wanted to apologize to him, but maybe only for not avoiding us being found in the first place, because there was no doubt left in me that I’d do whatever I had to do to keep him alive and as unhurt as I could. Even butchering a wounded men scrambling on the floor.

I shook my head, in any case, what’s done was done, and now we were in need of a hiding spot… Or a run. I was not in the best conditions for the latter, so hiding it would have to be.

I heard the shuffle of my friend going around, so I shut the crooked lid of the dumpster and went after him. He was on his hands and knees, mumbling in between whimpers and sniffling, crawling near the walls, poking around boxes, crates, trash, broken furniture, but avoiding blatantly the spot darkened by the spilled blood of the outlaw I had shot first.

“Don-…” I stopped, not really knowing why, but overridden with guilt. I had to take a deep breath before trying again, seeing as he had stopped and sat on his folded legs, not looking at me, but waiting “Woo” I said, my voice feeble “What… What are you doing?”

He breathed shakily and sniffed once before clearing his throat and croaking out “Can’t find him”

It took me a second to realize, and thankfully I did just before asking, that he meant the kitten. I cursed myself in my head, so not just had I had made a monster of myself, but I also had spooked away his little pet. I ran a dirty hand through my dirty hair “I… I’m sorry Woo-“

“No” he said, and the firmness in his voice positively had me mildly shocked “It’s ok, I’ll find him”

“Listen, Woo-“

“You can help me…” then added, in a softer voice “If you want?”

But no, no, we had no time for that. We couldn’t waste our little time in crawling around an alley searching for a tiny kitten that had probably ran off a mile away for the startle. Then Dongwoo looked at me, his eyes big and shiny, red rimmed and blinking the gathering tears, but also decided and deeper than I had ever seen them since I found him.

We had no time for this… “Alright”

And despite all, he smiled up at me, shaky and scared, but true. And maybe that dead thing in me stirred back to life, just a little.

\--

Nope. The kitten was nowhere to be found, and Dongwoo was about to start crying again. I had to admit that I was a little worried for the little furball, he was way too young to fend for himself. It was hard to convince Dongwoo we needed to start moving, he was set on turning every square meter of the dark alley upside down until he found his little friend, it was the simple reasoning that he had probably ran away somewhere else that got him moving, if sobbing and still calling softly for the kitten as we walked.

We were going towards the opposite end of the alley, walking by the big dumpster where we had hidden the two bodies, when I heard the tiny sound. A little thump coming from the very dumpster that had me frozen cold in place, my eyes fixed on the big, dark dented metal that held what I thought were corpses. Dongwoo was a bit behind, luckily, but I couldn’t have a nearly dead man crawling out of his wannabe tomb and scare him into a heart attack or plain madness. So I neared the trash container quickly, pulling out the knife again and threw the lid open as quietly as I could, which meant making the hinges screech and wail.

Dark and motionless, trash and two still figures, a smell that could knock me out if I didn’t shut the thing closed anytime soon. I heard Dongwoo ask me what I was doing, and then the little thump again, only it didn’t came from inside the dumpster.

Dropping to my knees gingerly, I lowered myself as much as I could and peeked under, into the humid nook made by the half collapsed little wheels, the wall and the ground. At first it was nothing, then a little cry, and finally the shift and the round, frightened eyes. I found myself smiling at the tiny animal as he kept meowing at me.

“Here, Woo” I said looking back, seeing my friend already coming my way, a hopeful smile on his face “Here’s our little fellow”

It took us way too long to pull him out, maybe a minute or so, too much given our situation. But we did, and so he was back in Dongwoo’s pocket, cradled and cooed over as we hurried away.

Or that was until the Dino stopped with a loud gasp that made my hart jump in place and had me watching all around us in alarm.

“What? What is it?” I asked tense.

He sighed and shook his head, mumbling something and pressing against my back. Strangely it felt like some kind of nudging, so I started walking again. I felt him on my heels, fingers hooked on my jacket.

Not much further it happened again, but this time, before I could ask him, he pushed at my back and started his low chant of _it’s nothing, it’s nothing_. I didn’t like that, primarily because last time he had done so, a couple of violent fellows had materialized behind us. But I still walked on.

I couldn’t help to watch over him, he was throwing wary glances to the sides, then squeezing his eyes shut. I couldn’t see anything around us, nor hear anything besides our own walking. Without ignoring the very possibility of company somewhere around, I tried to relax a little the shaky tension that was trying to rebuild in me, and instead reached slowly to his hand.

He flinched at the contact, and I flinched in response, but before I could feel the cold brick inside he fingers crawled over hand and latched tightly around it. I let out a little sigh of relief and tried not to thank him loudly for just accepting the gesture.

My ease lasted very little, though, few steps later he was pulling his hand away with another gasp. This time he was looking at me with a sort of startled face, and if I wasn’t sure I understood what was going on with him by then, the new tears pooling in his eyes just finished confusing the hell out of me.

I tried looking around for any sign of danger, then at my hands for blood I had missed when wiping it off as we searched for the kitten. Nothing seemed to be a glaring problem, I was running out of ideas and we were running out of time, but Dongwoo only seemed to want to cry again.

“Sorry” he said in a weak voice.

Of course that didn’t help me understand what his problem was now, but I really wanted us to move the heck away from that place once and for all “What is it Dongwoo?” I asked.

“It’s…” he hesitated, then walked away and kneeled slowly, making sure the kitten was not jumping out.

“Dongwoo for fuck’s sake, we don’t have time for this” he looked up, but I couldn’t let myself be swayed by his hurt eyes “We have to move, _now_ ”

“But hyung-”

“But nothing, come on” I went to pull him up, but he recoiled quickly and started rummaging the bag “Dongwoo! What the hell are you doing?”

“No” he said in all seriousness “I’m sorry, but no”

I felt my lungs fail me for a second “What do you mean _no_?”

“Because… Because…” he trailed off, engrossed in the contents of the bag.

There was only so much I could do not to snap; I was really tired, hurting more than I wanted to admit to myself, a little bit paranoid and pretty much desperate to keep moving. And there was Dongwoo, pulling carefully random items from the bag, examining them before placing them back in. I took a big, deep breath, feeling the cut skin tense and pull painfully, the dried blood cracked and itched.

“Dongwoo… What the _hell_ are you looking for?” I gritted out.

“I… I had this- Oh!” he jumped up, a short, badly timed laugh escaping him “Right, this isn’t my bag” he took a step towards me, a hand extended “You have it, hyung. I need it”

Counting to five was not enough, nor to ten or twenty or a hundred “What the fuck are you talking about, we _have_ to go. What don’t you get?”

“Hyun-“

“Did you miss the detail of us being in an outlaw-infested city? Or that they know of us roaming around? Or that we just killed two of them in a very noisy fashion?”

He shivered noticeably, but still kept his hand out “I-I know, but please I just need-“

“Fuck it Dongwoo, we’re moving now. If you need something look for it on the go” I spat, turning around and resuming our way “We don’t know how far more of these fuckers could be. For all we know there could be a fucking mob waiting ‘round the cor- what the fuck?!“ I jumped startled when the bag on my shoulder was pulled sharply from behind.

“Hyung!” came Dongwoo’s voice, and it took me a moment to understand that it was him the one pulling, and I needed to put the knife back in my pocket “Your face-“

“Dongwoo!”

“You-“

“Listen! Don’t you ever do shit like that again!”

“What?”

“Ever! You fucking hear me, _ever_!” I was having an incredibly hard time controlling my voice, my throat wanted to yell at him so badly it almost hurt to keep my voice tamed.

Something in my face must have conveyed the seriousness of the situation, the ‘I almost cut your throat’ I had omitted, because he shivered and took a step back. I had to give him extra points for determination, though, whatever it was he wanted must have been really important for him, because he still looked determined to get it.

“Hyung, please- I mean… I’m sorry, I won’t scare you again-“

“Scare me-“

“Your face, hyung” he insisted, his voice almost shaking with insistence “Please, I need to- to… At least clean it up… _Please_ ”

For a few seconds I didn’t understand what he was talking about, and then I felt a bit stupid. Of course he’d be worrying about that. Maybe I should have too, because the moment I remembered my face, it started throbbing viciously, and the tightness in my jaw became unnerving, like I was about to split my face open if I tried to speak. I still thought there was no time to stop for cleaning my face or whatever it was he pretended to do, but I admitted I probably had to do something about it.

Without a word, I moved the bag to my front and opened a bit, rummaging carefully through its contents “What is it you have here?” I asked in a calmer tone, to what he reacted by getting closer.

“I have… Uh, for cleaning it” he reached towards the bag, but I pulled it slightly away “Hyung”

“Just tell me, I’ll find it”

“But-…” a long sigh “I have it in a little red bag… I think…”

“A red bag” I mumbled as I moved bundles around, then saw a bit of dirty red and pulled softly. Indeed a little bag “Here. Can you… I don’t know what you want to do, but can you do it while we walk?”

“I-I don’t know…”

“Well… Just try, ok? We really, _really_ have to move Woo”

“Ok… But I’ll- Just… Ok”

He tried, he really did, and I tried to keep my mouth shut and my attention on the corners and streets as he set my face on fire. Fuck it hurt, maybe it was because it had all dried up, maybe it was wider and deeper than I had thought, maybe it was because I wouldn’t stay still, but it was rubbing my nerves in all the wrong directions.

At the third street I had to pull away from his grasp, but he was now a man on a mission and followed me in a heartbeat “Still hyung, please. I’m almost done”

“Ah, shit, you said that already”

“Come on, you’ve been through worse, I’m sure?” he tried for a lighthearted tone, but it came out a bit shaky.

I tried to indulge him “Well yeah, I stubbed my toe against a metal framed bed few nights back. Can’t get worse than that”

The chuckle I got in response was worth for another block of clumsy handling, but any sense of relief or safety was crushed soon after, when a distant crashing sound had us snapping our heads back. My heartbeat shot off again, hot waves of alarm cursing through my veins, Dongwoo’s breathing picked up in volume and he suddenly pressed to my side. As if I were to be much protection, really.

Maybe it wasn’t just cats, the old saying applied to us too, humans were sometimes too damn curious for their own good. We should have scurried away, made our way quietly while we had the advantage of the secrecy. But we waited, as if having a silent agreement, a mutual need to know what that sound had been, even though the number of possibilities was small, and none of the options could surpass the danger of the most probable of all.

But we stayed, in absolute silence, rooted in our place, tense and ready to bolt. We were a pair of statues near the trashed sidewalk, waiting for any other sound, anything that could lift our fears. Let it be the wind, a fallen pile of trash, another stray cat? Anything that could release the grip around our lungs, let us walk away at ease, _just let us go!_ I found myself nearly begging.

But no sound came, and we had waited a bit too much now to just turn our backs and walk, whatever it was, given the worst case, it could now be way too close to us to forego the alert. I blindly grasped for Dongwoo’s arm, hand, wrist, anything I could catch, and squeezed tightly. He understood, and in the utmost silence, we started walking backwards, eyes flying everywhere.

There was no other sound, but Dongwoo had started jumping. Head to a side, then to the other, then he started mumbling, his forehead pressed to my shoulder, eyes shut and a low, frantic chant that I had by then recognized. _It’s just me, there’s no one, it’s just me, it’s just me._ But, as much as I wanted to reassure him, this time, and once again, it was not in his head. Whatever it had been had sounded pretty real, as real as the shape suddenly emerging from the crossing just few doors away from us.

I don’t think Dongwoo got to even see what it was, because I took his arm and turned around to take off in a mad race. I was mildly aware of voices behind us, then hurried footsteps. Dongwoo pulled after me, heavy and struggling at first, until he found his footing and started running along with me. I still held his arm by the sleeve of his jacket; I knew he would be cradling the kitten in his pocket instead of using his hands full to his advantage, even in a situation like this one.

I ran like mad, I took a turn, then another, I squeezed our way through crumbled walls, narrow passages, anywhere that had light at the other side, I would pull us through. I thanked Dongwoo for his quick limbs and flexibility, as he not much as stumbled once or twice as I pushed us at hurting speed into ruins and rubble, jumping and crouching, voices and feet chasing after us with sounds as violent as our frenzy. I had hit several walls, my arms, legs, feet, face, back, it all was being kicked around by the crumbling city, yet I felt nothing but the burning adrenaline pumping my muscles to their limit.

I could hear the ruckus of our pursuers wane and come back, every turn muffled them, and then they were brought back a notch lower. It was working, somehow we were putting more and more distance between us. I could hear their angry voices growing frustrated, their chase more frantic and mad, my own breathing raged and loud in my head, Dongwoo’s started mixing with whimpers and sobs. I had completely lost track of our way, how long, how much, I just ran, now pushing my body past its attempts to stop me. The aid of the adrenaline was starting to fight again the true exhaustion and pain that ravaged my limbs, fear and weariness pulling at each other and making me trip, slip and stumble, my vision blurring around the edges, my chest aching along, inside out I was starting to crumble.

I refused to stop, no matter how much their voices had faded, I had to pull us away, burry us back in the silence and stillness of a dormant city.

I could see a wider street ahead, but my brain was way too convulsed to think quickly enough. We broke into the open space, and one second too late I decided that it was not good for us, we had to go back into the narrow passages, back to the holes and ruins. My feet stopped, abruptly, Dongwoo crashing against my back and almost tumbling us both to the ground. He was full on crying by now, wheezing and choking on his own spit, blind to the world beyond his own terror.

It took me nothing to realize that I knew that street, that place. I saw in a blur the bags and clothes hanging, the sounds were all mixed up in my head with my own and the ghosts that chased us, but I knew this was it, this was the place we should be moving _away_ from. It was the same place I had ran away from not long ago, where the same scum at our heels gathered. And it was starting to gain a noise of its own.

So I wasted no time and pulled us to the side, just as the wave of chaos that were our hunters cascaded closer. I should have avoided the stupid street, we had brought the chaos around in a circle, and now we had woken the rest of the nest.

I hurried to a dark path, I couldn’t see if it was a street, an alley, an open wall, all I saw was darkness and a narrow space. A hideout, what we needed badly. Into the narrow darkness, behind as much trash and concrete as I could find, under a big carcass, into a nook, past a hole, crashing down deeper into the humid, cold darkness. I was nearly blind, lack of light and the fright induced tunnel vision had stripped me of the rational half of my senses, I was moving fueled by the raw instinct of running and hiding from our predator.

I kept crawling until I hit walls, kept pushing and feeling around until I found a dead end. Then I crumbled down, my legs folded and my head spun, my lungs collapsed and I heaved against the nearest wall. But the sound of my own throat strangling me woke me from the spiral of shattering rams, and brought me back to our very, very dire situation. I immediately clasped hands and arms around Dongwoo, pulling him back with me against a wall, hand on his mouth and constant nonsense muttering to the side of his head. I didn’t even know what I was saying to him, but my hand clamping his mouth was oppressive enough for him to understand past his shock. He exchanged the open sobs to forced wheezing, wet breathing and refrained coughing was all the sound we made for as long as it lasted.

The noise outside was a swirl for a while, it was all so tangled together that I could hardly distinguish it from our own quiet mess. When I finally found my hearing made a minimal amount of sense, I strained my ears to understand some of it. There was noise, there were people not far, voices, conversations perhaps. I couldn’t make out the words, but they didn’t seem to be close, nor approaching. That was good enough, it would have to be, because we were pretty much trapped in whatever little hole I had dragged us into.

It was really dark, I could see nothing for some time, while I kept tabs on the voices outside, and after a while, it was only a pale, weak grey glow that came through a little opening that threw shadows and edges to our tiny hideout. The hole was small, at ground level, looking nothing more than a gap on the wall, mostly covered by a chunk of something from the other side. Maybe.

How the hell had I crawled through that? I had no idea, looking at it, I doubted anyone bigger than a kid or a dog could fit, but it seemed that we had made it, bags and all… Or maybe not. I felt around me, grimacing at the painful retaliation of my muscles, and found no bag next to me. It was not _on_ me either. I slowly moved myself, searching near me in short, jerky movements, but I still found nothing. Dongwoo seemed to have his, somehow, perhaps because it was on his back. The rucksack had been a bit more difficult to hold on to, had I lost it on the way? I let out a defeated sigh. That would be really bad. But I was sure, or mostly sure, that I had felt the weight of it the whole time. Was I imagining it? Or maybe I had dropped it in the last moment? I eyed the little gap again.

“Dong-“ I tried to whisper, but I choked up and coughed in my hands until my chest hurt a bit more, then spat to the side and tried again “Woo?” I managed, voice rough. He just hummed weakly “Did you… Crawl in with the bag?”

He kept quiet, and I didn’t know if he was thinking, sleeping or just didn’t understand me. He finally answered when I started moving towards him “I… had to… pull it in”

I nodded to the darkness and cleared my throat softly. Then it was probably outside. Hopefully. I moved gingerly on my hands and knees towards the pale glow, and then lowered myself to the ground to peak though it. The other side was also mostly dark, and seemingly small. A closed space, luckily, surely there was an outing, but not a big one. I saw dark walls, pieces of things, perhaps more rubble, boxes? Furniture? It was really hard to tell, but it was not what mattered to me, I was looking for the stupid bag. I stuck my hand out, then my arm, and started running fingers and palm on the floor around until I felt the coarse strip of fabric and the hard buckle. My hopes went up as I trailed along and found the rough material and then the zipper. There it was!

I managed to pull it in, and almost blindly checked than everything was ok. It wasn’t, obviously, couple of bottles had broken, and I luckily remembered we had flashlight before I cut open my hand trying to pull the pieces out. But besides that and a few battered plastic containers, all seemed in decent shape.

“What are we going to do?” Dongwoo’s voice startled me a bit, shaky and weak from the shadows.

“Well…” I dragged myself and the bag back to his side “For now, we should wait. I don’t think they saw us, and it seems they don’t know about this little place. We should be ok for now”

“You think so?”

“Yeah…” I took a moment to feel, not the place and not the contents of the bag, but myself, to feel how badly battered I was, how much everything hurt, how it burned to breath and to move, how my head pulsed and my hands shook. I pressed a palm to Dongwoo’s head, then wrapped my arm around his shoulders. I felt him shaking as he leaned against me, his head falling on my shoulder in a blink “We just need to wait a bit, rest, and when we feel better, we’ll leave”

As for _how_ we would do that, being right under the outlaws’ noses, I didn’t know.

  
  



	23. Igniting madness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There, it took a bit, but not three months! :D
> 
> (btw, as we're almost there: happy holidays for everyone! ♡)

I really had to go now, but I didn’t’ want to wake him. He had woken up in a startle when I moved away from him, but now he had fallen asleep again. He probably was tired, I was too, but my pressing bladder had pulled me out of slumber not long ago. I couldn’t go in the tiny place, really, but I didn’t want to go outside alone. Well, not technically alone, the little kitty was still with me, now way calmer than before, but it wasn’t the same.

I looked at Sunggyu again, completely out against the wall. No, I couldn’t wake him up. Not for something so silly at least. I could do this on my own, since when did I need company to go to the bathroom? Even when the bathroom was actually a very dark and very frightening place, where the three bastards would probably come to bother me full force.

 _You can deal with it_ , I told myself, _after what we went through today, you can deal with a bit of spooky shadows, right?_

I at least hoped so. But I still waited, right up until I was crossing my legs and shifting in place. I really had to go, but… Another glace to my hyung, still deeply asleep. _I shouldn’t wake him up, I have to go on my own… It’s just outside, there’s no one there really. It’s just a little bit…_

I slowly shifted away, feeling for the bag and then the torch I knew had to be inside. The kitten poked his head out the big pocket of my jacket and meowed. I smiled at him, forgetting the still burning scratches I had all over my hands, neck and face. It wasn’t his fault; poor thing didn’t understand anything that was going on. For him, his transport had suddenly started running and crushing him, a lot of noise and movement out of the blue, he had gotten scared obviously.

With the flashlight in hand, I inched closer to the hole we had come through, but didn’t dare turn it on yet. I peeked out, saw nothing moving, and took a big breath before throwing a last glance towards hyung. No, still asleep.

I placed the flashlight out first, against the wall, then maneuvered myself and the kitten through the tight fit of the gap until we were out… Or, not really _out_. Just outside our little place. I didn’t want to turn on the light yet, so I waited until my eyes got a bit more accustomed to the dark, though there wasn’t much improvement in such thick darkness. This apparently was another room, a tiny one, but mostly whole. It seemed to have some furnishing, but couldn’t distinguish much. I made my way around in little steps, a hand out to feel for the walls and objects.

I could feel no windows, but there was a rack of some sorts, shelves maybe, a corner, a few wooden plates propped on the wall, boxes, the wall again, another corner, more wall, another piece of furniture, a wardrobe perhaps, and then my hand got tangled in something… Something that moved. I gasped and choked, the kitten jumped away as I stumbled back and hit the wardrobe with my back, but the thing followed me, the threads of something stuck in my fingers. It hit me in the head and… Then I noticed that it was really thin and hard, and it didn’t move anymore. I lifted my other hand and grasped the body… It was a mop. A stupid, stupid mop upside down against the stupid wall.

But it had been enough. Enough for the three damn jokesters to come and taunt me. I immediately started trying to get rid of them, placing the (stupid!) mop where it was and forgetting about my exploration of the little room. I felt angry at the place, at the mop and the furniture and myself, so in my little fit of anger I forgot my uneasiness and turned on the light in my hand.

A quick swipe showed me that I had been pretty much right about it all, and it seemed to be a storage room of some sort. Knowing this helped a big deal to calm myself down, past the initial fear of finding bad things (and the startle of finding the kitty’s big eyes looking at me from one of the shelves), the torch now made things better.

Problem was, I still didn’t want to use it as a bathroom, it was tiny and… Well I didn’t want to pee on the wall of a room. It was nasty. But then the beam of light fell on something low in a corner, a trashcan. That’d do it. I checked around to be sure the kitten was still in his perch and went to my business.

I tried to do as quickly as possible, as much light as I had, it was still weird and creepy. The blinks were still around, and it wasn’t funny. Once I was all sorted out (still rubbing my hands on my legs, how I missed some soap and water), I reached for the flashlight and almost dropped it when a thump came from behind.

The shaky light of the torch showed me a very puffed kitty arching cutely at me, and then a shoelace swinging, something big attached to it balancing on the side of the shelf. I had to smile at that, trust the little kitten to find his very own new transport-

Another sound, shift and drag on the ground, and this time it was _not_ the kitty-

“Dongwoo, what the fuck?” hyung whispered loudly, looking pretty angry and dragging himself through the tiny hole “You gave me the fright of my-… Well, not life, not even day, I guess” he stood up, dusting his arms and legs “What the hell were you doing?”

“Bathroom” I mumbled, feeling my heart slowly fall back to normalcy “Oh, and Kitten found this” I showed him the shelves behind me “Kitty carrier!”

He hummed near me, then his hand came to my wrist, and the flashlight was taken. I couldn’t even protest before he blinded me with it.

“Well, mostly dust, thankfully”

“What?” I blinked repeatedly, keeping my eyes narrowed under the glaring light.

“On you, I mean” he started ruffling my hair, and a cloud of dust and dirt started falling. Then a hand took my face, tilting it one side and the other “Ugly bump here” he muttered, tracing a finger on my forehead.

I clicked my tongue “That was the stupid mop”

“What?”

“Over there” I pushed his hand softly to point at the attacker, which was now surrounded by others like it, along with buckets, dust pans, bottles and- “Oh, hyung! There was the door!”

\--

There were little sparks in the black nothing behind my eyelids, and my head was starting to hurt. I loosened the tight press of my eyelids, and my eyes almost blinked open. I pressed them closed again, before I remembered that I had my face hidden in hyung’s jacket anyway, I could probably open my eyes safely.

I did, slowly, and jumped a little when Sunggyu’s hand moved from the place in the back of my head where it was.

“It’s ok Woo, I think they’re gone”

“You think?”

“Yeah, it’s been dead quiet for a while now” I peeled myself from the latch I had on him, risking a glance around. Yes, there it was, a tiny blink near the gap in the wall. Damn thing just wouldn’t go away, keeping my eyes closed kept the rest at bay “There’s nothing in here Woo, don’t worry” hyung’s voice sounded a bit weird, tentative, almost shy. I looked up, his face painted in dark shades and grays “I mean,” he sniffled sharply “you know, if there’s anything you think you’re seeing… I’m just telling you, there’s no one beside us. And the kitten”

Not sure how to respond to that, I nodded and lay my head down on his shoulder, this time making sure I was not crushing him or hiding my face in his neck. It might not have been much, but that little confirmation felt so much relieving that I’d have thought. _You heard that? You’re not even here, alright?_ Even if I felt a bit stupid talking to nothing, no one would know beside me. And perhaps hyung, if he kept guessing what was going in my head.

One way or the other, I started relaxing the tiniest bit, even though the blinks still tried to creep up at me from the half-light, I did my best to ignore it, to focus on the realness of my hyung by my side, the bags near us, the kitty carrier at my feet, the little black ball curled inside. I smiled at that, he had finally settled in, after spending his energy chasing after the shoelace that replaced a missing bolt on a corner of the little door. Now he slept over a rag I had found for him. And he was thankfully silent, it had cost me a few new scratches to keep him away from his shoelace while we had to keep quiet.

But we seemed to be safe once more, whatever happened out there had calmed down. I had really thought they had found us, maybe it had been me with the torch, or the stupid mop hitting me, maybe even hyung’s yelp as I tried to wrap the cut on his shoulder, his curses as I covered the gash on his jaw. But it looked like it hadn’t been the case after all. Maybe a brawl between the outlaws or something like that. Whatever it had been, it sure made us panic like hell, thinking they had found us in this little closed space, where would have we run to? We hoped the little hole in the wall would save us, so we had crawled back in, kitty carrier and all.

Now that all had settled down again, I was starting to feel the sleep coming back, along with the brunt of the scratches and the ache of the bumps and the running, I really wanted to sleep.

I tried to shift a bit closer to hyung, he was warm and felt safe, even after all that had happened, even with us being where we were, holding onto him, having him hold me close made me feel as if we were anywhere else. I could almost forget about it all, forget about the blinks and the darkness and the cold and the bad people walking, maybe, just outside out building. I could smile at the kitten playing with a shoelace and worry about our lack of soap.

It didn’t seem to work that way for Sunggyu, though. Since our hurried return to the little cave, he never stopped feeling tense. I could hear from time to time sharp exhales; feel his muscles tensing up, his leg jumping, his whole body freezing at sounds or things I couldn’t perceive. I started fearing that the blinks and pulling and squeezing had jumped him too, but that couldn’t be, hyung wouldn’t let them trick him, would he?

No, it had to be something else, but then that would mean that there was something to be worried about. Otherwise, why would he fist his hand so tightly, why would he be so jumpy, why would he feel so nervous? Actually, after some long minutes of my own relaxing, after a while of paying attention to him, felling his movements and his stillness, I started suspecting that I was wrong. He wasn’t just nervous, was he? He felt different, he felt a little foreign in a way that made me want to cling harder to him, it made me fear a little of him. He felt _angry_ , angry in a weird way. Angry as in a barely contained manner, as if he were holding back from bolting out and jumping the first person he saw walking through. Tackling them to the ground, holding them by the neck and...

It made me hold onto him a bit tighter.

\--

It was quiet, very quiet. Not long ago it had been quiet also, but now it was dead. Was it night already? And how the fuck could I know? We were buried in a freaking wall, completely shut out from the world, tucked in a dark, humid little corner, counting our breaths, afraid of disturbing the absolute stillness engulfing us. We were cold, hungry, thirsty, hurting, and trapped. Trapped inside the tiny space, trapped in our constant fear. It was suffocating, infuriating.

Dongwoo had at least stopped shivering, had finally lifted his face from my neck. But his arms, hands and legs were clinging to me like a leech. It immediately made me feel bad for using that description, but honestly it irked me. Not the fact that he did, but the fact that he felt the need to hold with nails and teeth to me, as if he were to be snatched away.

I was sick of it, sick of running away from these motherfuckers, of being their little shooting duck, the hunted fox, I was not their freaking game. I was absolutely done with that. If I could I would walk up to each and every one of them and rip their throats open. But I couldn’t do that.

Not unless I could freeze time or become invisible, we would have to try to sneak out, to run away again. So I was waiting until the night. The problem was how to know if the time had come or not? Whether I wanted it or not (and whether Dongwoo would let go of me or not), I’d have to crawl back out, and find a way to the outside. The door Dongwoo had _found_ was clustered by an army of brooms, mops, rags, buckets and the likes, and then partially blocked by something from the other side. The missing corner was probably the way we had barged in, but we hadn’t looked much past that point. All I saw was a dark stairway I couldn’t remember descending.

Well, now was as good time as any, I needed to check if it was safe for us to leave yet or not. I started trying to detangle from Dongwoo, who refused for a bit, and felt around for the bag.

“Where are you going?” he asked, his hands still holding my sleeve as I moved.

“We need to get out of here at some point, Woo. Probably at night would be safer”

“Night? Are you sure?” I could tell he didn’t think so, or didn’t want to find out at least “Hyung, it’d be too dark, and… I can’t see when it’s dark, I don’t know what’s…”

“I know, I know, maybe not at night per se, just near the time. We need to be able to sneak out without them seeing us”

“Can’t we do that during the day?”

“I don’t know”

“We could try, you said they sound far away, right? Maybe they won’t be around-“

“Look, one way or another, I have to go see what time is it”

After that there was just a bit of reluctant mumbling as I decided what to take along. The whole bag was probably too much, but if we needed to go now, then I better had at least my stuff with me so we would as little time as possible.

With that, I crawled out to the little storage room, and then carefully climbed the gap in the blocked door. Dongwoo had followed me up until that point, where I had to almost push him back in “You stay with the kitten, alright? I’ll come back for you if we have to go”

“What if something happens?”

“Nothing will-… ok, look, you can stay around here and if you hear something bad going on…” I trailed off, not really knowing what to tell him. He was looking at me expectantly, but really, what should he do? Staying here was not the solution, he couldn’t burrow in that damn hole for the rest of his life, but going out on his own… Well, if something did happen to me, at least I’d know, and I could at least try to help him through “Just go” I said, to what he just waited, probably for some explanation of the sorts.

“Go? What do you mean?”

“I mean, you just pick your things, grab the kitty carrier and follow my steps to the outside, and then,” he had already started shaking his head slowly, but I tried to ignore it “just run in the opposite direction of the noise until it’s far enough-“

“No-“

“Yes, listen, Woo, once you’re away you can find your way-“

“No, hyung-”

“-You’ll find your way out of this goddamned city, alright?”

“No” he was vehemently shaking his head now “I’m not leaving without you”

“You’ll have to-“

“That’s bullshit!”

I had to tame the little choke at his response, “Woo, what else are you planning to do?”

“Go look for you”

“Are you nuts?”

“Yeah, a bit”

“W- The hell Dongwoo, don’t say crap like that. Listen, there probably won’t be anything to worry about. I just have to check if it’s night or not, try to figure out where the heck we are, and where the heck _they_ are, and we both going with all our stuff will only make things more difficult, alright?” he stared at me in silence, hands tights on the doorframe “Dongwoo, please?”

“Let me go with you… To the door at least”

“Alright, but you don’t leave this…” I waved my hand around, guessing what this was “house, I guess”

He didn’t look convinced at all, but I was not taking him out into the absolute unknown.

I waited for him to gather his bag and the kitten and then slowly started climbing the stairs. It was, after all, a house; we emerged into a small kitchen with a single, half planked window, and moved through to a little room with scarce furniture. A couch tumbled to the floor, a crooked coffee table, a broken chair or two. A lonely window, again planked from the inside. From there out to a narrow corridor, then at the very end, a door.

“We didn’t come through here” I said, not remembering any of those places “How the hell did we get in?”

“Don’t know” Dongwoo’s voice was so feeble I barely heard him.

“Was there any window in that storage room?”

“I… I don’t remember”

“Well… Whatever, here we are now. Let’s see what’s with the door” I checked the doorframe, found a bolt in place, a piece of wood nailed near the lock as an extra measure. I looked back along the corridor, at the other side were more stairs, a second floor. I could make out the shape of something blocking the way up, a desk or something alike “Seems that people locked themselves in, doesn’t it?”

I got no answer besides a little whimper.

We would have to pluck the plank out, or the ones in the window in the previous room, but our bare hands didn’t promise much success, not at least without a decent amount of pain. We would need some kind of tool to pluck the nails out, and that meant going on a wild chase thorough the house. The second floor wouldn’t be of much help, very likely blocked too and probably had more trouble than solutions, if I allowed myself a bit of extra pessimism and the foreboding shivers running up and down to have meaning. Damn all these creepy houses. No, going back to the little storage room and finding the way we had sneaked in seemed like the best option at that point. I sighed in frustration and pushed Dongwoo along the way we had come, our steps quieter than before.

Back down the narrow stairs, we climbed the door and I took the torch, pointing it up to the corners of the ceiling. If we had gotten in through a different way, the only option was a high window. And lo and behold, there it was, thin but stretching a bit on the sides, pieces of wood hanging from the nails. I didn’t know if we had broken those or if they were already like that, but I did wonder what had happened to the people in the house, if no one had heard our break in. In any case, this was our way out, but then Dongwoo would be staying just where we were.

He seemed to notice that, because the moment I shouldered the bag and took a step forward, his hands clasped my elbow “Don’t leave me here, hyung”

“What? I thought we had an agreement”

“That was before… There could be someone here”

“I don’t think so, we must have made quite a ruckus coming in, and no one came to look”

“That doesn’t mean there couldn’t be _something_ in here”

I stared at him, tried to make up my mind and tell him it was nonsense. It might have been a bit creepier than before, but really, what could there be in the house? It was probably empty, or, at worst, with a few bodies upstairs. But try as I might, I couldn’t shake off the feeling of resemblance the situation had. Being locked and hidden in a little place down a flight of stairs, waiting in the dark and praying not to be found. The sole memory had my skin breaking in goose bumps.

It was not a good idea, I knew it, it was not very reasonable, but I really didn’t want to leave Dongwoo on his own. And how ridiculous it was, honestly, that just a moment before I was determined not to let him out into the dangers of the streets, and now I didn’t want to think of leaving him alone inside. These were crazy times, no doubt about that.

“Let me go first” I grunted, finding footing on the racks and hoisting myself up carefully. I peeked as best as I could, but it was stupidly dark out there. No wonder we didn’t notice any light coming in. I slowly poked my hand out, and felt the ground. Nothing strange so far, so I ventured the bag, pushed as far as I could, and then hauled myself with some difficulty through the opening. I dragged myself out and tried to go for a crouch, but instead banged my head painfully with something really hard. The sound it made had me more upset that the pain itself, even though my eyes watered a bit.

“ _Hyung_?”Dongwoo whispered from the inside “ _What was that? Are you ok?_ ”

“Yeah, just hit my head…” I used my hand again to understand what the heck I had hit, but it was all tubes and boxes, metallic it seemed, but oily and dirty. It was cold and very solid, with some rather sharp edges and a considerable size. To a side I felt some gaps and holes, and then something protruding, not as cold and… _Oh, fuck me_. Yet another piece of remembrance from that awful night, only this time we had a freaking car hanging over our heads “Ah, shit”

“ _Hyung? W-what is it? What’s there?_ ”

“Nothing Woo… actually I think this is the reason we were so well hidden” it must have been, as I crawled a bit further I noticed the angle the carcass had, then the rough steps of a concrete stairway threw light on my questions. I didn’t dare use the flashlight, but a bit more probing proved me right. The car was propped up the sturdy outdoor stairs, opening up a bit of extra space underneath. That’s what I had probably seen and dived into in my frantic search for a place to hide. Only it happened to harbor yet another entry to a deeper lever of concealment. Talk about luck “Alright, Dongwoo,” I said, pulling one of the rags I had in the bag and trying to clean my hands from the grease of the car “I think we can-“

There was a loud, wet coughing echoing near, then the rasping and surging of a particularly disgusting spit. I waited, frozen in place, but faint footsteps were approaching. It was all too silent, I couldn’t risk sneaking inside again and alert this person of our position as there was no way to slide in without making any sound. But the more I waited, the closer they got. Dongwoo seemed to understand what was going on, as he kept silent inside.

I couldn’t do much besides waiting for them to walk away, hoping they’d go a different way, perhaps. So I counted my breathings again, only four when a beam of light surged not far away, going this side and the other. Of course they had light, it was almost pitch black already. And they were coming closer.

It would be fine, the car was still serving its purpose, I just inched back very slowly, making sure nothing of me or the bag peeked out, and started counting again, my heart rushing while the steps drew close, the light shooting in our direction and then another.

This time I reached ten when a half muffled meowing ripped the silence. It sounded incredibly loud in my head, and the following gasp and thud would have reached the next continent according to my ears. Maybe it wasn’t so loud, maybe I was oversensitive, but it had been enough for the beam of light to fall over our street again. And this time it stayed.

There was silence for a moment, and I was praying for the little thing to keep his tiny mouth shut when the footsteps resumed in our direction. Now I had my heartbeat echoing in my head and it was proving to be hard to keep my breathing quiet. We were done, if this fellow saw us, we were so done. There was no coming out of it, either they walked past, or… Or I’d have to do something about it.

I pulled the knife from my pocket and slowly unfolded it, hoping my memory was accurate and it would make no sound. I shifted my position to face towards the street, and dared a quick look. A pair of dirty shoes were really close now, if a bit slow. A grunt and they stopped, then wobbled to a side and started again.

“ _Hello_ ” a low, masculine voice called in something like a teasing tone “ _Who was that?_ ” I gritted my teeth, the tone alone sent shivers down my spine. Bunch of crazy bastards, all of them. I didn’t dare another look, he was too close now, but I did hear the movement, shifting of clothes perhaps, and a little sound of triumph “ _Well?_ ” a few ticking sounds “ _Where are you?_ ” the annoying sound of metal against metal “ _You the little runaway shits, are you?_ ”

He seemed to have walk past the car, I didn’t know where, how or why, but knew it was the moment to stay still and hope for him not to notice the huge ass car against the wall. But would he, really? It suddenly felt like a beacon instead of a hideout, if you were looking for someone hiding, wouldn’t you look under the propped car? _Yes, you totally would,_ I thought. It was a matter of time.

I approached the edge of the vehicle, careful not to make a noise, looked out and saw the man, back towards me, slowly approaching a street dumpster. I doubted for a second, I could hide back and wait, just hope that he’d go away and nothing would happen. But I could also take my chance and get rid of him. What if I made too much noise? What if I couldn’t take him? And what if he came looking under the damn car after all and found me curled in the corner like a rabbit? And right after me, the window…

I slowly slipped out, knife in my right, greasy rag in my left. I tried rolling my injured shoulder, it hurt quite a bit, but I just had to hold his mouth. I didn’t have the same adrenaline rush I had back when tackling the other outlaw, but I hoped it would do.

My steps didn’t seem to make much of a distance, and I felt he was going to turn around any time, I couldn’t move fast enough. But silence was a priority, I couldn’t have him noticing me beforehand. I took a big stride as he opened the lid of the dumpster, then another as he leaned in. He found nothing, took a step back, looked to a side and I froze in place, hand shaking around the tight grip on the knife, heart hammering in my ribcage. I was few steps away, I could see the knife in his hand, dark stained. I could smell the alcohol in him.

He let the lid drop, and I jumped forward along with the noise.

\--

The sounds were weird, I couldn’t understand what was going on. I had hugged the kitty carrier against my stomach to muffle any other sound that the kitten could make, and I couldn’t see outside more than a bit of dark something when the light shone our way. For a moment I had caught a flash of hyung’s arm, shoulder, then he was gone. I could hear the man’s voice, he knew about us, he was looking for us, but didn’t seem to come our way just yet. I didn’t know if he would. Hyung was out there, though, hidden probably, but where? He was so quiet, that was good, right? The silence was good. It meant he was still hidden, the man hadn’t seen him yet. But for how much longer? What would happen if we got caught? Hyung had told me to run, but I really, _really_ couldn’t do that. What could I do instead? If the man found him, would I be able to come out in time to help him? Help him how? _Anything! Anything would be better than just leave him alone!_ I knew that, but still, I had to get out through that little window, how long would that take me? I should probably try to go now, shouldn’t I? But I would make a lot of noise, and that would surely bring the man to us. 

In the middle of that debate was that I heard the strange noises. I couldn’t have missed them, I had half my attention inside my head, the other half in my ears, as I had shut my eyes again, afraid of the blinks. I didn’t understand at first, there had been a loud clang, and then another, lower. After that the sounds were different, grunts and dragging and… A struggle.

“Hyung-“ I let out before I could help it, but if it was what it sounded like, then it was him and the man “No, hyung” I didn’t know how loud I was talking, but my eyes finally flew open…

And then there were the blinks, so real than I found it hard to breathe for a moment. It was a shape, a tall shape behind the hole in the door. The stairs, the stairs that led into the house. There was something in the house- _It’s nothing, it’s nothing, it’s nothing_ \- But the shape moved. I tried peeling my eyes away, but I still saw a flicker… Climbing the door? It was coming inside? My heart was beating so loudly in my head, it muffled everything else. I started feeling the tiny pulls, feathery touches on my arms, my neck. It couldn’t be the shape, right? No, it was nothing, it couldn’t be, _it’s all in my head, it’s all in my mind_ \- My chest was aching already, it was hard to breathe, I was feeling hot and cold, my face was wet and my ears were filled with my heartbeat, my breathing, and a buzzing sound. I had closed my eyes again, I had to open them, I had to see- _there’s nothing in here, I’m alone, there’s nothing in here_ \- I had to see _nothing_ , I had to see-

There was someone by my side, I could feel their presence, I could see them, right beside me, their breath on my neck- _It’snothingnothingnothing-_ Something touched the back of my neck, I jumped away, hit my head, my foot slipped from the rack, the kitten screamed- The kitten, I had to get the kitten out, I had to get out. The kitten and the bag, I had both-

“ _… Stay…-ere_ ” a voice, distant, strange, rough. It made me shiver and press my palms against my ears. I had to leave…

The window was up, so far up, I couldn’t stretch my legs, but then _it_ touched my ankles and I shot up. My arms were shaking so bad I couldn’t push the carrier through the window, I tried and tried and finally pushed it out. I tried to go, but the bag got caught and I slipped back to the rack. I saw it-them, climbing after me-

The window was so far up again, I was slipping again, I _had_ to get out. I climbed up, but I got caught with something- something on my back. I struggled and pulled, something ripped, I kicked something inside. It fell back, but it pulled me along- The bag, I had the bag- The kitten! Where was the kitten?!- The window was so far up! I scrambled up to the window- There was someone in the room, it was climbing after me- The bag! I had the bag, it wouldn’t let me out, I had to push it out, it tangled in my arms- The kitten cried somewhere near me- Outside! He was outside, in the carrier, next to the bag- I had to reach them, could let it touch them-

I was out, somehow I was. I was finally out. I didn’t want to look back, I didn’t want to see. I took the bag and the carrier, I hit my head with something, fell to my knees and crawled to a gap.

I was out… I was out… I looked at the street, it was dark, but there walls on both sides, tall walls, a corridor, an alley?… My heartbeat was still in my head, I blinked the tears away and breathed deeply. My vision cleared a bit. My head a bit more.

I was out, and it was cold, it was very quiet, my heart and my breathing were leaving my head. The kitten made a little noise. I didn’t want to look around, but I had to be sure… It had been in my head, I had to see.

I did turn around, quickly, then slower. Vague, gray shapes in the half-light. All immobile, still, lifeless.

I was alone, I was out and alone. I let out a long breath of relief, my shaking limbs were like jelly. But it was ok, it had been all fake, there was nothing, it was all in my head, right? And now I was out, and I was ok… And I was cold… And I was alone. Why was I alone?

I looked to a side, then the other. It was quiet… “Hyung?” my voice got caught in my throat “Sung-… Hyung?”

Silence, under the buzzing in my ears.

I waited, don’t know for how long, I just waited. I was frozen in place, sounds stirred and died over and over and I didn’t know if they were real or it was my head all over again. The kitten quipped softly, my heart and breathing made a low rush of noise. I tried to stay very still, afraid that any movement would bring back the blinks, or something worse. I was somehow convinced that if I didn’t move, if I pretended to be part of the trashed alley, no one would notice me, and I’d be safe. But then I didn’t know where hyung was, and I couldn’t stay alone. I had to go find him, but where? Where had he gone? Or maybe he had been taken away? The mere thought made my heartbeat kick faster, my legs shake. An ugly pressure crunched my chest, then my stomach. What if the man had taken my hyung? What if they wanted to hurt him? What if he was in pain? Or worse…? And how would I save him? _Where_ was he? I was still frozen, hiding, when my hyung could be hurting somewhere!

I had to do something, but I couldn’t think where to start. I needed to think clearly, to calm down, and remember, through the haze of the blinks and that creepy little room, what had happened… I didn’t know where to go, hyung was not there but where-? The struggle, I remembered the struggle. What had happened? Had that been the man? It had sounded like metal clashing… I strained my eyes, forcing myself to distinguish the shapes in the darkness. There was a dumpster, and a car… That’s where we had been hiding, under a car- No, two cars, a car-crash that had climbed up a set of stairs against the alley’s wall. Then the dumpster on the other side… There was something on the floor, I made my way slowly, quietly, and stopped few feet away. I bent down, inched closer. Was that a knife on the ground? Was it hyung’s? There was a dark stain next to it. I couldn’t be hyung’s, right? It couldn’t be-

A sudden noise made me jump in fright. A shout? Something crashed, then an explosion- no, I knew that sound, it was a shot, a gunshot.

\--

Crazy days were something rather vague nowadays. You could call crazy to jump a group of stupid travelers, a lighting storm that set fire to a building or two, trying to ambush a truck packed of shit you couldn’t get your hands on, having a nutcase roaming your city under your nose and not being able to find him, accidentally killing one of your mates in a drunken squabble, or even having a quiet day, those could be all a bit crazy. But this particular day had been… weird.

He now sat in his room, the void window letting him peak out to the dark, dirty walls and dark sky. Shapes started forming, maybe moving. That could be him, though. Probably.

He scrapped a chuckle, coughed a little and took another swig of his bottle. Awfully warm, bitter, corrosive and mixed, but these days it was the good stuff.

“You still thinkin’ ‘bout those hap’nin’ today?” the croaky voice of the woman sitting against the wall pulled him slowly back to the conversation they were, probably, having.

“What?”

“Y’kno those little rats will show up dead sooner or later”

“Yeah, not like I give a fuck”

“Rite”

“Shut the fuck up”

“Whas’sit? You worry they come kill ya? You think they some Rambo shits?”

He rolled his eyes at the eloquent speech, and sighed lowly “They’re prolly huddled up in some little hole praying for their little miserable lives” his lip curled in half anger and half disgust.

“Yeah, that they sure be” she cackled gracelessly “pissing their pants, they’ll see when we find them” a pause and a loud sloshing sound “Pull their intestines out, they’ll see”

“Charming”

“You want’em ‘ere? I’ll dig’em out for ya. Bring them ‘ere and tie them to some nice chairs”

“Or just put a hole in their heads? How ‘bout that?”

“Oh really?” her voice went up a notch “just a hole and be done? Oh, no think so. Little shits did two of us, did they? You just gonna shot’em good?”

“That was blind luck”

“What… ever”

“It’s just a couple of brats running lost, that’s all. Don’t deserve even a fucking bullet, a knife to the guts maybe, ‘s all”

“Yeah, _brats_ got under your nose, shot dead two of us guys and then ran to the hills… Or no, actually they still here… _Still_ under you stupid nose-“

“I said shut your trap!”

“You stupid asshole good for nothing” she mumbled “Got no balls to skin them as you should”

“You’re just too drunk, I’m not going to do such a mess just because you shagged one of those fucking morons. They got done by a pair of kids, it’s their stupid fault”

“Oh you don’t get to-“

“I get to what the fuck ever!” he stood up and loomed over her “Now get the hell off my sight, go find another fuck to entertain you, and this time try to pick a smarter one if you don’t want them killed by street rats”

She scrambled up, bottle dancing in one hand, and probably would have tried to swing a good punch or something weren’t she so pathetically wasted. Instead, she fell back down and threw her bottle at him with very poor aim.

He sighed in resignation. Bunch of bastards he had there. They had a pair of ghost-rats running free in their town and what did they do? They got drunk and rowdy with each other, because why not? Fucking idiots, they couldn’t manage to catch a pair of infants and they got angry-drunk over it. But what was he to do about it? He himself felt like indulging in a bottle or two, drop unconscious for the night and forget about their stupidity. It was only the strange sense of wrongness that wouldn’t let him partake in their angry pity-party. Something nagging at him wouldn’t let him shut one eye yet. Probably him feeling like a huge jackass, almost imagining a pair of stupid kids laughing at him from some little nook right around the corner. Really, having those little pricks driving them back to their very fucking home and disappear under their noses. Were they being played with or was it really a lucky star on the brats’ asses? Whatever the case, it frustrated him. He’d find them the next day, he himself would start digging holes until he found them, then he’d see what to do with the pair. They seemed to be armed, but two sad little sods were nothing to them. Their luck would end tomorrow.

He gulped another big swig as he dropped back to the chair, and looked to the side. That stupid fox had fallen asleep already. She was all talk and little action in the end, he was sure that when they riled in the little lambs to the slaughter the next days she would be watching from the back. She’d probably pull the trigger if he offered her, but pulling intestines? That wasn’t her way, it was more the fun of that stupid asshole that got himself killed by a brat. Bunch of dickheads-

A crash had him jerking in startle, then he continued mumbling curses under his breath. Bunch of dickheads indeed, couldn’t even stop making a mess-

“ _You’lil shit!_ ” the drunken voice of one of the guys in the floor below carried a bit too much anger to be a drunken banter with another occupant.

He was starting having some doubts, wondering if he should go check on the guys or not, when a gunshot broke the silence of the night. That was _not_ alright. He jumped from his chair and started making his way to the door, when a muffled rush of something accompanied the shot. Then voices, sleepy, lazy, confused, growing in volume and agitation. He pulled the door open, stepped out into the corridor and tried to hear. The voices were still confused, and not many. The idiots were mostly still sleeping, surely, not even aware of what was going on.

He started towards the stairs, and then the smell hit him. Smoke, there was smoke climbing up the walls, rolling on the ceiling, a bright glow pulsed from the floor below.

Another crash, more voices waking up in confusion, another gunshot. He took a few steps down, then the heat escalated alarmingly, the smoke choked him and blinded him. He scrambled back, hurrying towards the back exit that descended from the balcony in his room.

The woman was still sleeping, completely unaware of the chaos that was quickly taking over the house. He wondered how many of them were still sleeping, too wasted-drunk to even rise from their unconsciousness to save their hides. He considered waking the woman up, then opted for delivering a swift kick to her rear along with a loud “Wake the fuck up!” before rushing to the balcony.

Ignoring the unintelligible insults coming from her, he started climbing the ladder with unsteady legs, the haze of the alcohol still edging away from him. He could see the tendrils of smoke slithering from the planked windows, the persistent glow ablaze, heat pulsing like a living creature.

Another shot, and a rush that bordered an explosion had him jumping down the last rungs, staggering to the side and hitting the floor in a graceless heap. As he stood up, battling against the smoke and phlegm that tangled in his throat, he heard few voices now screaming, the sound of crashing and breaking clamoring from inside. Suddenly, a shape emerged from the corner, a man stumbling forward, panting and coughing. He looked up at him, it was one of them, face blackened in soot.

“What the hell is all this? What did you do?!” he barked, unable to understand what in hell had these motherfuckers done.

“Not us!” the man yelled “The fucking kid! That fucking kid is mad!” the man approached unsteadily “he was here… I saw him coming this way!” once he was close enough, he noticed the crazed look in his eyes, the red, teary, haggard gaze darting from side to side, set ablaze by the orange seeping through the windows.

“What kid? The-“

“The fucking punk! That godamned sewer rat, I swear I’ma rip every little fingernail out of his skinny fingers!” he roared, storming back to where he came from “Where are you, fucking shit?! Come out and face me now, you fucking coward!”

The man reached the corner, and he was so confused still, just barely grasping the fact that they had been set on fire, that someone had sneaked up on them and done this… How in hell had this happened? And where was everyone? The screaming inside… Had they really been caught that much by surprise? Why was he not seeing the crowd of them pooling out and seething in bloody rage? The heat was sticking to his sweaty, dirty skin, he was choking. He saw the other man, looked around, and snapped back to the dire reality.

“Hey!-“

But the man had seen something, his face twisting even more “There you are!” he bellowed, taking a menacing step, then stopping, face crumpling in confusion and fright “Wh-What… What the fuck are you-?”

He could only watch in astonishment as the man stumbled back, one, two steps before turning and trying to run away. But a blazing light came flying, a harsh yell, the light hit the man’s back, a crash of glass, a rush of sound, and flames leaked angrily around, catching viciously at clothes. The roaring fire that was now the man rolled on the ground, screaming and trashing.

He was dumbfounded, eyes tearing up and throat closing, watching as the man crawled and writhed. He felt disconnected as a second shape jumped from the corner, it stopped, looked at him for a second, and then dashed back behind the smoky wall. Driven half by shock and anger, he darted right after the figure, rushing past the extinguishing flame of a man on the ground and turning the corner. It took him about five seconds to run the distance, five long, confusing seconds that saw him rise from shock and bewilderment to pure, seething rage.

And now there he was, the dark figure that had done this, the person that had somehow managed to ignite them all, to throw this slowly growing hell on their drunken, idiotized heads. It was one of them, he knew, one of those little shits. Those little scrawny rats sneaking around their city had done this, and the fact that he hadn’t been able to foresee it, hadn’t been able to stop it, hadn’t been bothered to try harder and find them and break their fucking little legs!... It made him even madder.

But there he was, that son of a bitch, standing haughty and arrogant, as if he were very proud of what he had done, pulsing along the glow of the hell he had started, as if he expected to get out of there in a single piece. But he wouldn’t let that happen, not this time. He was not respected among this crowd of bloodthirsty lunatics for his pretty looks, he could show a man thrice the size and value of this sod what it was to have their teeth handed to them in a bloody napkin. His arms pulsed in anticipation and he pounced forward.

As it was expected, the little coward shot away, but, again, you didn’t survive a place like this nest without knowing how to run to save your hide and take another’s. And even in the thickening smoke, he easily caught up to the brat, taking a fistful of the hood over his head and fishing the knife from his belt. What he didn’t expect was for the little crap to twist and turn in his grasp and slice his arm with a blade of his own. The sheer surprise had him letting go of the grasp he had, and then having to run after him again, angrier and dead on stabbing first and asking latter. 

“Come back ‘ere you fuckin’ lil’ coward!” he shouted over the growling of the fire and the yelling of the rest of them “Let me show ya-!” he stumbled as a window barely ahead lost its planks and let a violent, thick tongue of fire crawl out. He hurried, seeing as the little sod had stopped before the flames. Now he had him.

But the brat instead dove forward, crouching and then holding his hand up towards the flame. Hell knew why the stupid shit was calling on death like that, but fuck if he cared… Until he saw  _something_ in the bastard’s hand catch the fire, and then the brat taking a few steps away, turning to him, and at this point his feet stopped completely. He took a few steps back, the air and smoke crashing through his throat and his eyes smarting badly. He saw the unbelievable shit throw his arm back, flame in hand, aiming…

He ran, heart hammering twice as before, catching sight of the dark lump that was the last man caught in the way of one of those hellish bottles-

“ _I’ll_ burn your fucking rat nest!” he heard behind him, then something hit him in the back, crashed, glass hit his head, and a mind-bogging heat took over.

\--

There was another gunshot as I was about to reach the corner, it made me stop with a start. I didn’t want to go on, I was terrified of what I could find. I was close, I knew that much, the noise was very close now. I could see the glow of lights just around the corner, could hear the voices alarmed, angry, desperate. The glow was growing, bright and warm.

Another crashing sound, a rush of something, another gunshot, new yells broke out, my stomach was starting to feel queasy. I could feel a warm current of air, tainted with thick smoke that itched in my throat. The shouts and voices grew to a point that made me sick. I didn’t want to walk closer.

A figure came running around the corner, and panic flooded me. It was one of them, a hood up and the face covered. They stopped for a second, turned to look back to the glowing street, the warmth and the smoke, the yelling and crashing. Then resumed their quick way in my direction. I had to run away, hide, do something. But they halted, looking at me in hesitation, confusion? Then rushed towards me again. And then I was not in danger anymore, not with that walk, that shape. I was still a bit scared, and several degrees of confused, but-

“What are you doing here? I told you to stay in… Well, never mind now” the light painted him as he took the hood off, pulled down the scarf on his face. A misplaced smile was twisting my hyung’s face in the sharp shadows and orange lights “Turns out we were wrong, it’s not dusk, it’s dawn” he adjusted the strangely empty looking rucksack on his shoulder “Come on Woo, lead the way. We’re getting the hell out of here”

 

 

 


	24. The warmth of a barren heart

The glow of the day was at what probably would be its peak by the time we saw signals of a city approaching. Again we walked by increasing numbers of houses and low buildings, the spaces of dried or dead grass growing smaller, mud and dust wining out. Concrete started patching the ground little by little, low, isolated houses started packing closer, growing higher, loosing shape to become the straight lines of modern buildings. Still scarce, still void, still broken, but we were getting closer. I could feel it, could not believe it, but I could see it.

I threw a quick glance towards hyung, few meters to my right, but quickly dropped my gaze back to my feet. I swallowed forcefully, my dry throat itching, and shifted my hold on the kitty carrier, where my little friend seemed to be asleep.

Silence. That was all that we had for a long while. Our footsteps, the scary rustle and howl of the wind through the shapes of the dead town, remains crumbling, that was all the sound that followed our walk. I didn’t like it, but I couldn’t breach the gap that had opened between us. There was just a space of dirt and road between our walking feet, but a thick wall of… something, between us. I couldn’t force myself to speak, he didn’t seem to want to talk at all either, and I didn’t want to make him mad.

My chest hurt a little, my stomach tightened slightly, and so did my throat. This was so wrong, this was awful, it shouldn’t be like this. I wanted to go back, I wanted all of this to go away, I wanted to look at him, to smile at him, talk to him, hug him, cling to him.

But, the horrible truth was, I was scared of him.

\--

A tiny noise ripped me away from my thoughts, and I blinked heavily, looking slightly around. There was nothing new, nothing worth my attention it seemed. I returned my sight to the front, our way stretched for a long while still, but this had to be it. This was going to be it, we were so close now, I would not let a single thing step in our way. It was walk, and walk, and walk until we made it. And then nothing would matter anymore. I would have him there, I would make it no matter what. I wouldn’t… I just couldn’t think of anything else but that. I would bring him to the capital, whatever it took. It’s like something had switched off in me, and at the same time, something had switched on. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it felt… heavy, thick, dense. It was pulling at my limbs as we walked, pushing at my back, it was numbing me in strange ways, sharpening me in others. I could hear my breathing, deafening in my head, I could feel my heart kicking, I could see countless shapes all around us, and I just walked. 

The little noise came again, and my breath shook a little bit inside me. I swallowed loudly, sighed, more noise inside my head. But I could still hear that damn sound.

I didn’t want to look, preferred to stay numb and walking, I wanted to make it to the goddamned capital once and for all and let all of this shit behind. But I couldn’t ignore it, I tried but I just couldn’t keep going as if nothing when I could hear so clearly the tiny, badly contained sobs.

I sighed again and turned slightly towards Dongwoo. I didn’t want to ask, I was terrified of what he could answer, I was terrified of him not answering me at all. But I had to, if I let the silence go on I would only be making things worse, right? Could things get any worse? That was a stupid question, actually. Things could always get worse. There was no limit as to how much, so I could only try to reverse the damage that had been done. I had to try…

And yet I couldn’t bring myself to speak. It was physically painful to try, my throat was hurting, my head too, my chest was filling up so much that it was starting to feel tight. I was trying to force words out, didn’t even know which words, but just anything that would come out. And I couldn’t. It felt awful, it was much better to just keep walking, stay numb, just hurry up and end this as soon as possible. But we still had a long walk ahead, and we wouldn’t make it before the ram broke. I had been foolish to hope for such thing. But what could I do now? What in hell could I possibly do to fix this? I had thought that this would do, herd the flock in silence, a dog and a sheep would not talk, the sheep would hurry up in fear that the dog could bite… And wasn’t that just plain awful? The comparison was dreadful to even think about. What was I even doing? Trying to push him forward by force of intimidation? No, not really. I wasn’t trying to scare him, but I knew that I had already done so, and maybe that would make him want to hurry up as well.  Maybe that would make him want to-

I had stopped, I was standing still now, unable to will my legs to step forward. My eyes straight ahead, fixed on nothing at all. I could see that he had stopped also, some steps ahead, back towards me. He was also frozen in place, not even turning his head back. 

Would he leave me? I wondered, taking in a long, deep breath to fight of the tightening fear festering inside me. Would this be enough for him to prefer running away? Would I be so…? Was I already so…? How could I have fallen so low, how could I let myself become so rotten? Would he run away from me? Was I a threat for him now? The things I had done, all of them, since the very beginning, how much blood did I have under my fingernails? How many times had I thought of plunging sharp blades into living flesh? How much had I wished for those flames to swallow it all? How much had that satisfied me?

How different was I from them? How could I-? How had I let this happen? I had let myself become one of them, I had let it all fester and rot inside of me and now I was as much a monster as any of those pieces of scum. But I knew that already, didn’t I? I had known for a while now, I had been feeling it, and I let it eat me away. I had nursed that anger, all that hatred eroding me from the inside. I let it all happen, because it felt right. I had the right to hate them, to despise them, to want to hurt them and rip them apart. I wanted to let it all grow and make me do what I thought I couldn’t. To force me to do what I wasn’t capable of… But I was. I was very capable of butchering someone, in or out of a fight, I was capable of setting them on fire, of watching the flames go up without a moment of hindrance. I was very capable of murder, was I not? And I was alright, I was ok with that. I needed to be ok with that. Just like before, it was the same, stab a man, or set a few on fire. Shot them through the head, or slice their throats. Just end them, that was all I wanted. Make them gone, disappear, terminated. All of them, each and every one. I would not kid myself anymore, I had gone thought this before, hadn’t I? I had had the same argument inside and out, I had told myself that I’d do what I had to, I had been told that there was no point in trying to regret this, not when I would do it again, and again, and again if I had to. I was already far too gone for regretting anything anyway, as much as I wanted to stop and feel terrible, even if I did feel awful for what I had done, there was no gain in doing it. I couldn’t. I needed to be what I was right now, this despicable murderer, this empty thing that walked numbly ahead. This way, I could deliver my precious cargo to the capital city and get rid of any obstacle in the way without hesitation. I couldn’t afford any more delays, I couldn’t afford any more risks. Dongwoo had enough humanity for both of us, I could just be… this.

And if it made him hate me, well then so be it. As long as he didn’t run away from me, as long as this thing festering inside was able to serve its purpose, it would be fine.

My feet were walking again before I realized, and Dongwoo’s followed along, just slightly behind.

\--

It was really, really cold outside. The temperature had dropped suddenly in the last… hour? I wasn’t sure how long it had been, but it was as if the door of a refrigerator had been open wide right behind us. A frigid wind had picked up and slight drizzle had started sliding all around. We had kept on walking for a while, but I couldn’t help the trembling and the slipping, and when I finally fell down face first against hyung’s back, he muttered something and made his way through the void window of an abandoned shop. I simply followed, as I had been doing so far. Just shadowed his steps blindly, up to the far back, a moment, then through a door, another moment, and finally he pushed me softly towards a clear looking corner. I let him accommodate me and the kitty carrier and then pull a blanket over us. 

“We can’t progress much in this weather anyway” he said in a monotone before sitting down himself at a considerable distance from me.

I was uneasy, I could admit that he could stir some fear in me, but he was still my Gyu hyung, and I couldn’t help feeling bad when he did that. He kept quiet now, he walked a few feet ahead or to my sides, he avoided looking at me in the eyes, answered with monosyllables to my half-hearted questions and kept his distance at all moments. I didn’t like it, it was awful, and I suspected he was doing it because he thought this was what I wanted. I couldn’t help thinking it was my fault that it all felt colder now, I felt lonely and sad and it wasn’t right, not with him at an arm’s reach.

It was my fault, wasn’t it? Right after we started our way out of that place he had been… Weird, as if he was disoriented or trying to make sense of something that really didn’t. I remained out of his way, out of his sight, having a hard time myself to understand and accept what just seemed to have happened. Then he just clicked back to himself, as if nothing was wrong, as if the glowing orange hadn’t been pulsing behind us, as if the sounds of the chaos weren’t fading ever so slowly, as if we couldn’t smell the smoke. He just fell back to normality, but I didn’t, and it was then that he started backing off. He had taken a long, hard look at me, who was avoiding as much contact with him as possible, and muttered a simple, ‘sorry’. After that, it was walking with a ghost. A ghost that could, and would, put a bullet in a man’s head, plunge a knife into someone’s body, set a building on fire... And give me with this look, this one look that wouldn’t let me run away from him, wouldn’t let me feel aversion towards him. It was the simple look of him being… Still him. It was strange, confusing and frustrating, because I felt like I should hate this person, these acts, and I did hate the acts, but I could not hate the person.   

So there I was, scared of this man and feeling bad about it. Because I knew it made him miserable, and yet I couldn’t get the sounds and images and smells out of my head. If I really couldn’t stand to stay in his company, then I should be able to go on by myself. But I clearly couldn’t. And I didn’t want to. Then I had to accept this, all this, this hyung, this situation. Yes, this hyung. He was here with me, after all this time, after all that had happened, he was real and solid and warm and… And he was safe. I knew that, I knew deep down that he was this danger to others because he was being safe for me… Right? He faced danger with danger? Was that alright then? Was that more acceptable? I didn’t know, I didn’t want to think about it anymore, it was making me nervous and dizzy and heavy inside. I wanted to go and press myself to his side, hug him and the kitten and be alright. And hear him say that it would be all ok soon, that he would take us to the capital and we’d be fine.

Was it ok for me to want that? To let it all go? To let him do all these things for me? For us? Had he done things like these before-?

I really wanted to stop thinking, I was getting a headache. I pressed my eyes tightly and sighed. This had to stop, one way or another, I had to stop this. I took a glance towards him, griped the kitty carrier, and started dragging slowly over the floor. He looked at me with a weird face for a moment, and then scrunched his brow as I pushed against his side. 

“I’m sorry” I mumbled, accommodating the kitten over my lap, from where he poked his little paws through the thin bars of the carrier’s door to play with my fingers.

In only seconds, I started feeling the warmth seeping in. Yes, he was still my hyung, warm and solid. I slowly leaned to the side, placing my head tentatively to his shoulder, but he tensed up suddenly and jerked a little. I tried not to do the same, just followed him when he inched away.

“What are you doing?” he asked in that half dead voice of his.

“I’m cold” I said, not really thinking before speaking.

“We have another blanket-“

“Don’t want it”

He hesitated for a bit, I could feel him still tense, and then I felt as if the heavy blanket of doubts had been lifted from me. I just didn’t care about them for the moment, I knew clearly what I wanted, and what I wanted was still tense and trying to slide away from me. I put the kitten to my side and threw my arm around hyung’s torso.

“Dongwoo, what-?”

“Can’t you let me do this?”

“What is this?”

“This” I gripped harder “Is it so difficult hyung? I just want to hug you”

It was simple now, but maybe not for him yet. It had been messy, it was still messy, but just not as dark now. No, it was still dark and messy, but perhaps… lighter. That was it, it wasn’t as suffocating, the only oppressive thing was our stupid distance. I’m not sure how our heads work, maybe it was the dire situation, maybe something was malfunctioning in my head, maybe I had always been this glitchy, but I suddenly didn’t want to feel so estranged from him, I didn’t want to go through the trouble of dealing with all of the new goods and bads. I just wanted to hold onto my hyung and feel ok with it, I wanted to relax and finally feel safe and not alone, not fearing the blinks or the pulls or the squeezes, knowing he scared them all away. And if that didn’t make sense, then I didn’t want to make any sense, I was going to have to be okay being confusing and confused.

Hyung was still tense, his breathing was a bit weird, I didn’t know if he was mad or maybe I was hugging to tight. 

“Are you ok, hyung?”

He didn’t answer, maybe a little scoffing sound only, but I wasn’t sure why that was. I decided not to dwell on it too much, maybe it was best to keep things simple and silent…

But I really couldn’t. 

“I’m sorry” I ended up saying, more or less without thinking, because when he grunted a confused ‘why?’, I had to take a moment to think the answer. In the end, the response came out once again without much thought “For making you feel bad? I was upset… I am a bit… But I don’t want to go on alone, so…” I shrugged, not knowing what I was trying to say precisely, it was just easy to speak and not think, but it was also frustrating and dangerous “I just want to stay with you, close to you, like this” I squeezed him in my arms “Not in that weird distance… I don’t like that, it feels wrong, and it feels cold, you feel… almost gone…” I rubbed my face against his jacket “I don’t want you gone, hyung. I know I made you feel bad, but I won’t-”

“Dongwoo” he interrupted me, a voice so low I heard him more in the rumbling in his chest.

“I mean it, hyung, I’m sorry-“

“Shut up”

I choked up a little, I had to stop, I had to think, this was not right. My head was starting to fog in that way that the blinks liked, I had to control it. But hyung… Something was not right… Was he angry? Was he going to keep that awful distance? Was he going to leave me? I felt my chest tighten, my legs shaking, my muscles cramped up and my arms pressed desperately around his ribs. I felt him move, struggling against me, trying to push me away, trying to go away. Was this happening for real? Was he really trying to leave? I couldn’t let him go, I felt my stomach drop inside me by the mere idea of him getting up right then, and walking off. He wouldn’t, would he? Had the hug been a bad idea? Maybe he didn’t even want to stay with me, maybe he had gotten tired of me dragging him down, maybe he didn’t want to deal with my pullings and squeezings and blinks, maybe he had realized that I was not right in the head anymore? He was going to leave me after all. I was a burden, wasn’t I? He had changed, he was different now, he was capable of doing terrible things, but he was able to take care of himself, he could defend himself… And I was useless, I was scared all the time, and I cried a lot, and I couldn’t hold a knife properly… I couldn’t fire a gun or start a fire, I was useless to him. But I didn’t want to kill anyone, I didn’t want to fight with anyone, I didn’t want to get hurt. I hadn’t been able to change, I was still unable to do those things, I had failed, was I meant to be left behind? Was this a test now? Had that city been a test? Had I failed? And now he was abandoning me, I was useless, a burden, that was all-

“-woo! Dongwoo!” his voice broke in, loud against my ears “Calm down!” he stressed, and the words mingled with sobs… Was he…? No, it was me, I was crying again. This was getting worse, he would get angrier- “Dongwoo, look up, look at me” hands were harshly pulling at my face “Dongwoo-“

“I’m sorry, I can’t kill people hyung! I don’t want to-“

“What?”

“-Please don’t leave me, I can- I can try!”

“Dongwoo, stop!” I was met with his face, his eyes big and his eyebrows furrowed, his jaw tense “Shut up!” his hands were hard around my face, pressing roughly. He looked angry, he felt angry, and it was my fault again. I had to stop worsening things, I had to at least try… To calm down, yes. That’s what he was saying, right? 

Shut up, Dongwoo, shut up, shut up, shut up. I could hear his voice going in my head, I kept it in repeat until it sounded louder than my sobbing. It hurt a bit, but it worked, and when I found myself blinking my eyes open, I saw that hyung wasn’t scolding me anymore. That was good, right? His hands were still holding my face, and his eyebrows were still scrunched, but all in all, he looked less… angry.

I stayed still, not wanting to mess up, and I felt as his hands softened around me, his eyes started going all over my face, his brow moved. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I decided I didn’t care when he closed his eyes in a sigh, and his hold morphed, pulling me in his arms and hugging me tightly. I must have done something right.

“What the heck Dongwoo?” I felt his voice vibrating in his throat, against my face, his breath against my hair “What the hell was all that?”

“I-…” I choked up a little, cleared my throat and tried again “I just… I can do better”

“Better at what?”

“I… I don’t know? Whatever you need, hyung, I just don’t want to… I can’t-”

“No, I heard you before, don’t even say that”

“W-what?”

“I don’t know what in fucking hell you were thinking about, or how the hell you came to that conclusion, but listen to me now Dongwoo” he pulled again, holding my face and pressing his forehead to mine “Listen now” I nodded a little “I am not, listen well, I am not leaving you”

“N-not…?”

“Not leaving you” a thumb wiped the skin under my eye “I don’t know how you got there, but that’s utter bullshit, I don’t care if I have to drag you all the way to Seoul, I will if I have to. And I don’t even want to think about you holding a lighter near a ball of yard, or walking with a blunted fork, you hear me? I don’t want you holding a knife, and no way in fucking hell a goddamned gun, alright?”

I blinked, slowly coming to see a bit of reason in that “B-but-“

“I would roll you up in bubble wrap if I could Dongwoo, I want to keep you and that kitten of yours out of harm’s way, why in hell would I want you to fight anyone?”

“I… I just…” 

“Listen here…” his voice wobbled a little, and lowered some more “I know I did some awful things, I know… I know I’m not the hyung you trust anymore, I didn’t want to-“ the words broke and trembled, and I felt like crying all over again as his eyes fought to stay unbothered “I know I’m horrible Woo, I’m sorry… But I can’t… I can’t undo what I did, and I can’t not… I can’t not be like this-“ I couldn’t get the words out of my chest, I felt like I was choking and my sight was all blurry again, I felt my fingernails digging in hyung’s jacket and my arms trembling. But I just could get my words out and stop him “I didn’t mean for you to see that, to see that of me… But I can’t… I swear I’ll keep you safe, I’ll take you to the capital and just… That’ll be it, I promise, you won’t have to-“ he stopped, closed his eyes tight, and then dropped his head to my shoulder “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I made you see that, I’m sorry I made you say all that shit, I’m sorry I put all those awful ideas in your head-“

“Wh-?”

“You’re ok” he mumbled, then lifted his head again, forehead to forehead and reddened eyes burning into mine “Listen, you are not in the wrong here, Dongwoo, you are not the one who should be left behind, you are perfect the way you are, you hear me?” I couldn’t ignore the trembling in his voice, the way his hands held my head, or how his eyes blazed “I am the broken one, Woo, I’m… I lost it, I’m not the hyung you wanted, I’m sorry I’m like this, but I… I have to”

His eyes dropped then, his thumbs again wiping under my eyes. I wasn’t even crying anymore, I was stunned. For a while I didn’t know what to do or say or even think. It took me a moment to have all the pieces in place, to understand what it all had been about. It ached inside, all he had said. I wasn’t sure what I felt, I was sad, worried, angry, relieved, confused, frustrated… 

A sharp sniffing sound and the warmth of hyung’s hands leaving me had me coming back. He was inching back, his sight averted, his head down, his hands about to fold in, arms around himself. The distance again, the invisible wall, this time thicker, taller, sadder. I could almost feel the cold approaching as he parted from me. So I threw my hands after him, prying his fingers from his palms and messily interlacing them with mine.

“No” I coughed “No, you are the hyung I want, you are” I followed his eyes until he looked at me “You are, you are a little… we all are a little broken hyung, that’s all. You are not horrible, you don’t have to be anything-“

“I have to-“

“No! You don’t have to be anything, just my hyung, we will make it as we are-“

“Dongwoo” he sighed, but finally relented and relaxed against me “I’m sorry, I know you mean well… But I can’t go back now”

“You don’t need to… It’s ok, we’ll find a way”

He was shaking his head slowly “If only… It’d be perfect if we could just… walk away and find our way unbothered, to reach the capital without hindrances and just… I don’t know, knock on a door and see-“ his voice cracked again, but he just cleared his throat and continued “To see them all there, to have this all done and over with”

“We can-“

“But if not, if trouble comes our way… Dongwoo I’m not taking it anymore. I have the means to keep us safe, and I’ll use them as much as I have to. They won’t stop us, you hear me?” he pressed my hand “We’re way too close, and I’m way too tired to let anyone stop me now”

“Hyung-“

“That’s it Dongwoo, I’m sorry if you don’t like it” he turned away, and his voice felt so conclusive that I thought he was going to stand up and leave. But instead, he leaned back and pulled me along, letting me place to his side “Now try to sleep a little, it looks like the day’s over for us”

As if it were a code or something, the moment he said that I felt exhaustion crawl up at me. My eyelids started feeling heavy, and hyung was warm. I could barely spare a coherent thought before drifting into sleep, and it was just a shred of hope. Maybe we wouldn’t have to fight anyone from now on, maybe there wouldn’t be a need for hyung to become what he didn’t want to be… Maybe we’d be left alone.

\--

The clouds didn’t look troubled, thick and absolute, yes, but more dormant than feisty. It was particularly cold, though, albeit not humid. The wind was sharp and frigid, and I thought I had seen a bit of sleet floating as soon as we got out of our sleeping nook. Was it going to snow again? It could be good, it could be bad, it could be neither. At least it would cheer Dongwoo up a little. He had seemed excited when I mentioned it to him not long ago.  

He was walking close to me, an arm hugging the cat in his little refugee, the other clinging to my own. There was no reason to deny the fact that his closeness had me enormously relieved, even though I knew he still held some foolish hopes for things to just fly in rainbow colors and open a miraculous path for us to reach our destiny unbothered. I knew he thought that if that happened then all that had transpired in that god damned city behind us would be more like a nightmare than the ugly reality. He would convince himself that it had all been… a mishap, perhaps, something that just happened, a mistake? I had tried to break that illusion for him, didn’t seem to have worked very much. It surprised me a little how stubborn he was trying to be, how much he was willing to delude himself in order to… I guess stay with someone, not being alone, having someone he knew and, in some degree, trusted. And I didn’t have the heart to break him anymore, not if I didn’t have to. I understood that the time he spent alone had been stressful and detrimental to his mind, and maybe that was prompting him to believe whatever he had to not to face being alone again. Well then, so be it. If he was happy with his illusion I would not take it away from him, but it’d crash and burn eventually, I just hoped maybe by then he’d be a bit stronger to take it in.

“Oh, hyung! There!” Dongwoo pulled softly at my sleeve, his voice hushed both by himself and the growing howl of the wind “Is that snow? Is it snowing?” he was pointing upwards.

I looked up towards the depressing sky, but all I could see were the persistent clouds that sealed us all under a bulky roof. They were moving a bit, and were they darker than usual? I thought I could distinguish dark blotches, huge areas of murky tint. Talk about depressing, was the sky always this obscure? Why was it growing darker? What were those big, growing spots? Was it… Worsening? Was it actually getting worse? How could that even happen? Why? If it was, what could happen? Maybe the rains would get worse, maybe the cold would intensify, maybe the sad glow we had during the day would dim even more. 

I let out a sigh, feeling myself slump on the shoulders, I didn’t want to think about that. It was bad enough that we had to deal with fucked up people, the sky was fucked up enough as it was, so was the land below. Why did it have to get worse? It’s not like I understood much about it, I was not a scientist, nor a climatologist, and I hadn’t talked with one either. But as far as I knew, the main source of that awful roof of toxic clouds above us was the result of the volcanoes, wasn’t it? Then… What? Had there been more? Could that happen without people noticing? Or was it just us that didn’t notice? Maybe it had been far away and now we saw this… Where could it have happened? For it to have repercussions all the way to this place, it must have been, well, like the first ones, right? Absolutely devastating. Where? Near a city? How many people were close? How many had felt, heard, seen? Maybe there was no longer any living creature around. Right, if it had happened before, any life would have been destroyed long ago. Maybe I was seeing these dark clouds now, but how long ago had this happened? I was seeing an ugly sky, but I couldn’t imagine what other places must’ve looked like, what other people must have seen. Thinking of a pitch black sky, burnt soil, toxic air, desolated lands, absolute nothingness. Were we lucky, then? Had we been spared the worst of it? Should we be grateful for being alive? For having this sick glow instead of darkness? For even having people around? Maybe we wouldn’t have it for much longer, how much would a water plant help if we couldn’t leave our refuges? How much would we last without food once we emptied our reserves? All we had, all we fixed, how long would it last? If things kept worsening, at the speed they did, with the intensity they did, with the violence they had… How much longer did we have…?

A new pull on my sleeve brought me back to the ground “Hyung…” I blinked away from the blocks of concrete I had been staring at, and was presented by a dirty hand, half covered in rags, fingers shaking. Tiny specs of white melting at the fingertips “It is snowing” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. 

How I wished he could keep that smile on his face, the simple wonder he found in things so little. Being happy at things like a bit of snow or a lost cat, giggling at a pretty strap of fabric or a flying paper bag. Holding onto the old people he knew, the ways of our previous lives, hoping they would still be there, they would come back… When, really, our time was running out.

I smiled at his palm, held it between mine “Yeah, looks like it. Hands in your pockets now, frostbite isn’t nice”

He giggled “Don’t be so pessimistic, hyung”

\--

I hissed as the wet rag scratched at my reddened skin, the lukewarm water did little to soften either of them. With a click of my tongue I dropped the rag into the washbasin and reached for the dry one, trying to be a bit more careful not to open the abused skin of my hands. This was really bothersome, but who was I to complain? Better go along and avoid being kicked out or… Getting sick, I supposed. 

Once done, I picked up everything and placed it in its place, upper shelf of the first rack, along the used ones. Then walked to the little stove near the corner and dropped over a vacant plastic crate, as good a stool as any. Spreading my hands towards the fluid fire, I sighed in content, even if the heat hurt in such contrast with the cold skin, it would go. 

“You better start using gloves, Jong” I heard Sungyeol comment while he seated himself beside me “Your hands are falling apart”

“I know, I guess this clean-freak routine we have here isn’t helping much either. Are your any better?”

“Yeah, had them baby soft before having to scrub the life out of them every god damned tick of the clock” he stretched with a loud grunt, then joined his hands to the warmth of the little alcohol stove “But, we can’t really do anything about it”

“Yeah” I agreed, turning my palms towards me and looking at the peeling skin and blisters scattered over them. Didn’t look good, didn’t feel good, but we had to engage with the local (thankfully diminishing) hygienic paranoia if we wanted to stay. I kind of understood, even without the threat of being kicked out, even without our need to stay, I would do it. The sole image of the place, the sad difference of what I came looking for and what I had found was a sing stark enough for me to understand that this was serious, it had been serious at least. It was disheartening, disappointing “You know…” I started out of the blue, and waited until he hummed in question to go on “I… I didn’t think this would be it. I thought, truly, that here would be our… I don’t know, like here would be everything I hadn’t found until now. I imagined that this was like some kind of safe place, like the last stop, the… Like the ultimate refuge or gathering or establishment of us” I let my hands drop on my lap, my hyung remained silent, staring at his own fingers “I guess I should have known, why would this be any different? Just because it’s bigger? Because it has more people? It was so silent, you know? When we arrived, it should have rung some bells but… I guess I was too desperate to get in” I shrugged.

Sungyeol didn’t say anything, wriggling his fingers for a while, then leaning back and hiding them in his pockets. He sighed loudly “It is disappointing to find that the very capital has fallen so low, but hey” a soft elbow to my ribs “At this point, things should start improving, right? You heard them, it’s all precaution. Yes, it’s lonely, it’s empty and silent and… Sad, I give you that. But we’re stocked up to our necks, guarded up to the tips of our hair and-“

“Hey” a new voice interrupted him, but he smiled at me, as if it were all answer I needed. And when the bandaged hand poked between us with a Tupperware of cold food, I admitted that yeah, it was. This was the answer, this was our goal, not the city, not the buildings, not the amount of people or the spirits of the residents. It was this, it was this voice telling us to “Try to heat it up a little”   

And me being able to say “Thank you, Woohyun hyung”


End file.
